


Best Of You

by sketzocase



Series: Songs of the Heart [2]
Category: X-Men (Comicverse)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Dark, Hallucinations, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Psychological Torture, Psychological Trauma, Rape Aftermath, Rape/Non-con Elements, Torture, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-09
Updated: 2015-03-12
Packaged: 2018-03-06 21:11:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 107,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3148682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sketzocase/pseuds/sketzocase
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a follow up to 'Everlong'. Daken deals with the aftermath of the telepathic procedures that he underwent  for the sake of exposing Romulus' dynasty. (as a small side note- some of the chapters had the wrong versions posted when originally posted. The chapters have been reinserted so it's a bit different from when it was posted originally. Same ending- different path to get there.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hang My Head

**Author's Note:**

> so... yes. mental health issues are heavily involved with this.Torture. Rape. Break downs. Hallucinations. It's chalk full of triggers. 
> 
> I'm tagging everything up here- but if you see something you think needs to be tagged, let me know. The last thing I want to do is possibly upset someone or make them relive something they'd rather not.  
> So read with extreme caution. 
> 
> Also, I think it needs to be said that this is going to be a tad bit darker than "Everlong". I like to Give a fair warning at the beginning of my stories... so hence the long ass 'notes'. 
> 
> enjoy y'all. Thanks for reading!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR DISCLAIMER 
> 
> I sorta kinda maybe posted the wrong ending on here. Nothing has really changed , but it makes a lot more sense in Wheels now.   
> So sorry. I hope it's okay. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!

A dance. If I’d known back then that all of this would happen… I would have made a bigger wager.

There’s something about Johnny… Something I can’t put my finger on. He makes me want what he wants. He almost makes me care. 

He’s in the forefront of my mind nowadays.

Him and all the others.

Never ending with their demands. Their voices. Loud. Booming.

But not Johnny’s. His comes when I’m asleep. Maybe it’s real. Maybe he really feels the need to comfort me even when I’m lost to them.

I can’t help him. I can’t protect him- right now I can’t even protect myself. Reed has me strapped to this bed around the clock. Either Johnny or Logan is always there. Always looking at me with sad eyes.

I would have hated that a few months ago. I would have been angered. But all that hatred I’ve held for so long is replaced by fear. A gut-wrenching, bottomless well of pure terror. Stretching from one minute to the next. I don’t know how long I’ll have control of my mind. I don’t know what happens when I lose it. I could be out for days. Weeks maybe.

The procedures were awful. Only Johnny knows the true extent of the decay of my mind. Sure the others get a glimpse when I slip in front of them… but Johnny knows the full thing…

And he loves me through it. 

All I wanted in that compound was to see him. The real him. I wanted his smell, his touch, his voice- Seeing Johnny is something that can bring me back from the edge of this void that my mind has become. 

Things are bad. I know they are.   
Reed likes to sugar coat it. 

Johnny himself withholds information... I think to protect me. Or in the very least, not to bother me with it until I'm in a better state of mind. 

My mind flipped to my apartment the other day. If my things are still there... if I have a home to go to after this over. 

If this will ever be over.... 

That's another topic Reed likes to sugar coat. He says 'with patience and hard work'. I've seen the MRI's they took of my brain. I know it's different now. I know that my mind is fucked up enough to have physical proof that something is off. 

Johnny told me that it would be permanent. I begged him for information and he begrudgingly gave it to me. 

Permanent. Psychiatric damage. Like brain damage. 

I'll admit it- I was upset. I cried for the smallest of moments.   
  
The room was filled with people. People taking notes. People trying to assess my mood. Asking questions. 

I just wanted them gone.   
  
I want Johnny.   
I want to go home. 

I... I don't want to be scared anymore. 

I wouldn't want to go back to my old life. 

I'd give it up.   
I mean- I have given it up. 

I don't want the world to burn. 

I just... want to be allowed my freedom. In the smallest of capacities. 

To lay in my bedroom by myself. 

To take a bath. 

To walk around my house.. drive my car...go somewhere.... be angry without people watching... cry without people watching...

I want to learn how to deal with this without the scrutiny of all of these 'helpful' faces. 

But... I can't. 

I can't be on my own. 

I can't hold my lucidity for long. I can't.. convince them to let me go. 

“He’s awake,” Logan grumbles from his usual chair beside my bed. “You don’t have to sneak around.”

Logan will never let me go. 

"He's been up since noon."  

Reed- from the smell of it- makes a noise of affirmation. He pointlessly checks my pulse and blood pressure- I think that that’s the only thing he can do in this situation. So he does it to make himself feel better. "A long stretch of time without a nap." He nods to me . "That's encouraging." 

I don't respond. 

"It's night time now." He continues. "I'm sure you'll be ready for bed soon." He messes around with the restraints. "Are these too tight?" 

I can't nod. My neck is restrained. 

“I suppose it would be pointless to ask how he’s doing.” Reed addresses to Logan when I fail to respond. “Last night wasn’t exactly a turning point in our favor.”

‘weakness...’ Master whispers, ‘Is not to be tolerated.’

I wrench my head away from Reed as much as I can. 

I don't know if I'm fighting him... or Master. Or Shifter. Or.. the others. 

“He needs to eat.” Reed puts his hands back on me, testing something or another. I should bite him again.... wait no. I shouldn't. I try to keep my freedom in mind. Getting out of these restraints has to be a goal I set for myself. “I know he doesn’t much care for the feeding tube….”

Logan stands to his feet, stretching. “Can you blame him? That thing is fucking disgusting.”

I agree with my father. My eyes flick to him quickly. He's wearing the same outfit he's worn for three days now. His usual dirty lumberjack motif. 

I don't know where he stays when he's not in this room... mainly because he's always in this room. 

“That may be… but he still needs to eat.” Reed taps a finger to his lips. "He's making himself weak." 

“Then ask him to,” Logan says in a surly manner. “He can hear you. He’s capable of answering your questions.”

“But he doesn’t,” Reed says pointedly. "And we've all but run out of time and energy on pressing the issue verbally." 

“You’re just not asking them right,” Logan says. "You're not blunt enough." 

So many days go by like this. My father overestimates my abilities. I’m content to just lie here. To let the world pass me by. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters but this aching, terrifying moment. And then it’s followed by another one just like it.

I don't want to be scared anymore. 

I don't want to feel this confusion. 

I don't want all of these people fussing over me. 

“Ms. Grey seems to be under the impression that if he’s not in an episode, he won’t speak. He hasn’t said a word to anyone other than Johnny and yourself. I was hoping you’d try talking to him again.” Reed does sound hopeful when he says this. Logan mumbles something in agreement before turning his attention back to me. 

I try my best to avoid Logan’s eye contact. He isn’t having that. He reaches over and turns my head as much as possible until I have no choice but to look at him. Look at him or fight enough to make myself breathless. I'm tired of doing that. It's utterly terrifying. “Do you want them to stick that tube back down your throat?” He asks bluntly.

I don’t respond. I can’t respond. They’re not going to like my answer. They’re going to do it anyway. They don’t understand. I don’t have the words to make them understand.

“Son…” Logan sighs. “Answer the question. Are you going to eat- or are we going to have to force you?”

Eating is the last thing on my mind. It’s been like this for months. Since the procedures started dragging up things that were better left forgotten.

“Go get the shit to feed him.” Logan says in a defeated manner.

Reed nods and leaves quietly, having the sense about him to know that Logan's probably going to try one of his 'talks' with me. 

His 'talks'. The lectures he gives me. 

They range from 'fighting my illness' to 'helping my caretakers' or 'easing myself back into the flow of reality'... that one I think he had someone else come up with for him. It's in Logan's style but it sounds suspiciously like something Reed would say. 

“I don’t like having to do this.” Logan says when Reed’s gone. “There gets to a point where you’ve got to take some responsibility in your recovery…” He pauses. “I know you don’t want to recover. You don’t think there’s anything but this… but it can get better. We can make it more manageable.”

So tonight we're doing 'responsibility'. 

I glance at him with a look that I hope makes him see how pointless this is.

Try as he might, I am not one of his students. 

I do not hang onto his every word. 

I... .am not mad at him. 

It's like pulling teeth to even admit that to myself.   
  
At times, I am glad for his assistance. 

I'm starting to suspect that he's got a lot of control over my situation. 

I heard them talking about court documents. 

Come to think of it, I think I was visited by someone from some sort of court.   
  
An elderly woman with a clipboard. She talked to the slew of doctors that come and go- also always toting clipboards- and then she sat down and asked questions that I thought were beneath me. 

What day it was.   
What year it was.   
Where I was. 

Who my caretakers are. 

If I'm happy. 

If I'm sad. 

If I can function on my own. 

If I heard anything others didn't.   
If I saw anything other's didn't. 

If I was confused. 

And finally , my favorite, if I had any intention to harm others or myself. 

She really pressed that one. 

I half answered her. To tell the truth, I do have violent intentions. Like I always have. But... they're aimed at me. I.... need to feel pain. I need to punish myself for the state of weakness I'm in. 

Sometimes I extend my claws just a few centimeters... enough not to make anyone mad at me... and I feel the pain. 

The pain feels good. 

 “Until you do… we’re just going to keep doing what we’re doing. We’ll make you eat. We’ll make you bathe. Hell, we even make you sleep. Do you realize how little control you have here? Doesn’t that bother you in the slightest?”

Like when I was back with him. No choices. No power. No control… safety.

Logan will keep me safe. Johnny will keep me safe. They won’t hurt me. They won’t let me be hurt.

Reed comes back with a cart that holds the required materials involved in force-feeding someone. If they did this through an IV my skin would heal around it. They’d lose a needle and have to cut me open to retrieve it.

I’m still in full body restraints. Neck, wrists, biceps, waist, thighs, ankles- the whole deal. I couldn’t fight them if I wanted to. And when Reed starts to bring the end of the lubricated tube towards me- I really want to.

Last time was horrible. Someone had to force my mouth open. I… over reacted.

Part of being scared all of the time means I am constantly scared of those around me. 

When Reed does this, I'm glad Logan is the room. 

Sometimes it feels like drowning. 

It... scares me. 

Logan's only ever called the process to a halt once. It was a particularly bad episode... and  I found myself in tears. 

They sent Johnny in after that. 

He sang.   
I like it when he sings. 

“Relax.” Reed cautions in a very professional tone.

It takes a lot of willpower to keep from biting down on the tubing. But I have control. I can behave. I’m not some wild animal…

There will be no tears today. 

“At least he’s taking this better than last time.” Reed comments, continuing to insert inch after inch of clear plastic.

“Imagine that.” Logan says while leaning against the wall. He never likes to be close when they do this. He prefers to stay out of the way. I doubt he even watches anymore.

Reed seems satisfied by his work and finally leaves the tube alone- it resting in my stomach makes me resist the urge to vomit. He attaches the end that's not lodged in my throat to a medium sized squeezable bottle before unceremoniously applying pressure to send the unknown substance through the plastic and on it's way to my stomach. God. It's a sickening process. Even more so when I lie here and think about it. I'm close to throwing up as is. I don't need the added pressure.

The liquid is green today. 

Yellow is for when I've kept all the liquids down. 

Blue is for when I've kept just one down. 

And green is for when I've managed to get out of at least one meal altogether. 

It's a hard feat to pull off... but with a small help of my pheromones and the right caretaker present, it's possible. 

I never use them for long. Only when the fear is too great. When I feel completely hopeless. 

I hate being scared of my own body. Of my own powers. 

But... I don't know who's real. I don't know what's real. And more importantly... I don't know what will happen. 

“There has got to be another way to do this.” Reed ponders aloud, making me take him into consideration for the millionth time. Is he a friend? A foe? What are the possible pros and cons of having a relationship with him? “Is hypnotism an option?”

Were we ever friends when I wasn't using him? 

He.. accepted me so willingly. Even after all I'd done. 

He keeps me safe. 

He keeps the nastier scientists and doctors off my back. 

They circle like vultures. Waiting for scraps of information. 

My illness has never been seen before.   
  
I could make people's careers. 

Let me rephrase. I have made people's careers. 

One doctor did a journal on me and got filthy rich. 

She stopped coming around after that. 

They want Reed to write a book on his findings. 

Other people want interviews so they can write books themselves. 

They sign up to be nurses even though they're well over qualified. 

Reed's run a lot of them off when the book ideas surfaced. 

Occasionally we'll find one poking around.

They make me tell them when I find someone too uncomfortable. 

“Doubt it.” Logan answers, he doesn’t look at the man.

I have no choice but to look at Reed. His cool-mannered, if not somewhat apologetic face. He smells like aftershave. Not the expensive kind, though. Not like what I used to wear. He's nicked himself shaving this morning. I can smell the faintest hint of blood mingling with all of his other scents. His eyes are filled with pity. I could close my eyes, but I feel like that would be letting him win. If I keep them open... then maybe he'll see what a useless practice this is and stop.

The feeling of the liquid finally being deposited into my stomach makes me sick. I didn’t want this. I never wanted this. I should have died when Fury had me. Even those bastards wouldn’t have made me sit through this.

“We don’t know the effects of his anorexic state fully due to the healing factor…. It’s obvious that he’s been doing it for awhile for it to have affected him like it has…” he pauses. “Tell me, Logan, how long can you go without eating?”

My father makes a disgruntled noise. “I don’t know. Never really been pressed to find out.”

“I see.” Reed looks back to me. “And Laura… what about her?”

“She sure as hell better not be refusing to eat,” Logan growls. "One kid is more than enough." 

X-23… I wonder if she knows what’s happened. That I’m rendered useless and placed into our father’s merciful hands. At least I'm hoping they're merciful. I don't really remember much from my first week here. Lots of shouting. Lots of pleading- most of it probably done by me. But he was there. If not in the room, then on the outside- waiting. Watching... always watching. Like he's expecting me to disappear at any moment.

When he's not lecturing, he's gentle. So gentle I could scream. 

When the nightmares are too much and he's there.... When he washes the sweat from my face. When he helps them bathe me when I can't move.... So, so, so gentle. 

“Maybe we should call her… have you contacted her since you ‘woke’ up?”

He was dead. 

He came back to life for me. 

He came back to life to save me. 

I... owe him something in return. 

“Yea… wanted to make sure she was okay. Don’t want Fury gunning for her. Told her to be on guard...She was there when we broke into the compound.” He speaks in clipped sentences. Showing the level of his un-comfortability with the scene before him. "She's alright." 

"I almost forgot about her involvement." Reed says. 

"Yea well good ol' cyke called her back for some bullshit reason before she could really stick around." 

"You're jealous then?" Reed puts more pressure on the bottle. 

"I'm not jealous." Logan growls. "Laura's a grown woman. She can make up her own mind." 

"But you wish she would have stayed?" 

Logan glares at him. "I wish he hadn't been so pushy." 

“I see," Reed says. "Perhaps she would appreciate being invited back to the tower?” He asks. "We have more than enough room." 

I try to stifle my noise of disagreement with that statement. Enough slips out past the tube to draw his attention to me.

“Of course. We should consult you before bringing anyone else into this.” Reed says apologetically. As apologetic as he can be before applying more pressure to the bottle in his hand.

“How many of those do you have to do tonight?” Logan questions while looking at said bottle.

“He somehow managed to get out of lunch." Reed grouses. "So to keep the proper amounts of nutrients in his system… I’d say about two.”

Try not to groan. Or show any emotion at all.

“He’s not going to like that.” Logan says with a dry chuckle.

Reed raises an eyebrow. “Well, we’ve already started. No use in stopping now… there’s not much he can do anyway. Possibly vomit… but then we’d just have to feed him again.” The man looks at me sternly. “You’re intelligent. You know that rebelling in any way shape or form at this stage is useless. Correct?”

‘correct?’ That voice.

Ah. The Shifter. Always him. His scent never making any sense. He could smell like anyone he wanted to. And keep smelling like them long after he’d changed forms. Sometimes he’d smell like ten different people at once. It was enough to give me a headache. There was no logic with him. I don’t even know if half the things I think happened actually did.

My mind is resourceful.... Even if it’s sole target happens to be me. And it seems to be very preoccupied with doing just that- targeting me. Making me react. Distorting itself to where I can't even make sense of it.

‘nah… you just lay there. let them fatten you up like a good little house pet.’ He snickers. ‘such a good little mongrel. doing what he’s told.’

I strain to move against the restraints, clamping my teeth on the tubing to stop the liquids flow. I'm no one's pet. I can't let them turn me into what Shifter wants.

“Daken,” Reed says warningly.

‘better do as your owner says.’

“If you continue to bite down, I will pry your mouth open. We both know that I don’t want to do that.”

Where is Johnny? Why isn’t he here to stick up for me? He understands… I have to drown them out. They have to be drowned out or I can’t think. Something needs to happen to shut them up… even if it happens to be by means of disobeying Reed.

“Last warning.” Reed says in a strongly parental tone.

‘that’s right…. just keep on doing what you’re doing. be a rebel. make ‘em really mad. let's see where that gets you.”

I barely feel Reed’s hand on my cheek. While listening to Shifter, it’s hard to pinpoint the exact moment when elongated fingers forced my mouth open and kept it there. There's a moment of panic that the fingers won't stop. That they'll keep stretching until my jaw pops.

I’ve never been to a dentist… I’ve never needed to. I’d imagine that this is what it would feel like…

The liquid being poured into me just reminds me of drowning. It’s not my favorite thing to think about. I’ve forgiven Logan, in my own way. Looking past what he did let me see why he did it. It doesn’t mean that this doesn’t scare the shit out of me.

‘there’s a thought… maybe dear old daddy is letting him do this to punish you. to remind you of what he did to you. what do you think pet? are we going to let daddy off the hook- again? you know what he did to you. he did it again. and again. remember? i was there. i saw him. he didn’t give a fuck. he still doesn’t give a fuck. no one does. they’re keeping you around to laugh at you. what an amusing little mongrel you make. now you just lay there and perform a nice little trick for them. yank at the end of your little leash… go on. fight with him.”

A strangled noise escapes my throat, making Reed sigh. “We shouldn’t have to do this… I know you’re as tired of it as we are. If you’d just cooperate-“

“God Reed.” Logan grumbles. “Don’t lecture him. Surely this is punishment enough.”

Reed looks over his shoulder. “Fine… I just want him to understand that it doesn’t have to be this way.”

‘poor little mongrel.’ Shifter whispers. ‘got no fight left in him… where are those claws? the one's daddy gave you? come on… don’t be shy.’  
I can’t. He said not to. He told me not to. I can’t disobey him. I can’t anger him.

Shifter needs to shut up. He always needs to shut up. He does nothing but mock and torment.

“We’re done with the first one.” Reed announces. “If I take my hand out of your mouth, will you promise not to fight with me?”

‘you should shred him. he would want you too… i can go get him if you’d like… you’re always so much more cooperative when he’s involved.’

No.

No. Just no. Shifter can’t. He doesn’t have that power. He-

“Come on Daken… just relax. We’ve done this so many times already. You know it doesn’t hurt you. There’s no reason for you to fight with me.”

‘decisions, decisions.’ Shifter taunts. ‘and still no answers. do you really think you can ignore me? i own you. you belong to me. you’ll eventually do as i say. or else. i’ll go get him. you think i don’t have the power? i’ll wake him up and show you real power.’

I have to do something to make Shifter shut up.

I have to fight. I have to do something. God. Someone has to do something. Why aren’t they helping me? Why can’t they hear him? Someone has got to help me.

‘no one cares.’ Shifter whispers. ‘they didn’t back then and they don’t now. no one cares about a little-orphaned mongrel. you should just stop your whining and die already. go drown… it’s what daddy wants.’

“I’ll help you.” A new voice, a gentle, female voice says through my mind. “You remember me? We met a few days ago.” Phoenix comes to mind. A woman with bright red hair… cut short around her face. Penitent for wearing red leather. “Yea. That’s me.” Her voice is warm. Kind. Like Sue’s. I’ve grown quite fond of Sue. She isn’t scared of me. She treats me like an actual person.

‘a little birdie, huh? you think your little birdie will make me go away? birdie isn’t going to be around forever. you think this is bad… you just wait. if she makes me go away... i’ll just go back to waking you up. you’ll not have another moment's peace. i’ll drive you completely insane. they’ll have to stick you in a nice little cage… crate train their disobedient little mongrel’

“Deep breath. Try thinking of something to drown him out… anything. Something that makes you happy.”

I can’t. I really can’t. He won’t let me. He’s there… lurking.

“Ignore him. Think of something that makes you happy…” She repeats. “Really happy.”

Well… nothing makes me happy. Nothing except-

“There you go.” The woman applauds. “Nice memories. Gentle ones. No violence. No manipulation… just nice.”

Pretty much sums up Johnny in a nutshell.

‘stupid mutt.’ Shifter hisses. ‘he’ll leave you. you’re ruined. you’ve been ruined since you were young. no one will ever want you.. not like us. not like him.’

“Ignore him.” Rachel says again. “Just keep breathing…. Drown him out.”

Why isn’t she just eradicating him?

‘she can’t.’ He snickers.

“I really can’t. I can hear him… but I can’t touch him. That’s on you Daken. You have to make him shut up. No one can do this for you. If you lay there and do nothing, he’s winning. They’re winning.”

If it’s not him it will be the others. The other him. The him I don’t like to think about.

“Thinking about them just gives them more attention.” The woman says wisely. “Don’t feed them. Deal with them when you get to them. There’s no need to call them into existence.”

“I’ll take that as a ‘no’ in regards to my question.” Reed grouses, using the hand that was holding the bottle to replace it with another one.

I’d forgotten he’d asked anything. Damn it Shifter.  
“You’re going to need to stop fighting with Reed.” The woman says calmly. “He’s trying to help you, to make you better. ‘Shifter’ doesn’t want that. He wants you to stay sick… you don’t have to listen to him.”

Relax. Stop fighting… it will make them angry. I don’t know who’s wrath I fear more… the people on the outside or the ones on the inside.

“He’s busy.” The woman’s voice, now on the outside, says calmly. “He won’t fight any more than necessary.”

“Thanks, Rachel.” Logan says instead of a greeting.  
“How’d you know?” The woman asks curiously.

"Hmm?" Logan's not paying attention. 

“How’d you know that Daken had visitors?”

“Oh… he looked to the left where no one was standing. Looked real intently at the floor. Figured it might be worth checking out.”

So my father is behind my savior… maybe I don’t give him enough credit. Maybe he truly does know what he’s doing.

“He’s got some nasty ‘friends’ up there.” The woman says quietly. “He needs someone to teach him how to deal with them… if he can’t be medicated, and we can’t put up another barrier- then someone has to teach him a coping mechanism.”

"Now wait." Reed says. "We're not saying he can't be medicated. We're just saying that at the current moment there is no medication that could work. I'm working on it as we speak. I've got several other scientists all testing similar medications. By the end of next year, we may have a whole line of medications devoted to Daken's care." 

  
A whole line of medications.   
  
I'll be popping pills for all eternity. 

"Okay, but until then," Rachel says patiently, "Daken needs to be taught how to deal with these intrusions." 

“You up for the job?” Logan questions after some thought.

Rachel smiles sweetly. “That’s not my level of expertise…. I got a quick count of who happens to be in there. Seven. At least seven anyway. And they’re all ‘borrowed’ from a real person. .." She pauses to let that sink in. "I'm sorry Logan, but I can’t deal with this. I can only offer temporary relief.”

Reed raises an eyebrow before turning to the woman. “Then would you mind sticking around until we find someone who could better help him? Temporary relief is still relief. If it’s all we can give him, I don’t see why we shouldn’t.”

Rachel nods. “Of course. I’m just telling you that he’s going to need someone else down the road. A professional.”

‘to stick you in that cage i was telling you about. the one they're probably preparing as we speak…’

Stop. Just fucking stop! I can’t…

My whole body tenses, straining to break free. I need to move. I need to get away. Things… they’re happening too fast. They’ve got me backed into a corner. My guard is down. I’m... weak. I’m showing weakness.

“Easy…” Reed says gently. “Are you okay?” He doesn’t take his hand out of my mouth, but he lets me close it a centimeter or two. “Easy.” He tries to comfort. “Someone get over here.” He calls behind him. “He’s... I don’t know what he’s doing. He’s gone tense… if he keeps it up, he’s going to be sick.”

“Akihiro,” My father has made his way over to the bed, “Relax son. Whatever you’re hearing can’t hurt you." That doesn't work. I'm starting to feel very sick. My stomach wants to reject everything that's been put into it. I don't know if I get any say in the matter. Logan shifts his weight on his feet. He's nervous. He doesn't know what to do. This... is his weakness."You can’t puke with that tube down your throat. Do you understand?”

‘ah ha. see. you tense up when you fight us. now we’re going to make you sick. if you’re lucky they won’t get the tube out and you’ll choke on it.’

“Take the tube out.” Rachel orders. “Now, Reed!”

The man starts to pull the tubing out as fast as he can without hurting me. As soon as it passes my lips I feel the sting of acid in the back of my throat.

“Un-strap him.” Reed says in a panicked tone while doing some of the work himself. “Just down to the waist… someone get a bucket… or trash can- whatever’s closest.”

It feels good to have some mobility back. I have about thirty seconds to enjoy it before I’m vomiting harshly into a trash can that Reed’s holding.

“The tubing being inserted into the stomach is known to make people nauseous.” Reed says as he looks away from me. “We actually use the squeezable bottle to control how much liquid is dispersed, to try to cut down on events like this… him tensing must have made the nausea worse.”

Shifter is laughing. I need… I need to make him shut up.

But I can’t. I can’t use them. He told me not to.

“I’d strap him in again.” Rachel advises. “He’s debating on whether or not to hurt himself.”

No. They can’t. They can't know my moves before I do.

I’ve got maybe three seconds to react… I could stab any of them. But I don’t want to. He’ll be angry.

I can’t…

My hands decide for me, unsheathing the claws on the left side of my body and impaling them into my neck and the lower side of my head. The hit is low. I should have aimed higher. That’s where he is. To shut him up… I need to aim higher. Gritting through the pain and ignoring the gasps and shocked faces around me, I drag my arm upward. Blood is streaming down the side of my ruined face. I’m baring myself to the bone. The pain is immeasurable. Like it used to be... with him. Only this time, I control it. It is mine to own, to use. That's the only thing that keeps me from stopping. This... this is something that I have to do. They don't understand. They CAN'T understand. This is my secret. My secret way of punishing the darkness in my mind.

Logan is the first person to grab me. He pulls my hand away from my body while Reed grabs the other one and starts to pin it to the bed again. "If you insist on hurting yourself, you will have to be restrained." Reed grunts through his efforts. Unsheathing the other claws hadn't occurred to me... and now it doesn't matter. He's already up to my bicep, strapping it in. The metal clicks with an obscene loudness. Blood pours down my face, even though I can already feel it healing. Dripping into my mouth, drowning me.

“You’re okay.” Logan says through labored breathing as I try to remove myself from him. "Daken, please." He pleads. "Snap out of it, son! You're going to be fine- alright? You're fine."

‘no, you’re not. look at you. you can’t even handle them un-strapping you for a minute. and furthermore, he’s going to be pissed at you. bad doggie. so bad. irredeemable, even.’ I can almost see his form. His shadow playing across the room as it swirls in front of my eyes. And then.. god. He's there. My Master. Looking over at the scene before him with a smug, self-satisfied smile. 'told you i could get him.' Shifter hisses.

All of this pain.. and he’s still here. It didn't work. All of this... and he's still talking. He went and did what he said he could. Shifter woke him up. And now he's here. Now they're here. One in the darkness and one leaning against the wall. If I weren't putting all my effort into struggling, I'd probably be laughing in borderline hysteria. More blood... I've nicked Logan in the process of fighting to be free of him. Master smiles, showing too much fang.

“Should we sedate him?” Reed questions wearily. "We can't let him..." A scream breaks past my labored breathing, cutting him off. "Logan make the call." He says. "Do we ride this out, or do we sedate him?"

‘oh, there’s a novel idea.’ Shifter chuckles. ‘let them put you under. let them make you come play with us. we love it when they do this. you’re so much more fun when you’re sleeping.”

“Yea.” My other hand claws still extended, is pushed to the bed now. Logan holds it firmly as Reed stretches his arm over to fasten the trappings that bind me. It's Logan who seals my fate. He doesn’t know, of course. He can’t. But I still feel a sense of betrayal. "Sedate him.." He puts a hand over his eyes, only to jerk away when he realizes that it's covered in my blood. "Put him out of his misery." He growls, turning away. I want to call after him. I didn't mean to make him leave this time. It's... it's not my fault! Reed murmurs something about relaxing again a second before the metal of a syringe bites into my skin. It's odd how the small prick seems far more painful than the self-inflicted clawing I've done.

Shifter's chuckle is loud as I slip under. Then there is nothing.


	2. Chains To Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Side note I forgot to mention. When certain 'things' talk, it's all lower case. I did this to make sure that y'all could tell that something was a little off with it. It's annoying to type. I'm sorry if it's annoying to read. but all in all I think it works out okay. 
> 
> Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoy!

It’s like a horror movie of the worst kind… blackness. All of them taunting me. Mocking me. There is no relief.

Shifter is always the most vocal. He really hates me and I don’t understand it. Furthermore, I don’t understand why I can’t attack him. Why I can’t attack any of them. Every time I try to retaliate it just winds me up in more trouble. They think I’m crazy. Hell -I think I’m crazy.

The others… the ones in the dark, they KNOW I’m crazy. They tell me so.

It’s worse when I’m sedated and can’t wake up. They love it. They torment me from the moment I go under to the moment I regain consciousness. Sometimes they even to continue their tortures after that.

And he’s there. Always on top. Always angry.

I’m ungrateful, he says. What I’ve done to disgrace him is unheard of. I should surrender myself to him. Beg for forgiveness.

Sometimes I try to. In my mind like this, I try to mend bridges.   
  
But what bridges can be mended when the man I'm trying to appease is dead? 

“Hey.” That’s not one of them. That’s definitely from the outside. “Heard what happened today.”

‘of course.’ Shifter puts his hand on my shoulder, holding me down. ‘little doggie had another ‘episode’. how many does that make? hmm? how many does it take before they put you down?’ He leans over and puts a hand on my jaw, forcing my face upwards at a painful angle. 'doggie needs to listen.' he explains.

I’m standing there in the darkness, surrounded by the others. The voices on the outside sound like they’re coming over a loud speaker. A PA system of some kind. Occasionally one the others brushes up against me. Letting me know that as soon as I take my attention from them, they’re going to do something vile. I can see them swarming around me. Overhead is a single light, barely illuminating them. I count six. He's not here. That or he's keeping his distance.

“I know it’s stupid to ask if you’re doing okay when I know you’re not. Also, there's the whole 'you can't talk right now' thing. So I guess this is more for me than you, okay? I... I want to know if you're okay in there. When no one is around... they're saying that things are really bad up there. I love you, Daken. I just want you to be okay. I want you to know that.”

Johnny. Johnny’s back.

‘oh, wonderful.’ One of the nameless ones drawls. ‘more sentiment.'love' he says. you know no one can love you. you're not worthy of that.’ She’s nasty. Not as nasty as him or shifter, but still nasty.

“They put you under pretty good, huh? You’ve been out for hours.” His voice cracks as he says this. "Reed says you finally used your claws.You must have been really scared."

Hours that I’ve been at their mercy. Hours spent in their grasps. Fear doesn't begin to cover it.

"I don't want you to be scared Daken," Johnny says. “I know that you were hearing ‘them’ again. You have every right to be scared. I want you to know that. It doesn't make you weak.” Johnny continues. I can imagine the look on his face. He’d be sad. He’s always sad.

‘and who’s fault is that?’

I don’t even know which one that was.

‘poor, stupid johnny. falling in love with this piece of trash.’ A hand wraps around my wrist, pulling my arm off into the darkness. Pulling me away from where I can hear. Shifter refuses to let go of me, even as I'm being pulled backward. I feel like the two of them are going to rip me in half.

“I’m not trash.” I fire back, weakly pulling my arm back to my body as best I can, stopping my backward descent. "Leave me alone."

Shifter laughs and laughs. ‘ah don’t be like that.’ He soothes, running his free hand over my shoulder while still holding my head upwards. ‘we’re your friends. we’re trying to help you.’

“You’re not my friends,” I growl. “Stop touching me.”

‘then think of us as… business partners.’ Shifter smiles, fangs showing. He’s a distended shadow. Nothing like the real shifter… whose face I can never seem to remember. ‘you have a mind, and it’s our business to destroy it.” He laughs again. Cackles really.

‘shifter has a point.’ Another of the nameless ones slithers up to join him beside me. ‘i’d say we’re doing a good job…. poor, poor daken. trying to claw into his own brain in front of them, no less. what do you think happens when you wake up? what will brave mr. richards do with his naughty patient then? send him away, maybe? decide that he’s not worth the trouble? throw him into some room and forget about him?” he smiles wickedly. “maybe he already has. we haven’t heard him. he’s not coming back. poor johnny’s here to tell you that you’re a lost cause.” He puts his hands on my sides and pushes off from me, knocking me off balance for a second. ‘good catch.’ he teases. ‘why don’t you just lay down… you know we’re not going anywhere… your little birdie’s technique doesn’t work here... your ours. our little plaything. our pet. be good for us and we may just give you a treat... maybe we'll spare your precious little 'lover'. you know how badly He wants him dead.” he motions to the darkness around him, arms spread wide. "maybe he can have his way after all. maybe we can watch you kill him and then drink up your pain. i bet that would do it. put you into that perfect state of submission.'

“Why didn’t you tell me that it had multiplied?” Johnny asks, with no heat to his voice. “The last time we talked about it.. it was just ‘him’. Now it’s ‘them’. Rachel said there were seven. Seven? You don’t think that was worth mentioning?” Johnny, please. Please, help me. Don't let them do this to me. Help me or get the fuck away from me! For your own safety.

‘ohhh.’ Shifter chuckles darkly. ‘this is delicious. the precious johnny, angry. angry at you, mongrel. you lied to him. you tried to protect him from us and now he’s going to leave you. a suiting end to this little charade you’ve got going. we all know how this ends up. poor little mongrel left all alone again.’

“He can’t.” I feel my heart pounding. He wouldn’t-not while I’m asleep anyway. He’d do me the decency- Shifter cuts off that thought by suddenly releasing me.

“Easy,” Johnny says gently. I must have been able to move some on the outside. “Easy. You’re okay. I’m not angry… I’m worried. That’s all. Honey, I'm... I'm worried all of the time. You're so sick. So, so, so sick. You can't move, you can't eat, you-” He stops. "I just want you safe. You've been through so much already and... well... we're finding new things out as the day's pass and..." He swallows loudly. "I think I'm trying to say that I wish you would tell me what happened. All of it. Like you used to? With the procedures? I don't like being in the dark. I can't help you if I'm in the dark." 

Oh, Johnny. I wish I could tell you. I want to tell you. 

I want you with me in this. I can't... I can't do it on my own. 

I'm hurting Johnny. I'm...   
  
I'm hurting him by omission. 

"You need time," Johnny says gently. "I'll give it to you, honey. All the time you need. Just... let me know what's going on. Please." He sounds choked up. 

'time.' Shifter snarls. 'time he says. you don't need time. you need a bullet put in your useless excuse of a brain. you are pointless. you do not deserve this commitment from someone. he is above you. everyone in above you. you will bring him nothing but sorrow.'  

Sorrow? No- no. I'm... but Johnny.  

I don't want to hurt him.  

But I'm... so... so scared.  

Johnny waits a few seconds. And for those seconds no one says anything- inside or out. “Nice to see that your face healed up,” Johnny comments in a distracted manner. “You really did a number on it.”

How does he know all of this? Who told him?

“You know you’ve got your dad down in the library with Rachel looking up things about hallucinations. I don’t know why, but the thought of Wolverine in the library just makes me giggle.”

My father… he wants...to know more? He’s seen what happened… and he’s not leaving? But he was so angry...

‘i wouldn’t get too choked up.’ HIM. The voice that is fear incarnate. ‘he’s known to be a bit erratic… case in point when he drowned you in a muddy puddle. or are we omitting that now? wouldn't be the first time we've let sentiment cloud our judgment- would it? perhaps you require another lesson on the subject.'

“You’re not real.” I try weakly. “None of you are real!” Shifter and one of the nameless ones drag my arms to the side, holding me immobile as He approaches. Like He needs any of their help to be terrifying.

‘then i suppose you can’t feel this.’ He says coolly as he slashes through my chest. Real or not real, that fucking hurt. ‘we’re as real as we want to be, boy. this thing doesn’t work two ways. we exist and you’re just the little bastard who happens to house us. lucky you.’

“Ah, man. You don’t even get any peace when you’re sleeping… do you?” Johnny sighs. “Let me go get a washcloth or something… you’re sweating like crazy.”

‘sweet boy.’ He comments. ‘you should have killed him when i told you to. it’s shame how he’s going to have to suffer.’

“Leave him alone.” I growl.

I will protect Johnny.   
  
Master cannot have him. 

He couldn't have him when this started- and he can't now. 

I'll die before that happens. 

"Just leave him alone." I say in what I hope is a strong voice. 

The large man, he’s the only one with a discernable form, smiles wickedly. ‘or you’ll what? claw your face up again? wasn’t very effective. why don’t we try the chainsaw again while we’re at it? hmmm? try another lobotomy… but wait. we don’t talk about that, do we? not since you let fury use you like that. a shame really. it was one of my favorite parts of our little ‘routine’. nothing made you scream more… it was delicious. what you deserved after what you did to me.’

“I’m sorry,” I say as tears come to my eyes. I’m scared. He scares me. I want to wake up. To be where Johnny is. To be safe.

“Ah.. come on,” Johnny says on the outside. “It’s okay… you must be able to hear me… there’s no reason you would start crying if you hadn’t heard me.”

‘so fucking weak.’ He growls. ‘pathetic.’ He puts a large clawed hand on my shoulder. ‘weakness is not to be tolerated.’ Those claws shred through me again. Blood sprays and stains my clothing. I want to wake up now. Please god, let me wake up now.

‘hmm…. i’d say you have another three or four hours before that happens. your little knight in shining armor will be long gone by then. it'll take hours for him to come back... if he comes back at all.’ Shifter teases. ‘i’m sure that you and your master can find something to do to entertain yourselves.’ He pushes me towards the large figure, throwing me to my knees.

“It’s okay.” Johnny comforts again. “It’ll be okay… I’m going to go get Reed. See if there’s a way we can wake you up- okay? You just relax. You’re going to be fine.”

‘fine is the last thing you’ll be.’ The third nameless one to join us hisses in my ear. ‘not after we’re done with you.’  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Waking is blinding. I’m tired. So tired of fighting with them. I almost want to go to sleep immediately. But I know they’ll be there.

But I know they’ll be there. Always there. 

My nightmares. My demons. 

Someone’s been in the room. The sheets have been changed and my skin smells like hospital soap and disinfectant again. Someone's taken the time to rid me of the blood. I half expected them to leave it. Fury always did. Looking around the room helps clear my mind of these thoughts. There’s a dim light coming through the window, which puzzles me. Is it evening? Early morning? How long have I been out? What time was it when they did this last?

Dinner. Yes. It was nighttime. Reed usually comes in to do nighttime things around eight… eight thirty. I don’t know. There was a clock in here, but they took it out. Just as well. The ticking was driving me insane.

So it’s morning. Early morning. I’ve been with them all night.

I try to look around as best I can… but my head being restrained only lets me see so much. I’d love to see if I’m really bloody. If they can really hurt me. But I can’t move the blankets aside to check. Reasonably I could call out and see if someone was there… but that would spend what little energy I had. And I’d have to talk to them afterward.

All scents are distorted by the smell of a hospital. Fresh linens, soap, someone’s even come in and mopped the floor. The days went by as it usually does- whether I’m with it or not.  
This will be another one. They’ll come along shortly and start making the decisions I’m not capable of making. The question really is, who will my first tormentor be? Surely not Johnny. He was in here a few hours ago… he talked to me- didn't he? Or was that a trick? If it was real- they’ve probably made him go sleep in his own room.

Maybe Sue… sometimes she fills in for Reed in the mornings. I like those mornings. No scientific or condescending talk. Sometimes she doesn’t talk at all.

Then there are the mornings when it’s Logan. Those are actually pleasant- as much as I hate to admit it. He doesn’t say much. Usually just tells me what day and time it is. Informs me of any new developments in my ‘case’. The ones I’m allowed to know about anyway.

Sometimes it’s the Richards’ children. Usually, I try to pretend to be asleep when they’re in here. I know they’re not supposed to be.. but the girl seems to like me. She thinks I’m her patient. I don’t have the energy to correct her and she’s too short to really mess with anything other than my charts. And really what could those tell a child?

But the question still remains- whoever they are, they're not here. Where are they? I’m not big into human contact… but I could really use some right now.

I’m starting to think that they’ve forgotten. I can’t smell anyone. I can’t hear anyone. The room is perfectly quiet. Perfectly still. Only the sound of the heating system whirring overhead.

Try not to think. Don’t dwell on anything. Keep it all away. Focus on nothing. Just let it go. Let everything tick by at its normal speed. No need to rush it.

‘we’re awake are we?’ shifter snickers.

“Haven’t you done enough?” I plead. I’m pretty sure that no one is the room. I don’t see anyone standing in the hall either. Responding to him won’t make me look crazy if no one’s there to witness it.

‘fine.’ Shifter grouses. ‘if you’re going to be a little bitch about it.’

The door starts to make it’s familiar whirring sound. As always I hold my breath, waiting.

I don’t know who I’m hoping for. Johnny, most likely. Maybe he’s with my father. I kind of like when they show up together.

“Good morning.” It’s Reed. I try not to let my disappointment show. He walks over to the bed, dressed in his full uniform, looking very well put together. “It’s seven a.m. Wednesday morning, December the 31st and…I think that covers the proverbial bases.” He smiles pleasantly. “I was hoping in light of yesterday’s little... umm ‘accident’ you would consider allowing us the privilege of an explanation.”

No. No, I can’t talk to him. He’s… I’m too proud. I won’t show this much weakness. Not in front of him.

“No?” Reed continues to smile. “That’s alright. It was worth a try.”

Why is he always so happy? I release a little stream of pheromones… meant to depress him a little, but they don’t work right. They end up just amplifying what I’m feeling… which isn’t how it’s supposed to work.

“Hmm. Nice try.” The man says while picking up my chart. “Johnny’s taught me how to sense when you’re doing that. It’s nearly impossible but not fully.” He looks up from the chart. “Who were you talking to?”

I try to focus on something other than him. But he isn’t having that, he actually snaps his fingers near my face to keep my attention. “Daken?" He says patiently. "Was it one of them? There are seven correct? You can- well I guess you can’t.” he ponders. “If I take off the neck restraint will you promise not to bite anyone? You need to be able to nod ‘yes’ or ‘no’ I suppose if I’m going to ask you questions.”

‘like a good doggie.’ Shifter is back. He never stays gone.

“Not a dog.” I mumble at him.

'no?' Shifter asks. 'not a dog? not a good little half breed? would you rather be an infant? give him a wail, mongrel. tell him that you're ready to be changed.' 

“Excuse me?” Reed looks like I’ve just done the most amazing thing in the world.

“I said, ‘I’m not a dog.”” I snap. “But I didn’t say it to you,” I admit sullenly.

'not a dog. an infant. cry- daken. cry.' Shifter cackles. 

I can't do this today... I can't. 

“Ah.” Reed nods, making another note in my chart. “Does talking to them help?”

No. not at all. They don’t give a flying fuck whether I respond in my head or out of it.  
I don’t respond. I’ve said more than I wanted to already.

“You'll have to talk to me some time, Daken.” He says while not looking up from my chart. “You’re just prolonging your treatment by behaving like this.”

I’m surprised that my ‘friends’ let that comment slide.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I say weakly. He's not the right 'doctor' for this anyway- is he? 

What is the exact limit to Reed Richards's knowledge? 

“Ah, but it would be very helpful. If you’d like, I would be happy to bring someone else into the room.. someone you’re more comfortable with. We've interviewed quite a few talented doctors from many institutions-”

"Institutions?" I snap to attention suddenly. 

Reed looks to be in surprise. "Well, yes." He says with a nod. "I'm quite knowledgeable in the area of psychology- but it's only book smarts- as it were. Eventually, you'll have to see someone-" He stops, I'm guessing reading my face. "Daken, I'm.... it won't be for a while yet." He sits on the edge of the bed, looking a tad more fatherly than I'm comfortable with. 

“Please… don’t.” I beg. 

"Logan is going deep into their histories," Reed says soothingly. "Both the institutions and the doctors. No one will be permitted to work with you until they've passed a carefully designed interviewing progress..." He glances at me with soft eyes. "I designed it." He informs. "The process will take at least a month... and then they have to meet you- of course." 

"Please," I beg again. "No doctors. We have enough." 

"Those doctors are colleagues of mine." He informs. "They're not the one's who will be actually treating you. They're just here for observation- as I'm sure you've noticed."  

"No doctors." I beg again.  

"Not yet." He says with a nod. "We'll talk about it later.... right now, since you're talking- we'd like some answers." He smiles. "Would you mind answering some questions for me?"

I just shake my head. 

“How about Logan?" Reed offers. "He has questions for you.” Reed continues. “I bet he’d like some answers.” When I don't respond he adds, "Your talking to him would give him a great peace of mind." 

I’ll just bet it would. He'll use this as further proof of my insanity.

Another reason to call in doctors. 

No.   
  
No more Doctors. 

Doctors have machines and pins and chemicals. They're cruel and uncaring. They push and prod and then turn around and use their findings against you. Twisting your words up and throwing them in you face. 

Logan will invite them in- like vampires. 

Logan will use this information against me. 

Logan will-

....... 

No. 

I have to will myself to be calm. 

I have to remind myself that I’m not actively angry at Logan anymore. That we’ve made progress there. Yes, he has questions. Yes, he deserves to know what he’s working with.

“I’m guessing you had a rather rough night.” Reed soothes, probably feeling that I would be upset for him bringing up my father. “Johnny came to me asking if there was a way to wake you. There wasn't of course, but I think it was a noble act on his part." Reed flips to a page in my chart. "He said you were sweating, that you seemed to be in pain, and even started to cry at one point.” He reads back to me before his eyes flick from the paper to my face. “So is it safe to assume that your mind was not solely yours last night?” He’s poised with his pen, ready to take in any word I can manage.

“I-“

‘go ahead. tell him. tell him that you had a nice little slumber party with the voices inside your head. i want to see his reaction. let’s make a bet on how long it takes them to lock you away for good.’

My words die in my throat. Shifter's right. He's always right. I can’t tell anyone. They’ll lock me away. I don’t want to end back up in some asylum, left to rot.

The door whirs again before emitting yet another person. One whose scent I’m not entirely familiar with yet.

“Logan thought I would come in handy.” Rachel says sleepily, stretching her arms over her head and popping her joints. She's dressed in that same leather get up from the last time I saw her. Is it possible that that's her actual uniform? That seems needlessly restrictive. 

She walks into my field of vision and looks at me expectantly.

What? What does she want?”

“No ‘birdie’ comments today?” she asks, still looking at me with that intense gaze. “It’s no fun to play against someone who can fight back, is it?”

Don’t… antagonize them. I don’t think it works like that. And if it does, I don’t want to play her game.

"Your telepathy allows you to hear what his auditory hallucinations are saying, right?" Reed asks, seemingly for his notes.

“Every single word.” She walks around the bed to my head. A place I don’t really like telepaths being. Telepaths are as bad as doctors. “So here’s how this is going to work, Daken... or Akihiro, was it?" She pauses. "No, You'd rather I called you Daken. I understand that."  She smiles radiantly. "Anyway, the deal here is that you are to answer all of Reed's questions to the best of your ability… no lying. And if those bastards say anything, we record it. So we can get an idea of what we’re working with.” She nods to Reed. “Go ahead with the questions Dr. Richards.”

“Alright… let’s see. Wow, there’s so many questions to ask here… how about we start with the obvious- are you hearing anything right now?”

“No.” I say through gritted teeth.

“Relax.” Rachel chides. “We’ll get through this as painlessly as possible.”

“Why aren’t you speaking?” Reed says after some thought.

“I don’t have anything to say.”

“Ehhh.” Rachel says obnoxiously. “The correct answer is, ‘he doesn’t want you to think he’s crazy’. Even after all we’ve already seen -he’s been hiding the nastier parts.”

‘little bitch.’ Shifter snorts.

“And one just called me a ‘bitch’.” At Reed’s confused face she sighs. “A ‘friend’ thinks I’m a bitch. Go ahead- write it down. Put it under the word ‘shifter’. That’s what he calls it.”

“Right, right.” Reed flips to a new page and writes down what’s said.

If they do that for shifter they’re going to have a page filled with obscenities before they get done.

Rachel smiles again. “He can insult all he wants. He’s not getting us to stop.”

‘like i care.’ He chuckles. ‘this is just tiding me over til the little mongrel falls back asleep. then we can have some real fun.’

She repeats this with a concerned look on her face. “Daken, are they still talking to you while you sleep? Do you dream about them?”

“Yes.”

“And do they try to hurt you in those dreams?”

“Yes.”

“And you used to do this a long time ago… didn’t you? You heard your master’s voice even when he wasn’t around.”

I’m torn. She’s spot on. She knows it. But if I give too much away….

“That’s a ‘yes’ to my question.” She says to Reed. “When did you acquire the others?”

“Over.. the last four months.”

“And it started with ‘him’ who I’m guessing is Romulus… and then you have shifter- who was the shapeshifter under Fury’s employment, and then the other five are nameless.”

“Yes.” I answer weakly.

“But the nameless ones have genders… like you can hear in their voices whether they’re male or female.”

I just stare at her. Again, she’s right.

“What’s the importance of the ‘nameless ones’?” Reed asks.

“Five telepaths.” Rachel says thoughtfully. “Each intrusion must have disturbed his mind enough to make it ‘adapt’ to their preferences. The result was his mind thinking that they belonged there. After they left, it used his memory to construct their voices and then played them amongst his other hallucinations until they themselves became a hallucination.” She smiles. “Five telepaths. He never saw their faces, he doesn’t know who they are, so they have no names. The nameless ones. One shifter- who again is the shapeshifter who tortured him- and one Master who was the original hallucination.”

“That’s very in-depth. I've read quite a bit on the forming of auditory hallucinations... both the environmental factors and the genetic ones. I've never heard of a case like this, though.” Reed says while scribbling.

“Daken’s mind is very broken.” She states. “It’s bound to happen when someone forges you into something else. I know a little about that myself.”

‘thinks she knows. poor broken little mongrel. i’ll let you keep your birdie. the bitch is no fun. but we will be waiting. birdies and doggies have to sleep sometime. not us, though.”

She repeats his lines with disgust. “This one is downright vile. The person who it originated from must have been a real piece of shit.”

“I can’t go back to sleep.” I say suddenly. Surprising even myself. “The last two weeks have been hell on me. Every time they knock me out-“ the panic overrides everything. The screaming, gnawing need to escape. My mouth keeps going but the words aren’t registering. I’m straining against the restraints… but I can barely feel them. And words just keep falling out of my mouth. I can’t hear them. I can’t understand them. They are foreign to me.

I didn’t realize how upset I was until Rachel’s shushing me, quietly. Gently. Her voice calming and smooth. 

Lost it there for a second. NO clue what I said. Or how I said it. just drawing a blank. I just know that I’m upset. That’s the only thing registering.

“You didn’t say much.” She soothes. “Just that you were scared. You’re really scared.”

I just nod at her assessment.

“Look… I’ll talk to your dad for you. There are things you’ve been hiding from them. Things that need to be said. Like the fact that they thought you reliving one of your ‘lessons’ was just you rerunning a script… but it wasn’t was it? You were actually talking to him. He was actually hurting you. You were going to let them think that, weren't you?”

If I could, I’d lower my head.

Damn telepaths.

“I thought so. I’ll talk to Logan. Give him a debriefing of sorts. I’ll break the news that you’re a little more…. Unbalanced than we thought. He’ll take it easier from me than he will from Reed….” She pauses before adding, “ And I don’t know if he’ll be upset, or sappy when I’m done. So be ready for both, just in case.”

“And Johnny?” I question.

Rachel raises an eyebrow. “Daken… he’s been in the hallway this entire time. I thought you saw him.”

No. If I had seen him I would have been a little more… what he expects.

“He’s fine.” She assures. “It’s just a learning curve. That’s all. He’ll learn how to deal with this the same way he has everything else…. besides he sort of already knew. You’ve freaked out in front of him more than anyone else in the building- hell probably the world. He’s not running. So you’ve got a few more little bothersome quirks in your head than if he thought. Big deal.” She smiles brightly. “Let me go talk to your dad, and you can talk to lover boy for yourself.”

Reed says something to acknowledge the ‘shift change’ but doesn’t look up from his paper as Johnny comes in.

There's a tense silence. 

What do I say to him? 

How do I break the silence? 

“So they have names?” He questions somewhat sheepishly.

“Yea." I respond. "I guess they do." 

“Did you get to pick them?” He asks with a sad smile.

I have to fight the urge to smile back at him. “No.”

He bends down near my face again, kissing me like he does here lately. He only does it when I’m lucid. Which… won’t be for much longer. I’ve already lost it once since waking up. I can’t hope that today is going to be any better than this morning.

“We’ll deal with this.” Johnny says when he pulls back. “Just like everything else.”

God, he’s such a girl. But why does it make me feel better hearing him say it? Like exhaling when I hadn’t realized I’ve been holding my breath.

His fingers trace the side of my face that I clawed yesterday, he runs them down my chin and to the harshness of the leather restraint around my neck. “First we need to work on getting them to remove some of these.”

I couldn’t agree with him more.

‘imagine that. doggie wants off his leash.’

I want to say something, but Johnny leans in and kisses me again. Shifter doesn’t like being ignored. He never does. But I figure one more minute with Johnny, in this warm breath of sanity that he brings with him, is worth it.


	3. My Head Is Giving Me Life Or Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ya... kinda another loaded chapter. I really like to explore the dynamic between Logan and Daken... so i kinda played around with it a little. tell what you think. 
> 
> Eh. The new semester starts tomorrow and i have an 8 a.m three days a week now, so updates might be a little slower. 
> 
> Thanks for reading y'all! hope you enjoy

Johnny’s stayed with me for the day. He said something about there being a press conference for the Fantastic Four that he’s got to attend later… but other than that he’s all mine.

He shouldn’t be here. Time and time again I’ve tried to make him go.

He can’t be here. I can’t give him anything. And even if I could how are we supposed to live like this? He should be happy. I want him happy. I want him safe. I want-

“You’re doing it again.” He looks up from his cell phone. “Pushing your emotions off onto me.”

I don’t acknowledge this. Just lay here and close my eyes. The blackness scares me. I can almost see the others swimming behind my eye lids.

When I open them, Johnny’s full attention is on me. “It’s about you, you know.” He states gently. “The press conference. I was hoping you’d be feeling a little better by the time it came around… but I can see that that was a little too much to ask for.”

And he’s disappointed. Another failure on my behalf.

"I've pretty much dodged all questions since they found me." He says. "Seriously- they're crawling up the walls trying to get interviews. I haven't left the tower in weeks." 

I feel bad for him. 

"I'm-"   
  
"No, no." He quickly shushes. "Don't say you're sorry. IT's not your fault." 

"What do they want to interview you about?" I try to keep the conversation moving. To keep him happy . If he's talking- he's happy. 

“They want to know all about you. About us. Where we met. How we kept it a secret.” He's smiling now. I like it when Johnny smiles.  

“We didn’t,” I say without thinking about it.

Johnny laughs a little. “Ya, but that won’t sell. They’re looking for a love story.” He waits for a few seconds. “And ours happens to be the one everyone wants to hear about. You’ve been too... sick to hear about it. But all the TV talk shows want to host us. News teams are everywhere, looking for something to print. Kinda makes me feel like we're the new celebrity 'it' couple.” he grins. "When you get out of here- you'll hate it." 

God. More publicity. I’m supposed to be invisible. Able to pack up and leave whenever I need to. 

And now everyone knows. 

The doctors Reed said were his 'colleagues'. 

Everyone. 

“You still here?” He asks hesitatingly. “I know you’re having a rough day-“

“Tell them to interview Reed and Sue,” I say to cut him off.

And now he’s laughing again. It’s especially relaxing to hear. “They’ve done Reed and Sue a million times. They want to know about the man who’s stolen one of New York’s most eligible bachelors.”

“Getting a little full of ourselves, aren’t we?” Bantering is easy. It’s what he expects. What he deserves. It doesn’t kill me to oblige him. Anything to keep him happy. Anything to keep him here.

Johnny raises an eyebrow. “Oh?”

“I didn’t steal anything.” My line falls flat.

Fuck. I can't... I have to keep it up. 

He's so happy. He's so... brilliant. I need to keep him that way. 

“It was you who asked for that dance if I remember correctly.” Johnny’s hand makes it to the side of my face. I relax into it. He can touch me. He’s allowed. He’s safe.

“Worst decision of my life.” I tease weakly, losing steam. Maybe he should go. I can’t keep this up for much longer.

“Yea?” Johnny sticks his tongue out childishly. “Well, I’ll just have to remember that the next time you need something.”

“Please don’t.” I’m half serious here. “Baths from Logan are very unpleasant." 

I didn't think there was a lower level I  could sink to until my father bathed me one night. It went beyond my being afraid of drowning. It was a shining moment of pure need and helplessness that I swore I'd never show the man. 

Johnny laughs loudly. “Yea… he’s not exactly gentle.”

 “Yea.” Another flat line falls like a stone in between us.

Johnny runs his thumb across my lip, eyes looking sad again. “Thank you for trying Daken, I appreciate it. But you don’t have to.”

“What?” I'm shocked. He... noticed. 

“You can’t fool me….” he says. “You’re not all here right now. You don’t have to pretend to be for me.” After this, he smiles. “I don’t mind it when you’re gone. I prefer for you to be here, with me. But if you’re not, then I’ll just… wait for you to get back.”

“And if I don’t come back?” It's a question that's always on my mind. 

Johnny ducks his head to the side in a manner a lot of people would consider 'cute'. “Then I’ll just have to go and find you.” He presses his forehead to mine. “You’re going to be okay, you hear me? We’re going to make sure you’re okay.” He kisses my forehead. 

“Wouldn’t you be happier-“

“I’m happy here.” He says sternly. “I’m staying here.”

“I want you safe.” I admit lamely.

He smiles. “I’m safe. You don’t need to baby-sit me… that’s-“

“Your job.” I finish for him. Before giving the first genuine smile I’ve given all day.

“Right.” He affirms, moving back to look at me. “You should smile more. I like this more than the fake ones you used to give… reminds of that day at the beach. You remember?” Johnny’s scent shifts a little. He’s happy. I’ve made him happy. And I didn’t have to do anything. No faking. No pheromones. It’s… odd. Only Johnny can make me care about someone like this.

“It was freezing.” I comment.

“But you drug us to the beach anyway.” Johnny is still smiling. “And then I got the sunburn from hell…that we didn't think was possible... and you were happy. Really happy. No fake emotions… no scripted lines- just you. That’s what I like.”

 “Even now?” I ask gently. 

Johnny nods. “Even now.”

An alarm goes off on Johnny’s phone. He sighs and gets to his feet, releasing me from his hold. My skin feels cold in the absence.

He’s in his uniform like everyone else is. Some of the press is touring the building today. Reed’s made sure that this floor is blocked off… but every superhuman involved has to be in some sort of costume. I’ve yet to see my father… but I’m sure he’s following this rule as well.

Johnny wears his uniform well. It’s a change from the ratty clothes he’s been wearing lately. He catches my eyes with a ridiculous grin. “You’re checking me out.”

I give him the glare that his comment deserves.

“It's all yours, baby.” He teases before leaning over the bed. “I gotta go.” He kisses me gently like he’s afraid I’m going to shatter at any minute. To prove to him I’m not, I deepen the kiss in a way that I know drives him wild. “Mm.” He moans in surprise. “None of that.” He admonishes when he comes up for air.

I... he likes when I kiss him like that. 

I remember... 

From before. 

“You have a few minutes.” I try to keep a whine out of my voice. I don’t get the contact with him that I need. He’s my sanity. I can’t tell him in words, but I can show him.

“Tempting.” He teases, though he does kiss me again. He groans when I repeat my actions and then against my lips says, “You have got to quit doing that. I need to go.”

“Fine.” I release him. He wants to go. He wants to leave.

“I’ll be back when it’s over.” He says with a grin. “We can finish this off then?”

“I’ll be here.” I try not to sound upset with that. But I know he can hear it.

“Okay.” He nods. On his way out he draws the blinds over the large window of the room. “Incase any of the reporters get a little too nosey.”

That’s my only way to see who is the hallway… so I guess I’ll have to resort to not saying anything while it’s closed. I don’t know who could be listening.

“Oh,” He calls from the door, “ I forgot to tell you, Logan said to warn you that…” He seems to think for as second. “Your sister is coming. I think that’s the right word to use for her… I mean the politically correct term would be your father’s ‘clone’. But that doesn’t sound right.”

I don’t know how to respond to that. X is interesting. She’s cold, calculating. But then she’s warm at the same time. Loyal. She protects her friends.

The real question would be if we are friends…. I’m not sure where I stand with the girl.

She’s young. Quite a bit younger than I am. She’s hard to read.

On top of that, today really isn’t a good day for entertaining. Johnny is one thing. He knows me. But X…. I don’t have a strategy for her anymore. I don’t... have a strategy for anyone anymore. I’m just doing what I can manage.

“He um, left for the airport about an hour ago to pick her up.” Johnny continues. “I meant to tell you sooner… but you were preoccupied.”Johnny continues to linger in the doorway. “You gonna be okay? By yourself ,I mean. He should be back soon… but I could get someone to come sit with you.”

The only one who’s not involved with the conference today is Rachel. Or the children I guess. I don’t really have the drive to see either.

“I’ll be fine.” I try to smile. 

"Are you sure?" 

"Johnny, go." I order. "I'm fine." 

I"m not fine. 

Kissing him felt weird. 

Mostly in a good way- but there was  a twinge of something I didn't like there. A memory that should be forgotten. 

“Good…” He closes the door behind him, after a final look in my direction.

‘just us.’ she whispers.

“You don’t normally-“

‘shifter’s busy. he’s plotting his next ‘big’ move. i thought since the stage was empty…’

“I’m sure he is.” I growl.

‘careful. don’t know who could be lurking outside the room… remember? i’d hate for daddy dearest to be listening to you talk to yourself. especially when you don’t know how he took the news.’

I bite back a retort.

‘better.’ She sits in silence for a second. She’s not as loud as Shifter. Or as vile. A pale comparison really.

‘maybe i’m just going easy on you…. last time you and i played it was messy.’

Don’t remind me.

‘but it’s so much fun.’ She hisses. ‘you bit the good doctor... it was hilarious. and then you had to go toe to toe with him… that’s always fun to watch. ended up restrained under all that leather… kind of kinky if you ask me. hoping johnny boy will come in and do something more than that little kiss? we all know how much you would like that… being underneath another man. the thrill it gives you to have to submit… kind of the closest thing you can have to Him… isn’t it? ’

Do they do nothing but thrive off my torment? Is this going to be the rest of my life?

‘no… of course not.’ She says patronizingly. ‘we’ll make you kill yourself long before then.’

“Go away.” I mutter aloud. “All of you. Just… go the fuck away.”

She laughs. ‘i wonder… if we were to up the ante, what would happen if you and He were to have it out with no one around? who would come and hold your weak, trembling, hands then? daddy? you get so torn when he touches you. you crave that contact. daddy’s attention makes you feel loved… but you know the pointlessness in that. you’re alone, mongrel. you were born alone and you will die alone. no one cares.’

“I’m not alone.” I threaten. “Someone will be along shortly.”

‘i’m shaking.’ A second voice hisses.

“Why… why are you doing this?”

‘chemicals.’ The first one says shortly. ‘your brain is unbalanced. we didn’t get to choose you any more than you got to choose us. you think we’d willing want to be stuck inside some half breed? gah. you flea infested animal. always thinking its all about you. all about what daken wants. poor daken can’t eat because of what he did. poor daken can’t sleep because we won’t leave him alone. we should just give you a razor blade… since obviously you’re no good with the claws. you could have made him go away, you know. you could have ended your misery… but you missed. one shot, and you blow it.’

“Leave me alone!" I don't want to hear about how I should die.   
  
I... 

I don't know if I want to live. 

I don't need their input into the matter. 

The door whirring catches my attention. And shit. They baited me into talking… or yelling. There is no way to explain that. No possible escape methods…

Logan stands in the door way, his expression unreadable under his mask. His lips , the only part of his face exposed, are drawn into a tight line. “Having a little chat?” He asks almost conversationally.

“Logan-“

He holds up a hand. “No need to explain. I talked to Rachel.” Logan walks over to the bed. His yellow and blue outfit sticking out terribly against the white motif on the room.  
“You’re trembling.” He notes. “They really got you that upset, huh?”

“Please… make it stop.” I beg.

His face remains unreadable. “I can’t. I’m sorry.”

“They’re going to hurt me.” I try to make him see the danger that I’m in. I’m not sure if it’s getting through to him.

“I know it seems like it.” The man says softly. “But we’re going to keep you safe.”

‘safe.’ Shifter’s back. ‘let’s show daddy how messed up we are, shall we? i can make you show him. i can make you loose every last inch you’ve gained with the man.’

“Don’t.”

“Don’t what?” Logan asks gently. 

I wish I had a hand free. I’d like to bang it against my skull until they quiet. Then maybe some more… just to feel something other the terror.

‘oh yes. we’re going to have some fun today… you just have to cooperate. can you do that for me? like a good boy?”

“Son?” Logan’s voice holds just a hint of panic to it. And that about breaks me. “Hey…” He puts a hand on my shoulder. “Whatever you're afraid of, you don’t have to be. They can’t hurt you-“

“But they are hurting me. That’s what no one understands!” I snap. 

My father’s scent changes to something close to anger. I don’t know why. I don’t understand it and I’m not causing it.

“I can’t make them stop hurting you. Or bothering you. Hell, I can’t even promise that they won’t keep waking you up…. I can just make sure that you don’t hurt yourself.” He sounds pained. “I promised to keep you safe. And I’m trying. But this… this is not what I expected. I’m not equipped to deal with this. It’s not something I can fight off for you. It’s not something the telepaths can make disappear… it’s just here. And if the only physical symptom of them is what you do to yourself… then we’re just going to have to start there.”

“Kill me.” I beg.

Logan sighs heavily. “No…. no Akihiro. Never ask that of me again. Understood?”

“It would-“

“No.” He moves his hand to the top of my head, stroking along my hair. His glove smells like leather and makes just slightest noise as his finger move. The motion is calming for me. I like being pet. It's something everyone is starting to figure out.  “Just relax.” He advises. “Don’t listen to ‘em. Stay with me.”

Logan's heartbeat is slow and steady.   
Calm.   
Grounded. 

I wish I had his strength. 

"Stay with me." He repeats quietly. 

‘bite him.’ Shifter urges. ‘make him fear you. pity is not what you can use. bite him! come on… do it you worthless little half-breed.’

‘Stay with him’ he had said. As opposed to doing what? I have nowhere to go. My head’s not even safe anymore. I lose days at a time in fits of hysteria… they end up sedating me at least twice a day. No one has a clue how to help me. I’m unsalvageable.

“The telepaths can’t touch them.” Logan says quietly. “This isn’t a psychic problem. It’s a physical problem.. well mental I guess would be the right word. So you… you just have to learn how to tune them out.”

Why is he repeating himself? I’m not stupid. I know what this is. I know better than anyone.

‘that’s right. get mad. snarl and growl like-‘

“I am not a dog!” I snap at Shifter. Who in turn snickers. My voice sounds ragged even to my own ears.

“Yea…” Logan says while taking the chair by the bed and turning it around before he sits in it, arms resting on the neck rest. “Didn’t say you were…. But you’re probably not talking to me, are you?”

I could do something. I could make him leave. But then I’d be stuck here alone. Alone with them. Alone with him.

“You’re gonna be alright.” Logan comforts, more for himself I think. “We’ll work something out with Rachel… she’ll do anything she can to help. Maybe make it to where you don’t have to be strapped to the bed all the time. You just need to stop hurting yourself. Alright? You quit that and we’ll see what we can do about giving you some options about your treatment.”

Right. Because not being forcibly restrained to the bed is an ‘option’ in my treatment.

The moment's tick by. I wait for his next move. Craving relief from the utter darkness that’s threatening to consume my vision.

“I didn’t invite Laura here.” He says randomly, dragging my attention back to him. “She came on her own. Didn’t tell me until she was at the airport.”

“Why?” I don't understand her motives. "How did she know?" 

Logan's face remains unreadable. "I told her you were sick." 

"And she decided to come see me out of the blue?" I press. "Why?" 

“Like it or not, your family kid. You’re part of her family. Our family. We look out for each other.”

‘sentiment.’ She hisses again. ‘disgusting.’

‘weak.’ He snarls.

‘and not to mention pointless.’ Shifter adds.

God. Three of them at once. My head is starting to hurt.

“You get that look on your face when they’re bothering you.” He points to me. “That one right there. Like you’ve got a really bad headache. It’s such a small little signal. I bet if we didn’t know what was going on, we wouldn’t know what it meant. You’re losing your ability to hide it now…” he sighs. “Reed calls it ‘deteriorating’. He says if we don’t do something fast, you’ll lose the ability to function. You got anything to say on that? Or do you just plan to let it play out?”

“They won’t stop.” I say before I can stop myself. Why the hell am I revealing so much to him? He’s the one in charge of everything. If he knows how bad it really is, I’ll never be free. “I can’t function because they won’t let me.”

“I know.” He says quietly. I wish I could see he eyes. Or that he wasn’t so close so I could try to pick up a scent. “You put up with them a lot- don’t you? It must be hard to focus on all these things at once.”

I finally get myself under control. Don’t answer. Don’t say anything. Go back to the way you were when you arrived. Tell them nothing.

“You can be honest with me, son.” Logan prompts. “I know what’s going on with you. Hell, I just walked in on you fighting with one of them. Nothing you do is going to scare me off. No amount of silence, or pushing, is making me leave.” He sighs at my silence. “Daken- I’m trying to understand this. I really am. You’ve got to give me a little more to go off of.”

‘ah. doggie’s got a tick. how cute.’ Shifter sounds particularly nasty today.

“I am not a dog.” I repeat from earlier, though this time, I’m surprised to feel tears running down my cheeks.

“Is that what they’re calling you?” Logan asks quietly. “Makes sense… given the name you choose to give people.”

Like the villagers. Always a mongrel. Always different. Always alone.

“You aren’t a mongrel.” He says gently. “And you’re not an animal. They can’t make you into something that you aren’t.”

‘want to test that theory?’ Master’s voice coils around my mind like a serpent. ‘i’ve already done it. i plan to do it again.’

I’m not angry. But I’m shaking. These tremors are something I’ve been experiencing a lot here lately. So much fear. So much pain in some cases. I just shake. I start and I can’t stop.

“You’re okay.” He repeats for the thousandth time. “This is okay. You just do as much as you can with them and let us take care of everything else, alright? No need to get stressed out… or let your mind ‘slip’. Everything’s covered.”

‘what bullshit is this?” Shifter hisses. ‘attack him. end this sentimental rambling! go! do it now! he’s trying to take care of you now? you’re going to let him!? he wasn’t there… hurt him! make him pay!”

“No!” I end up yelling without really meaning too.

“Okay…” Logan drawls. “You want to explain that now? I think it’s the third time you’ve said something to them while I’ve been talking to you.”

Remain silent. Give nothing away…

“Daken,” He sighs. “This is what I’m talking about. You can’t just pick and choose what you get to tell us. Tell me what’s going on, son. Make me understand.”

“Please don’t make me.” I beg. 

“I think you need to at this point. If not to me, then to somebody.”

“They… want me to hurt you.” I growl to keep from sobbing. It ends up somewhere between a growl and a whine. Pathetic. Like the kicked dog I’ve been turned into. “They’re always telling me things. Calling me things. They never stop! They’re there when I go to sleep! They’re there when I wake up! They’re there every moment in between! And they won’t stop!”

“Okay…” Logan looks a little thrown. “Okay. Calm down. Breathe… there ya go.”

Sudden emotional outbursts that aren’t anger driven are relatively new for me. I don’t know how to use them. I can even begin to ponder how to extort them to my will… this is not a positive thing. This is a very crippling thing. I want them to rip it away from me. Take me back to the place where I don’t feel anymore. If for nothing else, to take away all of this pain.

“So…. they don’t leave you alone. We need to find you a solution quickly then… are they there when you,” he thinks for a second “ ‘ lose it’?”

“What?” I know my eyes are wide as I ask this. I try to ignore the feeling of unshed tears. I miss my control. I miss my old self. The self that was too stupid to know anything about real pain.

“That’s what you and Johnny call your episodes, isn’t it? You ‘lose’ it. You ‘lose’ your mind. Or control of it, anyway. Do they cause that?”

“How did you-“

Logan chuckles. “I’ve done so much research on this that I could be a fucking shrink.” He smiles a little. “That involves talking to everyone involved.” There’s silence for as second before he presses with, “So they’re involved in the episodes-huh? Are they involved with you not eating, too?”

‘damn. the bastard’s got you in a corner. come on now mongrel… do something. or are you going to let daddy roll you over onto your back and neuter you?”

“I can’t..” I hiss. “I can’t.”

“Can’t answer, huh?” He leans back. “You know that Rachel’s going to visit twice a day… until we find another way to deal with it. We’re going to get answers, Daken. I’d just rather hear them from you.”

“They’re listening.” I try to make him understand.

“Let them listen.” He counters. “Who cares what they think? They’re not real.”

“But they are!” I snap, just south of the border of hysterical.

Logan shakes his head. “Just chemical misfires in your head… that’s all.”

“They’re going to hurt Johnny.” I say quickly. “They’re going to hurt him.” The last comes out far too ragged for my liking. Far too real. Distance. I need distance. I need to collect and gather information on my situation…. I need room. I need to think. I need peace. God, why is there no peace?  
‘trying to tell on us just makes them think that you’re nuts.’ Shifter giggles. ‘and now we’re definitely going to hurt him. you should have laid there and kept your stupid mouth shut.”

My father intently studies the floor. “They’re not going to hurt anyone... they can’t son. You understand that, don’t you?” He asks finally. “That they’re just saying those things to scare you? They don’t exist. They have no physical bodies. Outside of your head, they’re nothing. You get it? They CAN’T hurt anyone. It’s impossible.”

“But they’re GOING to.” This half pleading and half snarling.

“They CAN’T.” He repeats. “Daken, it’s reasonable to be scared of them… it really is. But they can’t make you do anything you don’t want to. They don’t have that kind of control.”

“They do…”

“They don’t.” He corrects. “They can’t.”

My head hurts. I want to go to sleep. I want to be somewhere far away from here, away from everything. Away from everyone… well not everyone. I want Johnny there. He said we’d leave. He promised we’d leave… why didn’t we? Why are we still here?

“Just kill me. Get me out of this… this place. Away from them. Please.” I finally beg. “Before someone gets hurt.”

Logan doesn’t say anything. Instead, he reaches over without looking up and holds my hand under the restraints.

After a few minutes, his hand tightens around mine. “You’re okay. We’re okay. Things will get better.”

“Logan-“

“Things will get better.” He repeats, a little harsher.

He doesn’t say anything else and eventually I start to doze off. Things will get better… they have to right? They can’t get any worse. We’ve gone as low as we can.

‘you know better than that.’ Master chides in a disappointed tone.


	4. Were You Born

60 years in the past

“Get up.” He snarls. “Get up and fight.”

I don’t know this man. Someone master’s hired to hurt me. No… that’s not the right word. He’s teaching me. The pain is just a side effect. If I were as strong as I’m supposed to be, this wouldn’t be happening.

I try to stand on my feet, but the gash that runs from my ankle to my thigh on my left leg won’t let me. It’s not healing fast enough.

“You worthless little maggot.” The man growls. His language is odd to me. I’ve only just started learning English. “Use your claws, idiot!”

I can’t. They’re so painful. They scare me. All black and shiny and covered in blood. It wouldn’t be bad… but it’s my blood. They burst through my skin and make me bleed.

“I…” I quickly try to muster up what English I can. “Can’t.” I say finally.

“You can’t?” The man laughs, lunging again. His sword takes a large portion of my arm away.

Try not to scream. That makes it worse. Bottle it up…

“Enough.” Master walks out onto the dirt patch of the courtyard, ending my torment. “The child is still fearful… aren’t you Daken?”

That name. I didn’t want it. NO one would want it. But it’s all I have. I miss being Akihiro. I miss playing in my village. The way the sun would set in the evening… the sound of other children. I never played with them. I regret that.

Here there are no children. Just me. Alone.

“Answer me, boy.” The man growls.

He’s massive. Much bigger than anyone I’ve ever seen. He’s so frightening… yet I want to make him happy. My master is all I have. He’s the only person who will care for me.

“Yes.” I bow my head, hoping that my submission will please him. Or at least convince him not to hurt me.

I've had to learn to show him respect in the oddest of ways. 

Lowering my head is the one that comes to mind more often than the others.   
 

“Get up.” He growls. “On your feet.”

The wounds have healed by now, but I still flinch anticipating the pain. When it doesn’t come, I thought I would relax. I don’t though.

“If you’re too afraid to protect yourself, then you are not worthy of being here.” Romulus says briskly. “If you won’t listen to reason, then I will have to teach you in other ways.”

That makes me fearful. I’ve seen his ‘other’ methods. I don’t want to go near him when he reaches a large hand towards me.

“Come.” He urges.

I stand still… too frightened to move.

“Daken, come.” The man repeats.

If I go with him, pain is imminent.

If I stay away from him, pain is imminent.

There is no right answer. There is NEVER a right answer.  
There is just what he wants. I need to want what he wants. I need to obey and try to do as he says.

Shivering, I take his hand and allow him to lead me.

I’m not surprised to find myself in one of the darkest parts of the compound. This isn’t a happy place. I won’t like what happens here. But it will make me stronger.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“Akihiro…” Pressure is applied to my face. I don’t want to wake up. For once the others have been mercifully quiet- letting me stew in my memories. Even though they’re old- they’re made fresh by the recent procedures. The telepaths had wanted everything. Every single thing I could give them. They tore through the barriers in my mind like they were nothing. I couldn’t even begin to defend myself. A lot like back then. A lot like now.

“Hey,” More pressure is on me. “Wake up, okay?” Johnny’s scent catches my attention as well as something not completely unpleasant. Hot, warm smells. God if he’s trying to make me eat he’s wasting his time.

The smell makes me sick to my stomach. 

I oblige him in the waking up part.

Johnny is out of uniform now. Changed back into a t-shirt and jeans. He’s holding a bowl in his hand… though he’s the one that seems to be eating out of it.

“Good nap?” he questions before taking another bite from the bowl.

“It was.” I say pointedly.

Johnny smiles. “Can’t let you sleep too much. You won’t sleep at night.”

“I don’t want to sleep at night.” I grouse.

“Too bad.” Johnny pulls the spoon to his lips again.

“What are you eating?” I wrinkle my nose.

“Soup.” He says with great ease. “You hungry? You can have some…”

I glare at him.

“Look… don’t make them feed you again. They’re not using the tube anymore. It’s going to be solid food that they force into your mouth. Don’t let them do it.” He pleads. "You won't like it." 

“They can’t do that.” I try to shrug it off. The motion is hindered by the restriction of the leather.

Johnny snorts. “They can if Logan says they can.”

That makes me wince. “And I’m guessing…”

“They sent me in here to talk to you about it. Hopefully to change your mind. No one wants to do this to you.” Johnny sounds so patient. 

I can't eat. 

I can't tell them why- but I can't. 

Logan's the one pushing it the hardest and I don't understand why. He knows I won't starve. His healing works like mine. He knows what our bodies can and can't take. 

“…”

“Okay.” He sighs. “It’s not going to be pretty.”

“I don’t think they can do it.” I say quietly. “Logan won’t let them get too far into it.” He backs down easily when I cry- I've noticed. If I'm distressed he's either uncomfortable- which I am as well- or overprotective. 

“Logan wants you healthy.” Johnny counters. “He’s willing to do anything to get you there.”

“I- can’t.” I feel like I have to say that at least twenty times a day now. No one really understands the boundaries I’ve set up in my mind. How could they? I don’t tell them.

“Alright.” Johnny says with a nod. “If you can’t- you can’t. No need to force you… well metaphorically speaking anyway. Physically I guess they are forcing you… but that’s beside the point.”

“How was the conference?” I try to stop his babbling as well as distract myself from what is sure to be an unpleasant experience.

Johnny smiles brightly. “Lots of crying fans. Good Ol’ all American Human Torch playing for the other team hasn’t gone over well with some of the ladies.” \ 

“Imagine that.” I can't help but smile.

“It helps that you’re hot. People seem to think we make a cute couple.”

“They haven’t seen me.” I grouse.

“They’ve seen you in the videos… and we’ve got some pics of you being brought here. I bet you didn’t realize just how many members of the press were there. Ben says you were really out of it.”

Out of it. That’s one of putting it. I’d stick more to ‘driven into a wild fit of hysteria that lasted for days’. Being in that state… for days, literal days- nothing terrifies me more. They kept trying to calm me… but nothing worked. I wouldn’t let the doctors touch me. When I started struggling, they were afraid I would hurt them- so they left me alone. Reed wasn’t having that. He ordered them to help him put me on the bed. No matter how much I struggled. And then there was Logan…. I couldn’t face him. Not after what Shifter did. The very sight of him drove me back to the edge. His hands anywhere near me… I can’t finish that thought. It doesn’t matter. It was in the past. We’re moving forward now. Away from those things.

“Wrong thing to say, huh?” Johnny drags me back to the present. Which is slightly less confusing. “I just meant.. well they got pictures. You can’t have a case this big going on in the Baxter Building without the press making a nuisance of themselves over it.”  
He clears his throat. “Come on back.” He says in a light tone, still slurping up the broth. “There ya go.” he mumbles this with a full mouth. God, he’s being disgusting.

I can’t deny that he’s getting good at reading me, though. I don’t know whether to be impressed with him or ashamed of my own actions.

“Gross.” I mumble.

He smiles. “You’re calling me gross, now? One minute you want to be all lovey, the next you’re trying to make out with me, and then you wrap it up by calling me names.” He pouts a little. “You’re sending a guy all the wrong signals here.”

I guess I should be glad he’s eating. He spends as much time as they’ll let him down here. No breaks. No stopping. He just stays.

“Well,” He leans against the wall, continuing to eat. “They also wanted me to see if you were up for a visitor… that isn’t one of your normal people, that is. We hardly count as visitors at this point.”

“No.” I know who he’s talking about. I’ve decided not to see her. I won’t let her see me like this. I’m better than this.

Johnny makes a small disgruntled noise. “See now you’re putting me in a bit of situation.” He smiles at me as he says this. “Because she said that she didn’t really care what your answer is. I talked her into giving me a few minutes to talk to you alone… but she’s probably on her way here as we speak. She’s pretty much as stubborn as you are...”

“Tell her I won’t see her.” I growl.

“Daken, I’ve been trying. She isn’t listening.”

I groan a little. “Go get Logan. Tell him to make her stay away.”

As if she could hear us, the door starts to whir. I’m glad my head’s restrained. I would have tried to knock myself into unconsciousness if it weren’t.

“Daken.” X greets upon entering. “Johnny said that you didn’t want to see me… but I came anyway. If for nothing else to get an explanation as to why you won’t see me.”

“I’m busy.” I try weakly.

Laura looks around, her green eyes taking in the empty room. “Busy with what?” She’s dressed in civilian clothes… though showing off far too much skin. If she weren’t a trained assassin with adamantium claws in her hands, I’d be worried for her safety…. Wait. that’s not right. I don’t care about her safety. I don’t care about anyone’s safety. Except for Johnny. Maybe Sue… ah. God. What is wrong with me? I miss being numb. At least then I wasn’t confused.

“I just am.”

“You don’t sound like yourself.” She states, taking the chair Logan had been in earlier and ironically sitting in the exact same position he had. The chair turned backward, elbows on the head rest. It’s eerie to the say the least.

“He’s tired.” Johnny fields her statement. “I tried telling you that upstairs.”

“He looks like he just woke up.”

“Ya… well, he’s tired again.” Johnny tries.

“Then I will stay with him while he sleeps.”

Johnny groans. “Look… I think it’s best if you leave X. I’m all for ‘family fun’ but he’s already got enough people involved with this. He needs just a little privacy.”

She gazes over Johnny before turning back to me. “I like him.” God. Logan’s blunt-But X doesn’t even try. “Very attractive. I can see that he treats you well.”

I almost laugh. This isn’t how our conversations go. Hell Laura and I don’t have conversations. It’s mostly fighting. And when we do converse we’re trying to manipulate each other… it’s not left much room for ‘bonding’. “Logan said that your health is getting worse…”

“Please don’t do this.” I interrupt.

“Do what?”

“Act like you’re here because you care. You’re here because you feel obligated. You’re here because you think it’s what your supposed to do.”

“It IS what I’m supposed to do. We are family. We share DNA. And I will stay here with you and Logan until you are better.”

“Then you’re going to be here for a while.” I scoff.

“I packed an adequate amount of clothing.” She stares at me again. Like I’m supposed to do a trick for her. I don’t know why it bothers me so much. Shifter’s always saying that when he tells me to do things. The phrasing makes my skin crawl.

“What?” I finally snap.

“I want you to tell me what happened.” There she goes with the whole ‘blunt’ deal. “Logan says you won’t tell him. I was hoping that you would tell me.”

I’m silent for a while and she lets the silence sit. She doesn’t feel how awkward this is. That or she doesn’t care. I can see that Johnny does. He’s twitching and fidgeting, clinking the spoon in the bowl… making noise to make noise basically. “Akihiro…” He starts. “Maybe you should talk to her. She’s already here. She says she’s not leaving… she’s the closest thing you have to sibling. Siblings can be helpful. Trust me. I’d be lost without Sue.” He smiles sadly. “Let her help you.”

“Is that your real name?” Laura asks conversationally. “Which would you prefer me to use while we’re talking?”

“Neither.”

“I will keep calling you ‘Daken’ then. Until you decide that it’s okay for me to call you by your real name. I know how important names are.”

Because she didn’t have a public name. She was X-23. A project. I don’t really know where her name came from. Or how exactly she came to be. Damaged DNA is hard to replicate. They had to have an incubator of some sort… and she’s said something about her mother in the past. It grinds on me- the fact that she’s a clone, and even she had a mother. Why did I not get that privilege?

“You are sick.” She says after the silence sits for a good three or four minutes. “And when they let you move… Logan says that you hurt yourself.” Something flashes in her eyes. “I also used to hurt myself. But I stopped. I will teach you how to stop.”

The laugh that makes it past my lips has another hint of hysteria in it.

“It is not funny.” X stares at me intently.

“I’m not hurting myself.” I say finally. “I’m trying to kill myself… there’s a difference.”

“Not a big one.”

Johnny clears his throat. Torn between his loyalty to me and the level of awkwardness this situation is creating. “Daken she’s trying here. She’s come a long way. Come on.” He pleads. “You can give her something, right?”

My eyes turn to him. Why would he say that? If he loves me, shouldn’t he be helping me? His eyes are soft and warm, making me feel the same sense of protectiveness over him. Johnny needs protection. He needs for me to keep him safe… and I can’t do that. And now X is here… and I don’t know. It’s confusing. Very, very confusing.

“I know pain-“

“You know nothing of pain.” I spit.

“My pain is different from yours.” Laura says quietly. “But it is there none the less.”

‘who’s the bitch?’ shifter’s voice is quiet. I want him to stay that way. He doesn’t need to get involved with this. It’s personal. ‘oh, i see. another friend of daddy’s… wait, wait i got it! daddy’s little clone bitch. how precious. another little half breed for mongrel to play with.’

And just when I thought this wasn’t awkward enough. Shifter. A bastard in life… crueler in death. At least it’s not the others. The nameless ones seem to think that now is a good time to start being more active. Maybe Logan’s right. Maybe my mind really is disintegrating . I don’t see how it could get worse at this point… but I’m sure it can. And it will.

‘worse? now that’s what i like to hear. here’s what’s going to happen; you’re going to lure the little bitch in and then force her to untie you with your little pheromone trick. then you’re going to take off johnny boy’s head. then maybe go after daddy. or the richard’s little brats. how many do you think you could take out, daken? stats wise.’

NO… Logan said they’re not real. They’re not physical beings.

‘take it off… two claws. just stab and rip. stab and rip.’

“Are you well?” X asks knowingly.

‘yes, are you?’ Shifter teases. ‘draw her in. let her think she’s helping.’

“Go away.”

“God damn it.” Johnny swears quietly before turning to Laura. “You should leave. This is probably going to get messy.” He sighs a little tiredly before adding. “He.. he does this little thing sometimes. I don’t really know how much you know and I’m not going to tell you anything that he doesn’t want you to know. Just know that it’s been kind of a rough day. I mean every day is a rough day. But he’s been a little more… ‘moody’ today than usual… And I think it’s best that you leave.”

“Moody?” She looks at me through guarded eyes.

“He gets upset… sometimes we cause it, sometimes we don’t. Usually, Logan, Reed, or I have to do something to bring him back down. But that takes a while.”

‘come on doggie. do a trick… a little wave of pheromones, the bitch will let you go… and you’re free. all you need to do is shed a little blood. that’s all. put them out of their misery.’

“Shut up!” This comes out very loud, and very suddenly.

X looks startled. Johnny just looks tired.

“It’s alright.” He starts his usual litany of useless support.

“He is… not well.” Laura says more to herself. “Logan said that he suffered from some sort of interruption.” She looks at Johnny for a few seconds before adding, “ In his head… his mind I guess is the better term. I suppose he’s talking to them, then?”

How many people are going to find out about this? Why don’t they just rent a billboard while they’re at it?

I pull against the restraints uselessly. I can’t get free. I know I can’t get free. Even shifter’s plan won’t work. He’s just trying to make trouble.

“No, he isn’t well.” Johnny stands there while whipping out his cell phone. “It’s probably best if we call Reed and have him-“

“If you say the word ‘sedate’ I’m going to fucking scream.” I growl. “That’s all you people ever do! You wonder what happens when I’m sedated? What they do to me? It’s horrible! And you just keep-” Lots of pressure in my head… it almost hurts. “They hurt me. Logan doesn’t understand… I can’t make him understand… No one fucking understands!”

“Okay… I get that you’re upset.” Johnny says quietly. “Just calm down..”

“I am fucking calm!” I snap in a very un-calm tone.

“No, you’re not. You’re working yourself up to a place we both know you don’t like being… so let me try to talk you down. Okay? Talk with me. Walk me through it.”

“All of you… all of you are hurting me.” The white noise is starting to grow at the base of my skull. “Just like them. You’re just like them!”

“No one’s hurting you.” Johnny assures.

The static gets louder and louder. I’m losing myself to it. It comes in waves. It is completely self-aware- robbing me of the most basic thoughts. All that’s left is the panic and anger it leaves behind it.

“Just like them. Every single fucking person.”

X glances at Johnny with a look I can’t decipher. “He’s not making any sense.” She says in a pointless whisper.

“Ya… it’s just a little quirk. He hasn’t had one of these in a while. I guess it was overdue.”

‘over due. yes, i think that sums it up nicely. it’s been too long since we caused a scene. go ahead. get angry. we won’t leave you alone. your life is so horrible with all the bad things and the bad people. you can’t trust anyone. they’re going to hurt you. poor little mongrel. they want you around as a project. they’re observing how far they can let you go. getting ready to cage you. i wonder how pretty you’ll look behind bars.’

“Stop talking to me!” Through the noise, he’s there. Always there. And they’re there. On the outside. Looking at me. Judging me. Pitying me. I can’t stand it for another minute.

“Okay. Okay.” Johnny sighs. “So it’s going to be one of those days, huh? Bring it on. Who’s saying what? Who’s bothering you? We’ll talk through it. We can work through this… just tell me. What are they saying?”

“You can’t understand it…” I groan.

“I understand more than you think.” Johnny still handles his cell phone in one hand. I know he’s itching to call Reed.

‘ohhhh. johnny wants to play.’

“Not with you.” I growl at Shifter. I can almost feel him smirk.

“You don’t have to listen to him,” Johnny says comfortingly. “You can think of something else.”

How? How when everything is white noise and my vision is all swirls of color and light and…

“Whoa.” The door opens again, emitting Rachel- the last person I want in the room right now. “Picked up a lot of distress… kind of figured it was coming from in here.”

“He doesn’t want to be sedated,” Johnny says quickly. “He kind of asked not to be, actually.”

More useless information. So many scents and sounds… all of them breathing-Their pulses, Heart rates- everything. I have the dim hope that a telepath in the room might be helpful… but that’s replaced by terror when I think about it. They’re powerful things, telepaths. Once they’re in, you can’t make them leave. They can have whatever they want.

Rachel nods to Johnny and X. “Hey, Laura. Glad you made it okay.” She says pleasantly before turning back to me. “So… let’s see. Fear, panic, anger- yup. He’s pretty much let them work him over…”

I growl at her. I’m not sure why. But I don’t want her anywhere near me.

“I’ve been working on a little something for him. Took a lot of practice but I think I’ve got it down… it’s the physic equivalent of a really good anti-psychotic mixed with a damn good muscle relaxer.” She walks over to me. “Daken, I’m going to need you to relax...” She says as she places her fingers delicately on my temple. “I’m going to make this go away for a while, okay? Then we’ll figure out a way to sort it out.”

It doesn’t take long. The noise stops… all noise stops. The colors stop swirling. The anger subsides. Then there’s nothing. I’m awake, but I’m not. I’m neither here nor there. And none of them are saying a fucking word. However, I’m not either. I don’t know what to do with this. I’m not sure if I like it or not.

“It’s just a temporary method to use instead of sedation… it’ll only last a few hours.” Rachel keeps her fingers on my forehead for a few extra seconds. I don’t have enough presence left it me to feel what she’s doing. “hmmm… Shifter again, huh? He seems to be the most prominent. Which really doesn’t make sense… because he’s not the original hallucination.”

Johnny walks around the bed and observes for a second. “What the hell is this?” He hisses.

“It’s a relaxed state… I don’t know how else-“

“You’ve turned him into a fucking vegetable!” Johnny growls.

Rachel gives him an annoyed glance. “I told you I was working on it. It needs more practice…. Once I get the exact levels right, he’ll be fine.”

Johnny continues to glare at the woman. “ What the hell kind of solution is this? If we wanted him to be catatonic, we’d just leave him alone! What do you think will happen when he comes to?!”

“Well..”

“He’ll go back to the same exact state he was in. God!” He exclaims loudly. “You people are treating this like it’s a fucking science project! This isn’t something you get to ‘practice’. If you’re going to help him then just fucking do it! Don’t fuck him up worse than he already is!”

“Johnny, I understand your feelings on this. And they are valid. You want him safe. But you need to look past yourself and see that there are things that need to be done here. We don’t have a lot of time to work with. Everything seems like an experiment- because it is an experiment. This illness literally didn't exist until Daken. There's no precedent. We don’t know what we’re doing, or what will work. We have to play it be ear. Doing this is better than sedating him. You said yourself that he doesn’t want to be sedated. ” Rachel says through gritted teeth. “Hopefully after this, his mind will be in a semi calmer state. This is just to give him some distance from everything. To let him sort it out as best he can without anything bothering him.”

It’s a nice thought. But I can’t see it working. I can hear them. I’m aware of everything going on around me. I just.. can’t seem to communicate that.

“And how is this any better than sedating him?” Johnny puts a hand on my face, checking for my response.

“It’s not.” Rachel says somewhat calmer. “But again I’ll say that you, yourself, said that he asked not to be sedated. This is the other option. We can’t let him have these episodes with no assistance whatsoever. They’re wrecking him.”

“He can hear you.” Laura says quietly. “He’s tracking your voices… take your fight elsewhere.”

“And you?” Johnny looks at her with his tone softening . “What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to do what I said I would.” She says while relaxing into the chair. “He can’t be left alone. I will stay with him.”

“Laura… you really aren’t qualified-“

“I’m as qualified as Johnny is.” The girl says without any heat to her tone. “The two of you need to leave. If this exercise was meant to calm him down then  your fighting is counter-productive.”

The two mumble something in agreement. Johnny leans over the side railing and gently kisses me, saying he’ll be back soon.

Rachel leaves in a huff a few seconds before Johnny.

“You should be grateful to have someone who loves you.” X says as they leave. “Johnny was willing to fight me to keep me from coming down here. He only stopped at Logan’s insistence.” She waits for a few seconds. “I suppose you can’t respond… so I’ll just sit here quietly until you are ready to talk to me.”

Numb. All over. But I can hear her. I can almost feel her there. It’s odd, but it’s a comforting presence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading y'all! I love writing this, even though it is admittedly very tough to write. Hope you continue to enjoy.


	5. I'm Your Fool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so uh. ya. This chapter kinda describes torture. physical and psychological I guess. 
> 
> Kinda dark. Kinda bloody. A little bit squirmy. 
> 
> So read with caution. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!

Things are quiet for a while. I drift in and out not really bothered by anyone. 

It’s peaceful. Relaxing even.

X sighs from her spot. She’s been quiet for the most of it. We’ve been in here for hours... at least I think we have. “You are aware that hiding things from Logan and I is pointless, aren’t you?” She looks up from her phone. “He was the one who rescued you, after all.”

No… that’s not right.

“And I don’t expect you to remember, but I was too. Hiding things from us is pointless. We’ve seen glimpses of what’s been done. Not filling us in is just rude.”

She was… but she wasn’t. She couldn’t be. I remember so little of that day. Well… after the shocks, that is. My memory isn’t as good as it should be.

“Think about it Daken, really think about it. Sort through it in your mind. You can figure out what was real and what wasn’t. Who wasn’t there and who was.” She goes back to playing on her phone. “And when you’re ready, the three of us should talk.”

Talk… no. I don’t think that’s going to happen.

“Or… I will continue to stay with you, day out and day in until you decide to talk.” She threatens without any heat. “Think hard before you decide. I’m told I can be very annoying.”

I wonder who called her that? And how they managed to get away from her.

I’ll think about it. I could easily let them in. I’m tired of dealing with this on my own. Johnny’s taking a good brunt of the weight as well. The two of us… we can’t keep it up by ourselves. Maybe having someone else wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**3 days before Johnny’s rescue**

 

Lights. It always starts with lights.

And pain.

Master told me to go with them. Johnny is walking me there, again. The two work together in some form. Johnny stuck under his thumb. He doesn’t belong here... not in this horrible, horrible place.

I plead for Johnny's release but Master is insistent. He insists that I do as the doctors say. He calls it 'improvement'. I've yet to meet his demands. Each day that passes I fear more and more for Johnny's safety. 

“Just a little longer.” Johnny says cheerfully. I don’t understand why he’s happy. How he could possibly be happy.  
I’m not. I’m sore. And I’m cold. They took away most of my clothing … they said it was because I was a suicide risk. That doesn’t make sense to me… but I’m not really in a position to question it. I find it remotely humiliating if I'm being honest. I don't like facing these people undressed. But they don't ask me. Thye say I don't know anything useful about anything. And maybe I don't. I just know that I'm cold now. Cold and tired. 

We walk past the bedrooms. So, so, so many bedrooms. One was mine. I don’t sleep in it anymore. They won’t let me. They barely let me sleep at all. If I fall asleep when they want me to be awake, Master beats me mercilessly. 

I know that they have a shape shifter. Logically I know this. There’s no way for all of these people to be here…. But then Johnny’s here… and my brain won’t let me believe anything else. It says he’s here. I want him to be here. He’s protecting me again. Or he’s trying.

The real form and the shape shifter have merged together. There is no difference anymore.

Johnny smiles. “Come here… I need you to do something for me again. One more time- okay?”

“Johnny-“ My voice shakes.... I can't help it. I know he wants me to be stronger.. he's always teasing me about how weak I am. But I can't help it. I spend so much time in pain here. So much time in fear. How can I not be weak?  "I can't do this anymore." 

Johnny wears an expression that I can't place. "Oh love." He says . "Oh, oh, oh. You don't even know what I'm going to ask you! Don't say 'no' until you've tried." 

Johnny actually seems to thrive in captivity. That's what scares me the most. I think he's starting to hate me. I hate it. I love him so much. And it's my fault he's here. I know he resents me. 

 "I'm very tired." I try. "This..don't make sense... my head-"   
  
"Tell me what's going on in that rat's nest, love." 

Johnny has taken to insulting me recently. 

It's not bad. It hurts- but I know it's just because he's frustrated. 

 "I.." My body starts to tremble. I have to reign it in. I have to show control. I have.... I can't. I'm trying and I can't. "I don't know." 

I'm talking more. That should be seen as a sign of 'improvement' right? 

They say it's just because I'm traumatized. 

I tried to point out that if I was traumatized, they should stop introducing new trauma. 

... The doctor.. the woman... she pinned my hands to the table with a large lobotomy pin for asking that. 

I'm not allowed to think. 

“Shh. Love. It’s okay.” He assures. “It’s easy…” He pulls me into the room. The one I don’t like. With its harsh lights and machines that smell like burning circuits. “I would never do anything to hurt you. You just have to do this for me- okay?” He leads me over to the solid examination table. I resist just the tiniest bit. “I know it hurts.” Johnny says sweetly. “Believe me, I know. But we have to do this.”

“We don’t.” I try to reason. “We can leave. You can use your powers- you can get us out of here.”

Johnny looks a little thrown. “It doesn’t work like that, Daken. You know that. If I did that, I could get ME out of here. Not you. And then I’d be gone… you’d be here all by yourself. You don’t want that do you?”

“No….”

“Then do you know what I want you to do?” He questions urging me onto the table. “Just like last time.. okay? And then they’ll let us go. They told me we could leave if you do it right this time. You will do it right, won’t you? You won’t make us stay here any longer than we have to?”

Of course not. I want to leave. But he’s not happy with me. I keep fucking up. Every time they say I can go…and then Johnny comes in and tells me that they’ve changed their minds.

“Johnny, please.” I try to get his attention, but he’s preoccupied pushing my back to the cold metal. “We have to stop- I don’t understand what’s happening. Please. Tell me what’s going on.” My voice cracks again. Please. Please. Tell me you can sense my distress. 

They say I'm uncooperative- but I'm not. I just don't know what they expect for me to do. No one tells me anything. 

“Shh.” He smiles warmly. “It’s okay. They won’t let me tell you what’s going on… I would if I could. Trust me.” He kisses me but it feels wrong. The voices inside my skull are pounding. Mere whispers, though. They’re worse when I’m alone. “Just do as they say.” He says when we break apart. “I don’t want him to be angry with you again.”

He stays still for a few minutes, looking at me. I don’t like it. It’s cold and different from his usual self. Add that on to the fact that he's using new pet names- and..... Johnny is starting to make me nervous.  I'm thinking he's being brainwashed. 

“So beautiful.” He murmurs, running a hand up my exposed thigh. "Why don't you lose the briefs? The doctor said you should be more comfortable showing skin." He smiles. "How about you show me some of that beautiful body?" 

Normally I’d take the compliment. But he’s making me feel uneasy.

“What are you doing?” I ask as he edges closer. Johnny makes me feel sick when he hits on me. I always wanted to sleep with him.. but it's not what expected. In fact it's... painful. He's rough. He bites my neck harshly. Scrapes his nails down my back until there's blood. He refuses to use lube. He says if I love him, I won't have any trouble with taking him.

Johnny is corrupted the more he stays here.   
  
That's why I plead with Master. 

I ask Johnny to be himself. I do. 

  
I ask him to hold me. Hold me without hurting me. Or without letting them hurt me. 

He says he's not allowed to . 

He pledges his love to me, though...I like it when he tells me he loves me. 

He says it a lot after we sleep together. He calls me amazing. 

It's worth cleaning up blood to hear his praise. 

It's worth not sleeping that night. 

It's worth... the pain. 

“I’m enjoying… looking at you.” He responds. “Don’t you want me to look at you? Don’t you like hearing how beautiful you are?”

He puts his other hand on my jaw, turning my face towards him. “You’d do anything I told you, wouldn’t you? You trust me.”

“Yes.” I answer breathily. "Please.. help me." 

“Good… now how much to do you trust me? You trust me to know how much of this you can take, don’t you? You know I haven’t asked anything completely unreasonable, right?”

His hand keeps running up and down against my skin. It’s making me nervous.

“Johnny, stop.” I try to put heat into my voice, but it comes out weak.

"Stop? Come on babe. I'm just doing what the doctor said." He puts his hand in the hem of my briefs. "Let's just lay down together- hmm?" 

"Johnny-" He can have the clothing. That doesn't bother me so much. I just don't know why he's doing it now. 

He smiles when I'm fully naked. "You're beautiful." He repeats. "My beautiful darling." 

Darling? 

Johnny... doesn't talk like that. 

But this is Johnny. 

"Spread your legs." He whispers. 

I can't. I can't. Not in this room. 

This room scares me so badly that I couldn't enjoy sex if I tried. 

“Come on…” He says with a lilt to his voice. “Give me something here. I take care of you. I protect you and you can’t give me anything in return?”

He leans his body in closer to me and is about to say something when the door opens.

“And how is he?” The doctor asks in her snappish way.

“He’ll behave.” Johnny says in a much colder tone.

“I see I’ve interrupted our little love birds…” She teases. “You’ll have to pick this up later. It’s time for us to begin our day.”  
“Of course.” Johnny drawls. “He’s much easier after you’re done, anyway.”

“All of that being said, you’ve done well.” The woman says to Johnny. “He’s not babbling yet… I think he may have actually slept last night, as well. I’m guessing that was your doing?”

“Romulus’ actually.” Johnny snorts. “Beat the hell out of him. Knocked him out for a good while.” These words are so… wrong. Johnny doesn’t talk like that. “Under Fury’s say so, of course. Think daddy and I are giving him a little too much trouble back in New York. Stupid fuckers don't know when to stop.”

Wait… how can he be back in New York? God damn it. Shifter. How… I don’t understand. He…

“You’re not-“

NO.   
  
I almost had sex with him... I almost... how could I? 

I would have been unfaithful to Johnny.   
  
NO. 

I would never do that. 

I would never...   
  
Oh god. 

Where is Johnny? 

“Oh honey, not even I’m that good.” Johnny says in a way that’s very much unlike himself. “I’m whoever you want me to be. Maybe you and Johnny boy can have a little bit of fun later… once they’re done with you. He can kiss it all better.” Johnny’s smile is never that cruel. Seeing his features like this puts me on edge. How could they take this from me? How could they use something that means so much… and turn it against me? “You think on that baby. My schedules wide open.” He balls the briefs up in his hands. "Here's his clothing." He says offhandedly. 

I start to try and move from the table. He needs to be gutted. He was touching me. Kissing me- I wouldn’t do that with anyone else. The doctor pushes me back harshly. I can’t use my claws. Not with my master lurking somewhere in the compound. He’ll find out. He always finds out.

“I’d strap him in quickly… he doesn’t like it when we trick him…”

“You bastard!” I growl.

“I know.” Johnny says with the most condescending tone he can manage. “But they’re about to shock all of this out of your poor little brain. You won’t remember who I am and who I’m not. You never do.” He smiles. “I like this form. It’s one of my favorites. I’ll be sure to use it when you and Johnny make up tomorrow… I’ll see you in the morning.” This is said in Johnny’s usual tone.  
He turns to leave, but then stalls for a second. “Be a good doggie.” He says with a wink. And then he disappears over the machines. I can’t see the doorway from here. Nothing in the room is illuminated but the table and the surrounding area. It’s like being in a bubble. The lights blind me. They keep them on to keep me thrown off. I’m dangerous. I keep reminding myself that I am. No matter what…. But it doesn’t stick. I’m tired. I want to be left alone.

And then they’re telling me not to move. To not even think about moving. I’m still tired from yesterday… I couldn’t run if I tried. Physically I know I’m recovered. That’s not a problem. Mentally… I’m tired. I’m always tired. Some days I lose completely. Lost in the noise.

“Who is he?” I ask brokenly.

“You know good and well who he is.” The woman says with an accompanying eye roll.

"Why is he doing this to me?" 

The woman sneers at me. "Because you deserve it." 

They place the heavy metal against my skin as they go about strapping me in. I don’t understand why they use the metal. There are softer things… and I’m not going anywhere. The metal cuts into me if I jerk against it too much. And since they’re about to pass lethal amounts of electricity through me… well, I don’t get much of a choice in what my body does.

God. Tricked. And I’ll forget. I forget a lot of things here.

Shifter always does this. Tells me that he’s done it before. Tells me that he’ll do it again tomorrow. He’s so self-assured. And the sad thing is that I can remember that he’s here… I just don’t know who he’s pretending to be. It’s all so real.

The only thing worth remembering here is the pain. You forgot who’s who. I’ve given up trying to tell. Instead, I remember who did what. The doctors. Romulus. Logan. But I can’t remember when they did it or why.

I deserve this. 

I... 

I do. 

I'm not a good person. 

I haven't done good things. 

I deserve to be hurt. 

They've beat this into my skull as often as possible. It makes fighting them hard. If you know you deserve your punishment- how can you possibly contest it?   
  
 The doctors never talk to me when they’re setting up. They pretend like I’m not there. Like I’m just one of the many objects they have to deal with. This time... this time will be different. I'll remember. I've GOT to remember. I won't let this man prey off of me. I'm better than that. I'm stronger. I was trained to endure. This is nothing. This is nothing. Nothing at all. I have to keep telling myself this. I know what they're about to do. I know it's going to hurt. And I also know that if I don't keep myself guarded and manage to hold onto the information I know- it will happen again. I will not willingly be led to my own torture. Not again.

But then.. my head.   
My head hasn't been the same. 

I'm so torn. I know I deserve this.. but can't they give it to me in a different form? 

Prison? 

They told me they torture mutants in prison. I don't know how that would be any different than what they're doing here....

They push me to the limits of... everything. The threshold of pain. The threshold of sanity. 

I talk in spurts.. but most of the time I'm quiet. Master keeps beating me for being quiet. I have to make some noise. 

Crying is not acceptable. Everyone tells me that. 

I've never felt so utterly wrecked before though.   
  
The nerves and anxiety are wrecking my stomach more than anything they do to it.

I spend most nights/early mornings in my small 'room' with my head in the bucket that serves as the toilet.  
  
That's not much of an inconvenience. I'm not allowed to eat or drink... so it's not like I'm using the bathroom too terrbily often.  

I don’t know how long they’ve been doing this, but somehow I know the exact protocols for the procedure. I don’t remember- but I do. I know what they’re about to do. I know they’ve done it before… and again- I know it’s going to hurt. Electrodes are attached to my head, and there’s a five minute waiting period as the machine boots up. Then there’s the pain. Unbelievable amounts of pain. I writhe with it, but the restraints don’t allow me to move. So the metal ends up viciously digging into my body. Remember. Focus... Please. Think of anything. Anything else. Shifter... I have to remember this.

 I bite through my tongue only to have it heal seconds later so I can bite through it again. My mouth fills with blood and I'm drowning again. Like when Logan was here. Constantly drowning. I have to focus enough energy to at least turn my head. I can't lay here and choke on blood. It won't stop them. My whole body goes rigid as another round of shocks are applied. Stronger this time. "Focus. Shifter. Turn your head. Don't drown. Don't choke. And remember." That's all that's running through my mind.

The jolts run like fire through my body. And they… they keep upping it. That damn knob, constantly being turned higher and higher. I see the woman's hand on the knob through my convulsions. I plead with her as much as I can with not being able to speak. I try to send out pheromones, but it makes it worse. She curls her lips. The woman increases the voltage. "I don't care how you're feeling." She hisses before slapping me across the face. "Use your powers again and you will be punished."

Screams come out of my mouth mixed with words when I can manage them. I’d give anything to make it stop.

Pain. Unbelievable amounts of pain.

I’d give anything to make it stop…

Wait. I’m thinking the same thoughts over again. That's not what I'm supposed to be doing. Uh... what was my list? What was I just thinking? Something about drowning. Right. I'm drowning. I need to... turn my head. Get to where some of this blood as an exit. I can't keep swallowing it.

There was something else. Something very important. Something...Johnny! Alright. Now we're getting somewhere. What about him? He's not here at the moment. They're keeping him elsewhere. Where the hell is he? He was here, wasn’t he? If they're doing this to me... what are they doing to him?

Before the next wave of shocks, I manage to lean my head slightly to the side, allowing the blood that's pooled there to drain out messily to the table. They claim this is normal. It's a standard procedure. If that was true- wouldn't some kind of bit be involved? This can't be normal. Nothing they've done to me... but then I can't remember what's been done to me. I have to... focus. Right. Not drowning. Something about Johnny. And... I can't remember. I know my list was longer than that. I know there are things that I'm actively leaving off. But I can't recall them. All I know is soon it will be over. My heart aches as my chest tightens. My brain is practically liquifying...Logically if they keep going, my heart will malfunction.. I'll die. They're going to do this until it kills me. But...they will have to stop when that happens. You can't punish a dead man. They'll have to wait for me to revive. I'll get a small grace period before they start back up. Maybe I can...

There’s blackness. A brief moment of relief where nothing hurts. And then-

I come back gasping. It hurts when all the pain hits you at once. When you can feel every single one of your fried nerves crying out in unison.

Recovering hurts worse the shocks. I can feel parts of my brain coming back to life and my organs fixing themselves. And I know I was upset about something before they started. But it’s fuzzy. Distant. There was something I was supposed to be remembering.

“Hmm… still no response.” The woman says in a disappointed tone. I don’t know what she’s looking for. I’ve given them everything I can.

“Subject remains uncooperative.” She says into the camera. That camera. I hate it. They have it set up in front of the table, a few feet away from the foot of it. Out of all the things they've made me forget... that's not what one them. Always there. Always watching. The footage being fed to... Master? Or Fury? Who is ordering this?

“Not...” I groan. "Uncooperative." Speaking is becoming easier. I can taste blood in my mouth. I must have hurt myself again...“Tell me what you want and I’ll give it to you. Please. Just tell me-“ I close my eyes, trying to think of that something I’ve forgotten. It’s important that I cooperate. I need to do as they say. I don’t know why, but I know it’s important. Johnny said it was. Sometime ago. When was that? He’ll know. He’s here somewhere.. “Johnny… where is he? He'll tell me what you want.”

“Subject refuses to let go of delusions.” She states coldly.

“ Please-" I beg. Crying is not acceptable... but begging is a form of entertainment for them. " Anything. I’ll give you anything you want. Just tell me what you want.” When that doesn’t get a response right away, I finish with, “Tell me where he is and I promise to work with you.”

“We want for you to be sane…. But you refuse to cooperate. You’re off talking about one of your hallucinations again. Be sane. That’s all we’re asking. As for Johnny… well, we’ve already told you that. Be sane, and he will return. Behave. Cooperate. Stop being this disobedient little brat that you are.”

“I don't know how!” I have a little bit of fight left to struggle against the chains. Metal. I don't know why they use metal. There are softer things... 

“And outbursts like that, are why we do this. Until you learn how to behave normally in society, we will continue for as long as it takes.”

"I don't know what you want." Tears slip down my face. My mouth tastes like pennies. 

“Subject is getting hysterical now. He’s past the point of reasoning.” She turns to the other doctors. “Set the machine up again. Keep it at the current voltage , though. I’m done pandering to his childish demands.”

Demands? I didn’t make any demands. “What demands?” I feel more tears running down my face now. I can see them rebooting the computers. They’re not even trying to hide it. Next to the switch is a bin filled with two long, sharp, pins that they plan on using next. I hate that they leave them out in plain sight. It makes the panic worse. “I haven’t made any demands! Please, bring Fury in here.”

“We won’t play your silly little game.” The woman says coldly.

"I haven't done anything." Is all I can think to say. "I haven't done anything!" 

"It doesn't matter." She replies, fiddling with a machine near my head. "Stop crying." 

"If I could please talk to Fury," 

"Stop crying." She repeats coldly. 

"Please-"   
  
"Enough." She snaps. "Be quiet or I will sew your mouth shut." 

“Please let me talk to Fury." I beg, still through tears.

“He’s. Not. Here.” Ice drips from every word.

They go about setting the machine back up, when something catches their attention. I can’t really hear much over my labored breathing and soft sobs… but even I hear the door being obliterated. The door is wooden, it’s old, like most everything in this compound.  Everything in this compound smells like polished wood and dust. The mutants running this... the mutants I started all of this to protect... they didn't know he was dead. They kept working for months until someone was brave enough to... Wait. He's dead. He's gone. He's not here- Then that means. I feel the familiar push my claws breaking through my knuckles, but my hands are firmly trapped in the bed. They have no where to go. No wiggle room to speak of.

“Holy shit!” One of the men in the room backs away from the table and out of sight. “Shifter!” He admonishes. “Quit fucking around, man. You scared the hell out of me.”

At this point, I only know that it’s Shifter when he’s addressed as such. Or when he changes forms in front of me. But that doesn’t happen too terribly often. To be honest, I think I’ve only seen his real face once, for about half a second.

Shifter doesn’t respond. A second scent enters the room. A lot like Shifter's… only different. I’ve smelled them before. They’re so familiar. But I’m so confused that I can’t place it. I get small whiffs of them, but it’s overridden by the smell of the heated circuits in the machines. "Oh no you don't." The woman hisses at me before landing a direct hit on my jaw. "You've been ordered to keep those to yourself. And the price of disobedience is a high one." She retrieves the long narrow Lobotomy pin from the side bin. Not saying much before it's jammed through my eye socket and into my brain. Then... I can't think. I know I'm making noises, but I can't register them. My throat feels raw. "Shifter- you're early. And your presence is making him behave rashly." The woman huffs before doing something to pin that makes it just that much more painful. This pain... there is no to rationalize it. No words to explain it. "You keep your little playthings to yourself." She says coldly. "Or the next time we'll make sure to do both procedures at the same time. I'm curious as to your survival in the outcome of said..."

“Dr. Lewis…. You need to stop.” The man says, voice shifting a little as fear creeps up into it. “I don't think that's Shifter.” I can’t see the other doctor's face and I can’t see what Shifter or the- person who he thought was Shifter-is up too. I try to quiet myself to better hear. 

"I swear to god if you don't stop crying, I will personally gauge your eyes out." She threatens. 

"Dr. Lewis!" Her accomplice yelps. "Please- stop. That's not Shifter." 

“What? Don’t be ridiculous. Shifter, stop this. Your services are not required yet… I've just told you that we’re not-“ Her attention turns in the direction of the door. And her face, I can see. It’s terrified. “Done.” She finishes, face pale.

“Don’t let me stop you.” Another familiar voice. But it's not Shifter they say. It's Logan. The real Logan. He’s back again. I don’t want him to be-not after the other day… but they seem scared of him now. He’s not working with them anymore. Maybe he’s gone into a rage and decided to come and finish me off. “Go on. What were you about to do?” his voice sounds angry, but not exactly rage filled. “I'd love to hear how you plan on TORTURING my son next.”

"Uh-" 

"Of course gauging his eyes out seems a little harsh for what was it- crying? Maybe you should start smaller." 

Oh god. He's going to tell her how to hurt me. Of course he is. Why wouldn't he?  
  
My breath hitches a little louder than I would have liked. 

“You… how are you even here?” The woman says, looking anxiously around the room. She takes a step back. There are doors on the other side of the room, opposite of Logan. She and her partner are trying to find a way to them.

“Me? Oh I just put a few clues together. Thought ‘where would a bastard like Fury keep him?’ And it came to me. In a place that would cripple him. Keep him compliant... And even then it wasn't enough to beat him. You had to take a step further- didn't you? Shocks... lobotomies... probably some other nasty shit that hasn't been legal in either country you've been based out of in YEARS." His voice is getting closer. "And all to prove a point... well I think that deserves a response. Fury's obviously gone out of his way to send a message. I was thinking a few brutally murdered staff members would start to put a small dent in Fury's atonement to me."

“We’re under orders.” The doctor over me says in a panicked tone. “Just orders. Nothing personal… it’s just our job.” She backs away from me like she’s the one who’s been shocked. “We can talk about this reasonably. No one needs to die.”

Logan.... is here. 

Oh god.   
  
Is he going to hurt me?   
He's going to hurt me.   
Is there water in the room? 

Please let all the tubs be drained. 

There's.. .there's a hose. It's hidden. They had a hard time finding it. They'd need to turn the lights on. If the lights are on I could probably beg him to let me go. If he could see that they've already hurt me today- then he would see that there's no need for his assistance. 

“No one needs to die..." He repeats. "Even though you were just threatening his life not two minutes ago... and he's already died once today. You're not making any sense, doc." He growls. "But since you want to be 'reasonable' about this... maybe you can explain why you're shocking him with more voltage than they used to use in the electric chair!" His voice rises. It's frightening. 

Truly terrifying.   
Logan... here. 

That means I'm not safe.   
  
But.. what if it means the opposite? What if he's here to help? 

But.. why would anyone want to help me? 

No one... no one cares.   
They tell me I deserve this. 

If I go with him, will it just be more of this?   
Will it be worse ?

Will my captors be him and his fellow x-men? 

What if... what if they cage me for their amusement? 

Experiment on me? 

Hurt me? 

Everyone... everyone hurts me. 

Everything hurts me. 

Why would anyone want to help me?

“This is electrical cognitive therapy. It’s not a common practice.. but he’s a special case. Fury gave us the green light. We were just under orders. Several patients around the US undergo similar treatments. It’s a perfectly valid method of treatment. Given because of his mutant abilities it had to be tweaked some-”

“If it was the treatment you were describing, then he would be sedated.” That’s definitely X-23. I’ve lost it. I’ve completely lost it. They’ve fried what little sanity I had left out of my head. That explains the familiar scents though.

“And he doesn’t seem to be sedated… we could hear him all the way down the hall. So now you’re going to explain to me, reasonably of course, why I should leave your head attached to the rest of your shit filled body.”

“Well…” The woman swallows hard. “You need us!” She squeaks when he comes closer. “You’re a hero. You’ll take us into custody. We’ll testify against Fury!” She yells the last part as he moves closer.

“Oh, darlin’ this isn’t making it to court.” Logan chuckles darkly. “This thing Fury started is passed that now.” His voice is getting closer. I’ve got mere seconds to decide if what’s happened was him or Shifter. If I can trust him. If he’s here to help me or just to hurt me again.

“Young lady, surely you can persuade Wolverine not to murder people in cold blood.” The woman tries to reason.

There’s a dark chuckle. “No. I cannot. And if I could, I would not.”

The scene that ensues.. I can’t see. Just the lights. The doctors ran away, one jamming the other lobotomy pin into one of the machines I'm still hooked up to, making it reactivate. Then there’s pain again. So much… My eye. My brain. Everything. This is death. This is how it's going to stick.

“It’s okay.” A rough growl comes from overhead, as there’s a sharp pain in my eye. Followed by a really wet, disgusting sound. It barely registers over everything. Then there's another pang of pain on my forehead. But these are small things. These... the shocks stop suddenly. I can breathe again. I'm starting to be able to see again as well. When my sight returns... it's the only time I'm ever not bothered by the lights. I know they've done this more times than I can count. And every time I wait for the light... hoping it will come back. If they want to be particularly cruel they turn it off altogether. Leaving me wondering in the dark if I've gone blind.

“I got you.” Back to the room. Away from the light. More blood is in my mouth. It takes a lot of energy to spit.

White blurs. Dark shapes sometimes make their way in there… but mostly it’s the blurs.

"I got you." He repeats. "You're okay." 

I shake my head. "I don't want-" I have to spit blood. "I don't want any trouble." I try. 

"No trouble." Logan promises. 

"Johnny- he can tell you anything you need." I start trying to head this off. "He's here.. he'll tell me what you want. I can give you what you want."

"I don't want anything." He says quieter than before.

"I can give you-"  
  
"I don't want anything.

"Johnny-"    
  
"Johnny isn't here." Logan says. 

"Johnny-"   
  
"Isn't here." He repeats. "We'll explain more once we're on the jet. 

The jet?   
No, no, no. Not the jet. Please- they.... that box. They transported me in a box. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. It stunk. It was a long ride. I remember having to piss the entire time but being too scared to say anything about it.   
It was tortuous. 

"No- please." I beg. "No jet." 

"We're taking you home." Logan says gently. "We need to use the jet."  

I can't stop a whimper that escapes my throat.  

"Daken," Logan says softly. "Son, are you afraid of flying?"  

"I'm afraid..." I whisper. "Of you."  

Logan shakes his head. "Why, Daken?"  

I shake my head. "Don't hurt me." I beg. "Please- don't hurt me."

He touches the thick metal that restrains me to the table. "I know you're hurting." He says. "I know you are. But... we're here to help. I'm here to help. You're going to need to do what I say." When I don't answer he asks, "Why are you naked?" 

I shake my head.   
  
"Where are your clothes?" 

I shake my head again. I feel so exposed. "Please- I just- Please." I can't get out what I'm trying to say. It's getting gummed up in my head.  

“X- come here! Forget them, we’ll get ‘em later.” Logan orders when I don't answer. “Here, help me find a blanket or something.. anything not covered in blood okay? We need to cover him up before the other’s come in here.”

“I don’t see why that would make a difference.” Laura says, sounding like she'd rather be chasing the doctors. 

“It would make me feel better if he weren’t naked.” Logan growls, voice filled with heat. “So we’re going to find something to cover him up. Got it?”

A noise of affirmation follows this. It's over. For today, that is. They'll be back. They always come back. Always with some new torment.

Just days ago that was my father. Torturing me. Hurting me. His hands were cruel. They showed no mercy.

And Johnny, he left me again. He said we could leave… and then left me with them. Things are not adding up. I don't remember when any of these things happened. I don't know IF they even happened.

“I… can’t find anything Logan.” Laura says after a few moments of searching. 

“God damn it.” The man growls, there’s noise of him stomping further into the room. With a snarl he slashes one the machines open, exposing all those heated wires.

  
He pulls away and storms across the room. He's near the hose. Oh, fuck. I can't move. He's... I can't move.

He trips over the large rubber hose before kicking it away with irritated, jerky, movements. He growls a, "Why is it so dark in here?" 

Laura stands near the table. "To add to his torment." She says simply.   
  
I try not to look at her, but I can feel her gaze. I'm glad that she says nothing. 

Logan fumbles around on the side of the room before finding a set of doors. One is unlocked, and he finds nothing. A second later he slashes through the other door that happens to be a supply closet. “That’ll work.” He comes back across the room and stands just in my line of vision. “God.” He sounds choked up. “Here, let's get you loose” He starts to mess with the cuffs, but they’re not moving. “Damn it!” He bellows, unsheathing his claws again and cutting through the metal like it was nothing. Once I’m free, I try to move away from him. “Daken, I know you’re confused. I’ve seen what they’ve done to you- you deserve to be confused about it. But I’m going to have to ask you to trust me.” His claws disappear quickly as he offers me a hand. "Don't be scared, son." 

I get off the table quickly, putting it between the two of us. My legs ache and I don't know how long I'll be able to stay upright... but I have to get away. Every time Logan moves closer I back up away from him. This continues until there’s nowhere else to go. X is blocking the door. Logan blocks the exit the doctors had taken.

“Daken, come here.” He growls in frustration. “ I’ve got to check you over.”

“Stay away.” My voice is somewhat raspy. "Please." 

“Daken-“ Laura reaches out for me, but I flinch away from her hand. “Logan… I think maybe he’s too frightened of us. We should call someone else in. Someone that they wouldn’t have used against him.”

“No.” Logan says, crossing the room until he’s standing in front of me. “You know there was a shape shifter. You know that there is no possible way for me to have done anything to hurt you.” Footsteps outside. Someone’s coming. If I could just-

"I want to go to my room." I say brokenly. "Please. Take me to my room." 

"You're not going back to your room." Logan says.  

I have to think. "I have a sheet in my room." I try.  

"Do you need your sheet?"  He drapes the medical sheet he's found over me. "Will this one work?"

"My shoes are in my room." I try again.

"We'll get you new shoes."  

I can't look at him. 

“Daken, look at me.” He demands after a few minutes.

I don’t. I don’t have enough strength to fight him off of me. I won’t let this be a repeat of last time… god. My brain hurts. My throat is tight. All I want to do is lie here. Let the noise take over. I sink down the wall until I’m seated on the floor, still avoiding eye-contact.

"I need to go to my room." 

“Look at me!”He says in exasperation. 

I don’t know what else to do. I feel like I can’t breathe. I can’t move.

"My room." I whisper. "Please." 

“Logan…” X confronts the man. “He’s very frightened and you are making it worse.”

“Worse? I’m trying to help him!”

“He’s not seeing it that way.”

Logan growls before inhaling deeply. “Daken- son- you are going to have to trust me. I'm not angry with you. I'm not going to hurt you- I just want you to come with me.“

The door opposite of the one we’re blocking opens up. “Doc I think it’s time you wrap things up… security thinks we have a breach.” He hasn’t looked up yet… but it’s Johnny again. NO.. that’s not right.

“Oh shit.” He starts to back out the door again.

“Get him.” Logan growls to Laura. “Bring him here. We’re going to settle this.”

The girl doesn’t verbally acknowledge this, but she does manage to grab Johnny, dragging him kicking and screaming back over to us. Logan takes his mask off, looking at the man with no sort of barrier to shield is face...

“Tell him what you’ve done.” He orders.

“Nothing.” Johnny states fearfully. “Daken, you know I wouldn’t hurt you. You’re not going to let him hurt me, are you?”

But… it’s Johnny. And it’s not. But it could be. It smells like him. It sounds like him.

“Come on, baby. You know it’s me. You know I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you.”

“He’s lying kid. You can smell it on him. That ain't Johnny.”

“I-“

“Daken, please.” Blue eyes are fearful. “You know how much of monster he is. You know what he did to you!”

“What I did? Tell him what you've done you miserable bastard!” Logan growls, shaking him. "Show him your true form! Tell him how you've been playing him!" . Johnny's eyes are wide. "Fine." Logan says darkly, impaling the man without another thought. Johnny slumps backwards to the floor, blood streaming from his chest. Logan went straight through his heart. Probably nicked his lungs while he was at it. Johnny's dead.

That would be when everything goes white. I can’t… noises and lights, people touching me. The sound of screaming that may or may not have been coming from me. None of it makes any sense. There's never any quiet. People are applying things to my skin. Forcing me into clothing, making me lay really still for a very long time... this isn't as bad as the scents. I've given up trying to see. My eyes are shut tight. The noise is hard to hear over the internal noise, so that's manageable as well. But the scents... I must have come into contact with at least thirty different people in the last few hours. Close contact at that.

They force things into my mouth- down my throat. They wash me up- regardless of how much I ask them to stop. All I can do is fight against them. I can't even bring myself to speak. I feel like a wild animal. Cornered. Trapt. Hands- so many hands. I lash out in vain, trying to free myself. 

Things go black for a while and then there’s a room that perfectly contrasts it. White… sterile. The floor is cold. The bed is warm. Nothing smells old. Nothing holds the smell of coppery like blood. It’s just clean. It feels too open. More people try talking to me, but it doesn’t matter. I can't answer in any language they would understand. Words are beyond me. This sense of utter grief has overridden everything else. Things need to be taken into account. I've got to get my bearings. The bed’s too soft. Too high off the ground. I really don’t want to be here. They won't leave me alone. Some of them even sound happy. To get away from them I finally content myself with lying in the corner of the room. It’s a safe place there. Low to the ground, cooler, darker, and less exposed. I try to plan… but a single voice won’t let me. He says he’s Shifter. He says that him dying just made him more prominent. And then starts to whisper awful things to me. Things even the real shifter wouldn’t have said. The others I’ve been hearing eventually join him, and soon I’m drowning in all of them. Overlapping, arguing, and out doing each other. Each one vies for my attention.

“He’s in the corner.” A soft, sweet voice says. I can’t tell if that’s in my head or not. "They can't get near him... some for the sake of his mentality and others for the sake of their own safety. Though he's yet to use his claws." the voice sighs. "Go easy on him- okay? He's... confused and he's scared. We really need to prove to him that we're on his side."

I guess it was on the outside, because it’s followed by the scent of aftershave and some kind of liquid metal wafting down over me. “You could stay on the bed.” Richards. Reed… whatever he likes to be called. “We’d actually prefer it if you would. It's much nicer up there... warmer.” He coughs a little at my lack of response. "I know you don't like physical contact... that you've kind of had a few little 'freak outs' since they unloaded you. So we're going to try to work with that. All you need to know is that you are completely safe here. The people involved in your capture have been dealt with."

I don’t say anything.

He hums a little to himself. “We wanted to give you a better room. Something with a little less… security. But given the state we brought you in under, I think you’ll have to stay here for a while.”  
He pauses, waiting for a response. When that doesn’t come he continues with, “We have some of the finest doctors we could find on staff. They’re more than willing to work with you. The building is completely secure, so there are no worries there. We can keep you here as long as need be… we’ll take care of everything. You won’t have to stress… in fact, we’re kind of keeping you as stressor-free as possible. As such, we won’t really be able to tell you much about what’s going on outside of these walls. I think it’s best we get this out of the way now, so you can know exactly where we stand….” He looks at me sadly. “You’re not taking of this in… are you?” Of course I can’t answer. I don’t know if he’s a friend or not. “No, I don’t suppose you would. Sit tight. We’ll see about getting you something to eat- alright?” He turns around. "Sue, why don't you try and get some of the staff in here and see if we can get some fluids in him.... I think it's going to take a bit of man handling to get him to work with us." He looks back at me. "That being said, I give you my word that you will not be harmed. We really just need for you to cooperate. We won't do anything you don't make us."

I feel like something arduous is beginning. But here is better than there. And there was better than the place before… in some aspects. Of course I’d rather be back in my house. Curled up in the dark with Johnny beside me.

I’ve tried not to think about him. He may be dead. Logan may have killed him. He isn’t here. So he had to have been there. And Logan…

No. Don’t think about it. Don't think about anything. Distance. Ignore it. I have to stay in my head. I can't let it get away from me again. Moments of clarity come so infrequently right now... I need to put them to use. To figure out what's going on. Okay... Reed and Sue Richards are here... the room seems to be a hospital-like setting, but with superhuman abilities kept in mind. Everything is stronger than it looks. The glass, the mesh of metal on the window... if I were to check the door, I know it would be reinforced with something. So I'm probably in the Baxter Building. So close to my home. But so far away. I could drive there in minutes. The likelihood of my being able to leave this room is very slim, though.

I close my eyes against all of this confusing information and find myself drifting off. It’s not a peaceful rest. It’s never a peaceful rest anymore.


	6. Too Weak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mkay. So this is gonna be a little taxing to read if you've read the other story. There are a lot of shared flashbacks between Johnny and Daken. But where Johnny told them leading up to the present, Daken's going to tell them in a backwards order. What I'm trying to say is that this is a rehashing of something that happened in "Everlong". I think it was chapter 16 or something around there. 
> 
> Oh! And also, I'm starting to put up some sketches and doodles that came from this story before it was written. I have to get them all together and make them presentable... but they're going to be on my Tumblr blog if you want to see. I'm debating on whether or not to insert a comic panel that I have to touch up... but that's art. and really has nothing to do with this chapter... so i'm just gonna stop typing now. 
> 
> Enjoy!

5th month

Johnny’s gone. Again. Shopping… something about shopping. We need food. There’s absolutely nothing in the house. I need clothes too… nothing fits anymore. Everything is loose. I don’t even bother trying to fit into my old clothes. I haven’t worn them in months. I can’t. They’re too rich. Too good. I can’t bring myself to put them on. The not eating thing is just helping that along.

It’s HIS fault. He won’t let me eat. Johnny makes me… but then he makes me sick. Always making me sick.

He’s so angry. And I’m so weak. I can’t keep my thoughts straight.

Things got weird today. I lost it. I did something… something I shouldn’t have. I know that now. But in the moment there wasn’t a choice. HE told me to do something, and I did it.

I had to change clothes because of it. I would have stayed nude, but I wanted to go onto the balcony. I need to feel the air. I need to breathe.

It’s all over me but I can’t wash it off. I can smell it’s thick, cloying , scent. People are going to think someone died. I need to be more careful. The noise… I was certain that someone would have come because of the noise… but they didn’t. Just me. I could have called Johnny. I thought about calling him. But then I didn’t want to touch my phone. It’s foreign to me. I don’t like it. It makes noise when I don’t want it to. Occasionally it plays things I like… like that song. The one Johnny hates. He has a favorite one too. By the same band… though he hates to admit it. He’s tried to get me to listen to another song. Any other song. But I like that one. It makes me think of Johnny. I don’t tell him that. Because then I’d sound like a girl.

That’s his job.

The balcony is my favorite place to be. When I’m not on it, I want the doors to it open. I like seeing it, I like feeling the air from it… the smells that the breeze brings. Freshly mowed grass, scents of other apartments meals…. All of it brought in through the doors of the balcony. Thinking back, it’s actually why I chose this apartment.

I crouch on top of the railing, perched precariously. It doesn’t matter if I fall. I’ll heal. If anything today’s events has proved as much.

I could fly. If I tried. Sail through the air. Down and down… it would feel good until the pain hit. Pain… it isn’t a deterrent for me. But then again… Johnny’s already going to be upset with me. I don’t need to add ‘jumped off the balcony’ to the list. Don’t want the balcony to wind up being another room I’m not allowed to go to on my own.

A car pulls up in front of the apartment building. My car to be more specific. Johnny drives it sometimes now. Someone needs to. I can remember a time where I would have minded…. Not now, though.

He gets out of the car, blond hair catching sunlight in a most distracting manner. He’s beautiful. He’s the best kind of beautiful- the kind where he doesn’t know it. He’s mine. I have to protect him. To keep him safe. He walks up the path to the apartments, balancing the bags in one hand and trying to get the door open with the other.

Things are fuzzy right now. I’m… not really here. My foot starts to slip off the railing. An odd feeling of almost falling. Almost flying. It feels slightly more terrifying than I thought it would. I must have made some kind of noise because he looks up at me. He looks up at me with an odd mix of anger and fear in his eyes. Wonderful. There will be no way to break today to him gently.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

What am I doing? Why am I up here? Simple. I wanted to fly. I wanted to escape. I wanted to breathe- anything and everything. That’s what I’m doing up here.

“Daken!”

“Hey,” I answer lamely.

He runs through the normal questions. “What are you doing?” Being his favorite. I’m not really sure what I’m doing. I tell him as much. He orders me to come down, yelling when I start to edge off of the balcony. I know I can heal. I tell him that too… but he doesn’t seem impressed.

I’m off the railing now, back in the room, crouched by the balcony doors.

He’s being loud. He’s ordering me to kill Johnny. Johnny isn’t safe here. He’s never safe here. Master is cruel with his demands. I sink to my knees by the open balcony doors. He has to shut up. I can’t tell him that, but he has too. Someone needs to tell him.

“Stop.” I finally manage to say. “you have to stop. He’s coming. You need to stop.”

‘stop? who are you to tell me to stop? have you forgotten your place so eagerly? kill that inferior weakling! squash whatever this notion of ‘love’ is and dispose of him!’

“I can’t.” This comes out stronger than I thought it would. “I love him. I would never hurt him.”

‘then allow me.’

“You can’t.” this is breathless. I’m scared for Johnny. I want him safe. The only way he’ll ever be safe is if he’s as far away from me as possible.

Footsteps are coming slowly up the stairs, almost… .almost. He’s not safe. Not with Master so close.

‘so close… i’ll end this. i’ll take care of it just like i always did. just like i told you i always would.’

“You can’t.” I repeat.

The door makes the tiniest of noises as Johnny nudges it open. “Fuck it’s cold in here.” His voice is soft. He’s assessing things. He heard me talking with master. He has to see if I’m safe. He doesn’t take into account that he’s the one in danger. Always worried…

“I bet you gave the neighbors quite a show.” He continues. Still feeling me out. Trying to assess… gather data. He should run. He should leave. Or at least go hide in his room… wait. He can’t. If he goes to his room then he’ll see what I’ve done. I’m ashamed of it. I don’t want to show him. Not yet.

He waits a few minutes. “What’s all over your chest? And in your hair… Daken what the hell is this?”

It’s what he told me to do. I had to do it. I HAD to. There was no choice.

“You have to go.” I say with as much heat as I can. It comes out harsh. I regret it instantly.

He shushes me like he usually does. Explaining that he knows that master wants him dead. Insisting that I’m the one in control. He doesn’t know. He can’t see what I’ve done today. I’m not in control. I have no control. I’m a slave. I have to obey or he’ll hurt me.

I shake his comments off violently.

He sighs tiredly. “I’ve got the groceries downstairs. Come down with me to the kitchen.”

“I’m not hungry.” I say automatically.

Johnny continues to look me over, looking as if he’s having an internal debate about how to answer. It’s his ‘considering’ face. Considering what to ask. Feeling out what’s safe to ask. Trying to decide whether or not he can push his luck. “I didn’t ask if you were hungry.” He pauses. Another second of consideration is dragged on before he asks, “What’s the blood from?”

My mess. My mess that I haven’t cleaned up yet. I should have… but everything was spinning. It hurt so bad… and I was embarrassed. To have lost control like that… I’m lucky no one called the cops.

“Leave.” I beg weakly.  
His face is stern as he looks down at me. “No.”

God. He’s going to kill him. He’s going to make me do it. Johnny isn’t safe. He really isn’t. “You don’t understand. No one… no one understands…”

His expression softens. “I understand that this is very real to you.” He pauses. “I also understand that you appear to be coated in blood… a lot of blood. And you’ve yet to answer my question.”

“You don’t understand what he’s capable of. What I’m-“

“You’re not going to hurt me. We both know that. If I didn’t feel safe , I wouldn’t be here.”

I let my shoulders slump forward. He doesn’t understand. I can’t make him understand. The only way he’s safe from Master is if he’s away from me… which means that possibly I could force him with my pheromones… “I could make you go.” I warn.

“But you won’t.” He walks behind me and puts a comforting hand on my shoulder. “Come downstairs. We’ll find a way to drown this out- just like all the other times.”

I don’t respond. My head is low, ducked away from him.

“see? the man’s an idiot. he doesn’t deserve to live. kill him. end this before he leaves you and you end up hurting. it’s for your own good.’

“Sue’s coming over later. She said she wanted to help out with some of the housework. I thought I’d cook her something for her effort… why don’t you come sit with me?” Johnny tries.

“He’s going to kill you. He’s going to make me do it.” I state bluntly.

He sighs. “What have you done today?” he knows. How can he know? “Where did the blood come from? Where’s the rest of it?”

“I did nothing.”

“Bullshit you did ‘nothing’. What’s happened?”

What did I do? What did I do? I don’t… there was so much going on. What did I do? Where did the blood come from? I know it’s mine. I just… can’t really piece together how it got there. I remember how I did it, but not the exact procedures.  
Johnny’s room is destroyed. He’ll have to stay with me. He won’t have anywhere to go . He can’t leave me. He can’t…

“Is there more blood?” He asks softly.

“Yes.”

Lots of blood. Dripping with blood. Messy… hot, wet, sticky, curling through the air… splattered on the walls and windows. Master told me to. I had to. God, it was so loud. That noise… that noise.

Another pause. “Is it yours?”

“Yes.” I can’t look at him. Blood. That’s all I see. It’s mine. I know it’s mine. Little pieces of me spread everywhere. Separated from the rest of me. I was… I wanted to be split in half. Yes. That’s what I wanted. To split myself in half and take my brain out. It has to be removed. I can’t live with it. I can’t live with all of this. I’m not functioning. I’m not my sturdy, steady, unwavering self. I’m filled with confusion and terror. And it gets worse. Every procedure- every single pain filled minute- just adds to this.

“Which room?”

Now he’s getting to the real questions. The show and tell part. He’ll scream. They all scream. But I wanted you to stay close! Don’t you understand? I tried to do this to keep you safe! I wanted you safe and sound… and if I take my brain out, then he can’t talk to me. You’re as safe as your ever going to be. “Yours.”

He takes his hand off my shoulder and leaves. My skin suddenly takes the time to register my outfit choice… no shirt. Loose shorts. I’m cold. Johnny leaving makes me cold.

I can tell when he opens the room. It’s in the way of the door. I left it right there. It makes the door hard to open. It makes it open with a small ‘thud’ as it’s knocked back against the wall. The smell of blood is stronger now. Not as strong as the scent clinging to me, but still there.  
There’s a sharp intake of breath when he pieces together what he’s seeing. “Where did you get it?” His voice is soft. Where’d I get it? Where did I get it?

I can’t tell him. I’m not supposed to leave the house. Not on my own. But I did. I did and I came back. He doesn’t need to know.

“Daken, I know you can hear me.”

I’m starting to become confused again. He’s going to be angry. He doesn’t understand. I find myself on my feet and walking towards him before I can stop myself. “It’s the neighbors.” I answer. Look what I’ve done. For you. For us. I’m making you safe. I’m making you happy. Look… look.. look what I can do. See? I’m never going to die. I can’t die. Look… oh god. Just look.

“You took it out of their shed?” he asks evenly.

“Yes.”

The chainsaw was green when I got it. It’s red now. “What did you try to do?”

I don’t answer for a while. Finally resigning myself to resting my forehead against his shoulder. Look… feel. I’m here. You can stay with me. I’m keeping you safe. I’m keeping you happy.

“You can’t do this Daken.” He reaches back and touches some of my hair, the parts that aren’t slicked with blood. He strokes it gently. “I told you to stay in the house.”

“I had to.”

His scent shifts. Almost angry, but not quite. “You had to steal the neighbor's chainsaw and …” He glances around the room for a while. “I don’t even know what you did in here. It’s going to take hours to clean up all this blood!”

“I was trying to help.” Look… just look. I can do this. I can keep you safe. Look! I’m so powerful. I’m so in control.

“We’ve been over this- you’re dying will not be helpful. Especially not by your own hand. And definitely not by means of chainsaw.” He smirks a little, but it’s sad.

A scent wafts up from down stairs. Someone’s at the door. Someone…

“Johnny?” Sue. The sister. No…. she can’t. She’ll take him away. This was for him. This was about protecting him. She won’t see it like that. She’ll see me as dangerous.

“Up here.” He answers in a distracted manner.

“Hey,” Sue walks towards Johnny. Each step bringing her closer to our little secret. To my little secret. This wasn’t for her eyes. This wasn’t really for his eyes. Or was it? I don’t know. I just don’t know. I lean more heavily against Johnny. “Your doors off its hinges…again. What are you..” She stops when she sees the room. “Oh god. Please tell me that’s not a person in there.”

She smells scared.

Johnny fields the accusation quickly. “It’s all Daken’s. He… borrowed the neighbor's chainsaw. Used it in my room for some reason.” He glances over me and to her. “I was about to call you. I don’t think today is the best day for company.”

Sue shakes her head stubbornly. “Given the light of the situation I believe that now is absolutely the best time for company. Look at this mess… not to mention how Daken’s acting… or not acting I should say.” She looks me. I don’t know how to interact with her anymore. So usually I don’t. “Hi, by the way. You.. are coated in blood.” She sounds like she’s trying to make some sort of joke.

It’s not funny.

“I see he’s his usual chatty self.” She flashes a smile at Johnny.

“Yeah. He’s been like that all day.”

‘all day, he says. you’re letting him down, boy. put him out of his misery…. don’t try ignoring me. i know you hear me. speak up boy. pledge your obedience to me and do as i say.’

“I hear you.”

Sue and Johnny are distant now. Just me and master. His demands are growing clearer and clearer. He’s chosen to appear to me now. Right inside the bloodied room.

‘this isn’t what i requested of you.’ He growls. ‘you twisted my commands. the chainsaw was not for you… you weren’t supposed to try to hack yourself with it.’

“He’s not talking to us.” Johnny says gravely.

Sue makes a small noise. They talk some more. I don’t follow. He’s standing there. Watching them with disdain. He can’t stand Johnny. Part of me thinks that he can’t stand for me to be happy. He can’t stand for me to be well. Johnny means so much to me. He’ll do everything he can to destroy him.

Johnny urges me off his shoulder and takes my arm firmly in his hands, pulling me off in some direction. I don’t know if I care or not that Sue follows.

We leave master in the room. Johnny’s safe from him now. Safe. Tucked away. He won’t follow. There’s nothing reflective to see him in. I broke the mirrors. I broke all the mirrors. I broke the windows. I clawed through every appliance and TV screen… I covered the tile with blankets and clothing. Johnny had to take away the knives- so we don’t use them anymore. But when he does use the silverware, he’s sure to put it up somewhere. Somewhere out of sight. Nothing reflective. I’m keeping him safe. He’s only in the room because of the blood. No blood. No water. No form. It’s simple.

More talk. Something about the security deposit. I didn’t even think of that. This place is trashed. I’ve never lived like this before. I’m sure that if I hadn’t been forced to turn my finances over to Johnny as part of my ‘reworked contract’ they had me sign a few weeks into the treatments, I wouldn’t even be living here. I would forget to pay the rent. I don’t even know how much it is. I don’t even remember where I go pay.

We’re on our way to the bathroom down by my room. There’s one in my room, and one in the hall by my room. The one in the hall is bigger. On the rare occasions that people are allowed over, we don’t let them use that one. It’s a nice place. I like the tub there. I like to lay there for a while… until Johnny makes me get out. Or until I start to think about drowning.

“Where do you want to start?” Sue’s voice is bringing me back and forth through reality.

Johnny gets the door open without letting go of me. “I’m not asking you to clean up that mess.” He states. He lets go of me for a second to turn the lights on.

“Then maybe I could... I don’t know- watch over Daken. Make sure that he doesn’t sneak off with a weed hacker or something.”

“How about just making sure he doesn’t drown himself?” He leans over to run water in the tub.

Johnny knows the rules for this bathroom. The lights have to stay on. Otherwise the water is reflective and I can’t see the bottom. The mirror- he didn’t let me get to it- he covered it up. I hadn’t managed to hit this room on my little ‘rampage’. At first I’d been systematically getting rid of the mirrors. But one day, he was gone, and master was everywhere. I destroyed it. I destroyed all of it. Johnny got home before this room. That was another day where the house smelled like blood.

“Why does your mirror have a blanket over it?” Sue questions, peeking under one of the blankets corners.

“Because if it didn’t, it would be broken.”

“Stop it.” I say in an aggravated tone. Leave the mirror alone. We have to stay safe. We have to stay protected.

Sue regards me carefully before turning back to Johnny. “Does Samson know-“

“Yes.”

“And has he done anything to try and help?”

Samson… help? Samson doesn’t help. He doesn’t know how to help. Just a simple ‘what happened was standard procedure. If you feel that it was anything but, I’d be happy to get you in touch with Fury.’ He is an angel of destruction. A herald of imminent and outstanding pain.

“Nope.” Johnny’s aggravated. His arms are spread wide as he answers his sister. “Just little ol’ me. It’s a full-time job, let me tell you.” The water is filling up slowly in the tub. Water is bad. Water is good. Water is neither. I suppose it depends on who is with you in the water.  
Johnny stays leaned over the tub.

‘you could drown him.’ Master advises. ‘there would be no blood. no suffering.’

“That’s a lie. IT is the worst suffering I’ve ever faced.” I didn’t want the other two to hear this… so I said it in Japanese. It’s easier to think in my native tongue right now anyway.

“I’ll try and talk to Reed.” Sue offers to Johnny. “I honestly don’t know how much pull he has in this since he’s just a consultant- but it’s better than sitting back and doing nothing.”

“Thanks.” Johnny continues to stare at the water.

‘one push. six minutes. maybe less.’ He growls. ‘do as your told, boy!’

“Leave him alone.” Again in Japanese. “Please, Master. I beg you. Leave him alone.”

“Tubs full.” Sue says quietly behind Johnny. He didn’t notice. He must have a lot on his mind. “Almost over full… you might have to drain some of the water.”

Too full. Too much water. Not going in there. No way in hell.

“Daken… stay with Sue.” Johnny searches my face with a frown on his lips. “Please.” He adds when he apparently doesn’t find what he’s looking for. “He…” Johnny sighs, doing his considering face again. “He may need some nudging… just watch the hands.”

“Is he violent?” Sue asks seriously.

“No.” Johnny snaps, before leaving.

“Okay.” She holds her hands skyward before rolling up the sleeves on her blouse. “Never really bathed a full grown man… let alone one with daggers in his hands. Should be something to check off the bucket list.”

He’s gone. I’m left standing with Sue.

“You need to get in…” She urges. “Do you… uh, need help? Can you get undressed?”

‘the woman is belittling you. take her down!”

“Stop.” This one made it into English. Sue stares at me for a second.

“Are we going to fast? Just tell me how you want to do this… I’m kind of at a loss here.”

I can’t answer her. I don’t know how. I’m not getting in that tub. I’m not letting her put her hands on me.

“Let me help you.” She says finally, walking over to me and placing her hands on the waistline of my shorts. “I’m… not doing this to be rude- you understand, right?”

Against my better judgment, I accept her help. My limbs are stiff.

“Okay… now get in the water.” She’s losing her scent of embarrassment. She’s starting to take a clinical approach to this.

‘weak.’

“I am not.”

“Of course your not.” Sue nudges me forward until I’m standing in the water.

Too deep. But I can see the bottom. But it’s too deep.

“Daken, we’ve got to get the blood off of you. You need to sit down. Come on…” She pushes on my shoulder until I’m seated. The water is too high. But at least it’s warm.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sue made me go downstairs. But the second she was preoccupied cleaning, I snuck off to go see Johnny.

He’s bent over the carpet scrubbing. This is the only bed room with carpet. It was stupid to do it in here.

“Are you angry?” I manage to ask.

He scrubs at the floor harder. “No.”

He’s lying. He smells angry. “You smell angry.”

“I’m frustrated.” The smell of cleaner mixing with the remaining blood makes me uneasy. “I don’t like seeing you hurt, Daken. You know that. I’m tired of having to clean literal pieces of you off the floor.”

But I’m trying to protect you. Why can’t you understand that? Why are you so bull headed? “They grow back.” I say without much thought behind it.

“That they do.”

Angry. He’s angry. He won’t tell me he’s angry… but he’s been up here for hours.

“I could help.” I offer, going to him and crouching down near the bloodied carpet.

My claws extend easily. The bright prick of pain is something to calm me down. Something to focus me. I stab into the carpeting and start to cut it with precise movements.

Johnny actually laughs. “Don’t…” he smiles a little. “Don’t do that. Now there’s going to be a hole in the floor.”

“Done.” Now he can’t be angry. There isn’t anything to clean. He’ll have to be happy again.

He looks me over. I look for signs of master over his shoulder. The man’s been quiet since the bath. I’m wondering where he is.  
“You’re a mess.” Johnny sighs, standing to his feet. I stay seated for a few seconds before he offer’s his hand to me. I go to reach for it, but he jerks back. “Claws in.” He reminds.

‘bastard is training you.’ There he is. Not alone. Never alone.

The idea kind of makes me laugh. It comes out with more humor than I’m feeling.  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
The present

 

Johnny and Laura have switched places. He runs a comforting hand through my hair. Sitting on the edge of the bed as best he can without hurting me.

“Come on back.” He whispers more to himself I suppose.

“Don’t leave me.”

He leans over and kisses my head. “I’m not going anywhere.” He assures.

It’s dark outside the window. Night time. I’ve been lost for a while. It took me a long time to find myself.

“You’ve been gone for a while.” He comments. “Didn’t think you were coming back tonight.”

“Would you have stayed?”

“What?”

“If I hadn’t come back.”

Johnny sighs sadly. “Yes.”

“One day I’m not coming back.” I warn. “I’ll stay lost.”

“No, you won’t.” Johnny says confidently. “It just feels that way.”

One day I’ll stay lost. With master and shifter and all the others. I’ll disappear. I won’t talk. I won’t move. I’ll stop existing altogether. I want to prepare him for this.

“You don’t understand.”

“I know more than you think I do.” He kisses me again. “Go to sleep, okay? It’s late.”


	7. I Can't

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKay... so heads up. Lots of 'upsetting' things in this chapter. Slight mention of non- consensual contact. It's barely there, but it is, so if this upsets you, there ya go. 
> 
> also, catatonic is a symptom most often associated with schizophrenia but can be seen in other extreme mental illnesses as well. 
> 
> it is officially defined as 'a symptom defined by muscular rigidity and mental stupor' meaning- no talking, no moving- yada yada.
> 
> It is very real. So I didn't just pull it out of thin air, and if you're interested, there are several wonderfully insightful articles on it that kinda give you a good feel for what it means. That's just the part of me coming out that insisted I take abnormal psychology. Yes. Research. 
> 
> Anyway. Enjoy! sorry for loading you down with chapters so close together. 
> 
> eh if this one hurts you to read as much as it did me to write... I'll owe you all a puppy or something. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!

Something went wrong today… early in the morning while I was laying in the dark by myself. I don’t know what. But something was off.

I tried telling Reed when he came in but he didn’t seem to understand. I tried so hard to tell him. I know he must have felt my urgency. I never talk to him without being prompted. But he just nodded and tried his best to keep me from getting any more upset than I was. He didn’t listen. I tried to tell him.

I tried again when Laura and Johnny showed up… but they didn’t understand either.

Something is wrong. I feel wrong.

Rachel followed Johnny’s visit after he told her what I had said. She couldn’t give me any answers. She fought with me for a long time before quietly retreating to the side of the bed and giving useless words of comfort.

It got worse after that. They smothered my voice. It took a while for Reed to notice anything different.

At first, he thought I was ignoring him on purpose. I couldn’t tell him that I was only retaining small bits of information from the conversations around me.

Finally, he figured it out. Then he panicked. They tried all sorts of things. Things that could almost bring me back to the edge- but not pull me over it. For awhile it was hard to tell if I was awake or sleeping. I know if drifted between the two. When I’m awake I wish I was sleeping. When I’m sleeping I wish I was dead.

All of this boils down to right now- where something is definitely wrong.

I can’t focus on anything. The ‘others’ are noisier than usual. They seem to be screaming twelve different things- all at the same time. I don’t know who to listen to.

Logan and Reed are in the room now. I haven’t said a word to them. I’ve given up speaking to everyone. I just can’t talk. I’ve tried. But they won’t let me. My words are stuck in my throat, lodging themselves deeper and deeper the more disorganized and distant my thoughts grow.

They’ve been talking in hushed voices… and the noises on the inside are so loud that I can’t make out what the people on the outside are saying.

Something’s gone off. Something has triggered something else. God. Something is wrong. My head can’t contain it anymore. It’s going to spill out everywhere.

I can hear bits and pieces of the noises around me. I can hear Reed and Logan in the tinniest of fractions. The conversation they’re having isn’t a good one. Reed’s only having it in the room because he’s figured out that I’m not really here. He can’t upset me… or so he thinks. I can’t respond to them. There’s no telling how they’re making me react when I can’t physically do so.

“He’s almost catatonic. He hasn’t spoken. We can’t get him to respond and he’s been like this for at least four hours now.” Reed says in a louder voice. “Ms. Grey tried to deal with him… but she didn’t get anywhere. Shortly after her session, he ceased all communications with us. He’s not fighting, he’s not talking-we were even able to get food into him because of his lack of resistance.” Reed sighs. “Normally this would be a good thing- but the fact that he refused to react to us was frightening. We’ve set the bed up into a seated position in the hope that if he could see more of his surroundings, he’d be more likely to react to them. It didn’t work, Logan.”

“What are you trying to say here?” Logan growls.

“What I’m trying to tell you is that we’re, well, not sure what’s going on. He’s shutting down. He was adamant this morning that something was ‘wrong’. He must have said it at least fifteen times when I spoke with him. And you know how infrequently he speaks to me. It was almost every other word. But he couldn’t explain it clearly. Whatever this is, he knew what was going on. He felt it as it was happening.” Reed glances over at me. “It must have been terrifying for him.”

“Well… un-shut him down.” Logan says with heat dripping from his words. “Fix whatever went ‘wrong’.”

“It doesn’t work like that.” Reed pinches the bridge of his nose. “In the simplest of terms, we’ve run out of time.” He looks up at my father. “We’ve made him comfortable and we’re going to see if his condition will improve- but the odds aren’t good.”

Logan stands with his back to me, at the foot of the bed. I can’t see his reaction. I don’t know if I want to see his reaction.

“And what about ‘them’? Where do they play into this?”

“He’s lost to them. If anything is going on within his mind- they’re behind it.”

“Then how the hell is that ‘making him comfortable’?”

“We can’t do anything about that. I’ve told you. Medication is as ineffective on him as it is on you. I’m sorry.” He adds the last softly. “There’s nothing we can do at the moment but sit back and hope he snaps out of it.”

“Have you tried everyone-“

“He won’t react to anyone. We’ve even brought Johnny down here. He couldn’t get a word out of him. Daken won’t even acknowledge that someone’s in the room. He’s just… not there.”

“Is it a telepath? Some kind of mental trap set- I mean give me an explanation here. Brains just don’t ‘shut down’.”

“His did. This is probably the end side effect of the procedures. They’ve worn him down. We can’t really expect for him to be anything other than what he is. He’s been through too much. It was… too great for him to handle. The damage dealt is immeasurable.”

Logan runs his hand through his hair in a frustrated manner. “Have you tried-“

“We’ve tried everything.” Reed cuts him off. “We even tried some techniques they use on coma patients to get a reaction. People cannot get him to react. Pain, heat, nor cold can get him to react. Even scents are getting no results. He’s…” Reed sighs. “I don’t know what else to tell you Logan. We’ll do our best to take care of him. Keep his body running like it should and everything. But as far as the mind goes- we’re out of plays.”

No help is coming. There is no savior now. Just me. Alone again.

‘like we told you, you would be.’ Shifter cackles. ‘this is rich. all of our work pays off. little mongrel is going to be locked in his head. forced to be our pet for eternity.’

I don’t want that. I want to move. I want to respond.

But I can’t. There’s this overwhelming sense of distance. I always asked for distance. I always hid behind it. Now it’s the thing that’s torturing me the most.

“Okay,” Logan says softly. They’ve finished their conversation. I didn’t hear the end of it. “What about moving him?”

“Not a good idea,” Reed says gently. “We’ll observe him tonight… and if he keeps up like this, we’ll remove the restraints in the morning. If he’s not reacting, then he’s not a danger to himself anymore. Maybe unrestricting his movements will make him a little more comfortable.”

“Yea.” Logan finally turns to me. “He’s… awake. Do we try to talk to him?”

“If it makes you feel better.” Reed replies. “The likelihood of him answering isn’t high, though. We don’t know how much information he’s taking in at the moment. He could be hearing everything, or just bits and pieces. Maybe it would be comforting for someone to try talking to him.” The man sighs. “I know procedures for comatose patients very well. Catatonic ones… not so much. I suppose it works under the same premise. Actively try to get them engaged. Which really just relates to talking to him like everything is normal. Well, not normal. We should talk a little more than usual.” He smirks, but it’s sad. “Maybe that will get a reaction. He’ll be irritated enough to tell us to go away.”

“I’m not going to annoy him,” Logan says, walking over to the bed.

I want to be asleep. I don’t want to hear my father’s words for me. It was hard enough to hear Johnny’s when they brought him in.

To my surprise, he doesn’t say anything. He’s dressed like he usually is. Nothing fancy. The clothes holding the distant scent of motor oil. He stands a little way away from the bed, seeming to be in thought.

“So is this how you plan to let it go down?” He asks finally. But it’s in Japanese. I don't know why he's bothering. Both of us know that Reed is fluent in almost every language there is. 

And Plan? There was no way to ‘plan’ for this. It just happened.

He shifts a little. “If you can hear me, and I know you can, then you need to listen. You need to fight. You can’t do this. You aren’t allowed to do this.” The last part has no heat to it. It just sounds broken.

I don’t know how to feel. So I don’t feel anything. I drift out again. Lost in the black. The fog. The intense swirling vortex of darkness.

Back with them. Where they want me to be.

‘hmm. having fun?’ Shifter hisses. He’s beside me again. And he’s bigger than usual. His usually lean form is taking up more space than it should. I can actually see it. ‘you like?’ he smiles and now there are teeth. Wicked rows and rows of teeth. ‘got a little revamping done. you know, looking my best for our little date.’

“Go away.” I can talk here. I’m not trapped.

‘you used to like me. remember?’ He puts a massive clawed hand on my chest, running his fingers down it.

“I never liked you.” I spit.

‘you liked me when i was johnny.’ He smiles again, teeth glinting. ‘or do you want to pretend that that never happened? you don’t know if it was real or not, do you?’

“Go away, Shifter.” I growl this time.

‘touchy. you can go find the others, you know. but they’re all just like me. bigger, pointier…. we’ve all been morphed to fit your state of mind.’ He snickers. ‘which isn’t doing too well at the moment, is it mongrel? poor doggie lost his bark. lost his little mind. what will they do, i wonder? you can’t focus for more than five minutes at a time. you have no clue what’s going on.’

The darkness surges. Something is coming towards us. I want to run from it, but I know that there’s nowhere to run to.

‘i wouldn’t worry about her.’ Shifter advises. ‘she’s just getting a feel for the new terrain you’ve granted us with. she’s been ‘surging’ everywhere. quite annoying, really.’

‘mmm. so nice of you to notice, shifter.’ She purrs. ‘and what are you doing with our little pet? i thought it was agreed upon that we’d leave him alone for a while. leave him sitting in the dark on his own.’

‘but he’s so much more fun like this.’ Shifter says dismissively.

They’re… arguing? Can hallucinations argue? Are they allowed to talk to each other? I wish I hadn’t been so prideful and asked questions back when I could.

“Go away,” I repeat. “I have to fix whatever this is. If you aren’t going to help me, then you’re in my way.”

‘help you???’ Shifter cackles. ‘why the fuck would we do that?’

Right. They aren’t helpful things. That was stupid.

Logically, if I go back the way I came… I should find my way back to consciousness.

‘or you could run into more of us.’ Shifter says with another grin. ‘you’ve yet to ask if He got revamped with the rest of us. aren’t you the least bit curious?’

“No.”

‘fine. but if you go back the way you came, you’ll run into him. if you continue this way, you’ll run into the others. and if you stay where you are, well then you have to deal with us. any way you go, you’re fucked. might as well lay down and give up.’

He’s got a point… this seems stupid. I don’t know which way to go. I don’t know how to wake up or if I’m awake and seeing this on my own. Or even what ‘this’ is… my mind? Can someone really see into their own mind? Is this another hallucination? I can’t tell where they stop and where I begin.

“He’s awake… but he’s not.” Voices over the P.A. system. Voices from the outside. “Johnny… maybe you should just go.” I can’t make out who’s speaking, though. There’s too much distance.

“No. I’ll stay. I told him I would stay.”

“Look, kid, he doesn’t know if you’re here or not. He doesn’t have a clue. Go grieve somewhere else.”

“I’m not grieving.” This is snappish. “He’s not gone. He’s right there. I can see him. He’s still breathing, his hearts still going- he’s RIGHT THERE. Why would I grieve!?”

“Because he’s gone, Storm!” There’s a lot of heat behind that. It was yelled with great force. “They don’t know when he’ll come back. It may be in a few weeks, months, years- hell it could be long after you’re dead and gone.” This was said much softer.

“All the more reason for me to stay. I promised him as long as I could give him, and that’s what I’ll do. He may not be aware of it, but I am.”

I’m starting to think that the other voice might belong to Logan. But I can’t tell. I’m only tracking Johnny because he was introduced.

“Kid… it’s been a long day. We’re all a little shook up, okay? Maybe it’s best if you go. Seeing him like this isn’t going to help you.”

‘mmm. an unexpected turn of events.’ She whispers. ‘daddy is sending johnny away. he’s going to make sure you’re miserable. no more johnny. just you and us.’

I slump forward to my knees. I can’t hear him anymore. He’s gone.

‘that’s right.’ Shifter praises. ‘just let that sink in… just you and us. forever. in here, with no light. no distractions. there’s no possible way for you to ignore us now.’

I’m here... but I’m not. I’m there, but i’m not because I’m here. Out there is where everyone is. The people I like. The people who at least try to help me.

Shifter’s massive claws find their way to the back of my head, pushing me lower. I’m not submissive enough. He hasn’t beaten me fully yet. What does he hope to gain from this? He’s not real. What does he gain from tearing my mind to shreds?

‘ah. truth time.’ Shifter says with glee. ‘we’re a visual and auditory hallucination. your mind is wrecked beyond repair. it was many, many years ago. but they put up a block. they forced you to function. then your stupid ass agreed to let them pull down that block. didn’t you ever wonder why it hurt so badly? or why you went back to hearing Him almost immediately? you were stupid. you were careless. you let your actions be guided by sentiment. you let that stupid, careless, man talk you into something that you KNEW would hurt you. and why? because you ‘loved’ him. maybe not all the way at first, but it didn’t take you long- did it? always waiting on him. all those anxiety filled moments when you thought he wasn’t coming back… and then lo and behold he did. your knight. fighting off all your demons for you and cleaning up your messes.’

‘and now your mind has nothing.’ She picks up when shifter stops. ‘just us. you could be awake right now. your eyes could even be open. but you are still seeing us. you’re still seeing this place. because it’s all you have left. look around mongrel. see what the price of your sentimental bullshit was. was it worth it? all this for a man you never even fucked.’ she cackles. ‘oh wait… you thought you did… didn’t you? or that he fucked you- i should say. but we both know that was shifter. we don’t know how johnny would have been… but i can promise that he wouldn’t have been that rough. he would have cared. but once again, you’re stupid. you believed it was him. you wanted it to be and it was. no wonder shifter used you as often as he did. you’re too easy.’

“Stop!”

‘no.’ Shifter hisses. ‘we won’t. you’re welcome to go find the others… but they’ll be just as bad. and if you run into Him, he’ll be worse.’

“What do I do?” I finally ask.

“lay down.” Shifter orders. ‘give up.’

I don’t want to, but the floor gets closer and closer. I feel like my body is still restrained. No light. no distractions… I may never see light again. Trapped here for eternity. I’ll outlive Johnny. I’ll outlive them all… and be stuck in here for years, and years and-

‘that’s right.’ She hisses.

I could try to cover my ears and block them out, but I know that would be pointless. So I end up curled at their feet.

They win.

All of them. Master. Fury. The scientists. This is what they wanted.

And they win.


	8. Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had to do soooo much research for this chapter. Ended up with reading old Asian Philosophy books from last semester as well as some articles online... anyway here ya go. 
> 
> A little sad. So heads up. 
> 
> Thanks for reading, y'all!

It’s been days, literal days since it happened. Things have become very clearly drawn for me. There is here and there is there. The two cannot be merged. They can’t coexist. They are completely different planets from each other. In one, I can move and speak- but I’m far from free. In the other, I’m encased in my own mind, unable to communicate in even the simplest of fashions.

I don’t have a clue what’s going on around me out there. Sometimes, I can see the room- but most of the time I’m in the dark. I’m here. Waiting. Listening. Trying to find a somewhat peaceful existence among the others. Every time I try, I realize that peace can’t be reached with them. There is no logic here. I feel for poor Alice falling down the rabbit hole. I never really cared for that… I mean I never really cared for children stories at all… but I can sympathize now

I want to go home too. I want to be safe and sound –anywhere but here. The people on the outside are trying. I can feel that they’re trying.

Rachel has tried to make contact a few times… but I can’t let her in. I don’t know how. She stays on the fringe of the darkness, unable to come any closer. I can almost hear her calling to me- but she’s never loud enough.

The voices there, on the outside, started declining after the first day. By the fourth day I figured out how long I’d been here by the different voices. They come in shifts.

None of them are happy- though. They try to tell me things- but it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. Just the darkness… just them.

Most of the time I just stay still. I tried escaping back the way I came once… but I couldn’t get anywhere. I ended up back with Shifter. He was more than pleased to see my return. He hadn’t even bothered moving- he knew I would come back.

I know that on the outside they’re putting someone over me at all times… since I can’t respond to them- someone needs to be able to say if things get worse. Or better. God, I hope they get better soon. On the inside, they’re putting people over me as well. Someone’s always within earshot. Or, more likely, always within arms reach.

I’ve actively avoided Master. Or tried to as best I could, anyway. I’m really not sure how this thing works.

Who’s in charge here?

Me?

Them?

Is it my brain that’s doing the deciding for me without my consent?

Shifter seems to think he’s in control… but even he admits that he works under master. The others seem to be under shifter. The others. All big, solid, masses of shadow and teeth. When they’re all together there are three ‘he’s’ and two ‘she’s’. They like to talk together. Except for the one that follows Shifter around. The two them are always together. One nasty shapeshifter and one nasty telepath.

The word ‘catatonic’ is being thrown around a lot on the outside. I don’t think that’s true. In here- I’m awake. I can move, I can react- I just can’t… I can’t bridge the gap between here and there. And on the rare occasions that I do, I can’t function there.

Here is dark, horrifying, and above all else- cruel. The torment never stops. Not when I’m sleeping, not when I’m awake, not even when I’m doing what they tell me to do. I tried to comply with them, to make them shut up. But they are insatiable. I’m bending over backward to keep them pleased. And it’s not working. I can’t even sleep without them touching me. Holding onto me. They’ve made it perfectly clear that it doesn’t stop until they get what they want. But then… they won’t tell me what they want. Most of the time, I've just resigned myself to laying on the floor listening to them. It’s dark here. I can barely see anything. What little illumination there that can be found is from holes from overhead. Holes in the ceiling of this place. Light shines through occasionally. Most of the time it’s just enough for me to see the others. Which only encourages me to stay where I am, further. These are not nice things. These things are not pleasant. They want destruction. It doesn’t seem to bother them that in destroying me, they’re also destroying themselves.

Days and nights drag on slowly. Shifter seems to be my most constant companion. I hate him more than the others. Not because of what he did to me- I’m trying to make peace with that. I wasn’t careful enough- I wasn’t strong enough. Therefore I am responsible. Just like with Master. But because of what he continues to do to me. He’s always there.

He sleeps near me, large clawed hands constantly draped over some part of my person, making sure I don’t go anywhere. I just let him do it. What can I do? I can’t fight back. There’s nothing TO fight here. NO matter what they do to me- I can’t retaliate.

Shifter loves this more submissive role he’s forced me take. He’s always bossing me around. I know he can’t hurt me physically- at least on the outside, pain, however, most definitely registers here- but things aren’t physical here. He can stand there and scream for hours with no one to stop him. He never gets tired, he never leaves a subject to rest…. Constantly beating a dead horse. That describes it.

‘hmm. look here.’ Shifter muses with himself, I suppose. I don’t think he’s talking to me. More likely talking about me, but not to me. He’s walked up out of the darkness, in long, sure strides. ‘i found this.’ Now he’s talking to me. And that’s never pleasant.

If I ignore him, maybe he’ll go away this time. Maybe he’ll see that there’s no fun to be had here.

 

‘look at what i’ve found.’

I don’t want to see what he’s found. I don’t care. I’ve never cared about anything less in my life. I hate him. I HATE him. I want him dead. And the problem is- he’s already dead. I can’t kill him. He’s safe from me.

“Go away.” I try weakly, pulling myself from the floor into a seated position. Usually, he’d delight in pushing me back down. This time he doesn’t seem to care.

He walks to where he’s behind me. His massive form brushing up against my bare back. ‘don’t you want to see? i took from one of the others… we don’t get many shiny things in here, mongrel. don’t you want to see it? the others want it so badly... but i kept it from them. and now i’ve brought it to you. because you should see. i want you to see. take a look.’

“No.”

‘ i’m trying to be nice and share with you. the other one wanted to keep it to himself… but that’s no fun, now is it? i want to share with you. look what i’ve found for you. look.’

“I don’t want to know what you’ve found. I didn’t even know you COULD find things in here.” I’m sitting with my knees drawn in front of me and my elbows resting there, he can’t hurt me. There’s no way for him to hurt me. They told me he wasn’t real. He CAN’T be real. “Go away. There’s nothing else you can do here.”

‘just look.’

“No.”

‘but it’s really shiny. and sharp. i think you’ll like it. i brought it here for you.’

“Go away, Shifter.”

I can almost feel him smirking.

‘not until you look. it’s so shiny. so smooth. you’ll love it. look. look what i’ve brought for you.’

“I don’t CARE!”

He cackles, I can feel him leaning over me- dangling something in front of me. ‘look. for you.’ It’s hard to make out in the dark… long, narrow, metallic, sharp point- wait.

“Get that the fuck away from me!” I try to move but he’s in the way.

‘you don’t want to share?” he asks condescendingly, keeping me in one spot with his free hand. ‘you could have to yourself if you want- we don’t have to share. all you have to do is ask.’

“Get away Shifter!” My arm has found it’s way to my face, instinctively shielding my eyes from the long, sharp, medical instrument.

He laughs again. ‘are you frightened? of this little thing? it’s harmless. unless the person on the other end knows how to use it…”

I could leave… but he’ll be back. I don’t know if he’s threatening me or not… I know physically he can’t hurt me. But then up until thirty seconds ago I also ‘knew’ that there couldn’t be objects here. Yet here he is-Dangling on of those damn pins in front of my face.

‘you’re scared.’ Shifter hisses. ‘i like it when you’re scared.’

“I hate you.” It comes out muffled, my face is turned away from him. Away from it.

‘you don’t want to know who i took it from?”

“Your little buddy probably.” I growl.

‘her?’ Shifter hits the side of my face with the end of the pin. He seems to like the resulting flinch, so he repeats his actions a few more times. ‘no. i’ve already told you that i took it from a ‘he’. one of the others- you see. he found it… laying around. but he doesn’t have the power to keep such nice things. i do. i’ll go find all the things laying around. all scattered on the floor in the dark, misplaced by a careless, selfish, child. all your little playthings. tell me mongrel, what else is there? what scares you?’

“Nothing.”

‘then your fears are us, Him, and this little flimsy piece of metal?’ He dangles the metal lower.

“Go AWAY!”  
He’s laughing again. ‘come on mongrel… just a joke.’ He finally backs off, leaving me there. If we were on the outside, I’d be sweating.

‘He wants to see you, by the way. He wants to know why you’ve been avoiding Him.’

Shifter’s voice is smooth as he starts ramping up for another wave of unrelenting torment. This could last for hours. When I first came here, it lasted for two days. That was about five days ago. A week… yes. I need to remember the days. Figure out exactly what’s going on here and get back to consciousness.

“You know why I’m avoiding him.”

I feel like curling up again, but that won’t do any good. I have to wait this out. Let him do what he’s going to and try to think of my next move.

Shifter comes back, putting a hand on my shoulder while bending down and invading the space by my ear. ‘want to hear something fun? to make up for my joke. i’ll tell you a secret…do you want to hear it?’

“No.” This comes out weakly. He’s close. I hate it when he does this. He knows I can’t stand him touching me.

‘come on. let me tell you.’

“Why are you doing this?”

‘let me tell you. oh please. it will be fun.’ he’s voice takes on a childish tone that I hate. ‘let me tell you.’

“Why are you doing this?” I demand again.

Shifter stands abruptly and stomps his massive foot. ‘if you’re not going to play by my rules- then you can’t play at all.’ It takes a few seconds to register his movements behind me. He takes the pin and roughly pushes it through the back of my skull and out the top of my head.

It hurts. It hurts so bad.

Blood puddles around me, spilling down my shoulders and back in messy crimson rivers, barely noticeable in the blackness.

‘whoops. that was backward. should have gone in through the front… i’ll get better.’ He removes the metal from my head and allows me to fall to the floor. A second after I hit the ground, he crouches over me. ‘now, can i tell you my secret? will you listen like a good doggie?”

A groan escapes my lips and he takes that for a positive affirmation.

‘you could have woken up days ago.’ Shifter hisses. ‘the telepath came back. she was here. but you were sleeping. you refused to wake up…’ he snickers.

“What?”

‘you heard me. you choose to stay here. you choose us over them. punishment over safety. what are you up to mongrel? punishing yourself for all the bad things you’ve done? can you no longer deal with the reality you’ve been faced with? are you really that weak?”

“Go away.” My voice sounds hollow. I could have woken up… but I didn’t. My brain made an active decision to stay here.

‘no.’ he’s walked back over to me, looming over me. I can’t see his face, but I’m sure he’s smirking. He bends over me and puts a hand under my chin, pulling me to knees and making me face him. Shifter has no eyes. Why hadn’t I noticed that before? He doesn’t even have eye sockets. He should be blind. How is he seeing? His teeth put Venom’s to shame. Rows upon rows… almost like a shark. His breath has no smell, thankfully, and when he opens his mouth beyond the teeth there is no tongue. Massive jaws work as he smiles. His skin looking more like a liquid latex than shadow now. ‘you saw this form before… it was one of my favorites. must have been one of yours too, right mongrel? do you even remember me coming to see you at night? or is that another thing you’ve completely blocked out? are you ever going to tell them about the monster under your bed? would you describe me to them? would you tell them what i did to you? come on mongrel, these are important questions! will you tell them how fury made me stop using this form... how even he thought it was too cruel?’

Why is he doing this?? He has nothing to gain from it! I don’t understand. Why won’t he just leave me alone??

“What do you want? There’s nothing left to give you.” My breathing is uneven. He smiles when he hears it hitch. “I don’t-“

‘you don’t understand. you never understand. poor little daken so hurt and confused.’ He runs his large thumb down my cheek. ‘you’re so sad and alone. crying in the dark where no one can hear you. no one but me and Him. now tell me… who do you fear more? the monster you already know or the one you’ve only just begun to know?’

“Why-“ I can’t finish. His lips are pulled back into a snarl.

‘why? because i CAN you worthless half-breed. because maybe, it’s what you deserve. maybe you’re just getting a taste of what you really are. a weak, sniffling, half-breed who doesn’t have the wits about him to know when he's beaten. you know what i want? nothing. i’ve taken everything from you. you can’t even handle reality anymore. you’ve escaped into your own head to get away and landed yourself in a bigger mess. now, mongrel, i want you to stay in that mess.’

“Why would you want that? If something happens to me, it happens to you too.” I’m trying to think. Trying to think of anything other than the crushing weight that’s been placed on me. “We can try-“

‘to what? ‘coexist’?’ he laughs. ‘honey, this isn’t one of those illnesses. i’m not a part of you. i’m not some deep, dark secret that you have to realize in order for me to go away. you can’t reintegrate me with yourself. I would NEVER allow myself to be part of half-breed disgrace like you. i am me. solely me. you are you. and now i own you. even if you wake up- i’ll still be here. you have no options. you’re beat.’

“Then why are you still doing this?” This is harsh. I can feel myself on the verge of breaking down, but I don’t want to give him the satisfaction.

‘ you want to know what i want? what i really want? i want you to stay broken. like when i first met you.’ he smiles again, holding me securely. I’m terrified. There’s no point in denying that. ‘so delicious when you’re like this.’ He hums. ‘like back at the hospital. you remember? so much screaming… pleading. ‘why are you doing this?’ all the ‘stop’s’ and ‘i don’t understands’ . so much weakness. you would have done anything to make them stop. you would have done anything. and they call me in to break you. it was my job. i was on the payroll for nothing else. master, johnny, daddy dearest, the clone bitch, your little psycho boy toy… all coming back to punish you. and the crying… so sweet. so good. you had two run ins with me before you started to hear me. before i came here. i was nameless- shapeless. a mere shadow. you weren’t ready…’

“Stop! God! Just stop! I don’t want to hear anymore! Please… just stop talking!”

‘they knew. they knew everything. they recorded it all. you told them about Master. they knew they could make more if they pushed hard enough. that you would shatter.”

He’s not the real shifter. He can’t know any of this. He’s lying.

‘i know what you know. you heard them. i was there. they made bets on how fast i could break you. they placed wagers on how long it would take for your heart to stop. or if when it did, it would stay stopped or not.’

“I don’t want to hear this.” I know he’s trying to play an angle here. I’m ashamed to note that it’s working. “Please. There’s nothing else I can give you. Just… leave me alone.”

‘hmm it would be nice of me, wouldn’t it? leave you alone after being so mean to you… let me tell you what. i’ll leave. but i’ll be back. and i’ll have another gift for you. and we will continue our discussion.’

“That’s not what I meant!” Panic. Definite panic. I can’t think through it.

‘so you want me to stay?’

“No!”

‘then you want me to leave like i said before.’

“No!”

‘then what does my little pet want? it seems i can’t please it with whatever i do.’

I give up. This is too hard. It’s too much.

I pull against his grip and after a few moments of straining, he lets me go.

‘what do you plan on doing?’ he hisses.

“Nothing.” I slump back to the floor, resting my head on the freezing darkness that makes it.

‘taking a nap?’ he asks almost soothingly.

There’s no point in talking to him anymore.

‘i know you hear me.’ he lightly kicks at me, even though it’s light, it’s enough to jolt me the slightest.

I close my eyes, blocking him out. His face. Those teeth… that skin… they remind me of too much. The monster under my bed. Fury had to call him off. It was too damaging. He said that he had to use another form. The bastard thought it was too cruel. The only fucking kind thing he ever did for me…

‘what are you thinking, hmm? it’s not usual for doggie to be so quiet.’

I continue to ignore him. Hopefully, he’ll get the message. He’s won. I have to tell him at least three times a day. He seems to forget that there’s no more prize here.

He sits next to me with a thud, hand resting across my stomach as he pulls me closer. If we were in the physical realm, I’d be vomiting.

‘poor, poor mongrel. finally getting the big picture.’

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Eventually, Shifter loses interest. We’re trapped in my head… and it’s got to shut down sometimes. Theoretically, I still need sleep. Physically speaking anyway. I’m pretty sure that these blackouts and hours of silence come from them sedating me on the outside.

That or maybe I’m just falling asleep on my own. Maybe I’ve been awake this whole time. I don’t…

There’s just so much that I don’t know. That I can’t know. No one warned me about this. Fury never said this could happen. Samson never said this could happen. They said I might feel depressed- that was it. When I signed the contract I thought nothing of it. It took a while before I finally broke down and told them about how ‘weird’ things were getting. And even then- they just made a note of it. No one did a damn thing.

On the last treatment… I was barely there. It took Johnny manhandling me to get me into the building. I wouldn’t go on my own.

I begged him not to. Right there in the lobby. Security had to take me from him and force me into the room. IT was the only time they ever locked me in the room. Usually, the door was open. I could see it while they worked with me… or on me. They forced me to the bed and held me there until they injected me with the syringe.

The telepaths never came into the room until the doctors injected me with a mild sedative. It was never enough to put me under fully. Just the right amount to make everything fuzzy. To the point where I couldn’t really see faces. And if I did, I won’t be able to recall them.

There’s no way to describe a telepath wrenching your past from your head. The barriers that had been protecting me from myself fell harshly. It felt like my brain was split in half. They weren’t gentle. They just scooped out whatever they could and relayed it to a machine. Some kind of thing they had to record it. Maybe Reed helped them make it. I don’t know. The machine was never as interesting as the door. I never wanted to see my memories. I knew I’d be seeing them for the days that followed, anyway. So I tried to keep my vision focused on the present. The telepaths told me to stop most the time- they said I was making it harder on them. This time, they just gave up. They let me look at whatever I wanted to. No fuss. They knew they had won. No need to gloat.

“Daken?" 

On the outside now. Someone’s talking. I have enough presence of mind to listen to them.

“I don’t know if you can hear me or not…. Just letting you know I’m here. That you’re not on your own.” His breath hitches. He’s crying. Whoever is out there is saddened by this. Someone out there cares. They want to help. Maybe this isn’t as hopeless as I thought it was. “Logan’s not really letting anyone in here that doesn’t absolutely have to be. That’s the only reason I haven’t been in here. But… Reed told Logan he had to get some sleep. As soon as Logan left, Reed told me to hurry down here.” Johnny? I can’t tell. I hope it’s him. God, I want it to be him. Just to hear him. If I could move, I’d want physical contact. I want Johnny to hold me. To tell me that this is some sort of nightmare.

“I hate seeing you like this, I’m not going to lie. You’ve got so many tubes running through you. A feeding tube that they ran through your nose this time… in case you got sick again- some IV’s- yea they figured out how to do that. Melted down some rare metal that slows your healing factor down… Carbi- something or other. IT was super expensive and they have to take it out and reinsert it every few hours just to make sure you don’t heal over it…. but Reed figured it out. They told you this already, of course. But you didn’t respond. They’ve also got you hooked up to some machine to monitor your brain activity… we know that there’s something going on in there. I know it must be horrifying. You can tell me about it when you wake up- okay? I’ll be right here… just like I promised. They couldn’t get me to leave if they tried.” He sighs. “I love you. I wish I had told you that the last time we talked. I wish… I wish I had known. They say that you knew what was going on the whole time. That you felt it happening… I’m sorry. I really let you down there…” More tears follow this. “We’re trying to find a way to help you. We really are. I’m not going to sit on the sidelines and watch you suffer- okay? If I have to fight for you- then I will. I want you to know that. It can take as long as it possibly can- but I’ll be here when you come out of it.”

He’s here. He’s not leaving. He says he won’t leave me.

“The doctors are kind of relieved that they can get food into you now. They’re kind of doing it every few hours now… I think they’ve gone a bit overboard with it- if you ask me. They have to take shifts… a new person every four hours, all day every day. Logan takes most of them. Reed’s shown him how to do most of the procedures to take care of you… so he does. I thought you should know that. He doesn’t leave you on your own. I know you probably don’t know that…. Because he can’t seem to talk to you when you’re like this now. I mean- he tried. But after the first day, he just seemed to not be able to anymore.”

Shifter moves beside me, a terrifying thought occurs. He heard this. He’s going to punish me for this…

“There ya go,” Johnny says gently. “We can hear when something happens… the machine makes all these annoying noises- you would hate it. Once you start responding again, they’ll phase it out. You’ll probably still be hooked up for a few days after you come to… but that will just for precautionary measures.”

I want him here with me. The real him. I don’t want to be here, trapped in the dark. Johnny’s always saved me from this. He’s done his best… even when I tried to push him away.

“I guess that’s all I have to say tonight. I’ll stay with you until Reed kicks me out… just so you know I’m here.” He goes silent for a second. “I guess you can’t feel anything- huh? You wouldn’t know if I kissed you or not… but that doesn’t matter. It’s late. I hope you get some rest. I don’t know how much resting you actually do… but I wish you’d take it as easy as you can with whatever is going on in there.”

Easy. Got to take it easy. Try to get back. Avoid them all.

“Good night, Daken. I hope to hear from you tomorrow, okay? You’ll try- won’t you? Please?”

But I did try. I really did. It didn’t work.  
“Just try. Do what you can.. we’ll try to do the rest. I promise that we won’t just abandon you.”

Good. I’m not alone. He’s here. All of this has happened… and he’s still here. I have to get back. I can’t stay here. I need to be there. There is no other option. I don’t belong here. This isn’t the right place for me. It’s not where I need to be.

I just have to meet them half way… that’s it. Just half way.


	9. You Must

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> semi happy chapter here... tryin' to make up for some of the dark stuff I've put y'all through. :)

Blackness. Voices. Pressure on the inside of my head.

If you try to keep track of it, it makes it worse.

Day in and day out.

There’s no point in fighting. I can’t. I tried- I really did. But I just ended up in more pain.

Things replay in my head. Memories. Sometimes things that I don’t remember actually happening- Shifter is quick to assure that they did, though.

Master has become the worst of the seven. Topping even shifter. I’m powerless against him- just like when I was younger. His demands are absolute. I must remember. Because if I forget, then I’ve failed. I have to show him these things. I need to repeat them to him. Word for word, exactly how they happened.

More blackness. Johnny comes about the same time at night. Sometimes I don’t hear him, but I know he’s been there.

Things are slow here. They drag on at their own pace. Most of the time, I sleep. It’s all I have left to do.

Sometimes I see the room. But it’s becoming more and more like a dream. Maybe the room is the hallucination. Maybe I’m still back in the compound. Maybe it was all some sort of prolonged trick.

More time passes.

Are they coming back?  
IS there a back?  
If I wake up- what happens? How long will it have been?  
What if they’ve moved me? Given up altogether?

Days… and days. Shifter.. master.. the others- my only company. They don’t answer my questions.

No one does.

I’m being taken care of surely. They wouldn’t just leave me in the room to rot… would they? What have I done to earn their loyalty?

Another day.

Shifter bothers me from the time I wake up until I hear nighttime voices. The next time I wake up, Master is ordering more memories. More conversation. It leaves me crippled.

Night time.

And day time.

They stretch and stretch.

After a while, I lose track. It’s been too long. The room is more and more distant. I’m starting to hear things around me, though. Beeping. More talking.

More days.

I can see the room more now if I focus. It takes a lot of energy, though. I can’t do it often.

The others hate this. When I’m gone they scream and scream until I come back.  
Those moments are not peaceful. I barely try to see the room any more than I have too.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

The room. I think… I can hear people clearer. I still can’t see anything. I can’t feel anything either.

But it sounds like people are near me.

 

“Tell me what’s wrong with him Richards. I want an official diagnosis so we can at least know what we’re dealing with. NO more of this calling in every specialist you can think of and then say nothing bullshit. I don’t have any answers- and you're going to fix that. ”

It’s a simple enough statement. I’ve heard bits and pieces of my ‘officially recognized symptoms’ over the last few weeks… but never all of them.

“Well,it’s…he’s been like this for three weeks, as you know. And like I’ve said numerous times before- it’s not unusual for catatonia to last for this period of time or longer in some cases. There are no worries there.”

“NO worries? He isn’t talking. He won’t move. He won’t even acknowledge that we’re in the fucking room! How the hell are we not supposed to worry about that?”

“Logan…” Reed sighs. “We’ve been over this. This has to run its course. We can help with some therapy tactics as well as having Rachel keep trying to reach him. Other than that… it’s his game. We have to play it.”

“You make it sound like it’s his fault.” God. Logan’s purposefully looking for a fight.

‘it is your fault, you know. it’s your mind.’ master says cruelly. ‘you can’t control it.’

“It’s not. Now… I have to take notes for today… if you would stop badgering me, I could get them done in peace.”

“I ain't leaving stretch. Not because you want to take more ‘notes’. Notes that aren’t fucking helpful in the slightest.”

Reed sighs heavily. “I take the notes so I can compare them with leading specialists. We have to do a vast majority of our work over the internet seeing as they can’t all drop what they’re doing and come here. The notes are essential.”

“Bullshit,” Logan growls. He really wants to fight. He’s trying to push all of Reed’s buttons. Unfortunately for Logan, I think Reed knows what he’s up too. He won’t allow himself to be baited.

“Logan… if you are going to behave like this, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You’re riling me up will not bring your son back. I suggest you go collect yourself.”

“Oh let him stay Reed,” Sue says harshly. “He’s worried. He’s got every right to be angry… besides, you’re just going to say the same things you said yesterday. And the day before. You’re just putting a different date in front of it. He’s not going to be that big of a distraction.”

“Fine,” Reed answers coolly. “And I guess you're staying too?”

“If it keeps the two of you from killing each other- yes.”

“Alright… but you both have to be completely quiet. Got it?”

There’s no response from either of them.

“Thank you. Let’s see… where did I put that recorder? Hmm. Oh, there it is. Excuse me Logan.”

It’s a pain not being able to see what’s going on. I’m sure Reed has himself distended in a way that would make a pretzel envious.

“Alright. So… it’s been three weeks and two days since the last physical interaction. Patient is still showing signs catalepsy, the time frame for the lack of movement being again, three weeks and two days. He also continues to show signs of extreme muscle rigidity and negativism. He refuses to move on his own and resists the act of us moving him. Brain activity is lower than when we first started monitoring… No physical reaction is being shown to cold, heat, pain, scent, or sound. We’ve called in some specialist to look at him- they all seem extremely baffled. He also shows an advanced sort of elective mutism. He’s not said a word all this time and sees incapable of doing so.”

“Did you really have to include that? Like you wouldn’t remember. He never really talked to you- but the rest of us could get a little bit of an earful if he was in the mood. Reminding yourself that he’s not talking seems a little pointless dear.” Sue snorts.

“Sue…”

“Fine, fine. Keeping it zipped.”

“As far as a diagnosis goes, we continue to be in the dark. He shows characteristics from Chronic Depression and Schizophrenia- which more than explain the catatonic state. But also, Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and a few of the miner symptoms of Dissociative Identity Disorder. The current copy of DSM 5 confirms this. As do several leading psychologists that have seen him and read my notes.”

This time Logan makes an unpleasant noise. “IS that what we’re going with? ‘Can’t diagnose him because he as them all?’”

Reed makes a disgruntled, aggravated sort of noise. “Before becoming catatonic, he seemed to be in a great deal of confusion. Showing levels of unusual amounts of energy. Slight slurring of speech, insistently repeating phrases to get them across… very odd behavior. Our resident telepath seems to have hit a wall. She can’t reach him and we fear pushing too hard.”

“Are you done?” Sue asks around a yawn.

Reed makes a very disgruntled noise this time. “Yes, dear. I’m done now.”

“Good. You can go watch Val and Franklin. Johnny needs to rest and Ben’s outside hassling the paparazzi to vacate the premises.”

“Why is he-“

“One of them actually made it in the building, Reed. Do you ever check your cell phone? I texted you about it three hours ago.”

“Oh god. Did Ben do anything too rash?”

“He didn’t get a chance,” Sue says with a chuckle. “Johnny forcibly removed the intruder from the building before he could even get to him.”

“Good man.”

“Go.” Sue orders. “Make sure the kids are okay. I’m going to wash Daken up a little-Try to get him to move some while I’m at it.” She pauses. “And while you're watching our darling children- promise me that there will be no rockets. I absolutely mean it this time, Reed. No toy rockets, no model rockets, no actual rockets. NO ROCKETS.”

“Okay, okay-“

“I need to hear you say it.”

“There will absolutely be no rocket building of anyway, shape, or form.” He says quickly. A tad too quickly for it to be entirely true. Please don’t’ let the Richard’s brood blow up the building right now. I can’t move. That would be very problematic for me.

“Good.” Sue sounds pleased with his response. “Now hurry… I told Johnny you’d be along shortly- and he’s pretty beat. They’ve got him playing that stupid x-box for the third hour in the row. He could use the rest.”

“Yes, dear.” He says sarcastically, but it sounds happy. They’re happy together. They support each other- look after each other and all that. I can see where Johnny gets it from. I don’t come from that. I’ve only ever been taught that love and compassion make for weakness. That you can only look after yourself. That in the end… no one cares.

“Hmm… this would be so much easier if we could get him into a tub.” She murmurs to herself. “Logan, could kindly go fill this up for me?”

He makes some sort of noise to answer her. He’s not really big on talking today if it’s not to yell at someone.

“Alright… let me take these blankets off.” She stops talking for a minute. “NO response.” She sighs. “And it’s freezing in here. You should have flinched or something.”

“Here.” Logan is back. The door never opens in the minutes that follow, so I guess he’s staying.

“Mm… okay. Let me start over here.” She makes a noise closer to me. “We’re going to move your hand… okay? Just- okay. Nope. That’s not happening. You can keep it there if you want to. No pressure.”

“He can’t hear you, Sue.” Logan grouses. “There’s really no point-“

“He can’t RESPOND to me. There’s no way of telling if he can hear me or not. And personally, I think it’s bad beside manner to be getting this personal with a person and not say a word to them.”

“So you think-“

“My opinion seems to be irrelevant around here.” She says a little darkly. “Personally, I think that Daken is still Daken. He requires the same level of dignity and respect we were already giving him. He’s in there somewhere. It doesn’t matter if he can or can’t hear me. On the off chance that he can- I want him to know that he’s being well taken care of in the best ways possible. Things need to be explained.”

“And you do this every time you interact with him?”

“Yup. I think all of us should.” Her voice moves to the away from me for a second. “If you’re going to stay in here, then I’m going to put you to work.” She says when she comes back. “Help me get the sweats off of him.”

“Uh…”

“We have to wash him. Don’t tell me you're uncomfortable with him being naked… you’re his father.”

"IT's not that." Logan says. "I've seen him naked more times than I can count."

"So..." She huffs a little. "Lift him up a little, Logan." 

"I got him." He assures. 

I can't feel what they're doing. Part of me is grateful for that. 

"So you don't mind seeing him naked.. but you don't want to wash him?" 

"Yea...." He drawls. "It's... I didn't mind before- when I could talk to him.  Now..." 

"He's helpless." 

Logan grunts. 

"He's defenseless." 

"Yea." 

"And now he's naked and exposed." 

He sighs. "Yea." 

"And in washing him like this, you're faced with the fact that there is nothing you can do to help him." Sue sighs. "You do this every time you wash him." 

"I do not-"   
  
"You're in a horrible mood after washing him." She continues. "Because it makes YOU feel helpless." She pauses. "And you're not good at that. You see it as a weakness. But it's not a weakness you can correct in any shape or form. It's one that just has to happen." 

"Alright," he growls. "That's enough introspection."  He continues with, "I just want him to have the illusion of privacy. One day he's going to wake up and we'll be doing this for him and-"   
  
"You were doing this before he went catatonic." 

"Not often." 

"Not often." She repeats. "But you saw that we had to do it." 

"Yea, but he was starting to fight back," Logan informs. "We could get other emotions out of him. He was starting to get some sort of... spark. Now... we might as well not be in the room. He's just... helpless. That's it. He's helpless. And we can't help him. I can't help him. " 

"Help him by keeping him clean." She insists. "Talk to him. Try to stimulate him in some form. Even if he doesn't respond- if he could hear you, I bet he'd be appreciative for the company." 

"I don't know how to make heads or tails of this." Logan confesses after a few moments of silence. 

“ You’re responding like a normal parent, Logan. None of us want to see our children hurting and scared. And that’s just what this is- he’s hurt and he’s scared. You’ve taken care of the people who did it- sure. And I’m sure that in your family unit that’s the proper way to deal with it. But now you’re left with the fact that the damage can’t be undone with a simple ‘eye for an eye’ mentality. There were consequences. These consequences lead to complications. The complications are very physical, but you can’t treat them.”

“Yea.. that about sums it up.”

Sue makes a small noise. “Give me a hand.” She orders. “You know with my kids, I had a difficult time getting them here. It was far from normal. Val and Franklin are miracles. But all of those months, having the complications that I did, and not knowing if they were going to be okay…It was the worst feeling of my life. I loved them dearly, but no amount of science or mutant ability could help them. It was just out of my hands. I had to do what I could and then sit by and watch it happen.” She sighs. “So I do understand some of what your feeling. The hard facts are that you can’t do anything. You can’t fight this for him, you can’t give him something to make it better- you’re stuck. You just have to watch it happen.”

I feel like I shouldn’t be listening. I don’t want to listen. But I feel an odd sensation of being drawn to this room. I’m not fading back. They’re not… they’re not pulling me back. I’m allowed to stay. I don’t understand…

“And you’re saying that’s normal.” He says seriously.

“Yes.” her voice moves again. “God… this tattoo covers up so much of his chest. It must have cost a fortune.”

I’ve been here too long. I can feel the others stirring. They’ll notice my absence. But that unknown feeling makes me want to stay. I don’t want to be alone. The truth is that I am frightened. I’m as helpless as any of them. If I leave, I go back to being helpless.

“He’s thinking something.” Sue comments. “The machine’s a little more active right now.” She makes a small grunt of effort. “God this would be easier if he would unlock his legs.”

“Can’t you.. make him?”

“Don’t!” Sue says quickly. “No, we can’t force him. Something will break before he yields.”

Logan’s silent for a second. “How long will he stay locked up like that?”

Sue laughs near me. “It’s a mystery. This isn’t the worst case. Some cases of catatonia come with very odd postures. Like patients holding an arm to the side for hours and hours. He seems to just want to sit here…. we can’t even get him to lie down. We have to keep the bed like that for a reason. I’d prefer if he were laying down, personally. Then he’d look like he was sleeping… Listen to that machine. I think…”

“What?” Logan sounds tired right now. No fight left in him. It’s a scary sound.

“I don’t want to get anyone excited… but I think something is about to happen.”

Shapes start being clearly defined in front me. I can.. see? I’m not just hearing the room anymore.

This is new… not unwelcome… but new. I haven’t seen anything but the dark in weeks. The room’s a little too bright because of it.

“MM-hmm.” She says happily. “Logan- were his eyes open before?”

I can see Sue, but not Logan. I guess he’s too far away. “I don’t think they were...” he sounds very cautious.

“I didn’t think so.” Sue smiles a little. I can make out her face… but not much else. Things are still really fuzzy. “Yea… this isn’t going to take long at all.”

“What do we do now? Is he waking up waking up or is he going to come back in phases?”

“He’ll probably fade in and out for a little while,” Sue says honestly. “But this is still a good sign.”

Logan steps into my line of vision, waving his hand in front of my face.

“Is he following?” Sue asks in the same quiet tone she’s been using.

“He’s tracking…” He affirms.

“Wonderful.” She says brightly. “This is good.”

‘what do you think you’re doing?’ Shifter hisses. ‘you think i wouldn’t notice-“ he goes quiet. ‘you little bastard. you think you’re getting away that easy?’

I can’t talk to him here. I can’t say anything to anyone here.

“Go get another pair of sweats from the closet,” Sue says while looking at me. “You are going to stay with me, you hear me? We need you to stay here…”

‘mongrel, i know you hear me! i’ll tear you to shreds. i’ll forcibly drag you back!’

Shut up Shifter. I need… I need to listen. I need to do something. Things are moving faster now. Almost too fast.

“Okay… we’re going to get you dressed and then we’re going to go get Reed, alright? You need to stay awake for that.”

Yes. I can do that. Stay awake. Let them wake me up fully.

Sue makes sure I’m dressed before addressing me again. “Okay… Logan’s going to stay here while I step outside and call Reed.” She turns to my father. “Watch him. Use the intercom if anything else happens.”

“Gotcha.”

She leaves quickly.

I can’t talk. I can’t feel. But I can see. I guess the rest will come back soon enough. No more black. Not now anyway.

 

Logan stays near the head of the bed. “Had to keep us on our toes, didn’t you?” He chuckles a little bit.

It’s actually just the slightest bit comforting.


	10. No Use

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looong ass chapter here. Most of it's boring explanation of stuff. Sorry. Had to put it in there somewhere. 
> 
> Side note: in no way am I saying that mental health care facilities are 'bad' or like 'a horror movie'. In this story, in this particular place- they happen to be. This is no way says anything about the ones in real life. :)

Day of extraction

 

Knocking… persistent knocking at that. Why won’t they stop? It’s so fucking loud.

Johnny doesn’t move to answer the door, he continues to let me lay on him without disturbing me.

It’s cold in here- like I like it to be. Johnny makes sure that everything is how I want it. Dark and cold. The balcony doors are always open, letting us see the flurry of snow falling outside- The cold doesn't bother him, of course. His internal body heat is so scorching that sometimes I can't even touch him. He begs me to let him close the window and make me warm. I’m fine, though. It’s relaxing.

Snow ends up falling in the open door. Landing on a pile of discarded clothing and melting in an instant.

Tenth knock.

“Too loud.” I murmur. He says something soothing in response.

I like this position. I can hear his heart beating, hear him exhaling- I know he’s there. A solid anchor in a fluid reality.

Johnny sighs. He kisses my head and maneuvers me off of him, standing to his feet.  
“ I’ll be right back.” He’s at the door now. “Don’t go anywhere… okay, Daken?”

They’ve done the last procedure. It… I don’t know how to describe it. It finalized everything. Sealed my fate- as it were.

Johnny’s talking downstairs with someone. Two someone’s from the sound of it.

I can hear exactly what they’re saying, but it doesn’t make sense to me.

Johnny’s trying to be loud. He wants me to leave. They’re here to take me somewhere.

It doesn’t matter.

Nothing does.

Here- there. Such simple terms. Why bother? Existing is a futile experience. You just… do it until you don’t anymore. I’ve given up on that. I’m going to stop existing.

I stabbed Johnny the other day. I didn’t know it was him- I couldn’t know it was him. Master was there and I was protecting myself and then he was gone. Johnny was curled on the floor trying not to make any sudden movements.

I hid from him for the rest of the night. Got him the first aid kit and then hid. He let me go for a while, but around one in the morning, he tracked me down and made me come to bed. He smelled like blood. His voice was pained when he spoke.

He told me he was going to go see Reed… to fix it. That I had to promise to stay in the bedroom until he got back.

All I could think about was master’s laugh. He told me to hurt him. He’s badgered me about it for months. And… he finally made me do it.

Johnny came back the next morning. Patched up, smiling, taking some low-grade pain killers. He was fine. He assured me that everything was fine.

The voices are moving up the stairs. Past the ragged door that leads to the room. It’s barely there. Johnny had to hold it closed to keep me in the room the other night. I couldn’t think straight. The door made me angry… I slashed at it until it was barely there. When the moments passed and my head cleared, I was just tired. Flashbacks- that’s what Johnny calls them. I have ‘flashbacks’ and reenact them.

Fury. Samson. Johnny.

Three scents that are never supposed to be together.

Johnny says something to me after they talk some more. I even say something back- but I can’t remember.

Samson, I do hear, however. He wants to sedate me. He says it will make the ride easier… and then something about making escape harder. Why would I want to escape? What do they plan on doing?

Johnny says a few more things, his voice is angry and shocked at the same time.

Then there’s blackness.

\--------------------------------

I wake up strapped to some sort of gurney. They assure me that it’s standard procedure.

Being immobile I can’t see much. What I can see- I’m not liking very much. The walls are a filthy gray color. Some of the corners on the ceiling are spotted with mold…. It smells like decay.

Upon noting my consciousness, one of the people over me started to insist that I be sedated again.

“We don’t have the right equipment.” She berates. “If he decides to become violent we’ll all be dead.”

The woman sounds a bit older than middle aged. She has a stern, cold sounding voice. I’m starting to think that she’s not going to be pleasant.

“Where-“

“Quiet.” Fury orders. “The grownups are talking.”

But...

“Where’s Samson?” I try. 

He's my doctor. I feel like I should see a doctor. 

“He’s busy. You’ve already been assessed. We’re getting you a room- that’s all you need to know. I don’t have time to play twenty questions with you. Once I’m gone, the good nurse will explain everything.”

“He’s regaining consciousness faster than the others, Fury. You said he would be out of it! Now, what am I going to do if he tries to pull something with his powers?”

“He’s not a telepath or anything.” Fury snorts. “His powers are all close ranged attacks- you follow? Just keep his arms restrained- and you’ll be fine.”

“You are aware that we can only keep a patient restrained for two hours at a time.” She says darkly.

“Like that stops you.” He scoffs.

“It’s the law-“

“As his guardian- I’m giving you an override. It’s in his, and your staff’s, best interest if he can’t move.”

“Exactly how dangerous is he?” Her voice is firm. She will take no nonsense from him- or anyone I’m willing to bet. I almost want to congratulate her… but I have the gut feeling that  this woman and I will not be in good standing with each other.

“Right now- not very. He’s strapped down.” Fury says in a wistful way. “We’re working on alternative means of keeping him docile. By this time tomorrow, you’ll have nothing to worry about”

“Alternative-“

“Well, you can’t medicate him into oblivion like the other patients.” Fury says pointedly.

“There is no proof that any of our patients are on a dosage high enough-“

“Oh please. Look, lady, I know what you do here. That’s why I repeatedly hand pick this place for S.H.I.E.L.D’s more ‘delicate’ cases. You’re so far undercover that no one will ever come looking for them or check in on you and your practices. That’s good. That means that you can treat your patients however the fuck you want… I just need this particular one to stay out of sight and mind- got me? I don’t care how this happens, I’ll sign whatever paperwork needs to be signed- just make sure he isn’t heard from.”

The woman’s voice falters. “Of course.”

“I want a list of procedures in the next five minutes. Things we can do to ensure that if things go south- he won’t be able to talk about it.”

“Are you suggesting that we purposefully inflict mental trauma onto a patient?” The woman’s voice is dark, but she doesn’t seem that offended.

“I’m suggesting you do exactly what I’m paying you to do.”

“May I ask what’s got you so frightened that you feel mentally scarring another person is an acceptable response?”

“Capes.” He says simply. “He’s wolverine’s boy. Got himself involved with the Fantastic Four…. And a certain member seems like he’s going to be a pest.” He sighs. “Fucker threw a fireball at the back of my head today.”

“hmm.” the woman leans over the gurney. She’s wearing way too much makeup. Looks like something out of a horror movie. This whole place is screaming horror movie. “What symptoms do you want us to cultivate to their prime?”

God. She’s done this before. They’ve done this before. I’m going to end up like someone else… locked away, in this hell hole and never heard from again. Surely someone will stop this. Fury will change his mind. He has to. He’s one of the ‘good guys’ right? I don’t have anything on him. Why would he do this? He has no reason.

“Well…” Fury drawls. “He’s hallucinating pretty often. Having some nasty ‘episodes’. He stabbed his caretaker on accident a few nights ago because of it. He’s lethargic… somewhat dazed most of the time. I think you could push him into being mute- that’d be a nice change.“

“What are you talking about?” I demand. I have to do something. Say something.

The walls and ceiling smell old here. The hallways are cold. Drops of water echo from where the ceiling is leaking… did I really see another doctor? Am I really this bad off? I wasn’t hurting anyone. Not actively, anyway. Did I do something that I can’t remember? Have I lost more time? Did something bad happen? Why aren’t they letting me talk?

“I’ve told you to shut up.” Fury gives me a withering look.

 

The woman looks between us before saying, “We can work with those ailments. With the correct stressors and some ‘creativity’ ,we can push him just a little farther… from the sound of it, he doesn’t have that far to go anyway.” She moves away. “Of course the procedures to do this are going to be highly illegal and unorthodox.”

“Is that so?”

“And of course S.H.I.E.L.D. will have no say in his release… just like all the others. Once we get him and do what you’re requesting- he can’t leave. He’ll know too much.”

“We do get a final say.”

“NO-“

“Do you want this money- or not?”

She sighs in an irritated manner. “Fine. But I want a written agreement that we will not be dragged into the line of fire if things ‘go south’.”

“Granted.”

“Wait-“

“Hush.” Fury shushes me like I was some kind of child. I barely enough energy to speak as it is. Why won’t he let me speak?

The woman regards me for a few moments before turning back to Fury. “And… as far as him knowing where he is? Will he be able to repeat anything from the ride over?”

“Nah.” Fury chuckles. “We knocked him the fuck out before we brought him here. He has no clue… it’s possible that he could try to escape- but this place is like Fucking Alcatraz. We had to go through five security stops to get to this particular floor.”

“Indeed. Then, now that that’s discussed, let’s talk payment.”

“No. We’ll talk procedures. Tell me what you can do… off the record. I’m not leaving until I’m sure that this is being handled from every angle.”

“Off the record? We have some… antique equipment that we occasionally use on our more chronic patients. This facility is very dated- as I’m sure you’ve noticed over your several visits. We have the means for ECT, hydrotherapy… all sorts of drills and devices for blood letting… you name it- we’ve got it. One of the doctors happens to be a collector. She’s under the impression that some of the older methods are the best.”

This is stupid. Borderline idiotic. I let them do this to me. This is bad. This will not be pleasant… and I don’t remember much from the way in. So I don’t know how to get out. If they would just unstrap me… I could use my claws... I flex them against the hardboard I’m restrained to. I can get them to extrude maybe an inch before the discomfort of them being pushed back in by the material is too much. Metal. I’m laying on metal. They… They knew I would try.

“What the hell?! The woman screeches. “We can’t house someone with weapons built INTO their hands! What were you thinking??”

“Calm down! I told you, we’re working on that. I found a nice young man who’s going to take care of everything. He’s requesting a pretty penny… and he’ll need somewhere to stay nearby. If you have-“

“We have staff dormitories that are very well tended to.” She says breathlessly as she runs a hand over her neatly pulled back hair. “God. Claws. In his hands.”

“Yes… well, I did tell you that he was Wolverine’s son. You’ll find that certain things are genetic.”

“And what of him? He’s not going to come after his only child?”

Fury smirks. “The old bastard's dead. Shame. He was a good man. Hard to believe that this train wreck came from him.”

“Train wreck?” I ask weakly.

“A few hours ago, you weren’t even lucid. I have no idea how you’re even talking now.” He snaps. “Give it a while. It’ll hit you again. I saw how you acted back at the hospital the other week. I’ve read the case notes. So I know just how fucked up you are in here.” He emphasizes this with a tap to my forehead. “You don’t have anyone fooled. And now there are no bleeding hearts to get in the way of us doing what has to be done. You’re a practical man. Surely you understand that letting you go free just wasn’t an option.”

“You promised that I could go.” This is a weak argument. It sounds weak to my own ears. "There were witnesses. We have a contract."

“I also promised that nothing would happen to you.” He smiles darkly. "As far as the contract... well that's between four people. You- who no one will believe, Johnny- who will behave because I've taken you into custody, Samson- who's already washed his hands of this, and me. I'm thinking it's a safe bet that that little bit of information stays underground."

“If you’re done antagonizing him…” The woman clears her throat. “Your acquaintance is welcome, as long as he solves our problem. If the problem still exists by this time tomorrow, then you’re going to have to find alternative ways of storing him.”

“Fine.” Fury looks down at me. “Just do what I told you. Within a week I want him completely mute.”

“Fine.” the woman mimics Fury’s earlier statement. “I suppose this is where you take your leave?”

He nods. “I’ll be in touch, though. Extensively.”

“Wait!” I have to say something.

“So talkative today. This is the most I’ve heard you speak in a while. And I’m guessing it’s to lodge a further complaint about your placement here.” Fury smirks. “Too late kiddo. Sorry. Maybe after you’ve been here a few months, we can find somewhere a bit nicer. You know- once your brain adjusts to its new state.”

“You can’t leave me here! I want to speak to someone-“

“I’m your guardian now.” He sounds smug. “I say it’s in your best interest if you’re in a long-term care facility. We’ll spin it around that way in the superhero circles. Wolverine’s little boy lost his damn mind doing something heroic. It’ll look nice for you. Good ol’ director Fury had to step in and make sure he didn’t hurt himself, seeing as he was near catatonic when found and very, very suicidal. That will look nice for me. And then we rushed him to a hospital to have him assessed only to discover that his stay would be an indefinite one. That’s the best part of all. Heroic. Tragic. And you finally get some good press. Think about it. You’ll have a long time while you’re in here… I’ll let you know how everyone takes the news.” He turns back to the horribly made up women. “Go get him processed. Lock him up. The furthest wing you have from the entrance would be your best bet. My ‘agent’ should be along shortly. He’s been instructed to find you- Nurse Collins. So if he gets lost… give him a hand would ya?” He disappears from my line of vision. I never thought I’d miss seeing his glaring face… but compared to this woman he’s leaving with me, I do.

“And what does he look like?” She asks at Fury’s retreating back.

“He’s a shape shifter.” Fury calls back. “He looks like whatever he wants to look like. He’ll approach you. Don’t worry about it.”

“Wonderful.” The woman says under her breath as he disappears. “Jack, if you wouldn’t mind getting off of your ass and helping me with processing..” she growls louder. “Really, having to push this damn cart… it’s hard on my back. Get over here. Take over.”

Who is she talking to? I haven’t heard anyone else-

“Yes, ma’am.” Suddenly there’s a man standing beside her. “God. Nick Fury creeps the hell out of me,” he says quietly. “I hate it when he comes here.”

“Hence why you were going to sit back and leave me to do all the heaving lifting.” She grouses.

“He scares me.” The man insists. “Scares me in the ‘do what I say or end up locked up with the patients’ sort of way. And he’s never happy. If he’s not smirking- you don’t see any emotion at all.”

“You work with sociopaths and psychopaths, Jack. Why would that bother you?”

“I’ve never seen that kind of reaction to things on someone who wasn’t a patient.” Jack says defensively.

“Ya.. well it’s not usual a happy occasion when we see him. Especially after that one patient was found innocent… and we had him here for a good three years. Fury had a lot of covering up to do.”

“What happened to the patient?” I ask before I can stop myself.

The woman smiles. “It’s against policy to talk about patients to other patients.”

‘Patients’ they say. I think a better term would be ‘inmates’. This isn’t a ‘long term care facility’ it’s a fucking asylum. Which.. I suppose are the same thing in some aspects- but the point remains.

I can’t get the metal to budge under my claws. And I’m restricted so tightly that cutting the restraints aren’t an option… my pheromones have been completely unusable for the past month or so… the only thing I seem to inflict is pity. Which could come in handy here, I Suppose… but it’s really not much use to me.

“He’s not putting up a fight like the others.” Jack looks completely average. Not a single discerning thing about him.

“They dosed him with enough barbiturates to take down two or three people.” She laughs. “Besides, they’re all like that when they’re brought in… shell shocked. It takes their poor brains a while to adjust to the new environment. Just give it a few hours. This one looks like a hell raiser. I can see it already.” She clucks her tongue. “Tattoos… that hair- god. This one is going to be a handful… I hate it when he brings mutants. They’re so unruly.”

Wow…

“Got something you’d like to add?” She asks condescendingly.

“Where are we?” It takes a few moments for me to get this out. I know we’re moving. But everything is just a gray blur overhead. Things are starting to go black again. I was hoping that it would hold off until I pieced together where I was and what was going on. I need to know these things. And from what I've heard so far... escape has to happen. I can't stay here. They're going to do things... 'antique' methods of treatment? What does that even mean? How could a modern facility still keep hold of older procedures?

“Someplace safe. Don’t you feel safe?” She sounds like she’s mocking me.

“Tell me where I am.” I demand, trying to get a better look at her as she pushes me further into the building.

“All you need to know is that you're safe. All of our patients are very, very well cared for. Other than knowing that- you have no need for further information.”

“Tell me where I am!” I end up yelling at her. Panic is setting in enough to start overloading my other emotions. She won't answer the question. She doesn't want me to know.

“Currently- the south wing. We’ll process you as quickly as possible and then move you to one of the more ‘secure’ parts of the establishment.” She isn’t phased in the slightest. “Let’s see… room 145 for processing. Get you some clothing. I can’t believe they brought you in dressed like that… barely dressed that is. Towards the end things like clothes just don’t matter much- do they? Good thing they thought to pack a bag for you… ” She turns her head. “Jack, who else is working today? I’ve barely seen anyone.”

Wait… Think. Think past the drugs in your system. “A doctor.“ That comes to me suddenly. I should have seen a doctor. They can't place me without an official diagnosis. I try to keep the woman’s attention on me, but she couldn't care less. It's like I didn't even speak.

“I think some of the girls are supposed to be working on the women’s ward… but they’ve been slacking off. We’re down to one patient over there now.”

“One, huh? What happened to the other two?”

“Didn’t survive the lobotomies Doctor Lewis ordered. Well… they survived. But their state was deplorable. The doctor thought it best if they were humanely put out of their misery.”

“Shame. Those poor girls are going to lose work over this. Someone might even be fired.”

THAT’S what she cares about? One of their doctors just killed two people!

“I need to see a doctor.” I try again.

The nurse cuts her eyes to me. “Oh, no need for that dear. We know what’s wrong with you and we know just where to put you.”

“You don’t know what’s wrong with me!” I attempt to struggle, but it’s ultimately pointless. “You’re just doing what Fury told you to! I want to see a fucking doctor!”I'm so scared. I don't care. I have to stay focused. I have to talk. I have to struggle.   
  
Johnny.... 

Johnny will come for me. He won't let them do this. He... 

I have to do something. 

“Mm… he’s got a mouth on him. Doesn’t he Jack?”

“Yup.” The man seems a little uneasy. He’s not as used to this as the woman.

“Let me see a doctor!“ I beg. 

“I’ve already told you- don’t worry. All of this anxiety isn’t good for you. You’re safe- That’s all that matters. You'll have a place to stay, we'll feed you, we'll take care of everything. So the doctors aren’t really that important. They’ll get to you tomorrow morning. And trust me, you’ll be much happier before they do. You don’t want to be getting their attention before it’s time.”

“Nurse Collins-“ Jack seems a little hesitant to say this. “Should you really be warning him-“

“Jack, I’m talking to -” She shushes. “Let’s see…” she reaches for something attached to the gurney. “Didn’t get your name. Hold on… Not that it will be important. We don’t really bother much with them around here. You’ll know when we’re talking to you. You won’t find a lot of company here, you see.” She goes quiet for a second. I can hear the clicking of her heels across the tile. A nurse in heels? Very 60-ish. “Daken… that a code name or something?”

“No.”

“That’s your real name.” She says in a disbelief.

“Yes.” I have to resist the urge to growl at her.

“Your father named you Daken?”

“Will you drop it?” This is a growl.

“Touchy.” She mocks. “Fine. You don’t want to talk about- you don’t have to talk about it. The doctors will see that you do all the talking you need to.” She smiles. First, she's saying they're not important. Then she's saying that they're going to make me talk. This isn't my normal unprovoked confusion. This would be confusing to anyone.

The two people over me go silent for a while. The ceiling gets darker and darker… the mold getting more and more prominent.

“Where are you taking me?” This is almost a whisper. I’m tired already. I know this isn't going anywhere pleasant. I've picked up a few human scents beyond my new 'caretakers'. As we pass rooms, they smell sickly. I can hear people whispering to themselves as the nurse goes by. They do not like this woman. Some of them even fear her.

“Somewhere safe. Out of sight. Where you can rest.” She smiles. “The best medication is resting in some cases. Of course, we had to get special accommodations for you. You're a little too... unnerved to be around the other patients. So we've got you a wing all to yourself- so you can get all the rest you need.”

“I don’t need rest- please,” I try to gather what energy I can to attempt to manipulate some kind of emotion from the woman. Pity me. feel bad- change your mind. Something. Anything.

“What the-“ she stares at me angrily. “So that’s one of your little tricks, huh? You’re a god damned telepath after all? Thinking you can get inside of someone else’s head whenever you want??”

“NO- I’m not-“ Oh shit. She caught on quickly. I must have pushed it too fast.

She sneers. “Stop right here, Jack.” She looks down through her heavily colored lids. “Until you learn to behave, I’m leaving you right here.” She turns to the man beside her. “Come on. I’ll not have some lunatic fucking with my brain. Trying to make me as nuts as he is. I don’t think so.”

\------------------------------

Screaming gets you nowhere here.

And I tried.

I haven’t seen a single person since Jack and the Nurse left.

Nothing has a scent past the dampness and decay. The hallway I’m in has a row of dingy windows, all covered with a wire mesh that runs from the top to the bottom. You can see light coming through. There's no snow here. I'm not near home. New York is covered in blankets of snow right now- this can't be near there. There are mountains in the distance. Very little plant life is visible- am I in a desert? Would they go out of their way to move me to the middle of nowhere?

The mold, the setting, that never ending dripping-This isn’t a place for ‘rest’ or ‘recovery’. It’s a tomb. This is a guarded tomb. They’re going to keep me here until I die. Or until they kill me. They could keep me here until it sticks. Or.. just keep me here. Make me stay for decades. I don't have much left in my head after the procedures. I know this. I black out. I lose it. Sometimes I spend days lost. I see things- I hear things. I'm confused most of the time. And unless it's to Johnny, and apparently the people here- I really don't speak that often. I know that I'm not firing on all cylinders right now. I fear that this place, that these people, will push me just that much further.

The nurse doesn’t come back until it’s dark outside the fog covered windows.

I’m tired still. But I can’t go to sleep. I need to stay aware of what’s going on. The darker it gets the worse the atmosphere of the hall gets. It’s cold now. Really cold. I’m regretting not grabbing some other form of clothing before they took me.

Clicks against the tile announce the Nurse’s return.

“I have a little surprise for you. Now that you’ve calmed down so nicely.” She says sweetly. “A visitor of sorts. Just to prove to you that you’re completely safe here. ”

“I’m not ‘safe’ here. I know what you’re trying to do.”

“Look.” She smiles sickeningly sweet.

It takes a few minutes to recognize Johnny standing beside her. He doesn’t look like he did earlier today. He looks calmer. More rested. He’s actually shaved instead of having the stubble he had this morning…

“There you are.” He says in relief. “Fury told me where they were taking you- but they couldn’t get you processed and-“ He stops, getting choked up a little. “You’re okay, right? They're treating you alright?”

“Johnny- what are you doing here?” My voice sounds as shocked as I feel.

“Are you not happy to see me?” He teases slightly. "It took a while to arrange this with Fury, you know. I didn't have to come here. If it's too upsetting for you, I can go."

I’m still shocked. “NO… it’s not that. I just-“ I stumble around with my words for a second. “Where are we? There's no snow outside... it looks like we're in the middle of nowhere-”

“Shh. It’s okay. You’re okay- that’s all that matters. They said I could come and see you pretty much every day. So no worries- right? You’ll settle in for them… and everything will be alright. Fury said that the doctors are going to see you in the morning and they'll see what they can do to help you, alright? You just have to cooperate. That's all.” He smiles warmly.

“You're not angry anymore." I state numbly. "You were furious earlier. Why aren't you now?" When he doesn't respond I try a desperate "We need to leave- now. The conversation they were having with Fury… this place is worse than it seems. People are dying here. You can't let them keep me.”

“Daken, you must have been hallucinating again.” Johnny says gently. “It was just a dream, alright dear? Nothing to worry about. They’re going to take good care of you here.”

He said my name weirdly. Like he couldn't pronounce it correctly. He hasn't done that since we first met...“NO- they’re not. You aren’t listening! You're acting so strange....” Something is off. Why would Johnny be here? Why would he show up now? Why isn't he taking me away from here?

“Baby, relax. That’s nothing to worry about. You’re safe. Don’t you feel safe? They’re going to take really good care of you here. And ya- I'm a little off today. It's been pretty upsetting.”

“ ‘Baby’? You’ve never called me ‘baby’. Or ‘dear’.”

His smile disappears instantly. “You are a suspicious little thing- aren’t you?” very unlike himself. “Nurse… I don’t think he’s in the right state for my visits yet.”

He turns to go.

“Wait!” this comes out panicked. “Wait- don’t go. Johnny, you can’t leave me! Please-“

“Shh. Love. It’s okay. I’m going to be around. They have to get you in a room for tonight, so I have to go. But I’ll be by in the morning.” He gently caresses the side of my face with his left hand... . but he's right handed. This is odd. It's so surreal. My mind is screaming suspicions at me. But it's Johnny. I want him here so badly. And now he is. He's going to take care of me. He's going to make sure these people won't hurt me. “Wow.” He inhales sharply. “Look at you.”

Why would he want to now? I’ve been strapped to this board all day. I haven't showered in a few days- It's not like he hasn't seen me before. He knows what I look like. Why would he bring it up now?

“You’re so beautiful.” He says quietly. “Listen to the nurse’s alright? I’ll definitely come back to see you.”

He leaves. Just like that.

“Wait!” I call after him, but he doesn't seem to hear me. His footsteps get softer and softer until he's gone.

“Oh dear.” The nurse says softly. “Well, we’ll have to see how long that lasts- won’t we? Lovers come and go here… eventually, they give up.”

“What?”

“Dear, no one can stay with someone has far gone as you. Surely you know that.”

“I’m not-“

‘yes, you are.’ master seems to have awoken. I knew that I’d been to clear headed for too long.

“Relax. He’s going to come back tomorrow. You’re going to see him again for a little while at least… but right now, we have to get some blood drawn, go through your bag, and get you into a room for the night.”

Quietness overtakes me again. Johnny… here? That can’t be right. Things are moving fast again. Each thought connecting to another thought before morphing out of my control.

I close my eyes just as I start moving again.

Over the next few hours, I’m taken through a series of blood tests and fingerprints and- some things I’d rather not think about.

They take me to a dark, secluded part of the building. The only way to describe the room is cage… like a jail cell. The whole front portion of the wall is a row of iron bars. The nurse finally unstraps me, smiling all the while. “We’ll be by to check on you every few hours.”

“Where are the walls?” Shock doesn’t begin to cover it. I knew this place was going to bad… but this looks uninhabitable.

“You’re a threat to yourself and everyone around you. You need to be monitored closely. So… there are none.” She smiles, pushing me into the room and closing a heavy iron door behind me.

“There’s no bed.” I try again.

“I’m sorry it’s not up to your five star standards.” She scoffs. “But this is what’s here. You’ll get used to it.”

“Where-“

“It’s night time. You should go to sleep. If you’re not by the end of the hour- we’ll sedate you. Got it?”

I tried- but sleep didn’t come. I ended up sedated. Though it was better than having to sit there and face the facts the day had given me.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The present

“You’re doing so well.” Johnny says quietly. “I didn’t think I’d ever get to see you awake again.”

Memories have been flooding through my mind unhampered. I think it’s Master's doing. A swift reminder that I can never really be all here.

“They got you to move a little today… don’t know if you were awake for that part.”

I wasn’t… though I do notice that I’m now laying down as opposed to sitting straight up.

“You didn’t resist them as hard…” He’s got his hand over mine, not really holding it, my fingers won’t cooperate with that yet. But I can see him running his thumb over my knuckles. If I focus I can feel it. “They brought in a few more specialists today. They think you’ll be talking again within the next week. Which is good. You can tell me all about what’s been happening…”

I can. And if no one’s around, I probably will.

“You take your time, though.” He adds sweetly. “No need to rush. Everything will be here when you’re ready.”

He leans over and kisses my hand. “And maybe then we can get you out of this room for a while. There’s a balcony on this floor… it’s not as nice as the one at home- but it’s there.” He smiles. His voice is bright- he’s happy. There are no sad voices anymore. More excitement than anything else. They’ve solved something major. Cracked a code.

I wonder if other patients have to witness this happening as well… if they have to hear themselves be praised for the simplest of actions.

With the other’s it’s getting annoying.

But not Johnny. He’s happy now. If this will make him happy, and keep him happy, then I’m willing to oblige.


	11. Holding You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay... so occasionally I am guilty of writing fluff. And I think this little series I've written is more than overdue for some of it. 
> 
> So here ya go. 
> 
> Fluff. Irredeemable fluff. 
> 
> Kinda a peace offering for what I'm about to do in the next few chapters. ;)

“It’s time to wake up.” The voice is persistent, but soothing at the same time. “Come on Akihiro. Wake up for me, okay?” Pressure is applied to my hand. Someone’s squeezing it a little too tightly. “It’s late in the morning. You’ve been sleeping for way too long.”

There’s something uncomfortable going on with me. My nose is only picking up this plastic smell. I notice that I’m elevated again. They must have positioned me back into a seated position… why would they set me- feeding? That’s it. That smell is a tube. They’ve run it through my nose this time… It’s not pleasant. 

That sensation mixed with the pressure on my hand makes leaving so easy. Shifter and Master can’t hold on to me as tight as they used to.

The room comes into focus slowly. 

I see him. Hair tousled- a little in his face. Blue eyes shining. Lips pulled into an insanely wide grin. 

Johnny is happy. 

I like when Johnny is happy. 

“There you are.” Johnny is leaning over me, smiling. “You okay? You’ve had a rough night. It’s okay if you aren’t.” His hand is still grasping mine like he’s afraid to let go.

“What?” I mumble. “Too tight, Johnny,” I say sleepily.

He continues to smile, somewhat wider than before. “How are you feeling?” His grip goes lax.

“Tired.” I squint as my eyes adjust to the brightness of the room

“Ya. You sound tired.”

“Why are waking me up?” 

He looks over-joyed. “Hold on a sec…” He releases me from his hold a second before a sharp pain registers from my side.

“OW,” I growl at him. “What are you doing?”

“Sorry. Had to.” He looks apologetic. 

"Don't pinch me." I whine. 

"Okay." he promises. "I won't pinch you." 

"Thank you." 

He's still smiling. I'm happy that he's happy. 

I myself feel a strange sense of ease. 

But... I'm tired. 

“Let me sleep… please.”I ask. "We can be happy after I sleep." 

Johnny shakes his head. “You’ve been asleep for a while.” His ever-present grin is somewhat contagious. "We should be happy now." 

“But the others- they’re quiet right now. You don’t understand- I have to sleep when they’re quiet.” I try to explain. "That's just how it works." 

“I understand.” He smiles sadly now. “But you need to stay awake for a while. We have a few questions for you.”

“I can’t answer questions.” I try lamely. “They won’t let me.”

“He doesn’t know yet- does he?” Reed’s voice asks from somewhere behind Johnny. “He hasn’t figured it out.”

Figured what out? 

They.. sound happy too. I'm wondering if there is a gas leak.

“He’ll catch on.” Sue joins the array of voices. Listening I can hear that there are several people in here. “He just woke up.”

“The others have been bothering you?” Johnny asks a little quieter than before.

“Yes. Constantly.” I affirm. "So I should be sleeping." 

“I bet that’s been hard on you. I’m sorry no one could help you.”

“I have to- I have to make them shut up. I can’t see the room all the time. I’m stuck there, in the dark with all of them . I need-“

“Someone should tell him,” Logan says from the side I can’t see very well at the moment. He sounds amused. “He doesn’t have a clue.”

“Let him figure it out.” Sue insists. “We don’t want to push it. Stop interrupting him.”

Push what? What are they talking about?

‘listen mongrel. think about it.’ Shifter hisses. ‘ dumb ass.’

“Stop. Please. I’m trying to think.”

Shifter makes a noise of pure aggravation. What’s he so pissed about today? And why the hell is he alone? Master hasn’t said a word, the nameless ones are being quiet- I can feel them all of course. Like a pressure in the back of my head.

“So you’ve been with them… elsewhere?” Johnny continues. “That must have been fucking terrifying. Could you see them? Could you see anything?”

“Yes.” I yawn. I’m so tired. Why are they all here? It’s so crowded in the room. I can hear each of them- moving, fidgeting, and I swear- chuckling a little amongst themselves. “I saw them. And sometimes I saw you.”

“Me?” He sounds happier with that statement. “Awh. If I had known that I would have been dressing a little better.” Johnny laughs. “I’ve been so worried about you that I’ve been slumming it for a while.”

“I saw your face… not your clothes.” I feel like this is weird. Something is off…

“You sound so tired.” He repeats from earlier, I feel like he’s putting a lot of emphasis on that statement. “You look tired too. Maybe you should sit up a little further? Wake up some more.”

“No hints, Johnny...” Sue admonishes. “Let him figure it out on his own.”

“Alright.” The man sighs. “No hints.” He turns to me. “I can’t give you any hints.” He repeats. “But I can answer your questions if you have any. And then maybe you’ll fig-“

“Johnny,” Sue warns. “On his own. Alright? Let him do it.”

“Argh. Let me see what I’m ALLOWED to say to you.” He says sarcastically. “How about this-You saw a specialist today… it’s got to be your two-hundredth one in the past month.” Johnny continues, looking directly into the eyes of his sister he says, “He had some really good news for you this morning. After he spent some time observing you a while you were sleeping. Really good news. It should make you really happy.”

“What part of ‘on his own’ do you not get, Storm?” Logan snorts. “Don’t push it on him. We don’t want to be knocked back to square one.”

Square one? Knocked back?

I’m confused. I don’t… this is the usual amount of confusion for the dark. It’s usually not a problem in the room. I get to lay here while they all work around me.

“Johnny- what is going on? Please. I need you to explain it to me.”

“Hey.” He puts a hand on the side of my face. It’s cold. I almost want to pull away.

"Why are you cold?" I ask , unease creeping into my voice. 

He smiles. "Toning it down." He explains. "For you." 

"Johnny." Sue snaps. 

"What? That wasn't a hint!" He groans. 

God this whole room is freezing. I try to pull the blanket up a little further. After struggling for a few seconds, I finally pull warm cloth up my chest. 

“It’s okay. Alright? Things are going to be okay. No need to get upset…” He smiles warmly. “Speaking of upset- we really need to know how you’re feeling. We don’t want you to slip up and hurt yourself again. So I need you to be honest.”

“I’m a little confused,” I admit. “Please- go get someone. I can’t make out what’s going on.”

“Everyone’s already here.” He smiles again. “Don’t worry. We’ll help you figure it out.”

Something starts to hit me. How did he know-

“Who’s ‘everyone’?”

“Me, Reed and Sue, and Logan.”

“What are you all doing here?”

“You don’t have a clue.” He says a little shocked.

“Johnny.” The other three say at the same time.

“I mean- is this normal?”  
“Is what normal?” Now I’m starting to worry a little.

“Completely.” Reed assures.

“You have any questions for anyone?” Johnny asks when he turns back to me.

“What happened to X? If this is ‘everyone’ where is she?”

“She’s with the kids right now.” Logan answers, his voice still holding just a hint of humor. “You really don’t know what’s going on do you son?”

“Logan!” Sue snaps. “You were just getting on to Johnny about this.”

“Give him a minute… he just needs a little push.” Logan puts his hand up to shush the woman. “He’s going to get it. I know he’s almost there.”

“I don’t-“ I stop halfway through. They can hear me. They’re responding to me. Either I’ve gained a new power set, or I’m-

“Starting to get it yet?” Johnny asks sweetly. “I can see that you’re catching on. I guess you’ve gotten used to hearing yourself. It must be a little weird for us to be responding to you.”

“How-“ is it telepathy? Am I still sleeping? What’s going on?

“Easy.” He beams as he says this, motioning with his free hand for me to calm down. “It’s real. You’re not asleep…. Not hallucinating.” Johnny raises an eyebrow. “You’re lucky if I ever let you sleep again.”

I’m saying things- and they’re hearing me.

I’m... awake? I haven’t been ‘awake’ for nearly a month.

How the hell did this happen? I’m not complaining, but I’d like to be in the loop on this. What did they do?

“ Now that that’s out of the way, do you have any questions?” Johnny seems to be the one doing the most talking. I’m okay with that. He never lies to me. I can trust him.

“What happened? What did they do to me?”

“Nothing.” He answers, hand still on my face. He wants to feel… to see that I’m really here. His touch is grounding for me. I can feel. I can speak… I’m not locked up anymore. “You started this last night-early this morning , somewhere around there. Outta nowhere while you were sleeping. All on your own. No one prompted you, no one was in your head, Logan was actually just about to leave the room when you began. You had a bit of an episode while you were sleeping… normally this would be bad- but it kind of drove the point home that you were coming to.”

The room is much better when it’s not distorted. Nothing is holding me… I’m free. I can move. I can talk. I try to get up, but Johnny gently puts a hand on my chest. “Not yet.” He soothes. “You’re going to be a little weak and you’re still hooked up to a lot of tubes and wires”.

"The feeding tube smells." I complain. 

The room laughs. 

"Well, we recently filled it." Reed informs. 

My throat and mouth do feel weird. 

"It smells like processed vegetables." 

Johnny smiles. "It's peas. Your brain monitor picked up activity when we fed you the green stuff. It's peas." 

"I don't like peas." 

That get's more laughs. 

"Oh you poor thing." Sue says happily. "No more green." She turns to Reed. "Put it in his notes?" 

"No green." Reed repeats. 

"I told them you'd like the orange." Johnny says in a hushed tone. 

"Carrots?" 

He nods. "It's the closest thing we could have gotten to a salad. I know you like salads." 

This is a little overwhelming.   
  
"Can we take it out?" 

"In a bit." Johnny promises. "We've got to get some stuff out of the way." 

"What stuff?" 

"Questions." Reed moves closer to the bed. "If you'd please answer them for me." 

"I have questions." I say instead of agreeing. 

"Of course." He looks at me with a look of patience. 

"What happened?" 

"With the whole thing or your waking up?" 

I have to think about it. "Start at the beginning?" I offer. 

He nods. "Well, you see, there was an after effect of the procedures. Your mind had to shut down for a bit... subsequently trapping you inside of it. It wasn't normal catatonia." he pauses. "And... there's a likelihood that it will happen again." 

"Happen again?" 

"Repeatedly." Reed says. 

"Oh." 

He nods. "Your illness... we're not sure if it's one... or a combination of several." He looks at the chart. "But we're leaning towards it being 'one'. It's new. It will never exist outside of you. The conditions will never be recreated." 

"Romulus-"   
  
"You were a weapon." Logan says in a tone I can't decipher. "You were never meant to do anything but serve him. You were never meant to be undone." 

I wasn't. 

"Any telepath with enough power and know-how could have undone it." Reed continues. "Rather quickly, as well. You were..." He stops. 

"A time bomb." Johnny fills in. "You were a walking time bomb." 

We're all quiet for a moment.

Johnny scoots my hand over and takes a seat beside me on the bed. He strokes the side of my face, fingers warmer now. “You need anything?”

“I’m cold.” Is all I can think to say.

“Ya? We’ve been keeping the temperature in here lower- trying to get you to react.” He reaches down and messes with the blankets some. “We’ll turn the heat on in a few minutes.” He turns back to the small crowd of people. “Can we get another blanket?”

“Mark that down. He’s reacting to temperature as well as pain.” Sue says, sounding happy again as she walks over to the supply closet and retrieves another off-white blanket. “Here you go, Johnny.”

He nods his thanks and covers me up quickly.

“How good is your eyesight?” Johnny asks after he’s satisfied with how the blanket is laying. “Can you see the room now or are you still ‘there’?”

"Are these the questions?" 

"These are the questions." He nods. "They're all really simple- I promise. None of the hard hitting stuff today." 

I nod. 

"So can you see?" He asks gently. 

“I can see.” And I can. The room is stark white like it always was. IT doesn’t look as daunting when it’s not blurred.

“Good.” He removes his hand from my face and holds it out in front of him. “Can you take my hand?”

With all these people here? I give him the glare that he deserves.

“Come on.” He encourages. “They won’t mind. Take it.”

Sighing, I put my hand in his. He laughs a little.

“There’s no need to be shy… everyone in this room has seen their fair share of you over the last few weeks.”

“Mark down his movement as well, dear.” Sue says. I guess Reed is making notes. “Are you experiencing any stiffness?”

“No.” I’m still trying to sort out I feel about them all having been in close, personal contact with me.

“Wonderful. We’ll check on the rest, your powers and such when you’re feeling a little more stable.” Reed says in a very authoritative voice. “For the time being, I’m going to kindly request that you refrain from using your claws an anyone, including yourself. Alright? We don’t want to have to keep you tied to this bed.”

Things are going very quickly now. Too many scents. Too many sounds- too damn many people.

“Can we… slow down? I’m… confused.”

“It’s a lot to take in.” Sue comforts. “We’ll help you as much as we can. Tell me, are your friends active right now? Can you ‘see’ them anymore?”

‘no. because the little mongrel wasn’t man enough to stay with us. had to go running back to his little ‘family’.’ Shifter sneers.

“They like the dark.” I respond quietly. 

“Alright. We’ll keep that in mind.”

“They’re talking, though.”

“I figured they would be.” She smiles sadly. “I hope you understand that you're becoming aware again has done nothing to affect them. You may even feel a little better right now- but the truth is that this won’t last- okay? Don’t be upset when you become… well upset. We’ve learned a lot about your illness… or illnesses- for lack of a better word- while you were ‘gone’. We’ve talked it over with some specialists… and we have a clue as to how to treat it. But it is still very much there.”

Like I need reminding.

"Is it... permanent?" I have to ask. I have to know.   
  
There's silence. 

"Well?" 

Logan nods. "Yea." He says. "Yea, it's permanent." 

"Oh." 

Johnny strokes the knuckles of the hand he's holding. 

"Hey," He says gently. "Look at me?" 

I don't know why I find that order hard to comply with.

"Look at me." he repeats. "UP, up, up." When I met his gaze it's so soft. So, so, heartbreakingly gentle. "You're okay." He soothes. "You're more than okay. You're great." 

"You're just sick." Sue picks up. 

"I'm sick." I repeat. 

“So we’re going to have people with you pretty much around the clock… we’re going to avoid restraining you unless you absolutely make us- alright?” Sue smiles again. “We’re really trying to work with you. We hope you’ll do the same for us.”

“Right.” Reed claps his hands in front of him. “Now.. I’d like to unhook you from some of these tubes… We want to remove the feeding tube so you can move around. We’d really like for you to try ingesting something on your own. After you’ve been up for a while and we’ve determined whether or not you’re going to cooperate- we will decide whether or not to reinsert it. The IV as well can be removed- if you’re willing to make sure that you keep yourself hydrated. As for the monitors, we’ll only keep them on while you’re sleeping.”

They make quick work of unhooking me. The IV bleeds a little more than a normal wound would… the metal being taken into account. The tubing is the most upsetting part. Topped only by the catheter… which honestly hurt more on the removal than anything else.

When I’m completely unhooked, they stand back and watch for a few seconds. I don’t know what they’re observing… but it’s fucking creepy.

“Can you leave?” I venture. Being unhooked was a little… degrading. I’d like to have some headspace.

Reed laughs abruptly. “Of course. You probably want some privacy while you adjust… Someone has to stay with you, though. I’ll let you pick who-”

“Johnny.” I cut him off. “Just him.”

“Alright.” Reed nods. “Johnny, if things get a little… weird, call me.”

They empty out a little slowly. Logan being the last to leave. As if when they all go, he’s afraid that I’m going to collapse or something.

When the door closes, Johnny holds his hand out to be again.

Not knowing what he’s up to, I take it. He pulls me forward on the bed a little, before letting go. Then he lowers the side railing and pulls himself onto the bed. Readjusting until he’s behind me.

“What are you doing?” I ask.

“Shh.” He puts his arms around me and pulls me against him. “I haven’t got to touch you since they brought you here.” He explains after a few minutes. “You’ve been hurt, and scared, and I haven’t been able to do a damn thing about it.”

He rests his chin on the crook of my neck.

"Johnny." I sigh. "Johnny- I...." I want to tell him I love him. 

"You what?" 

I look at him over my shoulder. His takes one of my hands in his and puts his free hand on my shoulder. "I love you." I say quietly. 

He smiles ear to ear. "I love you too." He kisses my neck. 

We're quiet for a few moments. 

“You’re so cold.” He comments.

“You pulled the blankets off.” I remind him.

He laughs a little before his skin becomes just a little bit warmer. “How’s that?” He questions.

“Please don’t ignite while you’re behind me.” I plead teasingly. 

“I’m not going to ignite.” He kisses the side of my head. “Your hair started to grow in while you were sleeping.” He informs. “I took care of it, though. It looked weird.”

“You shaved my head?”

“Relax. It’s how you left it.” Johnny smirks against my skin. “It was actually really easy- they couldn’t get you to lay down for a long time… so you sat straight up. And you weren’t moving… so even I couldn’t screw it up.”

“Wonderful.”

"Shaved your face too." He smiles. "It didn't need it a lot... which is freaky."   
  
I've never had a beard in my life. Or much facial hair at all come to think of it. 

He squeezes me a little tighter. “You’re lucid right now… mainly because of Rachel’s interference. They weren’t going to tell you that part… but I think you should know. In a few hours, it will wear off. You won’t..” He falters. “You won’t feel so good. I wanted to hold you before then. When it’s not at it’s worst. I know sometimes you think I’m someone else… and that’s okay. I don’t blame you for that. I’m not hurt by it. I just wanted to be able to be with you when your head was a little clearer and you could process that it was me.”

“You sang at night.” I recall.

“Yea… that was me”

“And you snuck in when Logan wouldn’t let anyone else in the room.”  
“So you could hear.” He muses.

“Bits in pieces.”

“What’s the last thing you remember?” Johnny asks a quietly.

“Dark. Shifter and Master were arguing. I was remembering things… nightmares.”

“Hmm. Do you see them in the dark? Like you can actually see forms?” His lips move to the back of my head. He kisses my scalp. 

“Yes.”

My head aches. Things are taking on a slight blur.

“Hey.” He murmurs. “I want to show you something. You have that look on your face that something’s happening. Let me show you before you start to slip.”

He maneuvers us off of the bed. Taking care of my slight instability. Which isn’t being helped by the room distorting itself.

“You’re starting to fade.” He says while I lean on him. “I can tell.”

“.. Yes.”

“Well come here.” He starts to lead us to the door. “Don’t look.” He orders as he types in a code on the panel by the door. I humor him and avert my eyes.

The hall way is warmer than the room was… he half leads half carries me to one of the colder parts.

“You’re not really dressed for outside… so we won’t stay long.”

He punches in a longer code on another panel and then it’s very cold.

“Come on.” He steps through the door and looks back, extending his hand to me.

The outdoor structure is cement. Sturdy. And very high up. Sounds from the city drift up, but they’re distant. He’s right- I’m not really dressed for this. He seems to sense that, and wraps his arms around me again, holding my hands in his while they heat up unnaturally.

“Reed and Sue won’t let you come out here.” He says with a chuckle. “But you’re not going to try to hurt yourself when I’m with you.”

He doesn’t know that. It would be so easy-

He kisses me again. “It’s beautiful- right? You should see it at night when all the buildings are lit up.”

To fly… it would be easy to fly. I peer over the edge of the railing. So far down. A whole world away- To fly.. spread my arms and free fall through the air.

“It’s about a thirty story drop… Why don’t you turn this way instead of looking at it?” He turns me around to face him. His breath comes out in white puffs. But other than that he seems unaffected by the cold.  His hairs a little longer than I remember it being- but it doesn’t look bad. He still has that sharp gleam in his eyes… mischievous. That’s what people would describe it as. He’s still beautiful. One of my worst fears, when I was in the dark, was that I would stay under too long. That when I woke up he’d be gone. He’s not gone. He hasn’t aged at all.

He puts a hand on my chin, tilting my face up- he’s a few inches taller than me, I always forget that.

“I’ll stop if you want me too.” He whispers.

Images come to my mind. There was always a difference between when Johnny kissed me and when Shifter did. Even in Johnny’s form- he didn’t do it right.

“Don’t.”

This isn’t like any of our other kisses. It’s delicate. Fragile even. He doesn’t make any moves to pull away or deepen it. He just moves slowly and deliberately. Taking his time.

He keeps one hand on my face and the over on my back, keeping me away from the ledge of the balcony.

We could keep going. I would stay locked up like this for an eternity if I could.

But that’s not possible, and eventually, he has to pull away.

He remains close to my face, though. Just looking relieved. It’s almost enough to make the world stop spinning. I almost don’t hear the whispers in the back of my head.

“I told you I would wait.” He says.

Master says something vile that I don’t care to hear.

The world blurs a little around the edges… but Johnny’s still there. His hand tightens on my back. I didn’t realize that I was pulling away towards the edge until now.

“No.” He says seriously. “You stay with me, okay? I will not allow you to do anything to hurt yourself- got it?” He waits. “Akihiro?”

“Right. Got it.” I sigh

“Good.” He kisses my forehead. “Reed’s going to want to make you eat soon… we should get back inside.” He starts to pull away

“Johnny-“ He stops trying to extract himself from me. “Don’t go.” I beg.

He smiles sadly. “I’m not going anywhere but inside.”

“Stay.. here. Like this.” More begging.

He smiles again. “Daken- it’s cold. You’re freezing. We have to go inside.”

“I can’t. They’re worse inside.”

Johnny wraps his arms around my waist. “Okay. We’ll stay for a little while longer.” I’m turned facing him. My head on his chest, I can hear his heartbeat- feel the warmth he’s radiating- he’s probably doing it on my behalf. Since I’m seriously undressed.

“Heh.” He laughs a little. “It’s snowing.”

“I like the snow.”I mumble.

“I know you do. That’s why I pointed it out.”

He continues to hold me, one hand moving up to stroke through my hair in a comforting manner. He doesn’t complain about having to use his powers to keep me warm. Or about holding me like this for a long period of time could get uncomfortable. He just stands there. Occasionally saying something comforting and soothing.

I can’t feel my fingers anymore… but it’s worth it.


	12. Confession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the part where I warn you that there is very sensitive material ahead. I tried to be as delicate as I could so as not to beat you over the head with it- but it's there. Heavy mention of non/con. Not graphic- but heavy. Without giving too much away- there ya go. If this upsets you, or triggers you in anyway- I'd advise for you not to read it. 
> 
> Just keeping y'all informed. :) 
> 
> This one was a bitch to write. But tell me what you think.

“He was fine.” Shifter mumbles. I try not to cringe when I hear him using Johnny’s voice. “I had him on the balcony- he was shaky but fine.”

“Ya.. well now he’s not,” Sue says in a distracted manner. “Daken, come here.”

I can’t. I have to stay low. Stay protected.

“Daken…”

“Why does he keep looking at me like that?” Johnny… shifter… which one? They smell the same. They sound the same.

“My Japanese isn’t the best,” Sue looks at the man who could be her brother- she doesn’t know. He’s got her fooled, “but I’m pretty sure that he’s confused as to who you are.”

“Right… me or-“

“Shifter,” Sue affirms. “Daken- we’d like for you to come out of the corner now.”

“I can’t,” I reply , English is hard to manage right now. So I stick with my native tongue.

“Come on.” She encourages. “You can’t continue to stand there…. it’s been an hour already. Either you move- or we make you. I’m really hoping you’ll come willingly.”

She moves close again, I try to back up, but I'm as far as I can go.

I have to try… to make them back off. You’re frightening. Something to be feared! Make them fear you! I try to push a stream of pheromones. They should be pissing their pants by now.

“Sue…” Johnny- no Shifter. The imposter, says quietly. “Do you feel-“

“Yup. He’s trying so hard, too.” She taps a finger to her lips… seemingly in thought. “I’d love to be able to examine how this particular mutant power works. I know that Jessica Drew had something similar… though I’m not sure as to whether it was a mutant power or not. The topic can be sensitive for some people I suppose and-”

“I remember that.” Shifter cuts her off. “Focus.”

“Daken’s seems to affect everyone…”

“At one point he could make it affect individual people. Now… he kinda just sets it off like a bomb. He lost his ability to focus it when his mind started to ‘slip’. “

That’s not true! What are they talking about? I can control it. They should be scared. Any minute now, and they’ll run from the room. It worked on Shifter once- briefly. Before he figured it out and bashed my head in. Something about that experience has made me a little gun shy about using it.

Any minute. Breathe. Relax. Fear…

No. Not fear. I’m not supposed to be feeling fear- they are. Focus. Breathe-

“Daken..” Sue snaps near my face to get my attention. “Whatever you’re doing isn’t working like you think it is. We can feel you trying to manipulate us- but all we’re getting is pity. If you want us to pity you, then by all means keep trying. But you aren’t scaring us, or making us fight each other- or any of your old tricks.” She clucks her tongue. “Come out of the corner. Let’s talk.”

“I can’t.” I repeat, again in Japanese. English seems to have escaped me.

“You have to… we need to make sure you’re not harmed. Please come out.” She seems to somehow understand me… but she can’t reply back. I bet she’s been talking to my father. It would be like him to teach them bits and pieces of my language. Things that would make it hard for me to have any private conversations.

“What are you trying to do?” Shifter whispers.

“I’m asking him, very nicely, to come out of the corner- what does it sound like I’m trying to do?”

I slide down the wall until I’m seated on the floor. Low is good. Wall to my back. Protected. Need to stay protected. Shifter can’t fool me. I won’t let him fool me. I need to keep Sue in the room. I’m safe if someone else is in the room. God- fear. Push fear. Focus on nothing but the fear. Now push it outward… if I can’t make them feel what I want them to, I’ll just impose what I’m feeling on them.

“And how’s that working for you?” Shifter shakes head behind Sue. “He’s doing it again. Fear this time. You feel that?”

“It’s like getting in the face with emotion. God… it’s terrifying.” Her eyes are wide as her hands fall listlessly to her sides.

Finally… fear. I can work with fear.

“He’s not forcing us to feel anything he’s making up- that’s how he’s actually feeling.” Shifter says smartly, he’s further back. He’s not being hit with the same amount Sue is. “I’ve dealt with him like this before… he’ll give up in a few minutes. Just work through the fear. Don’t stop- once he sees that it’s not affecting you, he’ll stop trying.”

“I… I can’t.” The woman stumbles over her words. “I am legitimately terrified.”

“I know… this one's pretty tough to work through. Just remember that there is a source for it. It’s him. If you can reason with him, he might stop. That’s not going to happen if you’re too afraid to try.”

Sue turns her bright blue, wide blown eyes back to me. “Daken- please.” She stutters. “Get off the floor. It is important that you listen to what I’m telling you. Stop trying to scare us.”

“I can’t.”

“You have to. There is no choice here.” She shudders. “Johnny… I can’t- Oh god. It’s crushing. Why aren’t you-“

“I’m not the one closest to him. And I’ve already found a personal method of working through things like this.”

“You have to leave.” I beg with her.

“What’s he saying?” Shifter inquires.

“He’s… he said I need to leave.” Sue is still looking at me. “Daken- you have to stop. I am trying to help you. If you continue to terrorize me- I will leave you alone and we will wait to see what Reed and Logan have to say on the matter.” She brings her hand up, putting it over her mouth. “My stomach is in knots.” She says to the man behind her. “I think I’m having a panic attack.”

“Daken- stop.” Shifter says sternly. “You heard her- she’s getting sick.”

“Please- leave.” I repeat. “I want to be alone… take Shifter and go. I’m not hurting anyone.”

“You’re hurting me.” Sue says sincerely. “I’m trying to help you. Ease up- alright? You’re scared, I’m scared- we’re on an even playing field now.”

I can’t- I put everything I had into it. She’s feeling exactly what I am! Why is she still here?

“There…” She soothes. “Little more- okay? Ease off just a little more, and I will help you. We will make sure that you are no longer scared.”

“I am always scared.” I confess.

“Could you maybe get him to switch to English?” the man.. the one that looks so much like Johnny… who’s using his form again. How dare he?

“Maybe…” She doesn’t look away from my face. “Johnny can’t understand you right now… would you mind speaking in English?”

“I can-“

“You can’t.” She cuts me off. “Okay. That’s a firm ‘no’ on the language change, Johnny.”

“Ya. He’s saying that a lot… I’m starting to get the gist of what it means.”

“Oh?”

“It means ‘no’, right?”

Sue shakes her head. “Almost. He’s saying “I can’t”. Repeatedly. Honestly, he’s so shook up that he’s not really saying anything too terribly complicated. He’s almost lost me at some parts… but if he’s going to keep speaking in Japanese, we’re going to have to get Logan. It would probably be comforting for someone to be able to hold a conversation without the language barrier causing any hang ups.” She rolls her eyes. “I have a device that Reed made- of course. But it’s a little annoying to use.”

“Leave.” I try to plead with her. Simple words. Simple sentences. Things she would understand.

“We can’t.” Sue says gently. “I know you’re scared- trust me. But we can’t. Leaving you in here like this would be cruel.”

“Making me face him is cruel!”

“Okay… okay. Slow down. Let me work that one out.” She’s quiet for a while. “Something… ‘him’. ‘Face’…” she pulls out a small device out of her pocket and starts to type into it’s keypad. “Alright. Alright. I got you. Let’s see… um- he’s not who you think he is. Understand?”

“You don’t know that because he’s a fucking liar!”

Sue looks back to her little machine. “Never knew how to say ‘fuck’ in Japanese before. Never thought I’d need to.”

“Ya… when he’s upset the language gets a little rougher. I’ve actually learned several handy was to curse in Japanese over the last few months. I pronounce them horribly, but if you piss him off enough, I’ll be able to follow along.”

“I’m not trying to piss him off. Really. I’m just trying to get some fluids in him.” Sue says in an off handed manner. “His body’s become adjusted to taking nutrients again- I don’t want it to go into some sort of shock when he fails to take care of himself. Johnny- maybe you could snap him out of it. It doesn’t look like he’s going to move for me. Be careful, though- try not to be too imposing.”

“I’ll see what I can do.” Johnny/Shifter says quietly. “You got a water bottle or something?”

“Yes.” Something exchanges between them and then there are footsteps near me. I don’t look up… I don’t want to see Johnny’s face and hear Shifter’s words. I couldn’t scare them. They knew my tricks. They knew how to fight them. I can’t- I’m worthless here. I’ve got no footing. No edge. I have to keep this wall to my back… I need something to help defend myself. Like back at the hospital. There was only one part of the cell they couldn’t force me out of. It took a few tries to find it- but if you got low enough at the certain angle where the bars were joined- they couldn’t remove you from the room. You’ve got some bars to hold on to…. And if you do it right, they have to give up.

“Daken…. Look here.” Johnny/Shifter is in front of me now- I got lost in thought. He smells like Johnny. The same shampoo and soap- same deodorant… Nothing is out of place here. But he’s in front of me and all I can feel is panic. I don’t know if it’s him. It might be- it might not be. He’s got a bottle in my face, he himself bent at the waist so he’s not towering over me. “We need you to drink some of this. Just a little bit. Here-“

‘worried it’s me?’ Shifter snickers. ‘it could be. maybe they killed the wrong johnny. maybe i’ve been here the whole time. what do you think about that mongrel? all those intimate moments… shared with me- a complete stranger.’ He cackles after this. ‘well I wouldn’t say ‘stranger’. i’ve seen more of you than most people have. every-“

“Stop!” English. Shifter doesn’t speak Japanese. I have to talk in English. I have to show him that I’m unafraid. He gets worse if I’m afraid.

“And we have English.” Shifter sighs tiredly. “Come on Akihiro. Drink some water- okay? You don’t have to freak out- I’ll even leave after you drink it.”

Master should be here. He should be out in the hall… I’m too afraid to look. Shifter never works alone. He works for Master. And master wouldn’t leave him on his own… he’s coming back for me. They’re coming back for me. They’ve moved out of my head and are going to drag me back into the blackness.

‘inch.’ Shifter finishes before clucking his non-existent tongue. ‘don’t interrupt doggie…. do you get what i’m saying though? are you picking up my cleverly hidden meanings? do i need to spell out what i’m going to do to you? do i need to walk you through what i’m going to do to you? again. and again. because you’re weak. and weakness is not to be tolerated. lay down, shut up, and behave. maybe i won’t call him in here. maybe it only has to happen once.’

“You can’t… I won’t let you.” I almost trip over my own words. “You have to shut up. I’m not listening to you. You HAVE to stop talking. I won’t let you- not again.”

“Won’t let me what?” He raises an eyebrow. “He’s talking to you- not me. You can hear him inside your head…. And you can see that those words aren’t coming out of my mouth. You’re safe. I’m not going to do anything that makes you uncomfortable or puts you in any pain.”

‘ of course, when it comes to us- i didn’t really ever get to see what johnny boy looked like downstairs- had to improvise those inches. i …over-exaggerated, i’m quite sure. i was very generous. and if i remember… you didn’t like it very well. honestly, i thought you were enough of a whore to handle it.’

“Shut up! You’re a liar! Such a fucking…” My head hurts. “Fucking liar.”

“It’s okay. I’m not Shifter- it’s me. Okay? You know it’s me. You were just with me… come on back. Relax and let us help you.” He goes to touch me, but I flinch away.

‘hmmm… ‘relax’ he says. sound familiar mongrel? he’s told you that before… ‘relax. i won’t hurt you. i’d never hurt you like master… you love me. you’d trust me with anything- right?’ and you did trust him. up until he was done with you. after he’d thrown you back in your cage… at least master had the decency to stick around an hour or two before having you removed. he let you process things. rationalize… johnny boy just left you alone- in the dark.’

He’s saying these vile things- and his lips aren’t even moving. I can hear him.

“Get the fuck away from me!” Panic. Fear. They radiate off of me. I can barely smell anyone else over my own fumes. “I know who you are.” I point at him, a part of me remembers that I have claws- but it’s also the part that thinks Master is going to come waltzing in at any moment. “I’m not letting you do it. Not again.”

“Do what?” The man seems confused.

“You know what!” I say brokenly, voice ragged with grief. He does this- he denies it. They believe him… no one ever believes me. Nobody cares. “You always pretend it didn’t happen! I’m not that crazy! I know what was- what was real. YOU! You know what you did! You just told me you were going to do it again! And you can’t- because I’m not letting you. I won’t let you.” I repeat. “I know what you did. You know what you did- and you’re lying. You’re going to make them put me out … you’re going to say I’m too hysterical and then I’m going to wake up in that fucking room again and-“

“Whoa… whoa. Akihiro- no one’s going to hurt you. You’re not going back to the ‘room’. You’re not even being put under. You can relax.” He holds his hand out. “See? NO syringe. There’s no telepath in here- you’re safe. You can act this out to your hearts content- we’re just here to make sure you don’t hurt yourself.”

“You don’t care.” I spit, voice wavering. “If you cared you wouldn’t have done it!”

“Done what? What are you-” Shifter’s eyes shoot to Sue suddenly. “What is he talking about?”

“Johnny…” Sue sighs. “Now isn’t the time for this discussion.”

Some expression that I don’t know filters across his face. “What did I do to you, Daken? What did I do back at the hospital? Or the compound? I was at both- wasn’t I? What did I do?”

“Johnny.” Sue hisses at Shifter. “Don’t do this. He’s confused as it is.”

“He thinks I’m Shifter- and he’s more honest with me than any of you have been. So fine. I’m Shifter. If he needs me to be him to work out whatever’s going on right now- I will. I’m Shifter- a horrible, god awful person, who apparently did something very vile. Something you won’t say anything about.” He looks at me. “What did I do? What did we do? Did I torture you? Did I beat you? What did I do?”

“This could have serious negative consequences.” Sue says heatedly. “You’re about to take this somewhere you aren’t capable of handling. Back down- or leave. Alright? For both of your sakes- back down or exit.” He looks at her with anger filled eyes. “Johnny, for your safety- drop it. We can talk about it later.”

His eyes return to me. “What did I do, Daken? Why are you scared of me?”

“You know why!” He does! HE has to. I know it was real. I remember it so vividly. “Why are you doing this??”

“I don’t know what you're talking about.” Shifter insists. “I’ve done so many horrible things that I really can’t remember. Tell me what I did, and I will go away. I will go away and I will let Johnny come back- alright?”

“Johnny’s dead!” I don’t even know how I’m still fighting with him. My whole body has tensed up. How can he torture me like this? Why is Sue letting him? I thought she was on my side.

“Dead?” Shifter seems genuinely confused. “When did he die?”

“At the compound.” Sorrow… that’s why I was sad. They used drugs and telepaths to make me forget. But that’s what I was mourning when I was brought here. I remember. Johnny… dead. Very dead. They brought in Shifter to lie to me. To keep me calm. And he was good- I believed him. Like back then. He was what I needed him to be.

“Oh…” Shifter looks sad too. “You- You think he’s dead? You saw him die?”

“Johnny.” Sue puts a hand on his shoulder.

“I’m Shifter.” He hisses. “Remember? Johnny’s dead and I’m Shifter. Johnny died back at the compound. They killed him. Keep up- Sue.” He runs a hand through his hair, making the soft blond stick up a little in places. Then he addresses me again. “They killed Johnny. That’s why you were so upset when you came here. You were in mourning- and they wouldn’t leave you alone.”

“This doesn’t have even the tiniest chances of working.” The woman hisses back to Shifter. “And if it does, he’s just going to feel tricked.”

“Right. I remember now.” The man looks at me with a colder expression.. though there’s something different there. Shifter’s upset about something. “You got away. You came here. What happened before then? What did we do at the compound?”

“You know!” I insist.

“I want you to say it. What did we do? What did I do?”

“Johnny-“

“Shifter.” He growls at the woman. “I’m trying to figure something out here and I need to stay Shifter. So call me ‘Shifter’.”

“He can hear you-“

“Panic.” He says firmly. “He’s hearing what his brain wants to hear. I’m Shifter. You’ve been tricked. You’ve all been tricked. Your brother is dead somewhere and I’m his murderer.” He turns back to her and hisses, “Action.”

What? What just happened there… I don’t- Shifter didn’t murder Johnny. Logan murdered Johnny. In front of me. I got to talk to him for maybe three seconds- and I didn’t even talk.

“Shifter-“ Sue says through gritted teeth, “Why don’t you get out of here before Reed comes in and puts this whole thing to rest.”

“I’m talking to Daken.” Shifter says, also through gritted teeth. “What did I do? Why are you scared? I need you to say it.”

“Why?” I can feel my eyes starting to sting.

“Because I want you to.”

“Why do you do this to me? You know what happened. And you deny it! You make them say it’s my fault! Why!?”

“What’s your fault?” Shifter insists.

“You know!” I yell at him.

“I don’t.” His voice stays level. “What happened. I want you to say it. What was your fault? What did you do?”

“…”

“Daken- what did you do?”

“Nothing! IT wasn’t my fault! There’s no way it could have been my fault! You lied to them! You lied to me! And I fucking believed you! Why are you doing this!?”

“It was your fault… why? What. Did. You. Do?”

“Nothing.” I restate, weaker this time. “It’s not my fault. IT can’t be my fault. I wasn’t the one in control- I didn’t have the keys… I couldn’t let you in.” Rambling. That’s the point we’re at now. Me and Shifter going in a circle. Nothing ever gets solved this way, and I always wind up getting hurt. “Why do you have to do this? You’ve won. I don’t have anything left to give you!”

“Because…” His voice cracks. Shifter turns his head away from me again. Sue’s expression softens when she sees his face.

“Oh god.” She says gently. “Not here…Not like this. Not right NOW. Save it for later. Come on Johnny-Focus. You’ve got him talking… he hasn’t talked about this since he’s been here- you have to keep it up.”

There’s a long silence. He keeps his head turned from me. IN a few moments the sound of him crying is quite audible.

“It was me- wasn’t it?” He finally asks, his voice harboring complete sorrow. “They used me.”

“Johnny-“

He shakes his head. “No, no, no!” He yells at her, tears still rolling down his face. I can hear them fall to the floor. “I knew it! I fucking knew it when I first saw him! I saw how he acted- I saw how terrified he was of me! But no one would fucking confirm it! It was all guess work- you said. All you said you didn’t know. You said there was no way for us to know! That was a lie!” His voice cracks again. “You knew .You knew all along. And you lied to me. To my face.”

“I’m sorry.” Sue says gently.

“Why didn’t you tell me!?” He demands. Shifter is crying. Shifter doesn’t cry. Maybe…. “You let me come in here- ignorant to what I might be doing to him!”

“To be fair- when he gets like this- he’s pretty much terrified of everyone.”

“I knew they’d done it- I knew it. There was no way for them not to have… But I never thought- I didn’t…” He stops, tears running down his face freely now. I can’t see them… but I can smell them. Shifter doesn’t cry. Shifter can’t cry. He’s not capable of it. “You didn’t say that they used me! No one even told me that they had confirmed it!”

“Well… you were the obvious choice. Think about it logically. Shifter’s whole point of being there was to wreck him…. think. Why would they use anyone else? You were his protector. Someone he trusted- someone he still trusts….” Her voice softens. “And it wasn’t just you… they used Romulus too.”

What?? What are they- they can’t talk about this. They can’t know about this. Only Shifter. Shifter knows. It’s his fault.

“You were going to let me continue to do this- god. Every time I touch him- Every time fucking time there’s a small part of him wondering if it’s really me?? If I’m the one who… who..”

“This is the first major episode he’s had since he first got here where he didn’t know.” Sue comforts. “A few hours ago- he was fine. He knew who you were and who you weren’t. Honestly- shifter’s been so close to his mind recently that it’s probably all he’s been thinking about. It was bound to pop up. Better now than when he’s on his own.”

“And you weren’t going to tell me.” That’s not Shifter- Shifter doesn’t care.

Oh god.

Johnny.

And he just- I just.

Shit.

Stupid… so stupid.

“That doesn’t matter now.” Sue soothes. “You know. We tried to keep you from knowing because we didn’t know how you’d react.”

“He’s terrified of me.” Johnny spits. “He thinks that I’ve done this awful, terrible, thing to him, and there’s nothing I can do to convince him otherwise.”

“He’s not terrified- look! He’s calmed down. He just needed to sort things out.”

“Sue-“ Johnny sniffs a little. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me?”

“Look…” She sighs. “He loves you. You love him. Why put this over your head? He didn’t tell you. He didn’t want you to know. He wasn’t ever going to tell you. Hell, we only know because of something Shifter said in the second video Fury took and some scenes Rachel gathered while she was in his head. There was no right time to tell you.”

“That’s not an excuse.”

“He’s not backing away from you anymore.” Sue points out, completely off topic. “I think… I think it worked. Look… no reason to keep fighting. Your idea worked! We can talk about this later. ”

“Ya?” Shifter turns back to face me, and there’s no way he’s anyone but Johnny. “You weren’t going to tell me either- were you? You weren’t going to tell anyone.”

“Johnny-“

“Shh.” He dries his eyes on the back of his hand. “It’s okay. We’re okay.” He steeples his hands over his mouth and nose, looking towards the ceiling. “No wonder you’re frightened… you thought it was me. They made you think I was there…”

“Please- I’m sorry. I didn’t know-“

“You’re sorry?” He laughs harshly. “You’re apologizing.. to me.”

He removes his hands from his face and reaches out to take my hand.

“Johnny,” Sue says after a few moments of us sitting there. Him crouched down, now, balancing on the heels of his feet, and me seated with my legs underneath me. We look odd. We look like we’ve received awful news. “Fluids.” She reminds.

This is the first time I’ve seen them tell him about some of what happened. I have no way of knowing what he’s seen- or what he’s heard. This is the first time I’ve seen him-

“Can you give us a fucking second?” He snaps. “I’m... thinking.”

He turns back to me. “I’m going to ask you something. And I want you to answer me seriously.” He says gravely. “Do you need me to go? Not just from the room, but away. For a while. A few weeks, a few days- however long you need… anything you need. Tell me, okay? I need you to be honest.”

Honestly?

“I waited for you.” Is all I can manage.

He shakes his head- Starting to tear up again. “I know you did.”

“You waited for me too.”

“I said I would.”

“You can’t leave me.” I’m struggling for words here. “I’m …cold when you go.”

He actually laughs a little. “You’re ‘cold’?”

“Yes.”

He lets go of my hand. “I’m going to kiss you alright? Tell me if it’s not.” He presses his lips to mine- gently. I can feel him trying to be as soft as he can. It’s like he’s barely there.

“You’re cold when I’m not here….then I guess I don’t have a choice but to stay- do I?” He says gently, face still very close to mine.

“No.”

He smiles a little. “Conditions.”

What? Now?

“Water.” He says sternly. “You need to drink water.”

“You’re not leaving?”

“I’ll go where you need me to.” He says gently, bringing his hands up to cup the sides of my face. “If you need me here- then I’ll stay here. If you decide that I need to go- then I’ll go.”

“Good.”

“Good.” He repeats. “Now… water. And food. You need to eat and drink- got it? Not because they’re asking you to or because you need to- but because I’m asking you- alright?”

I just nod.

“Alright.” He clears his throat. “Episodes like this- you need to tell us what’s going on before they get this bad. Alright?”

I nod again.

“Alright.” He repeats. “Sleep. You need to do that too. And Shower. And take care of yourself. If you can’t- you tell me. Alright?”

We’ve done this before. Lists. He gives demands. I work better this way.

“Yes or no.” He prompts.

This one is hard. I can’t do these things. I don’t want to do these things.

“Deal breaker?” He suggests.

“Yes.”

“Okay- we keep doing that one for you until we can make a better plan. No fighting with us- though.”

 Sue looks on in confusion.

“Instead of that- you have to start to take care of your clothing. Dressing- you have to do that. Alright? Just that one thing. That’s the compromise. Is it a deal?”

“Maybe.”

He smiles. “You have your own conditions then. Let’s hear them.”

“You don’t leave.” I state numbly. “Ever.”

He nods this time.

“No, you don’t get it. You don’t leave, you don’t talk about leaving. You don’t even bring it up.”

Johnny smiles a little. “Okay. That’s a deal.”

“You sleep in here, with me.”

He nods again.

“You have to make sure that they don’t hurt me.”

“That’s a given.” Johnny smiles.

“We get to leave the room.”

He bites his lip in concentration. “Okay.. maybe once a day for an allotted period of time.”

“Three times a day.”

“Daken-“

“Nonnegotiable.”

“Fine.” He says in surrender. “Three times a day for an allotted period of time, which will be decided after someone assesses you for that day.”

“Fine.” I repeat.

“So are we agreed? All terms are acceptable besides the one, and we made a compromise on that. Which was also agreed upon.”

I nod again.

“Good.” He kisses me again. “Good.”

Things are quiet for a second.

“What just happened?” Sue asks in awe.

“We negotiated.” Johnny says simply. “We do that from time to time.”

“I’ve never-“

“Every couple has their way of doing it.” Johnny doesn’t look up from me. “Ours is just extremely straightforward.”

“Tell me about it.” Sue rolls her eyes. “That was absolutely amazing. No fighting- no…”

“You and Reed should try it,” Johnny says with a smile that she can’t see.

“How exactly did that come up for you two?”

Johnny turns around to face her. “It just did. Daken’s an extremely practical person when he wants to be. The negotiations are shorter than they used to be. And we only do it when he’s lucid enough to remember what was agreed upon.”

“And if he doesn’t?”

“I remember then and I remind him. So there, negotiated. He’ll eat and drink. He’ll make sure he changes clothes and he’ll be telling us when things are getting bad. So we don’t walk into another mess.”

“The inner workings of your relationship are based solely on negotiation and a list of demands.” Sue says with some thought. “How the hell did you come up with that? How long does it take to work? Did you have to sign something or-“

“It’s shorter than it used to be. When we first got together it was like signing a fucking contract. If you’ll stop bothering me, I can wrap this up.”

“And you do this-“

“Whenever he needs us to.” Johnny goes back to holding my hand. He’s close to my face, though- I can smell that he is still salty from crying. “Terms.” He says in that authoritative voice.

Really? He’s going to do the whole thing? We couldn’t wait until Sue was gone to do this?

“Water.” He repeats from earlier. “At least four bottles a day.”

“Three.”

“Four, nonnegotiable.”

He waits. “You already agreed… you didn’t ask about the terms and you knew they were coming. So you’re over the barrel on this one.”

“Fine.”

“Food. Three meals a day.”

“One.”

He seems to consider this. “One meal and two smaller snacks.”

“Deal.”

“Changing clothing… twice a day. In the morning, and at night. I’ll get back to you on whether or not they want to put you on some kind of schedule that will determine when you shower and stuff. Reed seems to think that a schedule would help take out some of the… pressure. If you knew what was going to happen next and all.”

“I don’t like that.”

“I didn’t think you would.” Johnny smiles. “But… that being said- changing clothes. Twice a day.”

“Fine.”

“And the episodes… You have to tell whoever’s near you… and call for someone if no one’s in here.”

“I will tell YOU.” I emphasize. “No one else.”

Johnny exhales loudly. “Then, on the off chance that I’m not in the room, you will send for me. Got it?”

“Deal.”

“Good.” He looks back over to his sister. “Tell everyone who needs to know what just happened. I’ll take care of him.”

“Right…” Sue looks back over Johnny and to me. “Is this really going to work?”

“It should…. Really he’s been so sick lately that I forgot to even consider it.”

“Okay.” She continues looking. “Are you going to be okay when I leave?”

“Yes.” Really, No. I’m shaky. I almost lost him. He decided it was best for me if he left. He can’t do that. He’s not allowed to do that.

Shifter… he’s dead. He has to be dead. If he’s not here- then he’s dead. But his damage is everlasting. It’s ruining everything.

“Don’t slip,” Johnny says sweetly. “It’s all okay.”

But it’s not. I gave away too much. He’s unsure of himself.

“Don’t.” I say before I can stop myself.

“Hmm?”

“Don’t be afraid of me.”

Johnny smiles. “I’m not afraid OF you. I’m afraid FOR you. I want you to be healthy and safe… and somewhat functional.”

“I will be.” I lie. I have to be. If it keeps him here- then I have to appear to be functional. I have to eat. I have to move. I have to… ignore everything else.

Johnny sighs. “Not for a while. I keep overestimating you. You’re sick. I need to remember that. I got so happy when you woke up today that I completely forgot for a second.”

“I’m not-‘

“You’re not well,” Johnny says soothingly. “You haven’t been for awhile. That’s okay. I just need to get back into the swing of things… maybe we could see how you do for a few months and then try moving back home.”

“A few months?”

“Ya.” Johnny smiles again. “Nonnegotiable.”

 


	13. Trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... this chapter and the following were actually one huge chapter that I spilt into two. And it's... well the climax I guess. And it's not very nice... and I'm very very sorry for that. Things will be very dark after these chapters... but I did promise a ray of hope at the end so hopefully you'll hang on to that like a proverbial security blanket and not reach through the screen and murder me. 
> 
> All that is a way to say- Thank you so much for reading. And responding. And All the wonderful things you've done. and I'm sorry. (again.)

The heat beside me is comforting. Grounding even. Johnny’s like a furnace when he sleeps and it’s been so long since we’ve been able to sleep together that I forgot.

Somehow we’ve both managed to fit into the hospital bed- comfortably even. Sleep came so easily last night. Even the ‘staff’ stopped bothering me.

Johnny convinced them to stop their nightly checks- by the third time they did one, he got up, walked Reed to the door and not so gently told him not to come back until morning.

So far as I know- the man listened.

“Mm. I’m starving.” Johnny complains from behind me before a loud yawn. “Are you ready to eat?”

I don’t answer. It could be a trap.

He’s laying sprawled out behind me- or over me, I guess is a better observation.  
Face buried in the crook of my neck, arm loosely draped around my waist, his finger loosely tracing the pattern of my tattoo up my body- this would be very upsetting for someone to walk in on. It would be kind of fun to see their reaction. I need to find some way to amuse myself- and why not do it at the expense of everyone around me?

Everyone seems to forget that Johnny and I are a couple until we do something physical and well… ‘coupley’. We have our normal moments…. Not lately, but we used to anyway. When we show these moments- it seems to make people uncomfortable.

He gently kisses the back of my neck and I stop caring about other people’s sensibilities.

“So breakfast…” He prompts. “Is that going to be your one meal?”

“No.”

Johnny chuckles a little. “Then you’ll eat something light instead? A snack or something… maybe some fruit- something like that.”

“I’ll eat what I want to eat.” I grouse.

“Well make up your mind… whatever it is, I’ve got to go get it.”

“You could stay here.” I offer. “We don’t have to eat.”

Johnny smiles against my skin. “Nice try. But we agreed.”

“Right…” I’m feeling a little put off by this... of course, I agreed. But I thought he would take his time before enforcing it.

There’s a noise coming from outside the window of the room. People talking.  
“Company.” Johnny groans.

The voices are raised- he can hear them too.

He can’t make out what they’re saying like I can… but he can still hear them.

“Reed?” He questions.

“Laura.” I correct. “And Logan.” I sigh. “And then Reed.”

“What are they saying?”

What are they saying?

“They’re… fighting. All three of them. I can’t really make it out, though.”

‘hmmm…. talking about how they’re going to stuff our little mongrel full again.’ Shifter hisses. ‘how long do you think you’ll be able to keep it down? before he gags you? before he makes you sick? what poison do you think they’ll use?”

“What do you think they’re fighting about?”

Honestly?

‘maybe they have a surprise for you….’ Shifter hisses. ‘maybe it’s the from of a nice muzzle. since you threw that fit yesterday you know. maybe they thinks its best if doggie couldn’t bark anymore. maybe that’s where the poison comes in. they’ll do something to damage your vocal cords for a few hours… like i used to do. remember? hours where you were in pain and couldn’t say anything. most of the time you blacked out… that poison is easy to get a hold of. you can put it in almost anything… we preferred the medicine dropper- of course. but they can just slip in your food….”

He’s rambling. I’m trying not to give into the mounting fear of the upcoming meal. Shifter’s just voicing that fear.

“Akihiro?” Johnny says wearily. “You’re spacing off….”

“Shifter says they’re going to poison me.” I admit before I can stop myself.

Johnny swallows a little harshly. “Did they do that… before? You said something about it when you first got here…. and you don’t eat a lot…”

“Yes.”

“Yes?” Johnny sounds surprised with my answer. “Who did it?”

“Everyone.”

“Romulus too?”

He knows this makes me uncomfortable. I never want to talk about master with him. I don’t want to talk about him out loud period.

“…”

“Is that a yes?” He questions. “That’s why it started back when the procedures did. He did something involving food and now it’s triggering for you.”

“Can we drop it?” I ask quieter than before. “They’re about to open the door.”

“Okay.” I can feel him smiling again.

The door finishes opening, emitting only one person.  
Logan and Reed continue to argue outside in the hall- their voices getting further and further away just as their conversation is getting more and more disturbing.

X stands in the door for a second, looking as though she’s trying to sort out what she’s seeing.

“Daken… are you busy?” She questions with an odd emphasis on ‘busy’.

“Yes.” She sounds like she’s gearing up for something. I need to be on the defensive from the beginning.

X walks over to the bed anyway. “Can I ask what you’re doing?”

“I’m laying down, discussing something.”

“You don’t appear to be doing anything.… discussing or other wise.”

“Why are you here, X?” I ask tiredly.

The girl, dressed in her stripper Goth motif again, shifts her weight from one foot to the other- much like Logan does when he’s mulling something over. “You’re not discussing engaging in anything ‘physical’ are you?”

‘Physical’? What the hell is she talking about?

“Like…”

“Sex, Daken. I’m here to speak with you about sex. Particularly the kind involving your boyfriend. It’s not safe to be promiscuous with him.”

Blunt….To the point. … Utterly embarrassing…

She’s been talking to my father. I have no doubt.

He’ll turn up in this conversation any minute. Which would be why he and Reed were fighting- Reed probably sticking up for Johnny, and for my decision to sleep with the him in the same bed. Logan probably sticking with something along the lines of Johnny not being able to control himself.

Johnny gets a bad rep. He flirts a lot and he’s had a lot of lovers in the past- but there’s a reason for that. He’s a genuinely good partner. He listens- he cares. He does his best to ensure that whoever he’s with is taken care of… I’ve never once worried about his loyalty. He doesn’t look at women. He doesn’t look at men. His attention is on me and solely me.

 

Johnny sputters behind me at Laura’s bluntness. “Uh- we weren’t. I mean I wouldn’t- he’s not really..”

“We’re not having sex.” I answer for him.

“Good. Logan would not take kindly to that…”

“Why would he care?“ Ah. There he is. I knew he had something to do with this…  
X is doing his dirty work. Breaching conversations that he himself can’t.

Johnny’s hand tightens against my stomach- stopping it’s mocking pattern of the tattoo. He doesn’t want me to fight with X. Hell, I don’t really want to fight with X. I just want my father to stay out of my relationship.

“He sent me down to make sure you weren’t… occupied. He seems to think that you and Johnny being in the same room will inevitably lead to sex. Both us have to strongly advise against that…”

“Both of you?” I ask in disbelief.

“Yes.” She says sternly. “I’m concerned for your well being- Logan and I both are. So we’re both trying to care for you… we’re doing this as a unit. Like a normal-“

“Don’t you dare say the ‘f’ word.” I growl. “We are NOT a normal family.”

“No, but we’re our version of normal.”

“The two of you do not get to make my decisions for me.” I try to put as much heat into my tone as I can.

“Legally… we can.” Laura says simply. “Logan thought you’d have problems with this when you started to come around…. but with your ‘lapses’ and your ‘distractions’ even you have to admit that you’re not healthy enough to make-“

“I’m not healthy enough to live on my own- I accept that. I’m not well enough to decide what I get to do with my days- or where I get to go- acceptable. I AM however healthy enough to decide how far my relationship does or does not go. I do not need the two of you interfering. It’s hard enough as it is.”

“That’s what we’re trying to help with.” She says earnestly. “We want to make it easier on you.”

“I don’t need your help!”

Things are quiet for a few minutes. No one says anything. I can hear all of our heart beats- mine fast from being angry, Johnny’s from being nervous, and Laura’s surprisingly calm and slow.

“Just yesterday you thought Johnny was your rapist.”

Her voice is dark. Her sentence short but sharpened to a point.

“If he were to have pressed- you would have yielded.”

“I wouldn’t have pushed.” Johnny says darkly. “I know better. I’m not an animal. You think I don’t see how he’s hurting??” His voice is raw. “I know better than anyone! I’m the only one he fucking flinches away from!”

“I think that given the right circumstances- you would behave like any man would… and all this is going to take is a momentary lapse of judgment. A kiss that lasts a millisecond too long- a touch that lingers- anything could bring a relapse on. You need to remove yourself from situations where you’ll be tempted.”

“That’s why we discuss everything!” Johnny exclaims. “I ask for his consent every time we do something… ‘can I kiss you?” ‘is it okay if I lay like this?’ or ‘are you okay if I put my arm right here?’ Every action comes with a million fucking questions! He’s in complete control.”

“And what happens when he isn’t? How can you tell when he’s acting because it’s what he wants or when he’s acting because it’s what they tell him too?”

“He tells me.” Johnny growls. “Or I notice.”

“And what happens when he thinks you’re his master? What happens when he thinks he has no choice? How will you be able to tell then? How will you know if he’s reacting out of emotion or terror?”

“He fucking tells me!”

“And what if he doesn’t!?”

“Everything is consensual!” I snap. “If I’m uncomfortable with anything- he stops. And that’s beside the point- the point we need to focus on is that you and Logan do not get to dictate this part of my life!”

“Daken…” She exhales loudly. “You don’t know what’s good for you. Just yesterday you’d just woken up from a three-week spell of catatonia. You slip into psychotic breaks, you have vivid hallucinations, you’re self-destructive-“

“I KNOW all of this.” I look over my shoulder at Johnny. “And he does too.”

She looks down at her feet. “Logan wants to talk to Johnny. I’m to make sure that you get a shower…”

“You’re not coming anywhere near me.” I growl.

“It’s me or Logan.”  
“Johnny will make sure I get a shower and then go speak to Logan.”

“No. Johnny will report upstairs before he interacts with you on that level.”

“No… Johnny will stay right here.”

X smirks, taking her hand, balling it up and pointing the fist at Johnny. “I repeat- Johnny is to report upstairs. Now.” Her claws push through her skin effortlessly. There’s a tiny hint of blood in the air.

“I have claws too.” I threaten.

“You use them, and you will be punished.” She says calmly. “You fear the punishment more than you desire to use your claws.”

“You can’t threaten him.” I growl.

“He is a threat.” She says ominously.

“On what planet am I a threat?” Johnny asks, laughing at the offensive statement.

“You know exactly how you’re a threat- now go see Logan!”

“You can’t do this!”

“That’s the order.” She insists. “It could be a lot worse. Legally, considering the distress you were put under yesterday, Logan could insist that Johnny only be allowed to visit for a certain amount of time under super vision.”

“He… he can’t. Why would he?“

“You were in great amounts of distress.” She repeats.

“Johnny isn’t the problem!” I insist.

“He’s about to be.” She says darkly.

“Hey.” Johnny shushes. “Hey- I’ll go talk to him, okay? Here.” He gently raises up to a sitting position. “It’s okay. I’m not going anywhere.” He pulls me up into a seated position as well. “I’ll go talk to him.” He repeats. “You go with X. No fighting.”

“Johnny-“

“Don’t stress.” He says gently. “No distressing yourself- alright? Things will work out. They always work out. I’ll be back in a few minutes. An hour tops.”

“You don’t owe them anything.” I try. “We don’t have to answer for anything- we’ve done nothing wrong!”

“I know.” He shushes. “I know. But we’ve got to play their game- okay? Play their game, by their rules, for as long as it takes for us to be able to leave- alright? IT means I have to talk to Logan and you have to go with Laura… they can’t change anything. No one can. You’re still in control here. They can’t bully you.”

He kisses my cheek, trying not to be rattled by X’s obvious sound of distaste. “Go get a shower… get changed. I’ll see you in a bit.” He exits the right side of the bed, gathering up his shirt from yesterday and throwing it back on. “Try not to stand behind him.” Johnny says to X. “He’s a bit more… unpredictable when water’s involved.”

“Why?”

“Ask Logan.” This is thrown out like a curse. He’s going into this ‘talk’ angry already. That never works.

I make up mind to try and go with him, but X grabs onto my arm.

“Let go.” I demand, voice deadly quiet.

“You’re staying.” She’s unfazed. “Their conversation is not something you should hear.”

“You can’t tell me what I can and can’t hear!” My voice is trembling when I say this. I’m tired of this fight. I’m losing- I’m losing horribly. And a lot is on the line.

“Logan has given me the right-“

“And who gave him the right!?”

“The law.” She answers darkly. “He loves you and he’s trying to protect you. How he’s doing it is backward- I’ll admit. But he hasn’t been given a lot of options in your treatment… he needs something to lash out at. And with the uncovering of those videos…”

“What videos?” Dead quiet again.

“Uh-“

“What videos?” I demand.

“From the compound.” She sighs. “We… we went back for evidence. Found a whole data bank… he’s been watching them- figuring out exactly what happened.”

“He’s… he can’t-“

“He’s out for blood.” Laura warns gravely. “Let him have his way until he calms down. Yesterday upset him more than you can imagine. It’s a miracle he’s waited this long to ‘talk’ to Johnny. Last night he had to be convinced not to drag him from the room.”

“You don’t understand what’s on the line here.”

She’s quiet for a long time, before finally releasing my arm. The doors closed by now. He’s long gone- off to deal with whatever horrific mess that my fucked up brain has caused.

I forgot who Johnny was.  
I freaked out.  
The person putting me in ‘distress’ was me.

Why the fuck is Johnny getting blamed for it?? How could my father possibly blame the man when it was someone else wearing his face?

“You should go wash off now.”

“What’s on the tapes- why is he so determined to go after Johnny?”

“You know the answer to that. You knew where the cameras were. You may not have known that they were recording… but you knew they were there.”

“Please- talk to him. You can’t let him blame it on Johnny. If he sees…”

If he sees a certain part and he’s got Johnny in the room with him…. Johnny won’t come back.

Suddenly X is very close to me. I must have…

“You’re fine.” She says calmly.

Did I lose it? Did I lose time again?

“Easy.”

“Where is he?”

She makes a small humming noise. “Not now, Daken. Let’s get you clean. Focus on that. It’s out of your hands now.”

NO… no. It’s not. It can’t be.

She pulls on my hand until I’m standing. I’m bigger than her. I can outweigh her easily. I could-

“If you try to make a break for it, I have a mini syringe handy… I won’t tell you where- but it’s there. The choice is yours.”

Maybe sedation would be better….

I don’t know what Logan’s seen. I don’t know if Shifter’s personal footage ever got compiled anywhere. I knew he took it. IT didn’t hide the fact that he had a camera. I just don’t-

“Move.” She orders.

She’s being cold. Demanding… taking no shit.

She’s acting like I used to.

I could wrench my arm away, kick her in the gut to knock her off balance- it would buy me a good thirty seconds to get to the door. Maybe more if I would use my claws… but again- is the punishment going to be worth the crime? Do I want to be locked under all that leather and metal.. unable to help in the slightest?

“Daken, please.” Her tone softens. “I understand your fear… there are a lot of factors that are far beyond your control here. Take an active part of the things you can. Case and point- Logan’s worried about you. Take care of yourself. Get yourself clean, get yourself fed- show him that you can function. Breaking down and refusing to cooperate will get you nowhere.” She exhales loudly. “In fact, it may get you in deeper than you already are.”

“Fine.” I can barely hear this. I can see her body lose some of its stiffness.

“He’s not going to hurt him.” She assures. “Reed is going to be there the whole time. There will be no blood shed.”

“I bet no one thought to tell Johnny that.”

“If he goes in looking for a fight- then he will have one.” She says simply. “Hopefully, he’ll be wise enough to hold his own and manage to avoid upsetting Logan…. He’s in a particularly bad mood lately. Really I’m debating whether or not I should ask Dr. Richards if we can’t find a way to sedate him as well.”

We’ve finally made it to the bathroom… it’s as white as everything else. Small sink… a mirror that’s covered with a sheet- Johnny’s inspected the room I take it- and a small raised tile ring surrounded by a white curtain… standing off away from the wall with a high facet hanging above it from the ceiling.

“What the-“

“It’s supposedly suicide-proof.” X informs. “Don’t test that.” She winces when she realizes what she’s said.

“I’m not…X- I can’t…”  
How to put this without sounding weak?

“You can’t what? Not test that? If you think you are going to be a danger to yourself, then we should-“

“No- I can’t get undressed with you in here.”

Normally I wouldn’t give a fuck. But the list of people who have seen me naked, exposed, and helpless is alarmingly high. I’m trying to keep her off of it.

“My job is to make sure that you are in the shower and unharmed.” She walks further into the room and pulls the curtain open. “You can undress behind here.”

“And you’re going to-“

“I will sit on the sink. If you unsheathe your claws, I will hear. And if you try to stab yourself, or me, you will be sedated.”

“I got it, I got it.”

I nudge past her and to the raised tile. Upon further inspection, the whole ‘shower’ is a circle. No sharp edges or corners. Just a ring of raised tile surrounding a small circle with a drain in the middle.

It feels oddly alien.

NO glass doors- mine has glass doors. I don’t like not being able to see the door when I shower. But then, since the room is ‘suicide proof’ I suppose not having sheets of glass is a good decision.

The knobs for the water stick up from the ground on two long , rounded poles.

“Hand your clothes to me.” X’s voice makes me jump. I forgot she was in here.

This is going to be a long day. I can already feel a tiredness setting in my bones.


	14. Taken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> same as last one. Setting up for some upsetting stuff. Warnings as well as pleas for forgiveness will be posted like always. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!

Thirty minutes- I’ve wasted thirty minutes trying to avoid getting from under the water. I actually gave up on standing… the curtain’s thick enough for X not to be able to see my shadow. She doesn’t know what position I’m in if I don’t make any noise. Things aren't going well today.... them taking Johnny away this early on in the morning just affirms this. I haven't heard any news on him... and he's definitely not come back yet. I'm giving him thirty more minutes... I figure that would roughly make up for an hour. Usually, if he's gone for more than hour- something's happened. In that case, I'll have to take my chances against X. If there is no news then there is no possible thing on this planet that could keep me waiting in this room.

The water stopped being even remotely warm about ten minutes ago. This was clearly not designed for showers longer than five or so minutes. Something to do with their 'proofing' I'm sure.

The room is pretty much quiet except for the water. X occasionally makes a noise outside the circle of white- with her phone mainly. If I were paying attention I could say that the noises sounded distressed even- but I’m actively ignoring her so I don’t really give a fuck. Even she managed to understand that if she tried to speak directly to me, it would be awkward.

The door opens behind Laura, squeaking slightly. Sue... I think. Her scent is weird- distorted almost. “Have you talked to Logan lately?” Sue’s voice is hushed. She’s skipped the usual pleasantries and gone straight to the questioning. "He said he would contact you when he got a chance.

“Yes.”

“What do you know?”

“Enough... he updated me last about four minutes ago to tell me you were en route.”

"Wonderful." Sue claps her hands together. "And you've been scanned as well? "

"Rachel did a scan before I came down here. And then a remote scan once I was in the room." X sounds cold. She's worried about something again.

"Good.. good. Current plan up and running is that we move out shortly. Since you were updated a few minutes ago, I think it goes without saying to disregard the initial plan.” Sue says gently. “What kind of state is he in this morning?”

“Argumentative and unpleasant.” X grouses.

Thanks… like I needed her assessment. What the hell are they even talking about?

I could ask... I really want to know on some level. But.... I can't risk letting them see me exposed like this. I need to listen to them instead. Gather what information I can on my own. Maybe they'll let something important slip. Well, something else that's important. I think the idea that they're running several different 'plans' that are updating from minute to minute. And something about scans? Why are they scanning? WHO are they scanning? Have they run any on me without my knowledge?

“Are the children cared for?“ Laura asks Sue in a quiet voice.

“We woke them up around five... got them on the first available jet out of here." She sighs a little. "I got confirmation that they’re safe about thirty minutes ago, thank god.” Sue exhales. “Getting them out and not going with them was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.“ She sounds tired here.

“I’m glad they’re safe,” Laura says coolly, her voice holding a slight tremor to it. "And that you seem to be holding up well."

“'Well' is a relative term.” Sue's voice moves closer to the circle of white surrounding me. “Daken- We need you to come out of there. Now. No arguing. No stalling- I need your complete obedience.”

“I’m not one of your children.” I snap. “You don’t get to boss me around. God, what is it with everyone today? It’s not even noon and-“

“For your protection, you need to come out of there and listen to what I’m saying.” She says this lowly, in a tone that implies that 'no' is not going to be an option.

“I don’t need protection,” I growl. "Yours or anyone else's.

“That’s not entirely true.” X says thoughtfully. “You need protection now more than ever. If you are smart- you'll take it when it's offered.”

This is putting me on edge. X has been acting weird all morning. And now Sue’s joining in? Something is off. Something is very off. And they're hiding it from me.

“I can hear you in there…" X says it's almost a whisper, though. " Whatever your thinking is making your heart race. You should try to keep yourself level as best you can. There will be many surprises today. You should keep yourself as calm as possible.” She warns. “Come out of the shower…. “ She pauses. “We’ve received the first signal- Sue.” This is said much louder. Signal? What the hell?

“Any updates on the plan?” Sue asks the younger woman. “I myself only know bits and pieces.”

“We're waiting for a set of four signals," Laura informs. "They want to wait until the very last minute.”

“What are you-" Wait. Don't want to know. This is none of my business anymore. I'm not going to play their fucked up little games anymore. "You know what- never mind. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know anything. Keep your cryptic bullshit and keep it the fuck away from me. I’m done with it. You’ve all done enough today. Get out of here and leave me alone.”

X thinks it’s a big deal that she can hear me- but I can hear her just as well.

Her tones have a hint of worry underneath them. Her heart is beating just a bit too fast for a normal rhythm. She smells like adrenaline.

Sue seems to be worse. Normally she smells like her perfume with the lingering scent of either Reed or the children. Today she smells like none of the above. She’s been sweating. Her voice is it’s same honeyed sort of calm… but there’s a tremor to it. She’s worried. Something is going on. She’s been sent to tell me something.

“Come out of there. Let’s talk.” Sue says apologetically. “We don’t mean to be cryptic. I will happily- well I guess not happily- but I will explain everything. I will have to do it quickly, though.”

“No.” If she's got something to 'explain' then it's bad news. This news doesn't exist until I hear it. Therefore by actively not hearing it- it doesn't exist.

“No? Daken, you’re not listening. We have to go. There is no option here.”

“I’m not done in here, for starters. And I sure as fuck don’t want anything explained.”

“The waters freezing and your sitting on the floor- you’re done. You're just trying to avoid what I've got to tell you.”

“You're right. I don't want to hear what you have to say. I don't now, I won't later, I won't tomorrow- keep it to yourself.”

Sue’s scent spikes from worry to fear. “How can you say that when you don't know what it is?”

“It’s not good news. That's all I need to know.”

“Daken…” She sighs. “Please, come out. There’s something you should know- and we’re running out of time. Quickly, at that.”

Fine. Time... she's mentioned it a few times now. Something involving time is never good. Thinking better of it as soon as I feel my muscles moving, I get to my feet and turn off the water. “Can I get a towel?” I ask into the silence that the absence of the pouring water makes.

One of them passes me one through the curtain hastily.

“Here,” Sue says while a hand passes me another pair of sweats before I could even ask for them. "Put them on quickly."

Having someone listening to you while you change is awkward. I know they can’t see anything, but I still feel violated.

“What?” I ask as soon as I open the curtain. “What are we rushing for?”

Sue sounded rough… but she looks worse. Dark circles ring deeply under her eyes- which are red from crying. Nervously,she’s wringing her small hands in front of her as her eyes seem to dart around the room- taking in every small detail. Her usually flawless appearance has been thrown together quickly. NO makeup, plain uniform, She’s not even bothered to pull her hair back. It lays in a slightly messy way across her shoulders... not looking very ... well professional. Sue always looks like a professional. A mother. A society figurehead... right now she just looks so... normal. So disheveled. “We’ve got to go.” She says in a very serious tone.

“Go where?” I step out from behind the curtain fully, looking between the two very serious women.

“I can't tell you. We just have to. I promise that things will be explained- but you’re going to have to trust us right now. Trust me- okay? I've not lied to you yet... I won't start now.”

“Sue- what the hell is going on?" I demand. "You're telling that you won't lie to me- and then turning around and giving me absolutely no information. How am supposed to trust you??

“I will tell you on the way.” She says quickly. "Right now- we just have to go."

She reaches out to grab my shoulder but I flinch away. “I’m not going anywhere with you until you tell me where we're going!”

"We have to talk about this later," Laura says into Sue's ear pointlessly. She knows I can hear her.

"Talk about WHAT later!?" This is exhausting! It's like everyone's decided to start speaking a language that I know nothing about! I haven't felt this out of the 'loop' since I was a child! And even then it didn't last for long.

“It’s… look. You know that we went back to the compound- right? Someone told you that?” She’s talking quickly, motioning with her hands in rapid little circles as if she's trying to arrange her thoughts with them.

“Who’s ‘we’?”

“Mainly the x-men… some of the Avengers- I think Ben and Reed have been once or twice. Friends-“ She says quickly “’we’ is friends.”

“Alright.” Easy enough to follow. We've got the main characters now at the very least.

“Well, we’ve been going back to the places you’ve been. This was our first time back in the compound, though. We stayed for a while at the hospital, gathering evidence that could help in the other patient’s cases for freedom. Our thoughts being that some of them were being falsely imprisoned like you were.”

“Okay… So we’re rushing because you found something at the compound? That’s idiotic.”

“Let me finish,” Sue says in an aggravated tone.

“Sorry.” Why the fuck am I apologizing? I should be the last person apologizing. Everyone has been a fucking asshole today. Why should I be sorry?

“Alright." She acknowledges. "So we finally got to the compound. And well… we found a lot of things there. And when we went back through the entire compound… there was something we didn’t find.”

“Second signal.” X informs. “Sue- we’ve got to get him moving.”

Sue makes a noise of affirmation, “Daken- please. I will finish when we’re moving.”

“What didn’t you find?” I demand. Evidence. They were looking for evidence. What could be so important that they have to have signals? What the fuck is going on here?

“It was something important.” She takes a deep breath. “No. It was someONE important.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Now I care. Now I care immensely.

“… Well, a lot of people died that day. Laura and Logan took out everyone they ran into. And they have very good memories. They could place the faces of the people they’d killed- everyone had a name and a face. The doctors- the staff. Everyone. And they… well, they were all accounted for. Dead- untouched, unmoved. The place was still trashed.”

No.. she can’t be saying this. This is a hallucination. A nightmare. I’ll wake up any second.

“Sue… Logan is really stressing that we hurry.” Laura says after her phone vibrates three times in rapid succession.

“Tell him that Daken’s having difficulty grasping the severity of the situation.” Sue snaps. She reaches out for me again, finally grabbing my left wrist and starting to pull on it. She looks at me directly and with a grave tone continues with, “They were removing the bodies. The combed the whole compound for them. And , like I said, they found the doctors and the staff… remaining traces from the last time Fury had been there- all there. But… there’s a body missing. And we’ve been debating on whether or not we should tell you. Then… well, we’ll tell you on the way. You’ve got to come with us now!”

Things are going black.

‘surprise’ he cackles. ‘mother fucking knew it. ah. now… think on that. me in here… and me out there… what surprises will we have for our naughty little stray?’

“He’s dead.”

“Look- shapeshifters… they can do unnatural things with their organs. I’ve seen Mystique do the same thing… they –well- shift. And this one could manipulate his scent as well… it’s not a surprise that they thought he was dead.“

“Daken- please.” X begs. “We can discuss this later. Things are happening. They’ve been boiling over all morning- you don’t want to be here when it finally collapses.”

“No! I saw him die!”

“Daken…”

I yank my arm from her and a step backward. If he's alive- he could be either of them. He could be involved with everything. He could KNOW everything!“I need you tell me that he’s dead!”

“He’s not,” Sue says, sounding saddened beyond belief. “The footage was still rolling after they’d removed you. We saw him get up. He looked directly at the camera- and left it there. He wasn’t hiding that he was still alive… he wanted us to know. He played dead the whole time they were removing you- he heard where they were planning to take you… for all we know he’s already been inside the building. And we have good reason to believe that he has…. There’s another timetable in play here. One we didn’t know anything about… and now we’ve got to move.”

What? NO… that’s not- he wouldn’t.

‘mmmm…. anyone. i can be anyone. and i can be them for as long as i want. and now there are so much more people to be!’

“No.”

“We’ve put Johnny under house arrest,” Sue says, definitely sad now. “Just to make sure… it was one of his favorite forms after all. He will be moved after you’re gone… he’ll go somewhere safe. Everyone will be somewhere safe.”

“I said 'no', god dammit! This isn't going any further. It's another nightmare... even if he was alive- if he was- you wouldn't know that he was coming here. You wouldn't know his plans. He probably wouldn't have plans! There's no logical way for this to be happening!"

“We… found another flash drive. He made it very clear that he was still under orders. And he explicitly told us what his orders are… we’ve played into his timetable. The only thing we have in our corner was the Catatonia- it threw him off. He wants you in a certain state at a certain time. Your being catatonic wasn’t how he imagined it going down… he’s going to finish it. He’s taking all of us down… like he was ordered to. The flash drive has his plans. He knows we were going to the compound... and he knows that we know he's alive.”

“Now he's taking out all of us??” I laugh. It's completely moronic. Illogical-even. "He's gone from coming after me to coming after all of us."

“There are explosives rigged to the building,” Sue says, words clipped. “Three of them. We can’t disarm them… god knows we've tried. There's no set timer... implicating that whoever rigged them is holding the detonation device. Which means that we need to leave. Any second now, if he catches on to us knowing- and we’re all dead- alright? No one is staying any longer than have to. The faster you move- the faster everyone else can.”

“So he’s really-“

“He’s alive. He’s here. The building is going to explode- there. You’re up to date.” Sue says quickly. “Now move!”

 

The will to stand goes out of my legs. I end up collapsing to my ass on the floor. You can’t get away from him. You can’t get away from any of them. Why bother? Why even try? Let the whole fucking place burn. I'll survive it. I'll just wait right here... he can come find me himself. That's the only way this will end. "Fuck it." I exhale, clawing at the top of my head with nails that could be a hell of a lot sharper. I want out of this. I want to pull my brain out... slam it onto the tile.

“It’s… Oh, Daken. Please stand up. We’re working on something- alright? Everyone involved with your treatment has been scanned and rescanned. They’re all clear. We’re going to move you somewhere else… alright? That’s what we’re trying to do! Get off the floor!”

“And Johnny? What happens to him? Does he get to know where I am?”

“We can’t tell him where we’re going,” Sue says urgently. “You understand, don’t you? He can’t know. IF he shows up- then we’ll have a sure-fire sign that it’s not him. By keeping him away from you- we’re trying to weed out Shifter’s possible usable forms.” She motions with her hands again. “Come one, Daken. Please! Stand up. We HAVE to leave!”

“We’re mobilizing right now,” Laura says, looking up from her phone and at me. “I’m going to go with you and Rachel- she’s going to meet us in the hanger.”

“And everyone else?” This is happening too fast. Where are we going? “Johnny-“

“ Logan’s going with Reed and I- we have two different locations- and no one knows exactly who’s heading where.” Sue shakes her head after this. “He’s going somewhere out of state. Maybe out of the country. He and Ben are going to meet back up with the kids and take care of them for a while. Neither of them knows where you are. For all Johnny knows, you’re already gone. I’m sorry to be harsh with you- but you’re on your own in this. He can’t help you…. you are helping him in the sense that as soon as you move- he’ll be taken to safety.”

Stay put... part of me is screaming to stay put. For the second time today, I do what my brain is telling me not to. “Laura- please. Help me.” I reach a hand to her. “I need to go see him. To at least make sure this isn't some kind of cover up to hide Logan killing him. ”

“You can’t. Besides, that doesn't even remotely make sense.” She says sternly. “Come on.” She takes my hand and pulls me to my feet. “Sue do we have a coat or something?” She calls as she leads me out of the room. "Reed shut off the heat to the building.." Guess that explains the cold shower....

“No… the hanger’s inside, though. He’ll be fine. Just keep your hands on him- alright? He doesn't leave your side.”

“Understood.”

“Good.” Sue goes to the main door and waits. “We’re waiting for the final green light.” She explains.

A few thirty seconds later, X’s phone vibrates. “That’s it.” She answers.

“Alright.” She types in the code and then we’re pretty much jogging down the hallways. So many of them. Down and down, deeper into the building- we don’t see another person. The deeper we go, the greater the sense of urgency becomes. The air is filled with some kind of charge. Like a tension that we could physically reach out and touch.

When we finally reach the hanger- it’s freezing. The tile is cold underfoot... like walking on ice- minus the instability. The large doors are cracked... inside the hanger doors are open as well... outside seems to be as frozen as inside. Maybe worse. Snow drifts through the open port... the sky looking gray and dreary as I've ever seen it.

Rachel’s standing there on the landing strips by one of the jets, motioning to us with sharp movements. “Hurry! Unless you want to be a crater... in which case, please take your time to take in the beauty that is the inside of a hanger about to explode."

"Enough, Rachel," Sue says in a frustrated manner. "You knew that getting him here was going to be a challenge. If you wanted to leave sooner- you should have signed on with another team." 

" I thought I'd be safer with him.... What the hell has taken you so long??”

The blond woman ignores her and looks at me. “Go with Laura… listen to what they say- we’ll figure this out and regroup later.” Sue orders. I’m not used to her being the one giving orders- but damn she’s done a lot of it this morning.

“Where the fuck is everyone?” I demand.

“We don’t have any more time,” Sue says apologetically. “ I know this is probably confusing as hell… but if it makes you feel better- everyone else is pretty much in the same state of confusion as you are.”

“Come on.” Rachel puts a hand on my shoulder, pulling a little harshly.

I resist, trying to see who all is in the hanger… I need a head count. Maybe if I delay long enough, I can make sure that Johnny actually makes it abroad one of the many crafts housed here.

"Again... if you'd rather not be a crater, move it!" Rachel snaps.

I’d listen to her… but something is off. Like before I slipped. Something is not right. The scents are all scared. The noises are too loud.

The hand on my shoulder tightens with a strength that shouldn’t be able to be housed in Rachel’s form.

“Get in the jet.” She says lowly as she notices me staring at her hand. "Now."

She’s not in my head… if she was worried about my moving- or lack thereof- wouldn’t she just make me?

“Get off,” I growl. “You’re hurting me.” I look over at X, who seems to be battling some kind of emotion. “X-“ I try to get her attention, but the engines cut on, making it hard for me to hear myself. “Something is wrong.” I settle for telling Rachel.

She smiles a little. “Nothing’s wrong. Everything is fine. Go with your little friend… sit down. Behave yourself- we’ll get through this as swiftly as possible. Alright, pet?”

“What did you just say?” I know that phrasing. And it’s definitely NOT how Rachel talks. That's not how anyone around here talks.

“Come on.” X takes a seat in one of the plush chairs. “Stop fighting with her. We have to get air borne.”

“That’s not-“

“Shh,” Laura says quickly. “You’ll have time to sort all of this out when we land. Relax…” She looks at her phone. “We’re good to go Rachel. Take off is cleared.” The door to the jet closes behind me. I’m almost too frightened to move.

"I'm trying to tell you something!" I snap.

“Sit down, Daken!” Laura snaps. "We don't have time. Rachel, take us up!"

“That’s not Rachel!” I try to explain. "If it was- she'd have made me get on the plane- or done something to sedate me so I'd stop fighting... if it were Rachel- she would have done something earlier- made this whole thing easier on all of you!"

X has a moment of recognition before standing from her seat in a violent, angry fashion.

Then something weird happens. Rachel drops a small metallic cylinder on the ground a second before reality itself seems to shift. The floor ends up side ways… and it’s not just me. X is collapsing on the other side of the aisle, smashing her head on the metal of one of the chairs- catching it on a protruding screen and gashing it open. Blood spills out into the aisle, it seems to be the only thing worth focusing on.

Rachel bends down and checks Laura’s pulse. “Too easy.” She smiles as she looks over at me. “Always takes longer for you to go under- doesn’t it?”

The intercom in the jet buzzes- Rachel answers, “All clear.” A second later Laura is called on- and she answers too… which is odd because I’m staring at her… very much unconscious.

“Now you don’t say a word.” Rachel orders. She pulls a small cell phone looking device out of her pocket. “Not a single word.”


	15. Give In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR DISCLAIMER 
> 
> Some very upsetting things in this chapter. Heavy non/consensual content- though it's been toned down so as not to be overtly graphic. 
> 
> Very Dark. Very... well dark. 
> 
> Just wanted to throw that in there. Please read with caution. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!

The jet landed thirty minutes ago. I keep track of time by counting seconds. I count seconds that add up to minutes.

My brain moves slowly, trying to adjust to everything.

Laura was taken out before I could move. I saw her limp body being removed. I have no clue where she is now.

Shifter enters the jet again, letting in copious amounts of cold air.

"Well, well, well." He crouches down over me. He's wearing someone else's face. An elderly man's.

"Shifter?"

"Very good." His skin ripples as he turns to Rachel. "I made a convincing telepath- didn't I?" He asks in her voice.

"How long..."

"I made a good scientist." He morphs into Reed. "Didn't I?"

I feel like I'm going to puke.

"I made and an excellent lover." He morphs into Johnny. "Didn't I sweetheart?" He smiles and it breaks me.

"How are you alive?"

"I missed." He turns into Logan. "Don't worry." He says gruffly. "Daddy's here."

"Shifter-" He grabs me by the arm, pulling me to my feet.

"WE're going for a walk." He says in his voice while keeping Logan's form.

He starts leading me out the jet.

We're at a farm... Cows in a pasture near the jet. A horse stable. A pen of pigs.

Who's...

"Who lives here?" I gasp as he dislocates my arm for no apparent reason.

"I do." He looks me over. "We do," he says with a smile.

I expect to be dragged towards the house but instead, we start moving towards a large area of woods.

Half way to the first tree, I get the idea that I should be fighting.

I unleash my claws and stab him as deeply as a can.

He doesn't let go like I thought he would.

He turns his head, Logan's face rippling and forming into Shifter's monstrous form. "Those are cute." Shifter nods to the claws. "You won't be able to keep them, however... I'm sure you understand."

He takes his free hand, grabs my claws, pulls them out of him, and then crushes them in his hand.

I scream. I scream as loud as I can- hoping he has neighbors.

"Wah, wah, wah!" He screams over me. "Listen to you!"

We're moving through the forest despite my struggling.

I dig my heels into the dirt, bare feet catching on pine cones, pine straw, and roots. Snow freezes my bare skin. I leave as many footprints and lines in it as possible. Still vainly hoping that someone will find me.

He switches his hold to the hand with the damage claws, to get a better grip.

As we approach a small stream, I start to slash the passing trees, hoping to catch my claws onto something.

"Ah, ah, ah." He teases. "Destroying innocent vegetation. Stop it doggie"

The water of the stream is cold. I try to kick up some rocks at his feet.

I manage to uproot a good chunk of ice and kick it into his heels, but it doesn't stop him.

"Keep it up and we'll see how long you can hold your breath." he threatens.

"Let me go!" I dig my claws into another tree on the other side of the stream.

"I should have sedated you again." He growls, dragging me .

I pull back hard enough for him to let go, only to stumble backward. As I'm trying to climb to my feet and run, he grabs my right ankle and pulls me to the ground.

"Now you've made me angry." He growls, picking me up by the ankle and then slamming me head first onto a nearby rock.

I go limp.

everything hurts.

Shifter cradles me in his arms. "There, there." He mocks.

We move out of the forest over to a small well-like structure.

Shifter digs in the ground for a moment before uncovering a large flat, black screen. He puts his hand on it, bending down with me in his arms.

"Say 'bye bye' mongrel." He coos. "You won't see sunlight for a very, very, long time."

A giant hatch opens up with a gust of hot air. Heat. Wherever we're going has central heating.

He looks at me in his arms before throwing me through the hatch. I hit a cement wall harshly, starting to black out.

"Hmmm... take a nap." He orders. "Let ol' Shifter take care of everything else."

\-----------------------------------------------------------

 

 

“Mmm. Nice and warm…” The voice teases. “I have to remember how much you hate the cold. I should have run the water sooner.”

Is that.. on the outside or the inside? I can’t tell… they sound the same. They all sound the same!

A small splashing sound comes off from the right… the water settled around me rises just the smallest bit. He’s doing something with his hands. Something the darkness around me won’t let me see.

We’re in a tub in the most massive bathroom I’ve ever seen. The sink on the side of the room is free standing and tall- the floors are cold marble. The tub we’re actually in is deep. Deep enough to hold the both of us- even with him in the form he’s currently in. The tub is clawed… Like a monster's foot. It stands in the very middle of the room, surrounded by about a million candles. Very creepy. Very stalkerish. Not somewhere I want to be right now.

The candles flicker in unison has the air conditioning kicks on. The resulting shadows that are cast don't do much for my state of mind.

“You with me?” The voice is smooth. Like oil covered silk. “You’ve been coming in and out… I think I may have shocked your poor little mind too much. It’s been a tiring day after all. If you were back at the building, and he wasn’t dead- I’m sure you and Johnny boy would be having a wonderful night in. We can still have a nice night… well, I can have a nice night. Your opinion really doesn’t matter that much.”

“Dead?“ My voice is hollow.

“Yup. Blown to pieces. Along with the whole damn building. Keep up honey. I know you’re smarter than this.” He nuzzles the back of my neck, a mocking image of what Johnny had done earlier today when we were waking up. The connection stands out strong in my mind- even though I know there was no way he could have seen us this morning. He doesn’t know Johnny’s favorite moves to pull… does he? Johnny himself doesn’t know. He’s constantly changing. Just doing what he thinks will feel the best. “Hmm… you’re so clear headed right now. Let’s not ruin it with grief and sorrow… there are much better emotions we can play with. Fear- for instance… you’ve yet to look at me. Are you afraid of whose face I’ll be wearing? Are you not just a little bit curious?” The candles around the large enclosed space we’re in flicker again- as if in warning. Maybe I’m seeing things. Maybe making connections that don’t need to be made.

“I know what face you’re wearing.” I correct. Which is exactly why I haven’t looked back. If I see him… if I see it- out here in the physical realm, I will lose it. I’m trying to avoid.. triggers- as it were. Things that I know are going to set me off. I need to keep my head for as long as I can.

I know I'll be losing it soon enough. I have to delay the inevitable.

Johnny… dead? Again? Why isn’t my brain processing this? Am I really that shell- shocked? I’m angry… there’s no doubt. But it’s cold anger. Nothing is really setting in.

Johnny isn't dead. There wasn't an explosion. The jet was too close to the building.

Shifter is lying.

I have to keep this in my mind.

THhis is one of Shifter's tricks.

A very, very, good one.

“Mm… I could make you look- you know. I can make you do anything. No Fury to stop us this time… poor bastard thinks I’m dead too. Let me go rogue. Which led me to think about what I wanted…”

Things are starting to swirl again.

They go black for a second while he hums to himself. The oddly cheerful sound coming out of very inhuman lips.

“Do you like this room? It’s very relaxing, isn’t it? I want you to be relaxed. It’s where I take all of my favorites…”

Favorites?

“Favorites?”

“Very good little parrot.” He mocks. “Yes. Favorites. My victims- dear. Are you keeping up now or do we need to move slower? Honestly, I’ll hold your hand and walk you through the whole thing if you’d like. Anything to speed this process along.”

Victims? holy fuck… Fury hired a serial killer. He hired a fucking serial killer! He’s had ‘victims’… and now he has me- who can’t die without a lot of effort being put into it. I knew he was fucked up. I knew he was cruel- but ‘favorites’? He’s had enough victims to have favorites??

“Ah. That’s why we’re moving so slow… you didn’t know.” Shifter chuckles. “I could have sworn that I brought it up before now… but don’t worry my dear. I’m a nice killer. Like you. I’m not turning my victims into lamp shades or eating their organs… nothing cliché like that. I find things I like. I capture those things and I bring them here… so we can play. That’s all I want. Someone who can enjoy my games… I needed metas. Mutants like me. Mutates from labs that had been discarded… things that would survive longer. It’s no fun to kill poor little humans. Even the strongest ones don’t stand a chance against me. Imagine when I discovered that there were a few mutant genes floating around that prevented any serious injury. A body that could re-knit and repair itself even as you were cutting into it.”

"That's why you like me."

He chuckles. I feel it reverberate through his chest. "I like you because you're pretty." He coos. "Don't you feel pretty?"

“What?” I'm taken aback.

“So curious today, doggie. ‘what’ ‘why’. What’s next- begging? Go ahead. You won’t be the first. Hell, you won’t be the first to do it in this room. Go ahead. Beg for me.”

“No.” I try to sound calm. “I’m not begging you for anything…'

"That's no fun." Shifter tsks. "Ask me more questions... beg for me, sweetheart. Go on."

I keep my mouth shut.

"Beg." He growls, taking his large hands and squeezing my jaw between them. I feel the bones pop. I think one of my teeth has come loose.

"Where am I?" I yelp. "Why did you bring me here??”

He stops squeezing.

“Why you’re right here, of course! Here in this special place, I’ve built. Just for my darlings and I. It’s nice. Lots of rooms- Lots of corridors. You could feasibly even run from me. I’d find you- of course- but you could do it. That could be our next game if you like. When you’re not so tired… or so cold. Rebuild your muscles- hmm? If we played enough, I might even let you get away. If for nothing- to see you figure out where you are- which I’m not telling you by the way. It’s a riddle for you to solve.”

Run from him? NO. I’m going to kill him. I’m going to kill him. I HAVE to kill him. I need to… I HAVE to. And then find X and leave.

“I’m not here to play your twisted little games!” I growl, almost trembling with rage. If he is dead… then Shifter caused it. All of them… shifter pulled the trigger. But… he might have been gone. What if they were lying about him being there to get me to move faster? What if he was able to activate his powers and someone survive the flames? Can he do that? “I’m going to kill you. I swear that I will tear your fucking head off your-“

Shifter reaches around the front of my body very suddenly and roughly yanks of the chains attached to the heavy cuffs restraining my claws. The added weight forces me into the water, face first. Him being the asshole that he is- he holds me there.

Drowning- always drowning.

When you drown, your most obvious reaction is actually the worst. You panic. You use up what little oxygen you have left if your lungs in this panic. It doesn’t take long for you to pass out from oxygen deprivation. That’s when they get you…

He places a hand across my chest and drags me back to the surface sputtering.

“Play nice.” He warns. “If you threaten me- I’ll just lock you away. I’ll lock you away for so long that you’ll beg for this kind of attention.”

Air comes back to me slowly. I have to make myself breathe evenly at first.

“Good boy…” He runs his hand through my hair, fingers untangling it as he goes. “You’ve acquired some bad habits while you’ve been gone, mongrel. We were so close to having you house broken- too.” He tsks.

“You’re insane.” My voice trembles more than I’d like to admit. He’s not just a killer… he’s a serial killer. A complete sadist. I need to get out of here. Before… before he makes me into something I don’t want to be.

“hmm… Sticks and stones.” He laughs, it rumbles deep in his chest, I can feel it through my back. “Look at this- me trying to relax and you already trying to get me upset…. Had to get back into the swing of things- did you?” He grouses over top of me. “Look at how tense you are…” He rests his massive hand on my shoulder, gently squeezing the muscles there. “Relax, doggie. You’ve got a long time to be cross with me. Take a little break… we’re celebrating, after all.”

“I don’t want to celebrate with you! I don’t even know what the fuck I’ve-“

“Language.” He warns, giving the chains a small tug for emphasis.

“You're fucking psychotic." I gasp.  I try to move away from him, violently thrashing as much as I can trying to get leverage. He just puts a hand on top of my head and pushes me under the water again.

“No horseplay.” He says, voice muffled and amplified at the same time because of the water.  
Coming up for air is harsher this time.

“Look at you- making a mess.” He clucks a tongue that I know his form doesn’t have. “You’re such a destructive little thing… so hurtful with your words… your precious little words. Things you think you can use against people. How does that work? Hmm? Try it. Go on. How’d it work back in the hospital? How’d it work against the telepaths when you tried it on them? Tell me mongrel… let me hear those pretty words.”

“Please-“ I try a different approach when I can breathe. “Shifter- there’s nothing else I can give you. You’ve got everything! I don’t function… I can’t take care of myself- I’m barely lucid as we’re speaking. What do you want??”

He grabs me under the arms and pulls me up to his body again, stopping when his massive head is directly over mine.

“Pretty words.” He laughs. “Pathetic words. You think that will work? Woo me. Go on. Try to make me feel sorry for you. Use your little pheromones… go on. I’m allowing you to.”

Tiredly, I try to push just the smallest streams of-

“Pathetic.” He laughs while shifting his legs so that he’s sitting completely up and I have a knee on either side of my face. This form is massive. The smallest of movements could tear my muscles- break bones- crush something- he knows that. He’s showing off. “Tell you what- mongrel. You think of some more pretty words… I’ll up the stakes- hmm? You know what I’m going to do to you- but you don’t know when I’m going to do it. And you don’t have a clue what I’m going to do with the clone bitch…. you can persuade me to answer both questions if you want.”

“And if I can’t?”

“Then… it happens anyway and you have no clue until it does.” He chuckles. “It’s a game, baby. Play with me.”

He gently rubs my chest with the hand he’s placed there in restraining me as He pulls me tighter against his body.

For the hundredth time, I have to resist the urge to vomit. “Why are you doing this?”

“Ah. Come on Daken. NO clichéd questions. You’re better than that…” He sounds disappointed. “I’ll answer thirty questions during your persuasion. And if you ask a question- I get to ask a counter question. That pitiful quest for knowledge uses up one of them. Next?”

“You didn’t answer it,” I growl.

 “Ah. Okay. “Why,” you ask…. Let’s see. Put simply- I like to break things. I like to break strong things. I like to break weak things. I especially like breaking pretty things… in truth- you didn’t do anything. You don’t have anything. I’m doing this because I was bored and needed cash. Fury found me and hired me. I saw you… and well. I just had to break you. Like the others. The joy is always in the breaking.” His hand stops it’s massaging pattern and slides up to my neck, pulling my head backwards. “Why didn’t you tell them what I did to you in the beginning?” He demands. “Why didn’t you tell them all of it?”

“Two.” I choke through the pressure on my neck.

“Hmm?”

He relaxes his hold a little so I can speak easier. “That was two questions. I only asked you one.”

“Then answer the first.” He smiles… teeth glinting. God, I wish I hadn’t looked.

“Didn’t know.. if it was real or not.”

“Ah.” He seems pleased and lets my neck go. “Next.”

Breathe. Think. “What do you want with Laura?”

“OH is that her name? I didn’t know that clones got names. How exciting! And look- it’s even better than yours! She gets a human name!”

“What do you want with her?”

“You asked twice!” He crows. “That counts for two!”

“That’s cheating!”

“We could just skip to the ‘stakes’ part.” He threatens, voice still filled with humor. He’s really enjoying himself. This is fun for him…. all some kind of game.

Knowing better than to say anything in regards to his statement- I keep my mouth shut.

“Let’s see… oh yes. The clone. She’s pretty too. Don’t you think? She’s strong. Stubborn. And she’s not already broken…. not like you were. She’ll be a challenge. She’ll be FUN.”

“You can’t-“

“What do you fear?” He interrupts.

“…”

“That’s my first question.” He affirms. “What is doggie scared of?”

“You asked twice,” I say before I can stop myself.

He inhales deeply. “Answer the question.”

“Nothing. I fear-“

It’s hard to keep track of where the blood is coming from as it falls down on me- cutting off my sentence. The slashes are so deep that it takes a few seconds for the pain to even register.

“Don’t LIE to me!” He bellows- his voice unnaturally loud. He needs to use another form. I’m at my limit for this one. “You are to play this game by MY rules! You are to play every game by MY rules! And MY number one RULE is that you can’t lie to me!”

“Another form.” I manage when he’s done. “I’ll answer if you change forms. Please.” The last is added to avoid another slap. I need to focus.. need to stay clear. The pain won’t help with that.

“No.” He gently pets the side of my face, wiping off the remaining blood. “No. Today we play with this form. Tomorrow it will be different. Tomorrow it will be worse. Today- we go easy.” He hums to himself again- the same tune he’s been humming this whole time. “What are you scared of my dear? Tell me. What keeps you awake at night?”

Two more questions. I need to keep track of them.

“You. Him. Immortality.” Breathless. I have to answer him. He’s completely psychotic. I hate to think that my experiences with him before were while he was on Fury’s leash… there’s no leash in sight now. Not unless Fury plans to come from behind some curtain and deliver an ultimatum.

I’m ashamed to say that I’ve been hoping for that. It lasted for the few blissfully drugged hours before now. I could even imagine that I heard him… but then I realized he was repeating things he’d said before. It wasn’t him. A ‘chemical misfire’ Logan would call it.

“Wonderful.” He smiles in a pleasing manner. “Proceed.”

“Uh-“

“No more pretty words- hmm? Go on. Talk to me. No stuttering. No mumbling. I’ll only answer if you ask in a clear, normal tone.”

“Why did you come back for me?” My voice wavers here. I’m not in control of anything right now. If he weren’t holding me, I wouldn’t even be able to sit up straight. I’m beyond wanting to fight now. I want to go home.

He continues humming.

“I won’t ask it again.” I try to sound surer of myself- to at least play it off. It appears that he isn’t buying it.

The humming persists. Getting louder this time.

“Shifter-“

“Don’t ask questions you already know the answers to.” He says, taking his other hand and wrapping it around my arm. “You’re so tiny when I’m like this. So weak… so frail. Like a little bird… something defenseless. Yes. I like to think of you like that.”

“Let go of me.” Pulling away from him is pointless.

“What’s your name?” He demands, pulling my arm back to where he had it, splashing water out over the edge of the tub in doing so. Why isn’t the water cold yet? How long have we been in here?

“I don’t have one.”

“No, no. Daddy called you something back at the Baxter Building. I heard him. And I know it wasn’t a pet name. It was your real name. Doggie has an actual name and he didn’t tell me. What is it?”

“I don’t have to answer that.”

“You do if you don’t want me to hit you again.” He growls.

“I don’t care if you hit me.” I laugh a little hysterically. “You’re going to do it anyway. It’s not a threat!”

He chuckles. “You’re right. You respond so much better to my other methods.”

His emphasis does not go unnoticed.

“Your name mongrel.” He says in my ear. “I want it.”

“No.”

His hand on my chest runs the pattern of the tattoo… something I’ve never really paid much attention to. I like it. I chose it. It was always mine…. Now it feels wrong. I hate those patterns. I hate feeling his fingers trace the swirls and edges. He stops to play with one my nipples- something I hate more than anything else. “You were saying?”

“Go fuck yourself!”

“Hmm. Watch what you wish for.” He teases, squeezing harder. “Someone in this room is definitely going to get fucked. I’d hate for it to have to happen any sooner or dare I say, rougher than it has to.”

He takes his other hand, places it beside the one on my chest, open palmed, fingers facing downward and starts to push it lower. Slowly. He wants to make a show of it.  
“How far will you let me go before you tell me? You remember this game? It’s like chicken. And if you don’t yield… then we can just get on with the second half of tonight’s entertainment. It’s win, win.” He punctuates this with another sharp squeeze. “You’re very sensitive here…” he comments. “I bet I could make you real uncomfortable. Just by playing with you..… just like this. What do you think? Should we make that our new game?”

“We’re already playing a game!” I try to reason. He’s moving slow. He knows in a few seconds I’ll cave. “You can’t start another game while we’re in the middle of the first one!”

“Think of this as a mini game then.”

His claws are trailing across my skin, leaving red welts behind.

“Name?” He asks with a lilt to his voice.

“Akihiro,” I say quickly. “It’s Akihiro.”

“Hmm. Very Asian. Chinese? What are you exactly mutt? I never really asked. What breeds are you bastardizing?”

“That’s offensive.”

“Like I care. What are you?”

He keeps his hand on me, not really groping, but still there. “Half Japanese. Alright? Stop! Just stop. Please.”

“Ah. That’s why the compound was in Japan. I get it now.” He smirks. “You know, You’re the only man I know who would turn down a handjob. You didn’t have to tell me. It wouldn’t have hurt you… are you really THAT repulsed by me? I know it’s not because I’m a male… obviously, that doesn’t bother you.”

I don’t know the correct answer. He’s still touching me…. I’m still pressed against him- it’s really his game. He toys with my chest some more, his fingers proving to be annoyingly painful.

“What do you want me to say?” I ask voice ragged.

“The truth of course,” he smirks. “And that counts for one of your questions. I’m keeping track mongrel. Times out when they’re done.”

“Then the game is pointless.” It is. If the questions determine the timetable and the prize was knowing the information from that very timetable- then there is no prize. By not asking questions- I’ll be prolonging my health. “If time runs out when the questions do then I’ve already solved the question as to when you’re going to-“

“Oh… smart boy. Now… the choice is simple. Keep playing? Or get to what I was hoping we would have done by now. Honestly, you’re the worst for fucking up timetables.”

“Play.” Like there’s a choice.

“Good. Now tell me- am I repulsive to you?”

“You don’t want the truth. You’ll just use it as an excuse to hurt me.”

“No, no, no.” He chides. “I wouldn’t use one of our games to hurt you. They’re for information. If you follow the rules- you shouldn’t be hurt.”

“That’s not true.”

“Answer the question.”

“…”

“I could start again…” He offers, shifting his hand a little. “If it helps you answer.”

“Fine! Fine! You repulse me! I hate you with every fiber of my being. I hate being near you, I hate the sound of your voice, I HATE you! Is that what you want me to say??”

He chuckles. “Good answer. You see, I WANT you to hate me. I want to see you cringe every time I come near you. My darlings never seem to get that little concept…. they try to make me think they love me. I don’t want you to love me- I want you to FEAR me. I want you to know that I own you. I don’t want a partnership- that’s what leads me to kill them. Men… women… all of them. Trying so hard to make me think they love me. It’s a fun game… seeing what boundaries they’re willing to push to show their love and dedication to me.”

“Fine, I fear you. There’s nothing else you can do to make this any worse… let me go.”

“No. When your heart stops when I walk into a room- then you can go. We’re almost there with the vomiting.” He says smartly. “You’ve yet to do it, but I can feel how hard your stomach is contracting when my hand is there. We’ll give that a few days… just a little more training…”

“How many ‘favorites’ have you had?”

How many people have come before me?  
How many will come after me?

Am... am I going to die?

I want it over quickly.

NO! Wait!

Laura... Laura is still here.

I can't... I can't let her become his victim. I need to probe him. I need to figure out these answers and try to save her.

“Hmm… a question?” He finally takes both of his hands from me and holds them in front of my face. Ten, long, black , clawed digits bob slightly as they’re counted upon. Each hand, the fingers go down at least five times in his endless cycle. “Close to Fifty.” He answers. “All my little darlings. All sleeping now, poor things. Maybe, if you behave, I’ll put you to bed too. Right there with all your little friends.”

“Where are they now?” I need a map. Some kind of layout. Some kind of way to find the proof in case....

In case someone comes.

In case someone heard me up there.

In case someone follows the path I made.

He laughs, a barking, loud, surprising sound. “I’m not telling you that! In case your little buddies come and find you… you want-“ He stops suddenly.

“What?” there.. there... I heard it. In his gloating.. he...

“Never mind.” He growls.

“How would they find me? If you killed them- why are you still worried?”

“Never mind!” He growls. "I don't want to talk about it anymore."

“They’re not dead! You lied! You didn’t blow up the building- you just made them think you were going to- so….”

"And what do you think this information is going to do for you mongrel?" He questions. "Hmm? You think they're magically going to show up? You think I'm scared? That daddy and lover boy are going to storm the castle and take you far away from here where I will never touch you again?" He chuckles. "I'll build new places. new compounds. And I'll come get you. They ake you away from me, I take you back. It will be never ending."

"They're alive. You... you couldn't kill them." I feel... hope? is that hope? "They can come find me!"

“Those aren’t questions, Akihiro.”

“No, they’re statements. You lied. The building didn’t explode and no one’s dead.” I feel my head spinning. "They're going to come beat you!"

"Beat me??? Beat ME???" HE laughs loudly. "Oh, that is rich." He says. "I can really tell that your mind is starting to go."

I shake my head. "They're alive. They'll find me."

“Unless I was lying when I said that… to throw you off guard. Maybe I want to give you a small bit of hope just to see it squashed out of you.”

Don’t think about it. He let it slip. They’re alive. Remember that. Now… to find out where I am… locate X, and get the hell out of here.

“Where are we?”I continue to push.

"Oh, so you can 'help them' with your little 'get away'?" He snorts. "Fat chance."

"Where are we?" I demand, harsher.

“It doesn’t matter. You’re tucked away somewhere nice and safe… burrowed somewhere cold and dark. They’ll never find you.”shifter spits. "Watch the tone."

“Do you know where they are?”

He delicately traces the left side of my face with one of his claws. “Is that your question, pet? Because you've asked ten in a row... you'll owe me ten in return.”

"I have not asked ten!"

Shifter smiles. "You asked ten." He repeats.

“Where are they??” I try to push.

“Where are ‘they’ or where is ‘he’? Because I know the answer to both.”

“You know what I’m asking,”I growl.

He smiles wickedly. “This games made you quite disagreeable. You know that? I’m tired of it. It’s not worth putting you in this bitchy state. You lose. You’ve failed.”

“I didn’t even finish!” NO! What about Laura! He threw me off.... I didn't get to ask what I wanted to .

He smiles wickedly, leaning his head over onto my shoulder. “I said- you lose. My game. My rules. I’m the referee.”

“At least tell me what you’re going to do to Laura.. please. What do you want with her??” I beg.

He chuckles. “Nothing. That’s my trick. I wasn’t going to do a thing to her. One of you needs to be able to speak when I let you go. I'm just going to let the worry and anxiety eat at her. Maybe drive her a little insane as well. when she's been starved and dehydrated, maybe I'll have her help me with your... punishment"

"Someone.... needs to speak when you let us go?"

"To sing my praises."

Shifter is insane. First, we can't go. Now we have to go and 'sing his praises'.

“And you’re implying that it won’t be me.” I say weakly.

“Honey, you’ll be lucky if you can even think by the end of the night.” His hand closes around my arm tightly- harshly. Like he’s trying to inflict as much pain as possible. “In the best kind of ways, of course. I promise that you’ll like it.”

That’s a lie. That’s always the lie. ‘you’ll like it’ or ‘you’ll learn to like it’. Things master said. Things he promised. The older you get the less you think about sex as an act. It’s more like a means to an end…

Being taken by force still cheapens it. It makes it dirty. You can’t stay detached from it. It’s on the most personal of levels- right on your face. You can’t wash it off. You can’t forget it- it’s there forever.

“Lemme see…” He starts to slip his hand down beneath the water again, sliding along my abdomen faster this time. Almost too fast. “Do try not to pass out this time. It’s a bad angle… and I’m not going to do anything to fix it. Too much work.” There’s always a moment of panic when it starts. Followed by a moment of clarity so powerful that it almost overshadows the whole experience. In that moment- you accept everything. You’re numb to everything. It doesn’t last- of course. When the moment passes there will be a vast variety of self-negotiations to try and explain it away.

He continues to run his hand up and down my body while pulling on the chain attached to the cuffs with his other hand. “Kind of like seeing you all chained up…” he chuckles. “Would love to recreate the set up they had you in a few weeks ago… tied up under all that leather… Would have to tweak it a little, of course. Make a few more things accessible…” he smiles. “I’d like to make you scream…. Unable to move in the slightest to help yourself… we could decide what’s making you scream depending on how good you’ve been… What do you think mongrel? Will you let me play doctor with you? Do you promise to be a good patient?”

“What kind of question is that?”

“Is that a ‘no’? You’ll be naughty then? Oh please tell me that you will.”

With that on my mind, I’m forced to take in the situation at hand. Shifter stares at me for a second before gently urging me to my knees . “UP… no turn around. Face me.” I don’t want to. I don’t want to see him… feeling him is bad enough. If I have to look at him in that form while this happens- I will lose it. “Like this.” He says darkly. “I wanna see you.”

It’s best not to say what he’s doing. It’s best to just block it out completely.

Which would be easier if he wasn’t in my head as well. Insulting me. Telling me how disgusting I am. Even as his physical self-praises and compliments.

Shifter is a talkative ‘lover’. He wants you to know what he’s doing- explicitly. Crudely.

He’s condescending… He’s vile. The things he demands are cruel and punishing.

“MM.. come on baby. Lift yourself up.” He encourages. “Like that… ya. God, I missed this. Go ahead… you get nice and hard for me.”

White noise. Total white noise. Not paying attention. Not giving a fuck. He can only use this against me if I let him. This will end. Eventually- it will be over. Then it will be like it never happened. It never has to leave this room. There are no cameras- no witnesses. Once it’s done- it can cease to exist.

“Just for me… fuck. You get off on this- don’t you? It’s been a while since anyone’s touched my poor doggie…” He grins wickedly. “Go ahead. You can enjoy yourself… just for me. You can make some noise if you want. No shame in admitting that it feels good… that you like it. Come on baby. Give me something.”

God. More white noise. It’s not loud enough.

“Not going to answer, huh? You’re going to make me sit here and talk to myself? After all, I’m about to do for you?” He tsks at me. “Look at you… not bad. Here..” He taps on the outside of my thigh “Rise up again.…. Don’t fall.” Shifter orders “I know it’s hard to move with your hands chained up… maybe in a few weeks, once you're trained again, we can take those off.” He groans again. “Mm… baby. You know… I like it when you do this. So resistant. Making me fight for it when you know I’ll win. You know what I like.” He kisses along my neck.

I’m really not doing anything. He’s manhandling me. With the cuffs around my wrists- I really don’t have a way to fight back. He uses the chain like a leash. Holding me in place when I try to pull away.

“Hold still.” He orders.

I can’t help but struggle a little. He’s massive in this form. And it’s a very proportional massiveness at that.

“I said hold still!” This is followed by searing pain in my shoulder.

He-

“You bit me!”

“I warned you.” He spits a good chunk of meat off onto the floor. “You know these teeth aren’t just for show…”

“You fucking-“ Things go black for a second. He knows when to use the exact amount of force to make a person lose consciousness. He’s had enough practice to know the exact amount of pain a person can endure.

“Potty mouth… leave the trash talking to me- m’kay?”

He goes back to doing softer things. Things that I can barely register over the sharp pain from a few seconds before.

“Let’s see… how do we want to do this?” He hums again. That song. I know that song. He’s been humming it since I woke up here. “Gotta let some of this water out… we’re making a mess with it.”

He does something with his foot that makes the water in the tub start to drain. “Less resistance.” He says stupidly. It doesn’t work like that. He doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing. He couldn’t fuck his way out of a bag.

It’s easy to insult him like this… much easier than actually taking in what he’s doing.

“I’m going to lay back like this..” He demonstrates. “And you-“

Block it out. He can’t invade my head any more than he already has.

‘mmm… even i have to say that this is fucked up.’ He whispers. ‘look at that… well, i suppose you're trying not to… fucked up doggie. so very fucked up. i almost want to apologize to you.’

He does something very quick and very hard- making me black out again.

“Ah. Now we know we’re doing it right. Tense up again.” he’s mocking. Always mocking.

Things get blurry. My head is screaming at me. Everything else has gone numb. I suppose I should be grateful for that little piece of luck.

“This… will be so much better when we’re on a bed.” He says while sitting back up and kissing my neck, roughly- sloppily even- grazing it with his teeth. It feels like twenty or so little razor blades are ghosting across my skin… it's unearthly terrifying.  
ON top of that, him shifting positions just intensified everything else he’s currently doing- making it that much more painful. “I have a nice bed- I think you’ll like it. Nice comforters… nice pillows- somewhere for you to sleep comfortably. I want you comfortable.”

“Then why the fuck are you-“

“Uh uh. No speaking.” He shushes, hands shifting to my hips and holding me still hard enough to bruise. “That’s it. Right there.” He groans. “Like a good boy… no talking. Just noise… can you do that for me? Make those pretty noises. ”

Argh. Stop talking… his insistent chatter makes this so much worse.

“So quiet….” He teases. “No noise at all… just going to suffer in silence- huh? You think you’re being brave? You think you can ignore me and pretend that this doesn’t happen?”

“It’s what you do.”I whimper.

He smirks, hands stilling on my hips. “There we go… still got some fight in you.”

“I’m going to kill you.” This would be better if it didn’t sound so hysterical.

“Shh…” He puts several large fingers over my mouth, creating a muzzle. “Why don’t you use that mouth- huh? I do all these wonderful things for you… and you never give me a thing in return.” He taps one of those fingers against my lips. Disgusted, I turn my head away from him. “Come on…” He prompts.

“Get away from me before I bite you.” I threaten.

“Fine… fine. You’re already being such a gracious host.” His emphasis is gut wrenching. Humiliating. “I suppose I can handle a small portion of rejection.”

He continues for about twenty minutes... I don’t know how a normal, non meta, would have taken it. All his other victims.. his ‘darlings’. Probably hidden around here somewhere- left to rot. No one came for them.

He bends over, with me still attached and drains the tub.

"Such a good lay." He praises.

He finally lets me go. I feel boneless as I watch the purple fingerprints on my hips fade. Blood runs from my shoulders where he’s bitten me… from back where’s he’s clawed it to shreds. it’s a lot to take in. A lot a process. Nothing else seems to want to register. Nothing else is important. Everything is keyed into this moment… the ‘what’s next’ moment. Now that he’s had his way… is he done? Satisfied? How long will he stay that way? What happens now? Does he leave? Does he stay? Which would be more upsetting to me? Why does it even matter what he does? Maybe I should just settle back into the same routine as before. It didn’t take much then. The pain was expected. I was never waiting for it to happen- it just did. Now… I guess it’s expected again. Whatever happens next will set the new norm.

This isn’t like it was with master. Things were clearly defined then. There was a very clear- this is what you’ve done. This is how you’ve done it. This is what I’m doing to teach you.

Or on rare occasions- this is what I’m doing to help you. Or comfort you. It’s an odd notion… comforting. My master was very seldom in doing so. Never when I was younger. I could probably count the instances on one hand. He waited until I was older. Until I was out of control. Rage… sorrow- anything. Any human emotion that was deemed ‘undignified’ in his eyes… anything that he couldn’t control. They’d always start with pain. On those rare occasions, pain didn’t work. Master had to come to me. Promise to take care of me. Threaten me in his own words.

Compared to Shifter- I miss him.

Things start to come to me slowly. Shifter. The Baxter Building. Johnny…. No one having a clue where I am or who Shifter is… even if they found him- he’d just shift and they’d lose him again.

I didn’t realize how upset I truly was. I just know that things have been fading while I’ve been thinking. At first, I thought it might be my body trying to heal… but it doesn’t seem likely. It’s lasting longer than that.

 

Shifter’s lifted me from his lap, pushing down towards the drain of the tub. I’m still thinking. I don’t’ care what happens next physically.

Time goes by.

The faucet is dripping. You think with this expensive get up he could afford to get the pipes looked at… but then again- this is his little ‘hole of horrors’. I suppose no one from the outside world gets to come in. Not come in and leave- at any rate.

Suddenly he’s very near my face. I have to resist the urge to recoil from him.

He’s not actively trying to look frightening… if he is, he’s doing a shit job of it. His mouth is closed, showing no smirk or pointed teeth, and his form is losing some of its bulk. He’s tired. He can’t hold this form for long… theoretically, if I stick around for it, I could possibly see who he really is.

Clawed hands pry my arm from my chest as he takes my pulse. “Your healing factor is functional.” He says coldly. “Your pulse is fine. You have no reason to look so damn faint.”

“Go away.” I can't fight him. I can't.

“Hmm… don’t know what you’re on about.” He grouses. “You’ll heal. It won’t hurt for more than a few minutes.”

More time ticks by.

More drips.

He let’s go of my arm. “Stop it.” He orders. “You’re fine. Stop playing the victim card… I don’t feel bad for what I’ve done. And I won’t. So stop.”

Things continue to disintegrate around me. It’s like a bomb went off inside of my head. I can’t control my emotions any more than I could when I was a child.

“Ah fuck this.” Shifter shakes his head. “Man the fuck up already!”

“Go to hell.” This is said in barely a whisper. I can’t really manage anything stronger.

“What? What!?” His massive hand wraps around my head, slamming it into the porcelain bottom of the tub. “Fine! You want to be the victim? Fine! I’ll make you a fucking victim! You can’t just let us have a good time- can you? You gotta make it all about you! You selfish little mongrel.” His rant dies down. There’s blood- blood everywhere. I can’t even begin to list what’s hurting and where.

He's smashed my skull in.

“Stay there.” He says harshly. “When you come to, clean yourself up.” He leans over me. “Do not make me come back in here. Do you understand?”

Like I could respond. I’m pretty sure he’s broken my neck.

“I asked you a fucking question!” He roars again, claws once again slashing some part of my person.

“Can’t-“ I try to explain but blood pools from my mouth and chokes me.

“Oh, I see.” He pats my back now. Like I had done something he approves of. “Good boy. Lay here, heal up. Then wash yourself off. If you’re not out in thirty minutes, I will come back.”

That… is the most terrifying thing I’ve heard all day. I pretend that him leaving isn’t a relief. I pretend that my head doesn’t become eighty times clearer the moment he closes the door behind him.

I pretend that things are normal. That none of this had happened. That Johnny and I had left when we said we were going to. That we were both safe- tucked away.

I keep pretending.. hoping that it will become the reality of the situation. That maybe my mind will finally decide on which realm it wants to exist. He can’t hurt me if I’m not here. No one can hurt me.

Distance.

I need-

Distance.


	16. Your Noose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> very long 
> 
> But I kinda wanted to explore X being over protective. 
> 
> And I did. At great length. 
> 
> Slight disturbing material... mainly violence. 
> 
> Thanks for reading

Waking or sleeping… it’s hard to tell which is which through the fog. There is talking in both. There is pain in both - lots of pain. If I’m dreaming it’s about what he’s going to do… or maybe what he’s already done.  He hasn’t really been big on letting me know what’s real and what isn’t.

The last thing I know for sure that was real was crawling out of the tub. Which was harder than it should have been thanks to the cuffs around my wrists, hands, and arms. The damn things go almost up to my elbow. I didn’t even try to mess with the water. I figured there wasn’t a point of washing off if he was just going to beat me again.

And I was right in a sense. He wanted to ‘play’ more of his games after he saw me. The blood seemed to encourage him. The last thing I saw clearly before everything started doing this ‘half sleep, half awake bit’ was some kind of meat hook and an electric saw. Which he was using. With glee.

The days have passed. 

Maybe weeks at this point. 

My hope for being rescued or even escaping is at an all time low. 

Shifter is all that exists anymore.   
  


In my head- out of my head- it doesn't matter. 

I turn over and there he is. 

He drags around the compound after him, leading me like I'm a lost child. 

He makes me sick. 

I can handle torture. I’m not weak….

At least I didn’t think I was. Really I’m starting to question all sorts of shit at this point. Torture is one thing because it eventually stops.

This doesn’t stop. It’s engraved into my eyes. Set into my bones. I’m healing as fast as I usually do- but there’s this phantom pain lingering long afterward.

I’ve always been good with pain- but there seems to be a limit to what I can take now… Master has pushed me harder than this before- I know. But Shifter has something master didn’t.

There was no doubt that Romulus was intelligent and manipulative. He was- in spades.

Shifter- he takes it a step further. His games get into my head. If I’m seeing something, he feeds it. He makes me think things have happened when they haven’t. He tells me these elaborate stories as I fade in and out and twists them until I don’t know what’s true.

He takes so many forms. 

He... he took my mother. She didn't hurt me. I mean- he didn't hurt me. But that in itself hurt. She was so beautiful. She held me... I mean he held me. He wove a story so sickeningly sweet that I believed him. I believed her. 

It wasn't her. I had to tell myself that. I had to scream it in my head. But she was so gentle.. so caring. She said all the right things. And held me- that's what gets me. I wanted to touch. I crave a touch that isn't harmful. Someone holding me. And she did. She held me. She told me help was coming. 

And then he shifted. Slowly. Piece by piece. Body part by body part. I didn't notice it at first. It wasn't until the hand stroking me had grown thick black claws, that I realized it. One minute she was the there... the next he was. And I was torn to shreds. 

He laughed. And laughed. 

And then he gutted me. He gutted me while talking in her voice. 

Oh.. her voice. Her voice was just like I imagined it would be. 

Shifter... I don't know his power capabilities. 

He knows, though. He knows everything I've ever known in the entirety of my existence. 

He showed me what my step mother's baby looked like. If he had lived. 

If I hadn't felt threatened. 

If I hadn't been scared and angry. 

I let him beat me. I deserved that one. I didn't cry or beg. I laid passive and still and let it happen. 

I am weak.   
  


Weaker than I've ever been in my life. It's Shifter. He owns everything down here. And... I'm down here. Which means he owns me. And if he owns me- he can do what he want's with me- can't he? 

Wasn't that what Master did? 

I hope I’m not as weak as he’s making me out to be, however. I’d like to think I have some small strain of dignity left within me.

But then he’s there… and he’s being sweet because he swears that I’ve been begging him to be. He swears that I’ve done a lot of things. Maybe I have.

He spoon feeds me vile concoctions- poisons. Things that make me sick. 

He loves when I'm ill. 

He's very presence makes me sick to my stomach now. 

He brought me anti- nausea medication today. He swears up and down that I begged him for it. Repeatedly. 

That was his gift today. 

He leaves and brings things back. 

When he's not with me, I stumble around the compound, checking rooms.   
  
SO, so, so many rooms. 

Originally I was trying to get out. 

Lately, I've just been looking for Laura. 

He separates us. 

In the last week or so I've seen her twice. 

He can cover my scent. She only finds us by persistence and will power. 

He tells me she lets him have me. That she doesn't want me. That she blames me for her imprisonment.   
  
He makes me beg him not to hurt her.

He makes me promise to hold still and behave while he hurts me. He never uses restraints anymore. He doesn't have too. 

His stories range from the mundane to the incredibly embarrassing. He says I’ve been too out of it to remember. That he’s been able to coerce all kinds of actions out of me. But then… he also claimed to have someone else down here with him. Someone who’s not X. Since he said it I’ve been trying to discern whether it was true or not.

When I opened my eyes, I didn’t see Shifter.

I saw master.

And then I lost it.

Because that’s shifter- right? Shifter’s not here and he is- it’s Shifter.

I blacked out... too much pain. He gutted me with the hook in one hand and his claws on the other. Ripped me into pieces in more like it.

I’ve just woken up from that… and I can feel something tugging at my stomach. But it’s numb. Whatever he’s doing.. I can’t feel it.

"What's happening?" I slur. My eyelids are heavy. 

I try to raise up- but a man who I don’t recognize pushes me back. “Easy.” He soothes. “You don’t want to see what’s going on- trust me. I got it stuck.”

I want to ask who he is, but blood flows from my lips- choking me.

“Go back to sleep.” The man orders. "It's stuck in your spine. Neither of us is going anywhere until I figure this out." 

Things are dark for a while.

Then Master is in the room… but so is the man from before. They’re together. One is real and one isn’t… and I’m not sure which is which.

“Look who’s decided to join the land of the living.” The man from before- that’s talking in shifter’s voice, is somewhere near. I've never seen this man before. Ever. He's not someone from my past. He's... 

Could this be Shifter? 

Could this be his actual form?

"Oh, you like?" He smiles, showing white , perfect, movie star quality teeth. 

 He’s laying on the bed, head propped up on his hand. He seems to be wearing what used to be a white shirt. It’s red now… why is he even bothering? He’s been bleeding me all day. Why continue to wear something that’s just going to soak up blood? he reaches over and gropes me roughly. "Hmm...." He mutters. "Apparently not." 

This form is young.   
  
Younger than me. 

IT starts to dawn on me. 

Shifter is young..... he's.... I've been captured by a man who's barely out of his teens. 

“You’ve had a fun day- haven’t you? Lots of black outs my darling. Lots of missing out on the fun…. I have to say in your defense- you’re still an amazing lay when you’re… well, there’s no nice way to put it.” He smirks. “Babbling like a lunatic… that’s the correct terminology.”

‘a good lay.’ Master smirks. ‘we could have told him that, couldn’t we boy? you don’t have to be conscious… you’ll take it at any time- won’t you?”

He doesn't react to Master. He doesn't even acknowledge that he's there.

Master would not like to be ignored. Maybe... maybe he isn't real. 

“Healed up enough to speak yet?” Shifter moves his other hand and taps it on my lips. “Open up… let’s see if it’s healed yet.”

IF-

He pries my mouth open, running a finger over my teeth. When he runs it over my tongue I gag. His finger tests vile. Like blood and acid.

“Ah.. forgot to wash my hands.” He semi- apologizes. “If it makes you feel better- it’s all yours. Blood and juices… we’ve had a fun day.” He makes sure to press his finger on my tongue again.   
  


The taste makes me want to vomit. 

‘very fun.’ Master agrees. ‘wouldn’t you agree?’

“Teeth are back. Tongue can taste again… here.” He moves quickly, grabbing me up and forcing me to lean over the bed. “Vomit.” He says softly. “You’ve got a lot of blood in your stomach and it needs to come up. Better now than when we’re doing something else.”

For a second, I just stare at the floor. It’s a nice marble floor. Very dark. Almost like obsidian. I had something made of obsidian once… I forget what it was. I liked it- I know that much. I like having nice things. This floor is nice. It reminds me of nice things. It’s got black and white swirls entwining all over its surface making the blackness seem darker. Pretty. That’s a better word. It’s not nice- it’s pretty. “Pretty.”

“Yes, my little lunatic.” Shifter coos. “It’s a very pretty floor, isn’t it? You can spend the next few hours looking at the pretty floor if you want. Now- you need to throw up.”

“I can’t.” I feel like I have to say that a lot. Whether it’s to the others or to Shifter- no one seems to grasp my capabilities.

"Now we both know that's not true." He clucks his tongue. "Akihiro, Akihiro, Akihiro. Now, what did I say about lying to me?" 

"I didn't lie," I say quickly. 

"No? Then you can get sick for me?" 

I shake my head. 

He slides his hand up my back, turning me onto my side.   
  
Every single muscle in my body tenses up. 

Shifter chuckles. "What's wrong, lover?" 

I swallow spit. 

"Gonna try your claws on me?" He asks along my skin, kissing down my back and stopping when he reaches the lower portion. "You tensed up." 

"No." It's hard to talk. 

"Hmm.... so.... are you going to be sick for me?" He questions again. "All that blood on your stomach...... if you puke on me I will be very angry." 

I don't want him angry. 

"I haven't eaten anything." I try to explain my refusal.   
  
Not since he poisoned me five nights ago. 

“Let me help then.” He says in that soothing voice. He slides his hand down my back, resting it just above my ass. "If I finger you, you'll puke," he whispers. "You always do." 

That's true. 

"Especially if I make it feel good." He continues. "Do you want me to make you feel good?" 

I turn my head to look at him. Really look at him. 

To commit this form to memory. 

This form is tall. Taller than me- at any rate. Very thin- too. But it has muscle. Lean muscle that ripples when he wants it to.

This form is pretty… but it’s far from nice. IT doesn’t do ‘nice’ things.

I feel when he enters me, and jump. I was too distracted.   
  
"Face the outside of the bed." He says calmly. 

'my, daken. he's using you like a whore.' 

"Mmmm." Shifter moans. "So tight." 

Vomit follows swiftly. It's blood. Pure blood. I don't know if that means all the damage has been healed or not. 

“There.” He soothes, running a cool hand over the back of my head while I heave. “Nice. We like nice things today- don’t we? You asked for nice things earlier. Do you remember that?”

He removes his hand from me. 

“Where is master?” My throat is raw. "I.... he was here." 

“He  _is_  here.” Shifter motions to the room around us. “You told me so- remember? Me and him… and you, my dear. All here. All coexisting. Why don’t you go back to looking at the pretty floor? Your master and I have a lot to talk about.” He smiles. "Like what to do with our mongrel... so, so, so naughty. You've misbehaved today Daken." He informs. "I'm talking to your master about how to better punish you."   
  
How was I misbehaved?? I'm trying to think but I can't pull up a single instance that would bring his wrath.

"What did I do?" I ask weakly. 

"You kicked me." He says. "I wanted to fuck you this morning while you were sleeping- and you kicked me." He smiles. "So I tried to saw you in half."  

Ouch. I frantically look down.  

He cackles. "You healed already!" He laughs and laughs. "That's when I got the saw stuck in your spine." He runs a finger down my chest. "I didn't fuck up the tat, though." He hums to himself. "I have a friend who's a tattoo artist- you know. I could give you another one. Mark you with my mark. Something I think is pretty."  

I shake my head.  

He grins. "You're right. I'd hate to fuck up your piece. We'd need something to compliment it. Maybe put something around your ankles. Hmm? You want to help me design it?"  

'i always hated that fucking tattoo.' Master sneers. "maybe you should see if he can come up with anything more creative.' 

"Of course I couldn't bring my friend here," Shifter says thoughtfully. "It can be your first trip." 

"Trip?" 

He nods. "When I break you. Since you obviously can't die," he grins, "And , fun note- I can't either, I figure I'll just keep you like a pet. I'll fuck you up here, break your precious little spirit, and then take you somewhere else. Like to clubs. Or lunches. I'll make you stay by my side. And you won't run- will you?" 

I shake my head.   
  
"That's right." He says. "Becuase I have Miss Bitch. And while you're with me, she'll have to stay here." 

My head feels like it's going to explode with this information. 

"My head.."I weakly complain.

"I own your head." He turns to where Master is standing. "As does he. I think we'll set up a time share of you. Joint custody." he flashes a smile. 

“Not real.” I gasp as a second wave of nausea hits me. Retching is horrifying now. It’s painful… it feels like plain acid is coming up. The floor isn’t nearly as pretty as it was.

“Oh? Is that what you think? Maybe. Or maybe he is- and we’re going to have a nice little chat about what to do with our little half-breed.”

‘a real riddle you have here boy… the monster you know? or the relative stranger? which do you choose? either way, you're going to suffer… one will just be far more physical.’

“Shifter.. you’re real. You have to be. Master’s dead.”

“Are you so certain?” He asks smugly.

“He’s.. inside. You’re out. He’s dead- and you’re not.” This is a hard concept to grasp.

Shifter gently cups his hand under my chin, lifting my face. I see him… but I see master just as clear. “You think you’ve got it all figured out, have you? Let’s up the stakes, shall we?”

“NO.”

“So forceful.” He laughs. “You don’t want to play with us?”

“Not you…please."

Swirling. The room is swirling. The floor is swirling… the black mixing with the vomit in a disgusting display. Not pretty.

Don’t… I don’t need to look at it. Focus.

"Please what? What are you asking for?"

What am I asking for?

"help." It barely escapes my lips.

"You think I'll help you?"

I have to shake my head.

“And he will?”

There’s really only one way to find out.

“Help me-” I reach out for my master’s hand, but he just stares at it. Like my touch repulses him.

"When has he ever helped you?" Shifter demands. 

‘help you?’ he snorts. ‘why would i go and do that?’

“Please. Master- I’m sorry. Please. I’ll do anything. You have to help me.” 

I'll be good. I'll train hard.

Shifter loosely wraps a hand around my cock, starting to pump it.

‘begging now? you’re not worthy of my assistance. everything that’s happened to you is your own fault. isn’t that right daken?”

“No… no. Please. Help me. He’s hurting me. Master please!”I yelp. 

"Oh yes," Shifter says . I feel myself getting hard. My body's betrayal hurts like a knife. 

"I won't leave again." I feel tears in my eyes. "Master, I'll never leave again in my life."  

“Interesting.” Shifter… Is he real? He can’t be the real one. “Begging with Master… just a little push is all it took.” His hand unoccupied hand goes straight through master's and lands somewhere on my person. I can’t really keep track. “My pretty little lunatic.” He soothes. “Shush now, honey. You’ve talked enough for today.”

Romulus brings his hand to my face, claws resting on the skin- though there’s no pressure. I should be bleeding. This should hurt. Why isn’t he hurting me?

“Can you see me, Akihiro? Your eyes aren’t focused at all. Come on baby- look at me.”

"Please no," I beg. 

He lets me go suddenly. "You haven't come in days, baby." He tsks. "I thought I'd give you a little treat." 

The world is a blur. 

I see Master. His sneer, His teeth, his claws. He's overall disappointment. 

‘ ‘baby’? correct terminology. someone’s weak little infant- left out on his own. wail harder, daken. maybe someone will be along to collect you.’

“Akihiro…” My name coming off of Shifter’s lips sounds wrong. He stole it from me. He forced me to tell him. “You’re not listening, sweetness. When I talk- you respond.” He smiles. "Or beg. I love it when you beg." 

‘‘akihiro’ now. again- fitting. you’ve returned to your childhood comforts. after all of my work- too. you’re not a warrior. you’re not worthy of the space you inhabit. you should have drowned. you should be dead. no one wants you here.’

“Don’t say these things,” I beg. “I’m… I’m not. I swear I’m not.”

 Shifter lifts my head. I think he’s looking at my eyes again. I can’t really see him, though. I’m looking over his shoulder at Master.

 ‘inferior weakling.’ Master hisses. ‘look at you. letting this man hurt you. being afraid of a mere mortal! you deserve every single thing he does to you. you understand that boy? it’s your fault. you’re too weak to stop him. you’re too soft to stop him. roll over. let him have you like the good little bitch that you are.’ He goes to stand up, but I grab him, jolting myself from Shifter’s hold. I can feel the old cloth in my hands. Feel his long hair brushing the top of my hand…

“Please. Please! I’m begging you, don’t go. Don’t leave me again. Please! I can’t- please. You have to stay. Master- don’t leave. You can’t. Please! He’s … he’s you don’t understand. I’ll do what you say. Don’t leave!”

“Oh, is he going now?” Shifter asks conversationally from behind me.

The cloth fades through my hands. I’m… grasping nothing. Sitting up in a bed that’s covered in dark shades of red… no white. The red.. is blood. It’s dried blood. Looking at my chest, I see that I’m bloody too.

“I – I don’t understand,” I whisper.

Wait.... I don't want to go with master.....

“Shh. You and your master go ahead and finish your little conversation. I’ll wait.”

He smiles cruelly, petting me again. ‘maybe… when you’re ready to be more civil, we can have another discussion on the matter.’

“You can’t leave me! Please… I’m bleeding. I’m frightened… please. Don’t! I’ll do anything! I’ll give you anything!”

‘i want… for you to stay where you are. prove how much you can take. show me how strong you think you are. if it’s enough, i will come take you. if it is not- then you will continue to suffer.’

“Please.” My gut wrenches. My chest tightens and I feel dangerously close to tears.

‘you should have listened to me sooner ‘akihiro’. there’s no place for you anywhere now. not with them and not with me. you’re alone again. a weak child standing the rain.’ He’s laughing as he vanishes.

I..... am confused. 

Master.....

But....

Johnny?

If i go with master I'll never see him again....

If I stay with Shifter I'll never see him again...

And god..... god do I want to see him. To hold him. To be held....

“I- I don’t understand,” I repeat. Something is wrong with my face… My fingers are wet when I touch it...  I can feel... my fingers are cold and numb. And now wet. Very wet. Am I bleeding? Is my face bleeding??

Master's gone.

Johnny's gone.

I can't even find Laura.

“Ah. You poor thing.” Shifter wraps his arms around me. “What’s happened? Did he leave you? Ah, don’t cry.” He chuckles after this. Tears. My face is wet with tears. I'm... crying. In front of Shifter. And I can't stop. “That was amazing! Wonderful! You can’t fake this shit!" He chuckles to himself. "I wish I could have caught it on camera.” He squeezes me tightly. “Look at you- completely out of it. Insane with grief. Just like in the movies… it’s perfect. Shhh.” He comforts at last. “Shush now. Ah, ah. Come on. Calm down.”

More tears.

“My god.” Shifter inhales deeply by my ear. “This is perfect. Fucking perfect… how long do you stay like this? How often?”

I open my mouth.. trying to tell him to fuck off- but a sob escapes.

"Be honest- is this because I was jerking you?" 

A stream of useless words slips out. 

"Yes, yes, yes," Shifter says with a smile. "Spread your legs." He says in my ear. "Lemme see what it feels like to fuck you while you're crying." 

I shake my head repeatedly but don't move away from him. 

"No?" He traces a finger over my shoulder. 

"Please." I hiccup. 

“There, there…” Shifter says in a mocking tone. “Ah… I can make this better. Would you like that?”

That interests me. “How?” Quietly. Very quietly. I’d be surprised if he could even hear me.

“I’m going to make you go to sleep.” He replies. “If you won't let me fuck you, let me put you to sleep. Would you like for me to make you go to sleep? Would you like for this pain to end?”

Which sleep? Sleep where I wake up… or sleep like his other favorites?

“Oh… I see you’re confused. Let me help you make up your mind. You need rest, honey. After an episode like that- even I don’t want to hurt you anymore. Rest for me- okay? We’ll put you to sleep… and then I’ll take you somewhere cozy. To one of the nice rooms where you can keep resting if you like.” He slides out from behind me, pressing a much smaller hand than before on my chest. His hair is blonde… eyes are green- like a cat. And he’s tan… he looks young. Maybe 25 at the oldest. Is this what shifter looks like?

He pushes me back to the once white sheets. “Lay back against the bed.” Something must cross my face because he smiles a little. “Shh now. I’m not going to hurt you… lay back.” The sheets are stiff from the blood, they crinkle slightly under my weight. “There you go. Now relax. Let Shifter take care of you.”

He stares down at me for a minute. “Look at you.” He repeats from earlier. “Perfect. Fucking perfect. My own little pet lunatic.”

Maybe… maybe he’s right. Maybe I am. Maybe he’s driven it out of me. That’s fine. I don’t want ‘it’ anymore anyway. ‘It’ is painful. ‘It’ demands more than it gives. I can’t live with ‘it’ anymore.

“Couldn’t even make your hallucination stay with you, could you? Poor, poor mongrel… Yes, what you need is some sleep darling. We’ll have lots to talk about later- but your mind is tired now. I think rest is just what the doctor ordered.” He leans over me, his arm brushing past my head. “Curious now- are we? Shhh. Sleep darling. I’m going to help you, remember? Rest…” He retrieves a pillow. It takes me a minute to register what he intends to do with it.

When he presses it over my face- it’s hard to get over the shock. I didn’t want this… I don’t know if I’ll wake up from this. Am I another one of shifter’s used playthings? Can I even die like this? I was drowned before- wasn’t I? is this the same principal?

 

I can’t breathe…

I can’t force him off of me. My arms aren’t responding…

My master left me to him. What kind of punishment is this? What have I done?

God. What did I do?

I thought it was good. I thought I was doing something decent. Something that would make… Johnny sees that I was worthwhile.

I wanted to help.

I wanted… I wanted to prove people wrong.

God. What did I do?

Why is this happening? Is it really my fault? Did I really bring it down on myself?

Am I really…  
That ..  
Weak??  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“OWW! Why the fuck do you keep doing that!??”

I jolt awake. 

I don't feel happy to be alive. I thought if I woke up I would be relieved. 

“Because you’re holding me against my will!”

“Well stop it! You’re not doing any permanent damage! At the most you’re just being a fucking bit- OWWW! Oh, my god! Stop!”

Angry voices. Male and Female. A few feet from the open door. “No! Open the door!”

But the door’s already open….

“Not happening sister!”

“Open the door!” The woman yells. 

It’s open! What is she yelling about?? Can’t everyone just calm the fuck down? So noisy. All of them.

“OWWW!” He yells. “Ask another fucking question already! You’re like a broken record!”

“Why am I here?” She demands, dragging my attention back to their conversation. “What do you plan on doing? Why have we been here so long?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know??”

“Nothing,” I say as loudly as I can. “He doesn’t want to do anything with you. He told me.”

“Shut up.” Shifter hisses.

“Nothing-“ I repeat to myself.

“I said shut up!” Shifter’s voice is closer now. He’s standing over the bed. “Go to sleep.” He growls, twisting my neck until it cracks with a dry, loud, sound.

Things go dark.

The pain starts to fade slowly. The room- it’s still dark. How long… how long does it take for my neck to heal? The voices have been moved from the room. They’re back in the hallway. Still fighting the same argument from before. Maybe I was out for a couple of minutes... I hope it was just a few minutes.

“What do you plan on doing with me?” X demands again. Words clipped. I could swear that I see her claws glinting… Is she going to hurt him? 

My body is stiff. And dirty.   
I can smell.... filth. 

And I'm sore.   
 I think he may have fucked me after I passed out.   
I'm not sure , of course, but I'm pretty sure the blood on my thighs is fresh. 

“Nothing.” He says quickly. “You’re here because you were in the way. I won’t do shit with you if you stay out of my way. The only thing keeping you in is the fucking alien shit that is the door. What could I possibly hope to get accomplished with YOU? You’re completely safe. So would you please- GOD DAMMIT!” He gurgles after this.

I can see them in the hallway outside the room I’m in. Shifter… I think. It’s his voice anyway. Not his massive form, though. Something smaller. Younger. Yes. From the other room. The one with Master.

This room is dimly lit with protruding lamps from the gold decorated wall engravings. It’s.. pretty. That seems to be the only real description my mind can get to stick. This is a pretty place where ugly things happen. It’s a contradiction. He wants it to be confusing.

The light from the lamps catches and sheens from hanging pieces of cloth that have been draped down from the ceiling to the floor.. Veils. Looking at them closer reveals that there are sheer veils hanging from the ceiling. Black ones, blood red ones, and dark almost midnight blue ones- so many colors. All catching in the low lights. Weird. Oddly.. ancient looking. Very Egyptian.

In the center of the room, there’s a raised mattress. It’s not a usual mattress. Not like the bloody one in the other room. This one is softer. Instead of a plain white square- it’s round. The sheets are gold and the heavy comforter is black with intricate gold designs. All of this is supported by some kind of wrought iron configuration that makes it sit high in the air. Very high off the ground. As in ‘falling off would mean breaking something’ high off of the ground. It would be hard for a shorter person to get up here.

I’m not really sure how I got up here. I don’t remember. I don’t know if this is the same room where Shifter broke my neck… or if that really happened. How much of today has been real?

I lazily run my hand over one of the veils closest to me. It’s best not to think too hard about it.  
Think about something else.  
Like the veils. Much easier to think about these wispy little things. They serve absolutely no purpose. They conceal nothing… they’re just there. Frivolous in their very nature.

The material is soft, though. I tug on it a little, and it stays put. Someone put a lot of time into making sure all of this cloth stayed up. I can almost laugh at the idea of shifter staying in here for hours rigging some contraption to keep them up.

This room…. So different from the bloody one. I wonder if the floor is the same? I really... ought to check. My leg doesn’t seem to want to move when I tell it too.

“Get comfy sweetheart,” Shifter says, breaking their conversation. “You’ll be paralyzed for the next hour or so. And- OW!” He growls, attention being stolen. “WHAT?”

“You think it’s okay to hurt him like that? Just because you want to? How do you like it when someone does that to you- huh?”

“Look, lady, there are about thirty rooms down here…. why don’t you do us all a favor and go find another one- okay?”

Thirty…??

That’s right. ‘Lots of rooms’- he’d said. I wonder if he has a different scheme for each of them… if he’s enough of a psycho to have gone through room by room and decorate them… tile swatches and paint tabs… it’s a funny notion. Someone designed this place. Someone designed them all knowing that these beautiful places would house people while their owner slowly killed them.

So far I've only counted twelve.

Things are moving slowly. I’m not awake. I can’t handle being awake. Things are too raw. There’s too much to sort out when I’m awake. Too much to fear. I choose to be like this…. in-between. In-between is good. In between makes people leave you alone. It makes them softer.

“Why don’t you be quiet for a while?”  
“Wha-“  
There’s a definite sound of claws being extended… they sound different than mine. Faster. X’s claws are dipped. Plated. Mine aren’t. They’re a fraction slower. They don’t burst through my skin as easily as the metal ones.

She sighs. “There isn’t any chance that you’d be willing to move out of there- is there? I'd be willing to help you. If we could find another room while he's incapacitated... it might take him a while to find us.”

At my silence, she sighs.

“I know that you like this room. You said so about an hour ago. Repeatedly. You’ve picked it for some reason… something about the floor. I’m sorry, I wasn’t really paying attention. It’s getting hard to weed out when you’re giving actual information from when you’re… just ‘talking’.” X retracts her claws. “If you would like… I could keep him out for an hour or so by repeatedly slashing his throat. It would be tiresome, but if it would help I could do it for a while… I’ve taken the cuffs off- you see. But the doors are specifically keyed to his DNA. His LIVING DNA. I can’t remove a part of him and open it- I tried. And I’ve tried killing him- but he just keeps regenerating… make up your mind on what you want me to-“

“You fucking bitch.” He croaks suddenly. “Do you have any idea how much that fucking hurts??”

“I’ve had my throat slit several times. It’s hardly anything compared to the damage you dealt me when you threw me down the stairs this afternoon.” Her voice is colder than it was when she was talking to me.

“Well.. isn’t that just a wonderful thought. Eye for an eye.. huh? You do what you want sister. I don’t have any sway on you- I accept that. But you’re still trapped here. You don’t leave until I say you do. So you might as well at least pretend to keep me happy.”

“And what would make you happy- hmm? Me begging at your feet? Letting you have dominion over me?” She pauses. “But no. You want things that are already broken. You can’t handle a real challenge. You’re a bully. You only enjoy picking on people who can’t defend themselves. You’re a coward. Worthless. A piece of-”

“You’re taunting me about this is just going to make someone else in our little gang suffer.” He hisses. “Greatly- at that. I can’t hurt you- you say? I can hurt you gravely. I just can’t do it to you directly. Get what I’m saying?”

“I will take your eyes again.” X warns.

“You’re not listening.” He stammers, sounding thrown.

“I will take your eyes. I will take your tongue. I will wait for them to re-grow and I will take them again.” her voice backs away from the door, meaning she’s going closer to him. “I will do this every day and every night until we are free. If you continue with this cruelty there will be no rest for you. I will not stop. You will spend every minute in agony.”

“Let’s make a Deal!” he says quickly, voice high pitched. Laura’s thrown him- He’s actually scared. I will give the girl credit- when she’s threatening torture- she’s very convincing. “Let’s make a deal…” He repeats. “You’re reasonable, right? If you play your cards right, you can have it really easy around here. This fighting is getting us nowhere. The doors are keyed very specially. You know that. NO one gets in or out without my say so… you’re attacking me at every corner is pointless. Make a deal with me. Earn yourself some freedom in the process. I’m a reasonable guy. It’s not YOU I’m after. There’s no reason for you to suffer.”

“You’re a sadistic rapist.” She spits. “Reasonable is the very last thing I would refer to you as.”

“I get it. I raped your brother and you’re pissed at me. We’ve been over it. I’m not sorry. I won’t be sorry. You could cut me up a thousand times a day and I still wouldn’t be sorry. And you know what? It doesn’t matter. I’m doing him a favor. He’s gone, sister. I’m giving him a purpose. Something to look forward to. Something to do with his time. Without me- he’d be nothing. A few hours ago- that wreck you’re trying to protect?ya, he was talking to a fucking wall! Begging with an invisible man. That’s all that’s left. Pain and invisible terrors that he can’t get away from. Why not hurt him? It’s not really hurting him. That’s what I’m trying to get you to see… you can’t hurt something that doesn’t realize you’re hurting it.”

“He feels it. He knows what you’re doing.” She growls. “I heard him. The ‘terrors’ aren’t all invisible. The pain is completely real. You’re not HELPING him. You’re deluding yourself with your seemingly overwhelming god complex-“

“I do NOT have a god complex!” He cries, voice deeper than it was before.

“Don’t you DARE shift forms!” She bellows back at him. “I will not be intimidated by a coward!”

“I am not a coward! You sniveling little cu-“

“You say it and I will end you.” She says in the lowest voice I could imagine coming from her.

“What do you want me to say? That I’m going to stop? I’m not. We’re at a stalemate. Take your fucking deal.”

“How did he end up here?” She sounds like she’s turned closer to me now.

“I smothered him and brought him here. Moving him would have been useless.” He sounds very matter o’ fact when he says this.

“Why would you smother him?” She sounds truly offended by that remark.

“Because it would make him easier to move!” Shifter counters. “He was raving like a lunatic! I wasn’t about to try to manhandle him!”

“If you can’t take him right now- what makes you think that you’ll be able to handle him when you’ve pushed him to his limit??”

“I don’t fucking know! I don’t fucking care! Maybe when it comes to that, I’ll let him go wander around in the wood until someone finds him and puts him out of his misery! Maybe I find a nice dark corner down here and stick him in it- it doesn’t fucking matter! Make a god damn deal already!”

“…”

“You could help him more if you had more freedom. Ask for freedom- Laura. There. No riddle. I’ve given you the correct fucking question. Just make a deal with me!”

“You’re not used to not getting your way.” She states bluntly.

“No. And you’re really starting to piss me off. So… before anyone has to get hurt- let me make you a deal- alright?”

“…”

“Fine. You can make the deal then. In your own words, however, you choose to phrase it.”

 

“I’m listening.”

“Okay… good. We can be reasonable.” His breathing evens out. “What do you want? Besides to be able to leave- that is.”

“I want you to stop locking me inside of rooms and pushing me downstairs.”

“Done!” He says in a happy manner. “See- easy? You can come and go around the compound as you please. No locked doors. No more ‘trips’. Done.”

“That is not the end of my demands.”

“Argh. Fine. What else?”

“A room. A room that you promise not to come into.”

“I’ve already told you- I don’t want you. You’re safe from me. Collateral damage and all that. This bargain is pointless.”

“I want the room for both of us. A place that you can’t come in.”

“Ah see now you’re making deals for Daken… and he’s not part of our bargain.”

“Then I demand that he be part of the bargain.”

“No.” he says flatly.

“I restate my statement about taking your eyes.”

Shifter sighs in an aggravated manner. “If he is to be part of your bargain, then you only get to bargain for three things. Consider me your genie. Be careful what you say though- freak. Everything is binding. And it can’t be anything stupid like ‘no one gets hurt’ or ‘we get to leave’. Practical things only. Got it?”

“ A room of my choosing that you cannot enter.” She repeats without hesitation.

“Hmm… I will give you a room that I cannot enter for a certain period of time. That will be our deal.”

“Fine. The time is night. You can’t enter at night.”

“Night is a broad term. I’ll give you 12 am to 5 am. Then I get to decide if you get to sleep.”

“But you already said that you didn’t want me.”

“Then I get to decide if he gets to sleep,” Shifter says cruelly. “Next.”

“That form… the one you used yesterday- you can’t use it anymore.”

“What?” He laughs. “Now you’re trying to decide how I use MY powers?”

“It’s doing a lot of damage.” She states firmly. “You can’t use it anymore. Not like you used it yesterday.”

“You don’t know how I used it.”

“You had me locked in the other room.” She growls. “I could hear exactly how you used it. And now I’m saying that you can’t use it anymore. Not for… that. Or any other activities for that matter.”

“No deal.”

“You can’t use it anymore.” She restates firmly.

“NO.” He laughs after he says this. “I love that form. If I could- I’d stay in it around the clock.”

“Then if you won’t agree not to use it, you will limit your usage of it to 1 hour. Daily. And it can’t be used to… ‘hurt’ him.”

“Weak. You can’t even say it- can you? It’s so unthinkable for you.” He laughs. “It’s nothing. He heals. He gets over it. It’s not this horrible thing that people seem to make it… just one person temporarily holding power over the other.”

“It’s defiling one of the most basic human interactions.” She corrects. “It’s vile. It’s inhumane. And the fact that you think of it as ‘nothing’ makes me despise you all the more. You don’t see what you’re doing to him? You don’t hear how he’s reacting?”

“For a minute.” I can almost see his smug expression. “But then I get into a certain rhythm… and he doesn’t say much.”

“Pig.” She growls. Her claws come out again and there’s more gurgling.

Things are silent for a second as he comes back.

“Fine. Fine. I will limit my usage of that particular form to an hour.”

“And…” She prompts.

“I will not use it for anything overtly sexual.”

“Fine.” She agrees.

“Next?”

“Food and Water.” This is also said without hesitation. She’s been planning this. She has her cards on the table and game plan in mind. “Unhampered with. No poison and nothing vile. Just food and water. You will provide it at night- when you can’t enter the room. You’re to deliver it, or I will retrieve it. But it will be provided.”

“Fine. I’ll feed my little ‘wolverines’.” He seems to find that funny. “That’s the end of your deal.”

“Yes.”

“Good- now if you’ll excuse me-“

“I choose that room.” She interrupts, pointing through the open door. “The one he’s in now.”

“Why?” he scoffs.

“He likes it.” She insists like it’s the most natural thing to say.

“Alright… Fine. Take it. It’s really only used for bondage anyway. I’m willing to part with it.”

“Wonderful.” She starts to push past him.  
“Wait… if you’re going to use it as a home base- I get to break it in first..” He says darkly.

I feel acid at the back of throat again. Maybe I’ll get to see what the floor looks like after all….

“No. It’s midnight.” She looks at the watch on her wrist. Trust her to rely on an old-fashioned watch instead of a cell phone. Which I’m sure he’s taken by now.

“Excuse me?” he growls.

“It’s midnight. This is the room I choose- you can’t enter.”

“I-“

“I repeat my statement about the dismemberment.”

“Fine.” He grouses. “Fine. Have your little room. Have your precious hours. Fine. I’m over it. I’ll be back, and then we’ll settle this in a way more suited to my tastes.”

He stalks away, leaving her standing in the doorway.

"Would you prefer the door open or closed?” She asks a little loudly.

I don’t care. I’ve never cared about anything less.

“Open or closed, Daken?"

I try to speak, but all that comes out is a small sound. Not really an affirmation… more like… something wounded. That’s how to describe it… wounded.

“Alright.” She walks into the room, closing the door behind her. “It’s two minutes after midnight. You’ve got a few hours to gather yourself.”

“…”

“You are sick, Daken. It’s been made painfully evident. I accept that fact. However, I will not let you fall into disrepair.” She looks down at me with stubbornness and determination. “You will continue to function to the best of your abilities. To do this, I believe you will agree that you need a set of orders to follow… that’s why you were seeing Romulus. You need someone over you- someone to tell you what to do. So… I will fill that position until we can work something out. If you have no objections your orders are as follows; in an hour, which I will time, you are to start speaking again. Refusal is not an option. In two hours- you will move. Again- Refusal is not an option. By the third hour, you will do all of the above on your own without prompting.”

The silence is thick now. There’s a soft current moving the veils. I can’t find the vent, though…

“You have an hour before you have to respond.” She walks over to the bed, stopping at the edge to remove her shoes and jacket. Then she moves over to where I’m laying. “You have blankets.” She assesses. “Which is good… I don’t think he’s given your clothing back yet.”

No, he hasn’t. He hasn’t need to. Why bother if he’s just going to remove it three or four times a day?

The bed shifts as Laura climbs into it.

“I bargained for a few hours at night… because I thought you’d do better if there was some amount of time to gather yourself after the day. The rules will be the same as tonight. By the end of the ‘down time’, you will be functional. And by the beginning of the next night, you are allowed to be as dysfunctional as you need to be…”

Nice to know I’ve got her ‘blessing’.


	17. Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Depicts rape semi-graphically. 
> 
> Long as sin. 
> 
> Very graphic. Please read with caution.

If you were to explain a situation to someone but couldn’t use verbs or adjectives, you would find yourself in a very dull situation. A conversation that would have more stops and starts than anything else. It would be impossible to get your point across.

Trying to explain exactly what’s happening right now is like trying to have that conversation.

The past and present are coinciding- in the simplest of terms. Crashing into each other at high speeds- stealing moments from each other- vying for control of the scene ‘shift’ .

There’s an overlay of images playing- like a collage of films. It intertwines with reality bringing many questions into play with the ‘what’s real or not’ game.

Some of it is old… probably as old as I am. Other parts are more recent- those are the parts I don’t really care to see.

It’s been like this for weeks. Shifter..he's not helping it. If anything he’s becoming obsessed. Well- more obsessed. Laura creating a time where he couldn’t have his way has just made it worse. He’s determined to fill every moment he can with some sort of torment. Each moment surpasses the one before... like he's purposefully trying to top himself.

I’ve stopped sleeping. I can see him… I can hear his voice not just in my head anymore. It’s like he’s everywhere down here.

‘fuck you’re good.’ He leans over me, a blissful look on his face. He thinks this is a compliment. But his compliments are always degrading. ‘tighten up… just like that honey. ya... come on. almost... almost.’

The scene shifts violently. ‘go ahead and sing, little bird.’ He taunts… hook still in hand. ‘make those pretty noises and i’ll think about fucking you instead. you should beg me. beg me to stop. come on- i want you to.’

 Another shift. ‘your hour is up. you must speak to me now.’

Flash 

 ‘come on baby- talk to me.’

Flash

‘daken- you have to speak to me.’

Flash

‘damn it- say something!”

Flash

I open my mouth and vomit again.

I can't do much else. I don't know what's real. I don't know what's not. If I'm trapped inside of some fever dream or massive hallucination. 

I pray for that. That I'm still back at the Baxter Building. Or hell- when pressed, that I was still with Fury. At least Shifter was contained under Fury. 

“Ah… disgusting little mongrel.” Shifter chides in the present, shifting me from one spot on the wall to one that’s not as messy.

Wait-

This is real. 

Oh, fuck. 

This is real. With him. Here. Trapped. 

The vomit on the wall brushes against my unless hands.   
  
I might as well not have claws. 

But... yes. It was real. He took them. It had to be real. 

He had a saw. And pliers. 

I just know it was real. 

I'm too afraid to check. 

‘pathetic.’ Different scene now. Master in his chair, hands crossed in front of him, all those individual claws shining on display. “how dare you fail me? after all i've done for you?’

Flash

‘pathetic.’ Shifter is laying with me now… I think it’s another scene. He keeps an arm around my waist and is fingering my navel in an aggravating manner. ‘enough tears. ah, ah. shut up now. you’re making a fool of yourself. if you're going to cry, i'm going to start calling you baby instead of 'pet' or 'darling'. would you like that?’

“Look at you… so confused. Have you lost track of what conversation you’re supposed to be keeping up with?” Present again... I think.

“Yes.” I just responded meaning that this must be the real reality. The others are in my head. I can’t say anything back to the memories. Nothing I didn’t say when they happened.

He tears into me, smiling.

I feel his claws even when they're not in me. I have random moments of pain- even when he's not around. Like a flashback of some sort.

“Well let me help you…” He licks the side of my neck, trailing up to my jaw. “This is your reality. Okay? You and me. In here. Nothing can take you away from here. This is reality and there’s nothing that’s going to change that. Me and my little lover... stuck down here in the dark. If you're nice- we can leave this room. We can have a new 'reality'. Would you like that?”

Silence…I feel… weird. Something is happening. The room fades to darkness slowly, but I can still hear Shifter in the background.

Light almost blinds me. It’s coming in from an open window… no door. A set of doors. Large doors. The air coming in is cold- I like this place. This is a calming place- cold and dark in a different way. ‘you’re awake.’ He greets happily. ‘after the procedure today, i thought you’d stay asleep.’ Johnny kisses me gently- so much different than Shifter. ‘you should go get a shower… i’ve got some food on the stove. i really didn’t expect you to be up and about this soon.’ He smiles brightly. ‘guess it’s a happy surprise- huh?’

Flash.

“Focus.” Shifter hisses. The world snaps back to the room in an instant. This one is all cement… dark- The only light coming from a single hanging light bulb. “That’s right honey. Right here… stay here. Ugh... this is a bad angle.” He licks me again. "I don't think this is working." He whispers. "Maybe you should get on your knees and suck for a bit?" 

I'll vomit. He knows that. Of course he knows that. He knows everything.  
  
Shifter loves it when I'm sick. He loves making me sick. He likes that the very sight of him can make me dry heave. 

Flash. ‘you want to go where?’ Johnny’s laughing. More light. ‘daken it’s 6 am. you should be sleeping.’

“Let’s… go.” His smile… he’s so happy. I could stay in that moment. I could make it my reality. I have to answer him. He needs to leave with me. I don’t know where… but I remember that I want to go very badly.   
  
How can I not respond? 

“You will go nowhere.” Shifter hisses. Again the room snaps back into sight- so fast that it’s painful. “ You will stay here with me.”

What? Wait- Johnny The balcony… where? Where did they go?

The room is dark now. Pain radiates from low in my body, a panging, repeated burning sensation. There’s no sign of Johnny anywhere.

“That’s right.” He turns my face with his hand, scraping my cheek against the roughness of the cement wall behind us. I can see his face in my peripheral now. I wish that I couldn't... but I can. “Focus. Stay here. God. I might as well be masturbating with you spacing off like this." He clucks his tongue loudly. "And I don’t do that when I have a perfectly good partner… unless my partner is trying to deny me. Are you trying to deny me- dear? Is that what the last few days have been about?”

I can't.. help it. 

I can't focus on anything. Shifter is so angry... and when I try to defend myself, he just hurts me. 

I'm not trying to deny him. I wouldn't dare be so bold. 

Flash. 

The room gets slightly lighter. We’re back in the Baxter Building and its early evening. He’s over me, gently running his hand through my hair. ‘stay with me.’ He pleads. ‘come on back. it's okay... we're okay.’

“I’m-“

I snap back so fast that it hurts… a burning sensation along the neurons of my brain. “Answer the question!” Shifter slams my head into the wall he’s pinned me against. “Are you trying to deny me?”

"No!" I yelp. 

"No 'stop raping me' no or no 'you're not trying to deny me' no?" Shifter asks with a smirk. "You'll have to be clear." 

Blood runs down my face… but it doesn’t stop my vision from being stolen again.

Flash

‘pathetic.’ Years ago… several decades ago. It could have been a lifetime- I’m so different now. ‘if you can’t keep up- then you will have to suffer. there is no other option.’

Master…. holding me down. Hurting me.

Then there’s light again. ‘hey… you okay? it’s okay not to be- you know. you don’t have to act around me. you’re safe here.’ It almost brings tears to my eyes. I’m so… so fucking confused. What is real?

What does ‘real’ even mean anymore?

“You’re really starting to piss me off, Daken.” Shifter again. More darkness. The bulb is swaying now. Something in the room has shifted- displacing the air around it. “Really… you don’t want to do that. Focus dumbass.” He pounds harder. It’s painful. Too painful. This isn’t about his pleasure- this is about torture. I doubt even he could get off to this. It’s horrible. His face is set in a snarl as he moves. "You know how I hate it when you're distant." 

Another flash of light almost blinds me.

‘i’m going to kiss you- alright? tell me if i need to stop.’

“Johnny.” my voice sounds dazed and distant. Happy almost. This is my favorite. If this were real… and all the others were the delusions- I’d be happy. But… I don’t think it works like that. He presses against me… and I can’t feel him. There’s no heat behind his lips. There’s… nothing. “Johnny??”

No, no, no. Johnny- please. Come back. Please. 

Please... 

Don't...

  
Please don't leave. 

Not like Master. 

Please.... 

The room is dark again. 

“What?? Are you fucking serious? I’m right fucking here! Fucking you- at that! Don’t tell me you don’t feel this! I’ve been at you for an hour… you’re fucking coated in blood. There’s no way you could possibly be focusing on anything else! This is my power! I own you! I can take you at any moment I want… you have absolutely no control! You should be fucking terrified!” His movements increase as he shakes his head. “I’m literally ruining you and you’re calling out his name!? God I’m going to kill that man.” He smiles cruelly. "And I'm going to make you watch." He informs. "Maybe, if he's such a hero, he'll trade places with you. I know where they were scrambling to." He threatens. "A little day trip and Johnny's right here with you. Would you like that Daken? Hmm? Maybe we can have a threesome. Would that help? Should I go get him?" 

“Do- don’t.” His actions are starting to catch up to me as my head clears. "Please," I beg. "Don't." 

"Oh but I must." Shifter says innocently. 

I can feel the dried blood on my thighs. Really- size speaking- right now he’s not terribly huge. But… when used the right way- it doesn’t matter.

I don’t want to be here. I want to be with Johnny. Back in my bedroom. How do I get back there?

"Don't," I beg. "Please- no." 

“Don’t? Oh yes. Here we go.” He kicks one of my legs into a better position with his foot, busting my ankle in the process. A whimper escapes my lips. "I'll go as you. I'll kill him in front of all of your little friends and they'll hate you forever. They'll give you back to me. Willingly. What do you think?" 

"No!" I cry. "Please..." 

"Beg me not to." He orders. 

"Please don't." I beg. 

He forces my head to the side, gaining a better look of him. "Are you crying?" He asks with a smirk. 

Flash. ‘you’re okay.’ We’re back in the apartment. ‘just a nightmare.’

The room is dark… there are feathers coating the bed for some reason.

I remember- the blankets- back when they were expensive. I clawed through them. This scene was after the second procedure- when the nightmares got worse.

‘i’m leaving soon.’ He informs. ‘are you going to be okay?’

We weren’t dating… I wouldn’t let him stay. I should have asked him to stay.

“Come on you little bastard,” Shifter growls. The light sways again, casting odd shadows on his face. This form is attractive, but it’s a cold beauty. When he’s angry it’s almost frightening to look at. “I’m trying to enjoy myself here.” He's getting angrier... it's making him reckless. "If you don't want me to get Johnny, you're going to have to put in some effort." 

God. This could go on for hours. It’s not good for him… I’ve pissed him off too much. He’s not going to end it anytime soon. I have to do.. .something. I have to do something to get him to stop.

‘you should focus on something else.’

I hear the message… but there’s no scene. No flash of lights… nothing. It’s just words.

There was no flash. 

And it's him. It's his voice. It's so wonderful to hear. I don't care what it is. It was him. His voice. His voice- right now. Like... him. Here. Right now. 

‘please try. focus on something else. the floor. the ceiling. anything.’

Johnny.... oh please. Don't leave. If I could see you. If I could hear you.... oh please. Please don't leave.

'honey, i'm not going anywhere.' 

An answer?   
  
Was that...   
  
That was an answer. 

It wasn't cruel. 

It wasn't mean. 

It... he answered me. 

'i did answer you.' He responds. 'how are you? are you... where is he?' 

Shifter.. he's...

I'm sorry Johnny.   
  
I didn't want him to. 

  
I would never...   
  
I'm sorry. 

'is he hurting you?' 

  
This isn’t from the past… it has no scene with it- again. It’s just him… and it’s something I don’t think he’s said to me before. 'daken, what is he doing? where is he?' 

How is he talking to me? 

Do I care ?   
  
I want to hear his voice so badly. 

I don't care if it's a hallucination. 

'honey," Johnny's voice is so soft. 'is he with you?' 

I nod. 

"The fuck are you doing with your head?" Shifter hisses. "Hold still!" he orders.

'daken... can i... can we look at him?'

More burning as he pulls out and tries a different, more painful angle.

Who's we?   
  
How is he talking to me?  

‘this is confusing, i know, but you’ll get why in a bit- okay? can we enter your mind and find out what's going on?' 

"Enter-"   
  
"If you say so." Shifter chuckles, thrusting harshly. 

'it will just let us hear and see what you're seeing.' Johnny's voice informs. 'can we listen to him?' 

No.. no.. 

You'll know... 

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I can't stop him. He... he took my claws. Please- please don't leave. 

'what's he doing, honey?' 

I can't tell you.

'can you let me hear?' 

I nod. 

"Stop moving!" Shifter hisses, taking a claw and shredding my back. "I already told you once!" 

'can we?' 

Is it real? 

'it's real. can we listen? we need to know what's going on.' 

... yes. 

My mind feels heavy. Like I've been weighed down with something. 

"Spread your legs." Shifter demands. "I see you trying to move away." 

There. 

I can hear the wet sounds that go along with sex. The slight groans and whimpers that leave my mouth without my consent. 

'that fucker!' Johnny's voice raises and it makes me shudder. 'daken, we're trying to find you. we need you to tell us about the room you're in. about the place he's housing you in.' 

"Oh baby," Shifter sings, "You're drifting again!" He grabs my hair and pulls my head back with it, arching my back. I see the world through tear blurred eyes. 

I'm so sorry Johnny. 

"focus on something else for me. ' Johnny pleads. "please honey, try to look at something else. something in the room. we need details about the room. i know it's hard, i know he's wrecking you, but it will be over soon.’

“How-“

“How what?” Shifter asks cruelly. "How are you doing? Shitty. How do you look? Shitty. How do you sound? Pathetic. How do you smell? Horrific." He smiles before freezing. "What did I tell you about your legs?" He kicks the back of my legs, caving my right one and making me smack into the wall.

'my god.' Johnny's voice. 'daken- don't talk out loud. don't let him hear you. and don't tell him you're talking to me- okay?' 

God, he’s angry. What did I do? Why is he like this today? I know it started a few days ago… when the flashes started. But-

 'you didn't do anything- okay? this isn't your fault at all. you need to stop thinking things like that.'

"Spread your legs or get kicked," Shifter says behind me. "It's not really that hard of a concept to grasp." 

I'm as wide as I can go. I don't know what he expects of me. 

The scene starts to shift again- but it stops midway, throwing me back into the room again.

‘we have to suppress that for a while.’ Johnny explains, making me jump. ‘we really just managed to get close enough to get to you… we need you to focus on what we’re telling you- okay? do as we say.’

How do I know that this is real? What is to say that this isn’t another hallucination?

I want him so badly. 

Just hearing his voice is a life raft. It saves me from drowning. 

‘you’re just going to have to trust me. look over him… at the room.’

 

Shifter picks up his pace. “Fuck you, you little half-breed.” He growls. “What- did I do something too hard for you? Did I slap you too much? Have I squashed out what little intelligence you had left out of that rotting excuse of an organ that you call a mind? God this isn’t even doing it right now! Tense up or something! Do I really need to keep beating you for you to get the message?? Stop just fucking standing there! Do something!”

I need to see the room. 

Johnny needs to see the room. 

"Shifter-" My voice is a whisper. 

"Hmm?" 

Do I really want to suggest this because a voice in my head told me to? Johnny or not- it’s a voice. What if it means to harm me? 

"I can suck you if you put me on the bed." I'm surprised my voice sounds strong at this point.  

"I don't want you to suck me." He says darkly. "I want to pound your ass until you black out."  He pauses, stopping entirely for a moment. "OR I come. Whichever comes first."  

"Please..." I beg. "The bed."  

"Lazybones." He clucks his tongue. "You want me to take you to the bed? You want to make love? You like it when we make love- don't you? Your poor little constitution just can't handle being fucked raw repeatedly. You like it when I'm gentle." He pauses again. "Let me hear you beg." His favorite line. "Beg me to put you on the bed."  

I throw up again. I can't help it. 

Shifter cackles. 

I'm so sick.  Why is this happening? When does it end? 

Johnny... how are you talking to me? I need  something real. Please- please... just... don't leave. 

'rachel's patching me through.' Johnny answers immediately. 'i'm sharing the information with the others over a comlink. we've narrowed down where he parked the jet... but there's a lot of land, honey. you could be anywhere. it could take a while. stay strong- okay? it's going to be over soon.'  

“Come on baby.” He says more gently, almost whining really. “Do something. Please. Don’t make me hurt you.”

My voice cracks when I address the man. “You… you’d feel better if we were in a different position. That's what you need. You could get better-”

“Better what?” He stops and turns my head with his hand, putting it at a painful angle. 

“Access?” I offer. "You'll come." I say when that's not working. 

"Access." He says in a deadly serious tone. "And I'll come?" 

I nod in hard, jerking movements. 

"I can make you feel good." 

'daken,' Johnny's voice. 'hold on. i'm coming to get you, i promise.' 

Shifter snorts. “Oh really now? You think so? Maybe you just don’t want to take it this way… you want to tell me what to do. My little whore wants to share his wealth of knowledge now.”

“Please… a new position. I can’t.. stand on my feet anymore.” I beg. "Please put me on the bed." 

"Is that begging?" From what I can see of his eyes, I can see a slight glint. 

I nod again. "Please," I beg. "Please put me on the bed." 

Shifter stops, pulling out.“Ah. You can’t stand on your feet anymore… I should be more considerate. Taking you against the wall was better conceptually, I think.” He kisses my neck before backing off. “Get on the bed.” He orders. “Hurry darling... while I've still got it up.”

‘fuck.’ Johnny’s voice sounds pained. ‘okay daken, look at the room. tell me what you see.’

I see Shifter, naked, blood-soaked, and almost painfully erect. He’s coated in my blood. Behind him are a set of those hooks he likes so much. His hand, also coated in blood, points towards the gray cot near us. I stand still, almost afraid to move.

‘not him. you don't have to look at him- not yet. look at the room honey.’

It’s too dark. The light bulb isn’t giving enough light.

‘alright.. don’t push too hard, if you can’t see, you can’t see. did you walk into this room straight away or were there stairs?’

Stairs. A shit ton of them.

I can see the dark, narrow, passage they lead up to. All those stairs… they hurt going down. He was dragging me. He was dragging me because I stabbed him- I remember now. I fought back today… and then he beat my head into the concrete and dragged me down here. But he scared me into fighting back. He was going to kill me! I had to. I had to. Master is going to be so angry.... Shifter was so angry. He took my claws. He's done it a few times, but never like today. I'm worried they won't grow back. 

'he took your claws?' Johnny demands. 

I nod- forgetting that he can't see me. 

"You're just asking for me to break your neck-aren't you?" Shifter asks. "All these head movements. Like you're holding a conversation with yourself. Or with me. Fuck I love that I'm one of your hallucinations." He actually smiles. "I love making a good impression on people." Shifter backs me into the cot… smiling when I jump as he touches me. He follows my eyes to the stairs. “You weren’t thinking of leaving- were you? That’s an awful lot of stairs… If you tried to go up them, I’d just follow you to the top and push you down. You don’t want that- do you?”

“…”

“No?” He says playfully. “You’re not saying much… where are your normal questions- hmm?” He's got me sitting on the cot now. I can feel the scratchy material underneath me.

“Where are we?” Tell me. Please. Tell me something worth while. 

'try not to take too many risks, daken.' Not Johnny's voice. 

Rachel? 

' were you awake when he took you in the compound?' she questions. 

Yes. 

I fought him. 

There's... a split a tree. He was dragging me on the ground... and I cut through some trees in the forest.

'forest?' Johnny cuts in. 'he drug you through a forest?' 

Yes. 

And then... he threw me down a hole. 

'threw you down a hole.' Johnny repeats. 

“Ah, there’s one. Your favorite one. You don’t remember? You were conscious when we came in here… I took you from your little ‘guardian’ and you got upset and stabbed me. So… I beat the shit out of you and dragged you here. You regained mobility about half way down the stairs and could walk that portion. This ringing any bells?”

“That's not my question." I say brokenly. 

“That it's not." Shifter grins. "Look at you. Such... stupidity. Fine. We’re… down? Get me? We’re lower than all the other rooms. That’s why it’s so dark and cold. Are you done? You’re wasting time, baby. Time we don't have anymore thanks to miss bitch.”

I haven’t flashed since… why am I not going in and out anymore?? I can't face this on my own. I can't deal with this without distraction.

Shifter moves closer, his tongue darting over his bottom lip- a quick flash of pink on the otherwise pale surface. Shifter started off tan… now he’s pale. I think his shifting gets off the more tired he grows. I think X… she said something about this before. She said he couldn’t hold the same form for a long time… that they started to vary. Speaking of-

“Where’s X?”

“So talkative all of the sudden.” He uses his mass to hold me against the mattress.

“You told me to ask questions.” I try to reason.

“No- I asked why you WEREN’T asking questions. I didn’t say you should start.”

“…”

“ IF you HAVE to know- she’s in your ‘room’.” He laughs, waving his hand through the air as if to push the notion aside. As it were something frivolous. “Where she always is.” He puts a hand on the inside of my thigh. “You’re stalling, lover. Times up. Lay back.”

X is in my room. It's the furthest from the door. 

'we've talked to her.' Johnny affirms. 'she's scouting the compound for clues.' 

“Just.. need to catch my breath.”I say to Shifter. 

“Oh, we don’t want that.” He chides again. “Don’t want you to have enough time to think to do something stupid again. I didn’t appreciate your little ‘present’ earlier. You’re supposed to be doing this to make it up to me- remember? And let me tell you darling- you’re doing a shit job of it.” Adding pressure to his well-placed hand, he starts to maneuver himself into a more comfortable position. He finally settles- resuming his actions like he'd never stopped.

‘god.' Johnny sounds sick. ' alright. alright- you're in a room that really dark, purely cement, and it has stairs. so you’re under the main compound.’

This can’t be real. If this is real how the fuck is HE talking to me? Last I checked- Johnny isn’t a telepath . He couldn’t do this. No matter how much I want him to.

'daken, this is important,' Rachel presses, 'where did you mark the trees?' 

There was... a farmhouse. A little dirt road and then the woods. 

He dragged me over a stream...

'a stream? wait- okay.' Johnny sounds disorganized. 'your dad is.... okay.' He stops again. 'we've got your scent.' 

They've... they've got my scent?

“Hmm… comfortable now dear? I’d hate for you to be in pain.” He smiles wickedly. "You were right. This is SO much better."

‘you have to make him think everything’s normal.’ Johnny again. ‘keep acting normal, and i swear that we will fry this bastard.  one last question honey, have you seen any windows in any of the rooms you’ve been in?’

"Stop." I don't know if this was at them or at Shifter. There're too many things going on at once.

"Don't tell me what to do." Shifter growls, slapping my face hard enough to make my vision swim. 

'i'm sorry. i really am. but we can't stop. you need to listen. you need to answer. windows- have you seen any windows?

No! God no! Leave me alone.

This is too much. I can't... with him. and them. And... it's a  lie. It has to be a lie. 

'we can't.' he restates. 'please- stop fighting us. i promise that we're trying to help'

'are there windows?' Rachel repeats. 

NO... No windows. Never any windows. No windows- no sunlight. Somewhere deep and dark…why is this happening? Why does my brain have to torture me? It's not him. It's not them. It's a trick. 

'oh honey, it's not a trick.' Johnny says gently. 'we're here. we got your scent at the house and followed it back through the woods- it must have come with him when he left wherever he's holding you. We found a set of footprints too- we're guessing they're his.' 

Footprints? Scents? This is impossible. 

I feel myself on the verge of collapsing. It's happened a few times. Shifter takes it oddly. Sometimes he lets me stay down and taunts me. Other times it pisses him off. 

"daken- please. work with us- okay? please. i'm going to find you. i'm almost there infact. i promise. can you hold out for thirty more minutes? thirty minutes tops." 

No. Becuase you're not real. 

None of this is real. 

None of this- 

"Oh such pretty tears." Shifter coos. 

None of this is real. 

I've got to lay here and hear his voice tell me these lies that I want more than anything else... and happens next? I come to. I come to underneath him. And he hurts me. And he mocks me. And he keeps me here for years and years until there's nothing left of me to find. And then-   
  
'shhh.' I can almost feel this heaviness in my mind. 'it's okay.' Johnny says. 'it's okay honey. it's all gonna be okay.' 

This isn't real. 

There is no reality outside of the one I'm in. There is no escape. 

'it's very real.' Johnny presses. 'you haven't seen any windows? you're underground. there was a stream. he's not there all the time is he?'

No windows.  

I couldn't feel more defeated.

There were trees. A farm house. Animals. A stream. A hole that's covered up by some shit- it's got a scanner on it. 

"okay." He soothes. 'okay daken. that's good. and you're underground?'

We're buried somewhere deep and dark. Away. Where no one will find me.  

'i'll find you.' Johnny's voice is barely a whisper. 'i promise. i've been looking for you for weeks- nonstop. he can't stop me.' 

I want to believe him.... but this could very well be another trick. Shifter hasn't said anything- though. Usually when something like this happens he says something. He's being eerily quiet- like he's trying to focus. 

Maybe he's getting limp dick. It's happened before when I pissed him off. 

Do I want that to happen again? He went ballistic. 

"The fuck are you staring at?" Shifter growls, brows scrunched together.  

Oh god.  

I feel acid climbing the back of my throat.  

At least I'm on my back. When he puts me on my knees he shreds my back. I like to keep it covered.  

Unfortunately that means I have to look at his face.

'close your eyes.' Johnny says. 'close them tight and don't open them until we tell you to.'  

"Oh now you don't want to look at me?" Shifter slaps my face, hard. Hard enough to make me dizzy. "Look at me."

Johnny? What do I-   
  
"LOOK AT ME!" He orders, voice deepening. 

I feel his bulk starting to grow. He's heavier on top of me. By my head, his fingers don their pointed claws- slowly shifting from tan to black. Like latex. Like shadow. Like-

"I said look at _me_. Not my hand." 

"I'm looking." I mumble. 

"No." He turns my face towards him.   
  
Seeing him in this form gives me the feeling of being trapped in a horror movie. 

I always wonder how he can see me. This form has no eyes. He has eye sockets like some kind of void. 

He used not to have them. This form is morphing as the days go by. He changes it to find new ways to scare me. 

'don't be scared.' Johnny says. 

"You're tensing up." He whispers. "You love this form- don't you?" 

I shake my head- knowing better than to ignore a direct question like that. 

"Yes you do." He laughs, skin turning back tan. 

'you don't have to look at him anymore." Johnny says in the gentlest voice he can muster. "we're gonna take your vision- okay? rachel's gonna borrow it and you won't have to see anything.' 

I'd... like that. 

The thoughts just occurred to me that if this is ,in fact, real, I'm sharing this experience with an unknown number of people. It makes me warm with embarrassment. 

"i'll not tell them anything.' Johnny promises. But he already has. I think. 

'not anything in detail.' 

 

Turn back.. face him. Try not to vomit again.

“Oh hey.” He says charmingly. “You want to look at me now? Look at you… being all romantic suddenly. You can stare all you want honey. Let me so those eyes as I snuff out whatever is going on behind them.” Wow. That's dark. Even for him.

I actually don’t see him. Everything’s gone fuzzy.

Either this is a really fucking vivid delusion.. or-

“You like this face- don’t you?” Shifter teases. “Let me tell you something secret- it’s my real form. Let that sink in. Your worst nightmare? A twenty-something grad school student. Surprised dear? You wonder where I go when I’m not with you? Or why I spend more time with you on some days than others? I’m doing shit for school. I come down here- fuck the shit out of you, tear your insides out through your gut, and then clean up and go do something else. I’ve had friends over this compound- you know. There have been people standing directly over your head… and they didn’t have a clue.”

“You’re lying.” I gasp.

Please be lying. Please, please, please be lying. 

Is the compound that hard to find? 

Someone could have rescued me but they didn’t know I was down here. What hope does Johnny have? 

And that’s if he really is coming in the first place. 

I’m still not sold on that part. 

Things are getting dark. They aren’t making sense anymore. He’s… back to what he was doing before. That thing I can’t seem to force myself to say.

And… I’m unable to do anything.

'logan found the trees.' Johnny says quickly. 'what do you remember after the trees?'

I can see Shifter now, smiling. “Maybe about the grad school. I’m actually taking classes online now. I’m trying to finish up my psychology courses at home- you see. You want the real truth darling? I live about five minutes from here. In a nice house my parents left me after their untimely auto accident. A nice, big, ol’ farm house. Lots of land to play with. Maybe.. after you’ve been in here for a while- and I know you won’t try to run- I’ll take you there. You can go live with me while your brain rots. You’ll make a great case study afterward. I’ll write a bunch of papers on you- get them published. We’ll have to wait for the press around you to die down of course. Maybe… I dunno. Fifty years?” 

“Fifty-“ 

“You think you’re the only one who heals. Who won’t age. Ah that’s precious.” He smirks. “Shapeshifters make excellent regenerators- you know. Every heard of one Raven Darkholme?” 

Mystique? 

“Kinda a hero of mine.” 

“I know her.” It slips out. I don’t know why. 

He actually stops. “You know Mystique?” 

I nod. 

At one point- I thought he was Mystique. Or someone closely related. God only knows how many kids she’s got running around. 

“Learn something new everyday.” He smiles. “I’d love to impregnate her. Our offspring would be so… powerful.” 

That’s odd. 

She’d probably be down for it- though. 

“All of this is said to say this- I won’t age. You’ll be my pet for a long, long time.It’ll be wonderful. What a good little house pet you’ll make. And no one around here will know your real story. They’ll think I’m such a good little doctor for taking care of you. They’ll ask how I can muster such kindness instead of throwing you into a sanatorium. And I’ll just smile… tell them what a good patient you are. They won’t have to know what we do when they’re not there… and even if you tell them- by then you’ll be so insane that no one will believe you. They’ll ask for proof. Scars- darling. And we both know that you can’t have those.”

“Doctor?” 

“Psychiatrist.” He grins. “You could use one- you know. You seem to be suffering from a lot of trauma.” 

And he laughs. 

And laughs. 

And laughs. 

“Psych-“

“That’s the part of that statement you want to focus on??” He laughs loudly. “Yes. I’m trying to enter the field of Psychology. That’s why you’re so interesting. That’s why all of my darlings are interesting.” He smiles. “It’s also why I don’t get caught.”

‘gotcha.’ Johnny says ominously. 'bastard.'

A hole. Johnny-  I remember a hole. 

'hold tight honey.'  Johnny says. 'we're here.'  

“Enough of this confession shit,” Shifter says, making my legs bend uncomfortably. “Like you’ll remember any of it. We're going to wrap this up, darling. You were completely right- a change in position is just what I needed. You've been so helpful... I think you need to be rewarded. I was thinking maybe a bath... ” To be honest, going into the bathrooms here give me boarder-line anxiety attacks. He drowns me- there's no cloth in between us- it's not fun. It does not conjure up nice memories.

What’s ‘gotcha’? Was this a joke? Was my brain-

“What’s wrong sweetheart?” he teases. “You look sad. Don't you want to be clean?”

“I-“

“I’ll run some warm water this time.” He sounds like he’s bribing me. “And we’ll skip your hair. I know how you hate it when I wash your hair.” 

Hence the whole ‘drowning’ bit. 

“Though, if we’re being honest,” He leans over, getting into my ear. “It could stand a washing. Whens the last time the science freak washed you? Like thoroughly. Whens the last time your hair was washed?” 

“Two nights ago.” 

Direct questions have to be answered. 

“Are you sure?” 

I nod. 

“Well then- she did a shit job.” He snaps his fingers. “I’ll have to wash it then. Damn. Thought we could skip that.” Then he smirks. “Guess we’ll have to give you the full treatment then. Wash under your nails and behind your ears- like a good little puppy. Get you  nice and clean. What do you say about that?”

“I-“ 

A sound from upstairs steals out attention. It makes his face lose every single drop of human emotion. For a second I think he’s going to swap into his monstrous form. The ground and walls shake violently a second before another noise follows. It sounds like something massive trying to come through the fucking ceiling.

“Hmm.” He mutters. “Mongrel… what do you think that was?”

“Earthquake?” My voice is weak.

“Really? You sure? It sounded very close to someone running into the compounds outer defenses.” His movements start to grow harsher for some reason. As if the thought of someone finding him only encourages him to hurry.

“How would I know?”I plead. "Shifter please-" I beg. "Please stop!' 

'i'm here!' Johnny assures. "i'm here daken... but the compound is split into two different sections. i'm trying to find you.' 

Maybe.. it was real? Maybe that’s what the ‘gotcha’ was…

‘five minutes.’ Rachel again. ‘this place is a labyrinth. but we’ve got about twelve people on the ground now… they’re checking all the rooms- just looking for the ones with stairs. keep him still for five minutes.’

“No… there’s something my little lover isn’t telling me.” His voice takes on a low growl. “He’s been acting weird today… stabbing me- getting delusional and upset over the littlest of things…. I think you know more than you’re telling me.” He moves my legs again. "What aren't you telling me?"

A third explosion- that’s what the noise is. Someone’s blowing shit up.

"I don't know what you want me to say." I beg. "Please- shifter. I know nothing." 

“Ain't that the truth." Shifter chuckles. "Why are there people hitting the compounds defenses?" He demands. "What did you do?" 

"I did nothing!” 

“You did nothing?” He sneers. “I doubt that. And even if you didn’t do- I’m going to blame it on you anyway. Might as well accept your punishment now. It’s coming regardless.” 

“I didn’t do it!’ 

I’m lying. 

I did do it. 

If that’s Johnny- if that’s what I think it is- I did do it. 

Maybe he’s right to punish me. 

More explosions sound off- further away this time. 

“Fuck.” he looks up at the ceiling. “They found the other door.” 

Other door? 

"I get it now.” he snaps his fingers. "Your little 'outbursts' over the last hour make sense now that I think about it." Shifter’s eyes are wide- deranged almost. “Has my little half breed been having a conversation with someone that he shouldn’t have?” He asks knowingly. “In between all those lovely little delusions? We’re close- aren’t we? You have no secrets from me. Did a little birdie get in my lunatics head and ask some questions? Questions that he knew he shouldn’t answer- but that he did anyway?”

".."

"Ah, come now. Don't be shy. Have you been talking to strangers- lover?"

"Please..." I beg. 

Shifter girns. "Not the answer I'm looking for." He takes a hand, elongating his fingers until the claws of his monstrous form, and slashes my face. It's an explosion of blood and pain.  

"Have you been talking to someone else??" He demands. 

"No!" I whimper.

He jams his finger into my eye socket, causing more pain. The world is blurry again. 

"Have you, mongrel, been talking to strangers?" He keeps up his punishing pace. I feel thoroughly wrecked. 

“NO!” 

“I will drag you out of here and hang you from a hook again if you lie to me one more time!” He snarls. “Have you been talking to a telepath??” 

“Yes.” leaves my lips unbidden. “Yes. I'm sorry." I plead. “I'm so sorry. Please- I’m so, so-" 

“Oh really?” He pulls out before slamming himself back into me with a grunt- finishing his act. When he catches his breath he stands to his feet, walking over to his discarded clothing in quick strides and starting to dress. “Get up.” He orders as he pulls up his jeans. “We’re leaving before they come any closer. You’re going to regret this.” He laughs darkly. “Our next location isn’t anywhere near as nice as this place.”

“No.” Tears are in my eyes, mixing with the blood and pus of the reforming eye. I shake my head, pulling myself back onto the cot- away from him. "No." 

“No?” He chuckles as his form starts to bulk up… his skin becoming dark as his jaw distends and expands, filling with rows of razor-edged teeth. “Want to run that by me again, lover?”

“I-“

The ground shakes again.

“I’m not going with you.” More tears. "You.. can't... I can't..." 

“Really now?” The massive form grabs my arm, claws ripping into my muscles as it pulls me off the bed and onto the floor. “Then, I will force you and you will be in pain. And then when we get to where we're going- you will be in more pain. I will hurt you so badly that you will BEG for me to go back to what we did here.”

Five minutes… they asked for five minutes. I need…

“You can get away." I bribe him. "You can get away and leave!" 

"Not without you, lovey.' He gasps. "I've spent so much time on you! Plus, we both now you're filled with blood and semen. All of which can be traced back to me... skin under your nails... semen.... hair you've accidently pulled out.... I'm literally coating you." 

"I want to make love!" I beg, not knowing what else to do. "Like you said. I don't want to leave... I'm ruined. We can hide down here and you can do what you want!" 

"Now you're just saying what I want to hear." He clucks the tongue I know for a fact isn't actually in this forms mouth. "Come on Daken, you're better than this." 

"I want to stay here." I beg. "Please... please..." His mouth opens wide, showing off teeth. "I"m scared of the explosions!" 

“Logical.” He seems to be mulling it over. “But logically I KNOW that they’ve told you to stay in one place. They know that you’re with me… they probably talked to the clone bitch too. They might even already have her in protective custody. That takes care of that problem- doesn’t it? Now who is going to fight for poor little mongrel?”

An explosion goes off very, very close to us. The aftershocks can be felt all through the room- the light is swaying everywhere at the force of it. Some kind of form is knocked down the long stairwell. I can’t really see what it is- but I can hear it hit several of the steps as it descends.

“Oh- fuck you.” He growls. “Fuck you, you worthless little half breed. I’ve gotten away with this FIFTY TIMES. You think your little games are going to be the thing that brings me down?? What did you think would happen mongrel!? How did you think this would go down? That you’d get to walk away?? That you’d go back to your little life while I was left to rot somewhere?? I can’t be killed! I won’t be killed! You think you can get away from me? I will BURY you. I will-“

I really don’t know what I expect to happen next… but I’m stunned when the man holding me screeches and releases my arm. “What the FUCK!?” He demands, furiously clawing at his arm… which is on fire?

I can’t really track where that came from. I fall back to the floor and move away from him.

He puts the fire out and turns his massive head towards the door, where a figure is stepping over the massive... door. That's what fell down the stairs! Someone blew the door off.

“OH LOOK! It’s the boyfriend!” Shifter says with sadistic glee. “Look mongrel… your knight in shining armor is here. And look- he’s charging to his death.” He claps his hands. "Did you get to see our little performance? Your boy takes it like a champ. You should be proud." He grins at Johnny's disgusted expression. "Oh and don't worry. I've totally broken him into all sorts of things. Piss, blood- he does this wonderful thing with vomit. Really- he'll do whatever you want him to now" That massive form laughs, teeth exposed and shining. "You're welcome for that."

“Oh? How kind of you. I just love hearing how you've been abusing someone I love. It's totally going to make me go that much easier on you.” Johnny’s voice is clear, but it’s holding the undertone of something dark. 

“Oh you’re quite welcome. In fact, if you were to walk away from his- you know, if I weren’t going to kill you-“ My heart freezes. “I’d suggest that you fuck him as often as possible. I’ve got him on a certain schedule- you see. He works better when he knows his place. He only knows his place when you show him.” He glares at me. “And after this little stunt, mongrel,” he motions to Johnny. “You obviously need to be reminded. AGAIN.” 

“Shifter-“ 

“Say my name baby. We’ll get rid of this,” his claws get longer. “And be on our way.” 

“I don’t think so.” Johnny flexes his hand. 

“Like I care what you think.” Shifter scoffs. 

“Johnny- run.” I know Shifter’s going to kill him. I know it. “Just run.” My voice is trembling. 

“I’m not going anywhere.” he says gently. “Come on, Daken. Get off the floor. I’ll get you out of here.” 

“He’s staying where he is.” Shifter growls. 

Silence passes between us as they glare each other down. 

“This is pointless.” Johnny growls. 

“You're pointless.” 

“That’s just childish.” Johnny seems done. “Nice trick by the way. Your little kidnapping. I have to say- making us think you were going to blow up a building… really took balls. Though next time you want to steal a JET to get away I suggest you take out all of the GPS and tracking systems.”

“I did.” Shifter growls.

“Obviously not as well as you thought. Honestly- you steal a jet… and you steal it from Reed Richards? You think he wouldn’t have a million and one ways to track that down?”

“Well… next time-“

“Next time?” Johnny snorts. “What makes you think there will be a next time??” He looks at me. "I'm coming, Daken." He says softly. "I'm going to take care of this dick- and then we're leaving. Alright? We're not going to stay here another minute." He turns his eyes back to Shifter. "Any last words?"

Shifter backs up, his form shrinking some. “Oh please. Drop the act. You’re the ‘Human Torch’. A villain’s wet dream. You’ll knock me out and cuff me, and then put me in prison, where I get to wake up and conceive my next big plan.” He chuckles. “I’ll be out in a week.” He leans down and yanks me up, standing me on my feet and holding onto my arm again.

“There won’t be any prison,” Johnny says, walking further into the room. He’s not in his uniform… he’s in black. It’s not like him to do missions out of costume. “You’re part of Fury’s little gang and NONE of them even made it to the inside of a courtroom. Fuck none of them even made it into custody! What do you think makes you so god damn special?”

“Just let us go.” I try to bargain where Johnny’s failing. “Please, Shifter. I won’t tell anyone about you.” 

Shifter clucks his tongue. “But I want you to tell people about me.” He says. “I want them to know about the man who destroyed you.” 

I pull away from him. “Let me go.” I try again. 

. This form scares me. If there's a way out of here- I'm taking it.

“Shut up.” He growls before slapping me to the floor. “Unless you want to show Johnny boy just how pretty your insides look.”

“You fucking psycho,” Johnny says quietly. “Step away from him.” 

Johnny's hands are on fire. 

“Ah… see now I’m sensing some sour grapes.” Shifter takes my arm back into his hold, shredding it again, causing blood to splash on the floor. “I think you’re mad at me, Johnny dear. I think you don’t like sharing….” He chuckles darkly, “But then it’s not really sharing if you never got to ‘play’ in the first place- now is it?”

“Back away from him,” Johnny says clearly. He looks tired… I doubt he’s slept since this started. “Slowly.” His hand is engulfed in flames.

“Go ahead.” Shifter spits. “Try it. I’ll keep him right here… the second you hit him with that- he loses it. He’ll not be able to tell what’s you and what’s- “ he stops. “Ya know what- as clichéd as it is- let’s try a new game.”

His voice shifts as his form shrinks. “Now what?” Johnny asks from behind me.

“Oh fuck you.” The other one groans. “Really? Of all the things you could have done- you choose this? This old ‘which is the real one routine?’ You are such a hack.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The man behind me swings a fist at the back of my head. It was enough of a surprise to knock me over for a second.

“Seriously? Stay the fuck over there! This WON'T confuse him.” Johnny says in an exasperated voice. “Are you really trying to do this? THIS? Do you really think this will work for you?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about you lunatic!”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about- change back to your form and take it like a man!’

“You change back to YOUR form!”

“This IS my form!”

It’s… like a bad spy movie. Two of them- identical. The whole ‘don’t shoot me- shoot them!” routine. I can see why Johnny was so frustrated.

“Akihiro- you need to attack him.” One says gently. “We’re in too close quarters- I can’t unless we want to set the place on fire.”

“Actually… that’s pretty damn sound.” The other one says with a lot of amazement. “I really didn’t think about it… blasting the structural integrity while we’re underground will bury us. You don't have to attack him, though. I'll deal with him. You just back away- okay?”

Another blast steals all of our attention. A second after it, the ground starts to shake uncontrollably.

“God damn it.” One Johnny sighs. “They don’t know I’ve found you. I ran off without a comlink and I can't get Rachel to get Logan… Logan has like three heavy hitter x-men up there. They are literally tearing this place apart.”

“What?” The other Johnny seems to be in confusion

“X-men.” Johnny snaps, stretching the word out slowly. “You stole Wolverine’s son -dumb ass. You didn’t think that the x-men would eventually get involved?”

The floor starts to shake again… for longer this time. Dust starts to fall from the ceiling.

Both Johnnys are silent for a moment, looking up at the ceiling. “Damn it! Rachel can’t get through to Logan… he’s completely out of it. They found something in another room that made him totally go off the deep end…. The x-men are following his lead and he’s having them wreck the place completely. They’re not even trying to keep it standing.” He looks at me. “We’ve got to go. Your father is trying to bulldoze this place into a crater and his buddies are helping get it there faster.”

“Yes… your dad is really trying to save you. We have to leave Akihiro! Take him out! Let’s go!”

“Shut up and let me think!” Things are going a little hazy. "I know which one of you is which... I just need a moment to process."

“Alright… but you don’t have long- okay? I’ll give you like maybe three minutes before I get you out of here… as soon as we’re clear- he’ll be buried and we’ll have no sure way of knowing he’s dead. Obviously, that’s not going to work for you. So we need to grab  him, and get you both upstairs- alright? We have to clear two levels to get to the surface.”

Things start to flash again… Why now? I thought they were- ‘daken…’ Rachel interrupts that thought, her voice sounding pained. ‘i’ve got to get out of your head now- alright? i can’t repress anything for you now- i need to focus all of my power into holding the building up so you can get out... storm and logan have wrecked the main structure - whatever they found has made them shut off communications. they are trying to go for blood here. they don’t know that we’ve found you…. they think you’re dead and I can’t get into their heads to tell hem otherwise.’

Lights again. Lots of voices. I find myself on the ground, looking up at the identical sets of black jeans in front of me.

“Yea.” One of them soothes. “She told me she was going to have to let you go. It’s alright- okay? I’m going to take care of you.” He glares at the other Johnny before reaching out to me. “Come on, Daken. Let’s go home.”He offers his arms to me. "Let's go home." He repeats. "Just let me take you home.. this can be over." 

God, I want that. I want that so badly. 

No one is talking in my head. 

Scenes are flashing around like lightening. 

“Baby- don’t go with him.“ The other one says simply. “Come here. We’ll burn our way out this way- alright? Just come with me.”

“You can’t ‘burn’ your way out!” Johnny says with a chuckle. “We’re underground! If you’re going to lie- at least make it convincing.”

“Don’t listen to him baby. We have to go. I’m trying to protect you- alright? Come on- come with me. The telepath- she’s out of your head now. I know things are getting bad… I know you’re suffering from flashes and-“

“Baby?” I question. 

“Akihiro- none of that matters- come away from him. Come to me.”

“No.”

“Baby-“

“I’m not your baby!” I move away from him and to the other Johnny. He doesn't hesitate to take me into his arms. "Hold on." He whispers in my ear. "Just hold on." 

"What are you doing Akihiro!?" The other Johnny demands. "Get over here- lover-" he stops, staring at us with a confused look on his face. 

“Ha! There you go.” Johnny says triumphantly. “Know your subjects- Shifter. You fucking talentless prick. You didn't even remember our telepaths name.”

Johnny has never once in his life referred to me as 'lover'. No one has. If I needed any more assurance that I'd chosen the right one- I have it. 

“What did you just call me?” Shifter growls, his voice coming out of Johnny's body is unnerving. 

“I called you a talentless prick.” Johnny repeats. “And don’t think you’re getting away because this building is coming down. Change forms and lead me out… maybe we can negotiate how you get to go out.”

“Please.” The man snorts. "Like I'm going to be scared of a little boy who throws firecrackers."

“Firecrackers? You're dissing my powers? All yours do is hide you. What the hell kind of -" He sighs. "You know what- it doesn't matter. This isn't about me. Do as I say or else. Once Logan finds out you’re in here- not even a pile of rubble will be able to save you. He’ll dig you out and MAKE SURE you’re dead. And if you’re not- which we both know you won’t be- man you’re going to wish you were.”

There's dead silence for a second.

"You think what Laura did to you was bad?? Wait for Logan. That metal that hurts so much? Ya- it's all over him. He could crush you with his fucking hand if he wanted to."

That's a lie. He can't. Johnny's trying to scare him into showing us the way out.

“Fine!”  I see one of the Johnny's shifts back into the man from before, he’s wearing bloody blue jeans and missing a shirt. It’s clear who he is and what he’s been up to. “Darling- come on. We’ve got to get topside before your idiot father buries us.” He goes to grab me- I think out of reflex.

I can’t move from Johnny's arms… flashes and voices… things are going to fast. The building is starting to groan. If Rachel's trying to hold it up- she's on her last legs

The floor is shaking and I can’t tell if it’s because it’s collapsing or if it’s because I’m seeing things.

“You don’t touch him!” Johnny takes this moment to let me go and punch the shit out Shifter- knocking him to the ground. “You don’t look at him!” He kicks the man in the gut, knocking the wind out of him. “You don’t talk to him! Got it??” He gives another solid kick, making Shifter curl into a ball. 

"Fuck you!" He cries. 

"I will incinerate you." Johnny continues to kick him. 

I watch with a morbid fascination. Shifter is my monster. My boogie man. The thing in under my bed. 

Johnny doesn't seem scared. No- Johnny... Johnny's angry. 

Shifter curls in on himself and cries out- "I won't touch him!" 

"And you won't talk to him?" Johnny huffs, a little winded. 

Shifter doesn't answer. 

“I asked you a fucking question!”

“I won't talk to him.” He says lowly. 

"If you even think about escaping- they will hunt you down." Johnny continues. "If you swap forms or go to change in any way- I will set you on fire. Do you understand?" 

"You can't take me prisoner in my own compound." Shifter hisses. "Who does that??" 

"I do that." Johnny glares at him. "Do you understand?" 

"Yes," Shifter growls. "I understand." 

“Good.” Johnny walks over to me. “It's just me- alright? Come here... you look like you're going to fall over." I hadn't noticed that I'd been leaning forward. "You're covered in blood...." Johnny cups my face in his hands. "They'll... uh.." He inspects me for as second. "They'll need to run a rape kit." He says.

I shake my head quickly.

"Honey- they need to document this." Johnny looks so sad. "Let them run it- okay? We have to before we can wash you up." 

"Please." I shake my head again. "No." 

Johnny kisses my forehead. "We'll talk about it later." He says 

"I'm not in any system," Shifter informs from the floor. "It would be pointless." 

I hate to actually agree with him. 

"We're putting it on the books so we can officially recognize it-" Johnny stops. "Reed gave me a big long explanation for this... but you don't deserve it and I don't want to worry him with it." he glares at him. "So shut up." 

I've never seen Johnny so angry. Even with his own villains- he's a joker.   
  
Johnny is not joking.   
  
He's cold. 

Dangerous. 

This danger makes me feel safer than I have in weeks. Week wait-  
  
"Johnny?" My voice cracks. 

He directs his attention back to me. “Yea?"

"How long have I been here?" 

Johnny kisses me again. "He didn't let you see sunlight- did he?" 

"I buried him in my fucking backyard." Shifter scoffs. "You don't let your prisoners out for a walk." 

"How long?" I try to step away, but stumble, making Johnny catch me. 

"Four weeks." He says. "Come on." He nods towards the stairs. "We gotta go." He turns his head away from me when he’s got me leaning on his shoulder. “Get up.” He demands the man on the floor.

“You can’t-“

Johnny moves quickly, so quick that my head spins. He grabs Shifter’s arm and forces him to his feet. “MOVE.” He demands, shoving Shifter in front of us. The man stumbles on the stairs before glaring over his shoulder and righting himself. 

He's angry. 

That's not good. 

"Don't make him angry," I whisper to Johnny. "Please." 

"Shh.." He soothes. "It doesn't matter how he feels." When he sees Shifter looking he adds, "He won't be feeling it for much longer anyway." 

Johnny helps me up the stairs, stopping when he reach the cement floors and walls of the hallway. "Where are his clothes?" 

Shifter smirks. "He didn't need them."  

Johnny punches him again, knocking him back to the floor. "Where??" He demands.  

"I don't know!" Shifter says quickly. "He hasn't worn them since he got here."  

Johnny flicks a fireball the size of a cigar butt at the back of Shifter's head, causing the man to cringe. "Oh," Johnny mocks. "Did that hurt?"  

I feel sick again. 

"Keep it up." Shifter growls. 

"Lead us out," Johnny growls back. "I know there's another exit." 

"There are five exits," Shifter says nonchalantly. "In case of emergencies." 

Johnny snorts. "And how did that work for you?" 

"I didn't plan on being seized by captain fireworks and his merry team of dip shits...." He sneers. 

Johnny flicks another fire ball at him. 

"Will you stop??" Shifter growls. 

I shudder as his voice changes. 

His form starts to morph. 

It takes Johnny holding me to keep me from running. 

"I got this." He says, taking his hand, igniting it, and making four walls of fire around Shifter- essentially making a cage. The walls close in by the second. 

Shifter has to go back to his normal form to avoid being burnt. "You win!" he cries, actually sounding scared. 

Johnny smirks. "Don't tell me you're afraid of fire." 

"I fear nothing." Shifter actually spits at him. 

I now realize that I've hidden my face in Johnny's shirt. 

"Daken," He soothes. "Oh honey," He takes my hand in his and pries it off of his shoulder. "Shhh... it's okay." 

"Please... don't make him angry," I beg. "Please." 

Shifter is smiling. "What's wrong, lover? Did bad old Shifter scare you?" He pouts. "Oh, you poor thing. Now you're just going to be a burden on Johnny. You know that, don't you? You'll wind back up in an asylum- by yourself and-"   
  
"Don't talk to him!" Fire explodes all around the hallway, emitting from Johnny even though he's not engulfed. 

The floors and walls shake, stealing everyone's attention. 

"Lead us out." Johnny growls. "NOW." 

"Fine." Shifter sounds a little thrown. "Follow me." 

We follow him in silence. 

The way out is odd. I can’t see through the white. I vomit two or three times... so we keep having to stop. Each time, Johnny waits patiently and Shifter makes some wise ass comment.

The floor is shaking like crazy when we're in the final hallway. I think it's the final one- I can smell outside faintly. 

When we get to the door he grabs shifter by the arm, letting go of me but then taking my hand in his. He twists Shifter's arm behind his back painfully. "Hand on the scanner." He orders. 

Shifter refuses to move. 

Johnny shakes him harshly, prompting him to offer his hand to the door. 

The entire door turns out to be a scanner. He merely presses his hand to the center of the odd metal, causing it to open. 

When it opens, the three of us stumble out. Johnny's holding both of us up. He’s still got a death grip on both Shifter and myself.  It’s dark outside… the ground feels warm though. Which is weird... because there's snow falling.

“Ease off!” Shifter growls, voice deepening. "You're hurting me!"

“Change forms and I will incinerate you,” Johnny replies just as darkly. "I don't give a fuck if your precious little arm hurts. You won't be around to feel it for much longer."

“You-“

“Give me a reason.” He cuts him off. “Give me one more god damn reason and I will fuck this plan and finish you right here.”

“Easy,” Shifter says in a much more normal tone. “I’m reasonable… I’m trying to be reasonable- we can work out a deal right? You’re here… that means the rest of your team is here. People are going to know that you left New York- they're going to know why. They’ll expect you to come back with a prisoner. Your teammates will honor that.”

Johnny snorts. “You think that’s going to save you? You made my 'teammates' think you were setting a bomb off with their children in the building. Have you ever seen what happens when you get between a momma bear and her cubs?? Now give that bear the power to expand a force field inside your body with a force and size that can rip through organs and skin… at will. Ya. That’s what you’re up against. And that’s just Sue. The other’s are here too. And of course- that’s just my ‘side of the family’. You’ve yet to think about his side.”

I shake uncontrollably, feeling the undying urge to cover myself. Johnny wraps his free arm around me. "The jet isn't that far away." He says gently. "We'll be there soon." 

“I- I want a deal.” Shifter repeats. “I want to talk with whoever’s in charge. If you kill me before I’ve seen someone it’s dishonorable.”

“You’re talking to me about honor?? Ah, that’s fucking rich. Go ahead, keep talking. I haven’t had a good laugh in the last few weeks." 

Shifter starts to say something but stops. He knows Johnny's got him cornered. 

"Got nothing to say? Well here's something for you- the only reason you're still alive is because I promised Wolverine that I would wait to kill you if I found you first. We're going to find a way to do it so it sticks. Logan's good at that.” He turns his attention to me. “Here, move with me this way.” His weight shifts around as he readjusts the two of us. “I gotta call someone over… lemme see.” He pushes me onto his shoulder to free up his left hand before setting it a blaze. “Let’s see if anyone saw that…” He waits a few seconds before shooting some pretty impressive fireballs up into the sky. Each one lights up the wooded area around us for a brief second- highlighting the sheer look of terror set in Shifter's features. "Pretty good for 'fire crackers' huh?"

The night air is cold… and the light from inside the compound is fading quickly. The only clear way to see is coming from Johnny’s hand. It’s actually kind of mesmerizing to watch. I feel like I could stare at it for hours. I know if I asked, and we weren’t in this position right now- he’d let me.

The pressure that’s been growing inside of me chooses that moment to over take everything. Literally everything. I should be happy- but it’s crushing. The dark is replaced by shades of gray. There’s a total disconnect from my body... I almost don't feel myself getting sick again. Johnny shrugs me back into his arm and helps me lean over.

“Oh my god!” This voice is relieved and distant... it's a few feet from us. “There’s another entrance over here!” It calls behind itself.

“Good. You saw me.” He sighs in a relived manner “Is everyone out?”

“Everyone but Rachel.” The new voice has made it’s way over to us. “Did you find him??" 

"I got him. He’s alive." Johnny says. "And I got Shifter." 

Sue steps closer to us. "Oh my god." She gasps. "Daken," She goes to touch my face but stops. "Hey," She says instead. "How are you doing?" 

"Apparently stupidity runs in the family." Shifter whispers. 

Sue sends him a withering look. "If I were you, I'd be as quiet as possible." She turns her eyes back to me before looking down. "Oh!" She takes a bundle in her hands and passes it over. "Here." My hands won't cooperate. "It's a blanket." She continues. "To cover up in." 

I eye her cautiously. 

"Here," She moves forward and wraps the blanket around me. The warmth is very much welcomed. 

"What do we do with him?" Johnny nudges Shifter forward. 

"I demand to talk to whoever's in charge." Shifter says, sounding somewhat upset. 

"I'll contain him," Sue says quietly. "Take Daken back to the ship. Reed needs to run some tests." 

No. I won't let him. This will disappear. It will be like it never happened. 

"About that." Johnny releases Shifter, making my heart stop. When the man tries to bolt, he runs into an invisible wall. He starts to bang on it, each impact of his fist revealing the clear outline of a large dome that now surrounds him. Johnny eyes the dome with a little interest. "He doesn't want us to run a kit." 

"It's standard procedure." Sue says. 

"I'm worried if Reed tries to do it he'll see it as an attack." Johnny lets me go for a second. "He says Shifter took his claws out. I don't think Reed would be in any danger..." 

Sue shakes her head. "No, Logan wants a kit run." 

"No." I try to plead. "Please, Sue-" 

"We can sedate him first." Sue offers.

She puts her light on Johnny and I  briefly before moving it over to Shifter. “God… who would have guessed? He barely looks legal.”

“He said that was his real form… along with some stuff about living in a farm house a few minutes up from here-“

“Yea. The place where we found the jet’s tracers. Really don't have a lot to say for yourself- do you?”

"You people are weak." He hisses from his confinement. "You can't kill me! Even if you could-"

" Yea. Yea. I bet you're a lot of fun at parties and a wonderfully strong person who doesn't deserve anything we're about to do to him." She says in an annoyed tone before looking back to me. “How long has he been like this Johnny?”

Johnny shifts his hold on me- as if talking about it is going to make it worse and cause me to relapse. “Rachel was suppressing it for the rescue. She stopped about five minutes ago…. I’m guessing he’s been in this state for a few days, though. X said as much.”

"I think he's in shock," Sue says. "This... he's..." She seems to be thinking on how to phrase something. 

“He’s alive. Holy shit. Thank you Johnny." Another voice joins our group. 

I smell Shifter's scent change. Adrenaline. He's scared. 

Logan walks towards us, but I can't look at him.

“You’re alive.” He repeats. “I thought he’d killed you. I saw those pictures and that video and-“ He stops. "Daken," He sounds so soft. "Is.. that him?" 

"Listen-" Shifter starts. 

"Daken," He repeats, louder, "Is that the man who did this?" 

I barely nod. 

"And he's the same man from before?" Logan is quiet. 

I nod again. 

Logan eyes him up and down. "That your blood on him?" 

I nod for the third time. 

Why is this important to him? 

Logan crosses his arms. "Run the blood on his clothes and get the results from Daken's test." He orders. "Collect whatever you need from this asshole to get them. I want to make absolutely sure we have the right guy." 

Like I wouldn't know who my captor was.

Logan nods to Johnny. "For you." He says gruffly. "I don't want you freaking out about what's about to happen. We'll have absolute proof before we move on." 

"And what's going to happen?" Sue asks quietly. 

Logan looks at the man in containment. "A few ways to kill a shapeshifter." He says. "You can bury 'em, disintegrate 'em, dissolve 'em, or burn 'em." he motions to one of the nearby trees. "I'm sure you can guess which one we're gonna do." 

"Wait!" Shifter moves as much towards Logan as he can. "I didn't hurt him!" He starts. "This is my neighbors land! I found the compound and-"   
  
I can't take this. I feel sick again. 

I end up vomiting in the fresh snow.When I lean back up, Logan's in front of me. "He makes you sick." He says softly. 

All I can do is nod. 

"Laura said he makes you sick a lot... and that it happens when you're upset. Reed can give you something for that." There's an awkward moment before Logan wraps his arms around me and says very calmly ,"This man will never hurt you again. You got me? Ever." 

I try not to stiffen as he holds me. 

Logan pulls back and nods to Johnny. "Go with him." He orders. "Try to do what Reed tells you." 

We’re moving before I can answer. Scents of different people start to make themselves known… but no one seems to want to say anything. Just a lot of silence. When they do talk, it’s whispering amongst themselves.

“If you’ve got something to say, go say it elsewhere.” Johnny growls at a group as we walk by.

Things are quiet for the smallest of fractions. Like really quiet. I can pick up on the sound of his heart beat and our combined footsteps.

"Daken," Johnny just barely says my name. "I would move the earth for you." 

I just nod. 

"And... I'm about to do something very bad." he sounds the tiniest bit upset. "Please... don't be mad at me.... but that monster has to die... .and I don't think you can do it." 

I feel tears on my face. 

"Let me kill him," Johnny says lowly. "Please." 

"Johnny-" 

"Once Logan proves that he is who we think he is- once Reed runs the test and he's found guilty, I will take care of him." Johnny continues. "I want your blessing." 

He wants my.... 

My feet are numb. 

To Johnny, I just nod. 

Johnny's going to kill him.  Sweet, innocent, Johnny. He's going to... 

He smiles a bit. "It's okay." he says before pulling me closer to him.

When I look at him he adds. "Your pheromones." He smiles. "Little runoff." 

I try to reign some of it in. 

"Your pheromones have been pretty quiet." He notes. "Why... haven't you used them?" 

"I'm... scared." I admit. 

"Did he hurt you when you tried?" 

I nod. 

"And he took your claws?" 

I nod again. 

"And then he hurt you." He states. 

I lean heavier into him. "I don't understand what's happening," I confess. "I'm so... cold." 

“Here...” Johnny soothes as he helps me not trip over the blanket wrapped around my shoulders. “Come on.” He encourages. “We’re almost there… just give me a few more minutes- alright?” I don’t know what he does, because I’ve stopped keeping track- but suddenly it’s very warm and very soft… I’m not standing up anymore. I’m looking up at a ceiling… and no one is holding me. When I turn my head to the side, someone’s thigh is blocking my view of everything else. “Hey.” He soothes. “Lost you for a second there… you’re going into shock. So if you feel.. confused- that’s probably why. Just stay here- okay? Don’t try to move on your own.”

Things are dark again. I jolt awake.

Reed is hovering over me, having removed the blanket. 

  
I don't know what he's doing . 

Johnny and Logan are off to the side.

I don't know what he's doing..... What is he doing? 

Everything is numb.   
  
I vaguely feel them scrubbing off some of the blood. 

He picks up my hands and scrapes under my nails.   
  
What is he doing?

He moves between my legs, making me go rigid. 

"Breathe, please." Things start to go hazy. "This will be over soon."

I'm numb.

"You can wash him now." I hear Reed say through my fog. "We've got what we need." 

I close my eyes for a second. I wake up smelling like soap. I'm wrapped in about three new blankets. There's an endless number of people coming in and out of the area I'm in. 

Johnny is at my head doing something with my hair. 

There's a soft tugging at my scalp. It's a small bit of pain. 

"What're you doing?" I slur. 

Johnny smiles sheepishly. "I'm brushing your hair." He says, showing me a brush in his hand. "I washed it for you." 

"You-“ 

Shifter said it needed washed. 

Why is that sticking out so firmly in my mind. 

I feel betrayed when a tear falls. 

“Honey,” he soothes. “Did I do something wrong?” 

“My hair.” 

“Your… hair?” 

“He wanted it washed.” 

“Daken, you can’t not wash your hair because it’s something he did. You understand that- right? You have to wash yourself.” 

I shake my head harshly. 

“I’ll wash you then.” He soothes. “Anytime you need it- okay? You don’t have to worry.” 

I close my eyes. 

“I’m fuzzy.” I say with them closed.

"You're not really with it." He explains. "We're... waiting for your results." 

"My... what results?" 

Johnny goes back to brushing. "We ran a kit on you." He informs. "And then they let me wash you off... so You wouldn't have to sleep like that tonight." 

Oh. 

"Should have an answer within the next thirty minutes." He says with a nod. "Not that we don't believe you." He says quickly.

"I feel so numb." I mumble. 

"You're very tired." Johnny sets the brush to the side. "I doubt you've gotten much sleep." 

I shake my head. 

"Close your eyes." Johnny soothes

I drift off again.. jolting awake suddenly. 

“They’re regrouping by the south entrance with our guest. Logan's waiting for you.“

“I know,” Johnny says quietly. “You’ll stay with him?”

“Of course. Good luck getting a word in… Logan’s a little worked up.”

“How so?”

"I don't think he could really face the man who hurt his son civilly," Reed says. "Having to wait to rid Daken of this problem has made him a little 'testy'." 

“A little testy is just what we need." Johnny bends down toward my makeshift bed. "Hey," He says softly. "Hey, honey." He sounds so gentle. "How are you feeling?" 

"I feel sick." I groan. 

"Reed's going to give you something for that," Johnny says. He crouches down. "I Love you." He says gently. He lifts my hand and kisses it. "I know you probably don't want me to kiss you." He says. 

I could cry again.

"Daken, don't cry." Johnny shushes. "It's okay." He turns to Reed. "HIs stomach is upset." He informs. "Laura says when he get's upset he pukes."

"Interesting."

"She also said he likes Jell-O?"

She... fed it to me. Most nights.

It was part of the food he delivered.

"We don't have any Jell-O." Reed says thoughtfully.

"That's okay." Johnny massages my hand. "I made him some soup. It's over there by the medical kit."

"You made soup." I slur.

"Yea," he says gently. "I thought you'd be hungry."

"Laura's probably hungry." I inform.

"She's eaten." Johnny says with a smile.

"She's okay?"

Reed joins Johnny. "She's been with your father answering questions."

"answering-"  
  
"So he wouldn't have to bother you with them." Johnny smiles again. "I gotta go." He says. "Reed's going to take great care of you."

I close my eyes as he sits with me.

I move my head across the pillows. Too comfy. Things are already distant. I would kill for something hard- something to make me focus on something other than the need for comfort. The next thing I realize is that Johnny’s gone. Again- I reach out in a panic. The hand the reaches back isn’t Johnny’s, but I don’t pull away. 

“It’s best if you try not to move too much.” Reed says gently. “We’re going to try to take good care of you. Johnny said something about your stomach being upset a lot. Laura said the same thing earlier… maybe we could get you something to help. Maybe an injection would work… we’ve got something for nausea that we can inject if we can’t get the other methods to stay down.”

Great. A shot.

That’s something ‘hard’ to think of. Maybe the pain will give me some head space. As is things are still fuzzy.

I close my eyes again- for only a second.

And now Reed’s rubbing something cold on my arm. “Easy.” He instructs. “This is going to hurt a little bit… it’s a big needle.” He shows me something that looks a lot more frightening than it should be. “It’s one of your ‘special’ needles. So, obviously we’re going to insert an IV.” He taps my arm with two fingers on his right hand. “Okay… hold on. Like I said- this is going to hurt a bit.”

A ‘bit' is an understatement.

He says a bunch of useless things- very true to Reed’s style- as things start to go distant. Distant in a good way. In a way, that feels safe.

“There you go.” Reed encourages. “You’re safe…we’ll watch over you. You can relax.”

I hope he’s right. I really do.


	18. Too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... ya. Long chapter. And a long update. I apologize. Physics is really kicking my ass.  
> Anyway- enjoy!

“He’s so cold.”

That distant voice… it’s back again.

Soothing- that’s what it is. It wants me to be calm.

It’s hard to be calm when you’re laying in the dark- confused and lonely. On top of that- everything is cold. My feet especially.

I think that’s what’s making me so worried- the dark and the cold. It never used to bother me. In fact, I think that adds to the fact that is so troublesome at the moment. It's another thing he's stolen from me.

I've had all night to think of the things Shifter's taken. To be honest, I've lost a good period of time. He stole that too. 

The last thing I remember is exiting the compound. 

Sue showed up. Maybe Logan. It's all a blur. 

 They’ve made the jet dark, turned off the lights or something. When they did it I was sleeping so I couldn’t really say anything.

They're trying to get me to sleep naturally- the last I heard. The initial dose of sedatives wasn't enough to keep me out. When I started waking up, he just played it by ear- interfering when necessary.  

 Reed gave me something for my stomach- which came in handy. Every time I've woken up I've felt like I'm going to puke.  

When I started to wake up in the beginning, I may have mumbled a few complaints about the dark- that’s when the voice came in. It assured me that everything was alright… told me where I was and everything- made sure I didn’t start freaking out. But most importantly it insisted that everything was going like it should. When I didn’t believe this voice- it had Rachel repeat what had been said in my mind. She said she’d do it for anyone I came into contact with if I needed her to… but I kind of mumbled something about needing some head space. She graciously backed off.

“Johnny needs to stop.” The voice had said at one point. “Go tell him to stop.”

Things got black after that. I dreamt of him. Him and a fire. A big fire. One he’d made himself. He said something about making it for me. To keep me safe.

I’m still cold now. I feel far from safe.

These dreams are weird. After Johnny, I dreamed of X… also at a fire. She was very disapproving of my being there. She ordered me to leave. I was so hurt and confused. I’d come a long way to tell her something… or maybe just to be with her. I feel safe when I’m with her.

There are no fires here now. I’m awake and it’s dark. The warmth won’t spread through me… the blankets feel like they might as well not be there at all.

In the dark, it’s hard to tell what’s going on. The only light is coming from an eerie glow outside the windows. Shadows dance through said windows every once and while skittering across the wall.

Shadows scare me. Shadows remind me of Shifter. 

I've sat up in a panic thinking he's gotten away. 

I want to leave. To go home. 

But for some reason, no one will pilot the ship. I asked if there were other people. The voice assured me there were. I asked if they had their own ships. It informed me they did. So then, naturally, I begged to go on one of their ships. The voice said I had to stay with my father. 

I begged for him then, but they said he was 'busy'. 

I asked for him over and over again. 

I fell asleep asking for him. 

The shadows are unnatural.  I feel like they're trying to tell me something. 

These aren’t people shadows. They’re not animal shadows… or plant shadows- they’re not shadows of anything ‘real’. They’re just there. They run at their own will- at their own pace. Something out of my nightmares… the same ones I saw running away from the mouth of the compound.

I tried to ask the voice about the shadows… but it went to great lengths to assure me that they weren’t really there. Then it asked if I wanted more sedatives. Insisted really… but I refused. I asked for more time. Told the voice I’d think about it. It said that I had a while before it needed a decision…. But it really persisted in suggesting the drugs the more I brought up the shadows.

Another voice interfered then. He said not to push the sedatives. Something about me being allowed time to adjust on my own.

The voices got into an argument. 

Another joined them. 

In the end, there were about five different voices. 

I hate to admit it- but it was very frightening. 

I stopped asking about them after that. It didn’t make me stop seeing them- however.

There was a time lapse- I think I fell asleep. But the shadows are bigger now. More enticing. I need to follow them. I need to know where they’re going. This is a burning, gnawing desire inside of me.

The shadows are only visible by the glowing light… they only exist in its presence. The light gets brighter- bigger- by the minute. The voice mumbled something about it once or twice before the second voice joined it. This voice’s owner smelled like smoke… smoke and timber. It didn’t stay for long. It whispered something I couldn’t hear to the other voice… it scared me that I couldn’t hear it.

“Let them work it out.” had been the first voice’s response. “Send Reed to me when he’s done- alright? He should be finished with Logan by now… really. It’s been an hour.” It sounded annoyed. I didn’t want for it to be annoyed- but was too busy staring out of the small windows to say anything about it.

 That light… those shadows- they’re oddly fascinating. Like they’re part of a puzzle that my mind just isn’t letting me see.

The light got brighter after the second voice left. I waited a while- still watching it.

After about twenty minutes, in which the jet doors were opened and closed again- I finally tried asking about this mysterious light. The voice didn’t like that topic of discussion any better than the first. In fact, it started to squabble with a yet another voice about the matter- again. I couldn’t gather any useful information from their argument so I stopped listening. I'm tired of people fighting. When the arguments get too heated, the voices are commanded to leave the ship. They don't like that. 

 “I’ve got the heater on him… I suppose we could check for more blankets.” The voice in the present. 

'so close to the hole. any second now they'll throw you back.' Shifter- the fake Shifter- says in my head. 

There’s silence. “Do you think we should tell him?”

“Tell him what?” Two voices. 

“About his ‘adventures’.”

“No.” Is the second voice’s flat reply. “No, we shouldn’t. We should drop the matter entirely before he decides to have another.”

“He’s so frightened… I want to help him.”

“Of course you do, dear. We all do. So… help him. Keep him warm and safe… but most importantly keep him away from everything else. Let the others sort it out and we can help him adjust to what’s left in the morning… we really have to stop this charade.”

“He’s so out of it now, though. Maybe hearing it will help him feel safer. He’s been asking questions- dear. We can’t just continue to not answer him… he’s not a child.”

“Hear what?” I murmur. Talking isn’t something that’s coming naturally to me anymore. I’d rather be silent. People tend to leave you alone if you’re silent. They don’t ask questions. And they’re going to have a lot of questions for me. The longer I stall the better chance I have at not answering at all. “What do I need to hear?” My voice tremors. I hate it. I hate it more than anything. 

He's stolen my strength.... and honestly, I didn't have much, to begin with. 

Both of the voices are quiet now. “Oh no.” The first one says quietly. “I didn’t know he was still awake.” It goes on to explain. “He’s been so quiet.”

 I try to sit up to see the mystery owners of who’s voices I’ve been listening to- but a hand pushes me firmly to the bed.

“What aren’t you telling me?” I can’t even get the nerve up to be angry. This mystery pressure on me has put all of my spare ones on edge as is. At the moment- there’s not a lot left.

“It’s nothing. You need your rest. I’ll go find you some more blankets- okay? Rest is important right now.” The hand smoothes the blankets underneath it. “You’re cold and tired. Please- stay put. Let us make you warm.”

“Please-“

“No, no. None of that.”

“I need to fin-“

“NO. Stay put.” The voice demands authoritatively.

“Tell him.” The first voice urges. “It will help. He’s got a right to know.”

“No. We’ve tried that.” The second voice says sternly. 

“Tell me what?” My voice sounds ragged and worn. That seems to elicit a small amount of sympathy from them.

“Daken, I really think it’s best if you dropped the subject. Sue shouldn’t have brought it up. We’re going to drop it.”

“No, we’re not,” Sue says determinedly. “Tell him.”

“Well…”

“Tell him or you will be a very unhappy man for a very long time Reed.” Her voice is cold.

“No!” he snaps.

They're going to fight again. 

“Then can we at least answer his questions?”

“What questions!? He should already know the answers!”

“But he doesn’t! He asked not thirty minutes ago about the light.”

Reed’s hands make a very aggravated gesture. “The light?? Again? He wants to know about the light? That’s how it starts! We’re avoiding that topic and all others like it until the morning. I’m trying to keep him from freezing!”

“Tell him about the light Reed!” Sue bellows. The room is tense. They sound like they’ve had this conversation before.

“What are you talking about? What’s it got to do with the light?” I try to sit up again. "Please- the light. I need to know about the light." 

“Reed…” Sue says sternly. 

“Fine.” he hisses before turning to me. “ Daken, what we’re talking about is- how do I say it?” He ponders for a few seconds. “They’re ‘taking care’ of Shifter,” Reed says after some deliberation. “Like Johnny talked to you about?" He pauses. "Do you remember that at all?"

"Johnny's... with Shifter?" 

"You don't remember?" Sue asks gently. 

"Shifter's going to hurt him!" I fight past the hand that's pushing me back. "Where is he? I... please- he's going to hurt him!" 

"Shifter... can't hurt anyone," Sue says. "Johnny is safe. 

"Johnny and Logan want atonement," Reed explains. "They don't think.... they don't think that the judicial system would handle this case fairly. They... well... we ran those tests- remember?" 

I barely nod. I do remember a test- vaguely. 

"We were assured 100% that Shifter was your attacker. His scent matched, he was coated in your blood, he was in the room with you when Johnny found you, and you had his bodily fluids... uh... in you." His words are precise. Well spoken. He's stating facts now.... he's good at that. "Johnny and your father were judge, jury, and executioners. They're willing to see this whole forest burn to ashes to bring about their sentence." 

“Ashes?“ An odd statement. I guess it makes sense for Johnny, though- upon consideration.

“Ashes,” Reed says gravely. “You see that light? The one you’ve been staring at for the last few hours? Right there- through the window… are you looking?”

“Yes.”

“It’s a fire. A really big fire. Your father, Johnny, Laura, and several other people are down by it. Sue thinks you should know where they are- and now you do. So can we drop it?” he asks Sue in a low voice. 

“Of course.” she sighs.

Fire? That light is huge. That can’t be a fire. They’d have had to tear down half the forest to get it that big.

“They're... burning him?" 

"Rachel blocked his usage to his powers," Reed explains. "He can't shift forms. He can regenerate a little, but not enough to save him." 

They're... burning him?   
  
That feels so... odd. 

Johnny... oh no. 

"Johnny... he's.. how is he doing this?" 

Sue takes my hand. "He's doing what he has to do. He knows for sure, without a doubt, that Shifter is the man who's harmed you. He will not rest until you are safe... that means making some moves that are a little extreme." 

While I lay in confusion, Sue and Reed start bickering again. 

They're fighting about Johnny. 

"Ben said he's upset." I zone in on that. "I think he should be removed from the situation." 

"Then have Ben remove him." Sue hisses. 

"Johnny.... we're afraid to push it," Reed says. "He won't listen to reason, dear. I was hoping he'd listen to you." 

Johnny is upset. 

Johnny doesn't kill. 

He's killing for me. 

"The fire..." I start, my voice still weak. 

"Just a little fire Daken," Sue assures. "It will be over soon." 

“It’s a bonfire dear. They are literally roasting-“ Reed says to his wife. “You don’t need to hear this Daken… I’d like your permission to sedate you again. This time with a dose that will keep you out until morning… It won’t be that long. We’re pushing midnight as is. I think, given recent situations, we should go ahead and fully sedate you. It's clear that you will not be sleeping tonight if we don't.”

Midnight… that’s why I feel so unsafe. And lonely. No one’s come to save me yet… X isn’t here.

“X…”

“Hmm? Laura?”

“I need her.” I don’t think I could explain it in words he would understand. And I don’t even want to understand what Sue’s talking about.

“Need her?” Reed sounds confused and seems to mull over his statement for a second.

I nod, closing my eyes again. “It’s midnight. I need her.”

“Midnight?” Reed seems confused. “What’s midnight got to do with her?”

“I need her,” I repeat. “She needs to be here.”

“She did say something about midnight…” He drawls, his hand moves from my chest, he drums his fingers on the side of the jet walls. “Let me see- midnight… OH! Oh! I get it. Midnight- it’s the agreed upon time she set up. Right? I took extensive notes when she was talking about it… let me see.” There’s the sound of something distending… like a bunch of rubber moving. Really if you think Reed’s powers look weird- you should try hearing them. “Here we go.” There’s a rustling sound now like he’s flipping through something. “She asked for ‘a room that was safe from the hours of midnight until five AM.’ Right? So you’re more likely to sleep if we put you under right now. Peacefully that is. All the more reason for us to do so.”

“Just bring her here.” Tired… it’s time for sleep- I agree. But to do that, I need her to be with me. I trust her. I want her at my back.

“I’m certain you can go to sleep without her.” he assures.

He’s avoiding the question. It’s… almost pissing me off. Not quite- but almost.

“Where is she?” I beg.

“She’s with Johnny and Logan," Sue says. "She can't come in right now." 

"Can I go to her?" It's  a long shot, but it feels right. 

"No," Sue says firmly. "You can't." 

“Right,” Reed says firmly. “You’re to stay here. I’m going to put you under and we’re going to forget this whole ‘savage’ incident ever happened. She’ll be here when she’s done… if she comes right now I’m sure that there will be a lingering scent… none of them are coming in here until they’ve showered and-”

“Showered?” Sue laughs incredulously. “Reed- where are they going to find a shower? Are you really going to make everyone down there stay out in the snow all night?”

“They seem warm enough to me,” he says venomously. “They want to act like barbaric savages- let them.”

"You're talking about my brother, Reed," Sue growls. 

"Johnny is not in his right mind. This is way too extreme." 

"And what would you have them do?" 

Reed sighs. "Lethal injection? We could have tried it and observed him and made sure he didn't shift." 

"And how would we get to a facility where they could perform the injection without going through the courts?" 

"Maybe this whole thing needed to go to court," Reed says almost thoughtfully. 

"Not with Fury involved.... it wouldn't have made it." 

"We're not trying Fury- that ship has sailed," Reed says. "We're trying Shifter." 

"We're not trying Shifter." Sue snarls. "That ship has sailed." 

Reed growls, "This is barbaric." 

“There’s nothing savage about what they’re doing,” Sue says defensively. “It’s what that monster deserves. A death befitting the crime.”

“Sue- it’s barbaric," he repeats. "We’ve gone far beyond punishment and sunk completely to his level. A ‘death befitting the crime’ would have been over in the first twenty minutes. It’s just like I was telling Logan-“

“Don’t start with Logan.”

“Sue-“

“Don’t start with him, dear. We’re going to have an argument.”

Are they not having an argument already?

Reed sighs before saying in a softer tone, “I’m just pointing out that Logan has completely lost his-“

“I don’t blame him for this.” She snaps, cutting him off. “What would you have done if it had been one of the kids? What act wouldn’t you commit to see that the person who hurt them had suffered?”

“I would not, in any circumstance, erect a stake, chain someone to it, and then light them ON FIRE…. KNOWING that they wouldn’t die within the first five minutes. It’s been hours Sue- ”

“Even if you SAW with your own eyes evidence of how he had done it? If it had been your child in any of those pictures in that bedroom? If they had been laid out and-“

“Sue.” Reed hisses.

Pictures… what pictures? There were no pictures in the compound. The walls were empty.

Wait. His ... Shifter had a camera...

Shifter had a ...   
  
And he showed me pictures... in his scrapbook. The blue one. The green one was the woman he had before me, the Red one was the man before her, and the blue one was me... mine was bigger. I wasn't dying. I wasn't going to die. He could fill it fuller than the others. 

“Shit.” She responds. “He… probably knows- right? He was there. He would have noticed.”

“I don’t really know how much he’s retaining tonight,” Reed says carefully. “IF he noticed- then we have no way of knowing if he remembers.”

 “You found pictures?" I ask with fear obvious in my voice. "All of them?" 

Reed clears his throat in a pointed manner. “Don’t ask Daken.” He addresses me. “You don’t want to hear the answer and honestly I don’t have it in me to tell you. So don’t ask tonight- alright? It’s really something you want to hear from… well someone who isn’t me.”

That takes a moment to sink in. Little things that have been popping up in everyone’s conversations. I’ve heard more than they think I have. I know they’ve been to the house he talked about. I know they’ve been to every room in the compound that had my scent in it before it toppled. And now I know that they’ve found something in one of those places that is can be labeled as proof.

“Why are you being so difficult?” Sue is asking Reed gently. “Honey, I want to help him. He NEEDS our help. Someone has to see him through tonight at least.”

“I know.” he sighs. “I know.”

“Then why are you putting up such a fight? He needs answers-” she stops. "No, he DESERVES answers. He knows about the fire, he knows about Johnny, why won't you tell him the rest?" 

“Honestly- It won’t help.” Reed says before adding in a distracted manner, “It’s been hours. Why is it getting brighter? How could it possibly be getting brighter?”

“Hours that someone else has already paid for,” Sue says darkly. “I would not hesitate if I were put in that position. I’d be right there with them… fueling it.”

Reed sighs. “Look… we shouldn’t be having this argument. Let alone in front of him.” His emphasis does not go unnoted. He says it softly. Like I’m a child that needs protecting.

“Run it by Logan. I know you and he have had a few ‘bouts’ this evening already… but ask him.” she sounds confident. “Ask him if he thinks Daken should see or-“

“I already tried. He was very clear about it. After last time…” he sighs. “No. Logan has made his stance very clear.”

“Well try again. Tell him that his son’s awake-“

“No Sue. We’ve already discussed it. The topic didn’t go over well. He’s tired now. Tonight has already been long.”

“He needs to see his child! Surely he can be persuaded to talk to you for five minutes or so on the subject. Does he know Daken’s awake? Does he know that he’s asking questions? He should be here. We should be making sure that he’s taking proactive steps against this-”

Reed sighs aggravated, cutting his wife off with, “His exact words were, “Keep him away from me until it’s over.” And then he said something about needing Daken to stay asleep for the night... which is why I’m pushing the sedation so hard. It’s his guardian’s wish. I was hoping we could convince him to do so willingly- but if push comes to shove- we have Logan’s orders.” He drums his fingers again. “Besides. He’s already seen Daken. Several times.”

Ouch. He.. doesn’t want to see me? Like this is my fault? Like I’m suddenly something that’s shameful?

"He... but-" 

This can't be my fault.   
  
Is Logan blaming me? 

Why would he?   
  
IS there... is there something I could have done to prevent it? 

“Really… it’s hard for any father to take in. And Logan’s much older than the rest of us. His notions of honor and pride go far beyond that of our understanding. Seeing his son- his only son at that- like this? And at the hands of another man? It’s bound to be a little upsetting. This is an odd subject to approach. It’s hard for a parent to be told that their child’s been ‘defiled’ for lack of a better word. There are deep rooted emotional scars that go along with accepting that something you helped create is no longer-”

Sue takes a sharp intake of breath. “Reed…” I can only see hands at this point- Sue’s stood back up. I haven’t managed to untangle myself from the blankets and sit upright. The small set of hands is pointing in my direction. “Don’t finish that statement. You’re wrong and you need to stop talking.”

“What? It’s true. And furthermore-“

“Reed!” she snaps, pointing more violently. “We’re going to have another incident if you keep talking.”

“I don’t…” he stops, apparently just having seen her fingers. “Oh.”

“Oh.”

He clears his throat. “That’s not saying that your father isn’t happy that you’re okay. Or that he doesn’t care about you.” Reed says quietly. “He just can’t deal with seeing you like… this. Not tonight. It’s too soon. He was the same way when he saw the tapes the first time. He doesn’t want to look at you and see you suffering- knowing that there’s nothing he can do to stop it. It makes him feel… weak. You understand- don’t you?”

“Reed,” Sue warns again. “He’s getting very, very interested in what you’re saying and he is still very, very cold. Stop while you’re ahead.”

I’m cold in more than one way now. Logan doesn't want to see me- worse, he blames me. This.. if this had gone to trial.... I would have had to prove it to him. He'd... he'd have to see the pictures. I... don't want him to look at them. I... didn't ask for this. How could he possibly blame me? I didn’t ask for Shifter… I didn’t ask to be taken. And I.. I just wanted to help. I did the procedures to try and do something decent for once. I wanted to help.

I just wanted to help.

“I wanted to help,” I say without much thought behind it.

“Help?” Sue asks carefully. “Help what Daken?" 

“It hurt, you know. All of them. The telepaths were cruel. They never stopped. I could ask them to slow down- but they didn’t. But I went back. Every time. And I let them do it. Even though it was making me sick.” Breathe… “I wanted to help.”

“Of course you did.”

“What’s he talking about?” Reed asks quietly.

“The procedures, I think. It was the beginning for him. They brought everything to his mind… forced him to see it. Forced him to relive it. They tore through all of the brainwashing and conditioning- stripped him down to the bone.” she clears her throat.

"Is he going to look at the pictures?" I ask numbly. 

"Ah.. yes," Reed says. "I mean to say, he already has.... they took them into account when they were 'judging' Shifter." 

"He can't." I plead. "Please... he's already angry. Don't let him be angry at me. I.. can't take it. Everyone will be angry at me. They'll put me back- please don't put me back." I beg. "Please... I don't want to go back." 

There's a long moment of silence. 

“And now we have just a taste of delusional… dear, why don’t you get that syringe? I think he's going to need to go to sleep now.”

“He’s ashamed of me,” I mumble. 

“Who?”

“My father.” My world is breaking again. Falling down around my feet. 

“No-“ Sue’s voice is so soft. “No, Daken. It’s not like that. You’re taking this the wrong way.”

“I’m ruined and he’s ashamed of me. I didn’t ask to be ruined. I didn’t ask to be made either. I’ve had absolutely no input on my creation or my demise.”

“Now hold on,” Reed interjects. “You’re not ‘ruined’. No one said anything about that. And furthermore, this isn’t your ‘demise’. You’ve been attacked. You are not dead- though.”

“You just said I was ruined.”

He sputters for a second. “No- I said-‘

“I know what you said!” My voice is hoarse.

“You’ve got to let me clarify, Daken. You’re hearing what you want to hear and not what’s being said.”

“The syringe- Reed,” Sue says quickly. “It’s over there in the medical kit on the seat.” She bends back down. “We’re going to put you to sleep now. I’ll be more than happy to explain everything to you when you wake up. 

I kick the layers of blankets off slowly. I’m going to go find him. I’m going to show him that I am not ruined and that he does NOT have to be ashamed of me. I will not allow myself to be hidden away out of embarrassment.I will show him that I am alright...that he doesn't have to be ashamed.

“Sit down,” Reed says gently. “You’ve still got an IV in…. where do you think you’re going? You have to wait and-“

I feel my way down my arm in the dark and tear the strips of tape from it, ripping the needle out in one painful motion.

“Ah… now we’re going to have to reinsert that.” Reed chides. “Lay back down. We’ll wait for your arm to heal before we do. “

I retrieve the needle and hold it out to him. These things are expensive. It would be childish to lose it on purpose.

“Thank you.” The scientist says, taking the needle carefully. “Now please lay back. I’ll go get the tape so we can reinsert this. “

"I need to talk to him," I say. 

"No, no, .no," Sue says quickly. "He's alright. You're alright. He'll see you in the morning. You'll see all of them in the morning." 

"He's ashamed of me." I try to explain. "If I explain myself, he won't be angry. He won't have to see the pictures... and.. and we can leave." 

"Pass me the tape, dear," Reed says to his wife. "I'm going to reinsert the IV." 

“Forget the tape,” Sue says evenly, still looking at me. “Go get the sedatives.”

 “Move.” I’m numb. I put a hand on his arm in the dark and push on it slightly.

“Daken- I’m going to have to insist that you stop,” Reed says calmly. “Lay down and cover yourself. It’s very cold and you are grossly underdressed.” He puts his hand on my shoulder, anchoring me in place.

“Take your hand off of me.” Breathe. Stay calm.

“I’m afraid I can’t do that.” He pushes harder. “Please- lay back. I don’t want to upset you- but you’re not leaving this cabin. So please- do as I say.”

“Please don't touch me," I beg. 

“I’m not moving. If you want me to stop touching you then you’ll have to lay back.”

“You will get your hand off of me!” It comes out panicked. 

The air is tense. “I will do what is necessary to keep you in this bed- where you need to be.”

“Get off.” I try again.

“Please reconsider your actions. It’s warm here… safe. You don’t have to fight with anything here. We have drugs to make you sleep- you don’t have to deal with anything tonight. Take the sedatives. Let it go for the night.”

“I have to see him.”

“Daken- he doesn’t want to see you right now,” Reed says gently. “There is no better way to say it. Please- for your sake- take the sedatives.”

“Why won’t he see me?” I demand even as Reed extends his arm, pushing me back to the comfort of the blankets and the warmth of the heater- back to the cozy set up. To the nest, they’ve made for me.

“He’s upset,” he says simply. “You know how he is when he’s upset. Give me a few minutes to turn the lights on so we can see to put the IV back in.”

The lights are on a few seconds after that. The ‘bed’ is a more of a table. Hidden underneath an overhanging in the jet- like a bunk bed. There are side railings that go up when the jet’s in motion- trapping whoever is on the bed into place. There’s really not a lot of room to move under here.

He’s prepping my arm again. Cold disinfectant… sharp alcohol smell.

He doesn’t want to see me.  
He's too upset to see me.  
Something about honor…. Does that mean I’ve lost HIS honor? By what means?  
Fuck.  
This is confusing. These things need to be answered. I can’t… I can’t sleep knowing this. Even the drugs won’t do it.

He’s messing with the IV port- attaching it to the needle. I can’t let him do this. I need…  
NO, I deserve answers.

Looking over at my captor I try to take in his appearance for signs of weakness. He’s got a massive bruise on his right cheek as well as a very obvious black eye on the same side. Someone’s already gotten to him at least once.

My arm is at an awkward position- not really flat against the bed. I could…

Yes- If I time it right. He’ll be angry and I might end up in restraints again- but….

Is it worth it?

‘is it worth it?’ one of the nameless ones mocks. ‘it’s always worth it. these people are weak. beneath even a mongrel like yourself. come now darling. go see daddy. demand your answers. go on.’

‘or stay here. stay here like the infant you’ve turned yourself into.’ Master snarls.

‘or… if you’re really interested,” Shifter- he’s the one I’ve been afraid to hear. ‘go throw yourself on that fire. you know you want to.’

‘hmm…. doggie’s listening to all of us now.’ another nameless one muses.

‘seems that without shifter around, he’s got all kinds of time to listen.’

They need to stop. Don’t I get an input into the conversation?

‘input?’ shifter chuckles. ‘no doggie. you don’t get input. you obey. obey now. finally. give in. do as you’re told.’

“Alright-“

This is going to be horrible. It will go over horribly and their response will not be pleasant. Maybe… maybe I can do a bit of everything they others want. Take out Reed to get away, go find Logan and see what’s going on, and then escape from them all.

My arm tenses. Reed thinks it’s in anticipation for the needle.

He isn’t ready for the punch he receives. It knocks him back on his ass.

“Daken…” He groans.

Getting up is easier than I thought it would be. Sue goes to Reed’s side and she’s sighing. “Daken… think really hard about what your about to do- alright? Does it feel familiar to you at all? Like reliving a dream of some sort? Think Daken.”

The release hatch on the jet’s emergency door is cold to the touch. It must be freezing out there.

“They’re near the exit you came out of- if you feel you must do this,” Sue says quietly, submissively if I didn’t know any better. “Try not to freeze.”

It’s a bit of a fall to the ground. I messily land on my feet- immediately regretting my decision. There is about two inches of snow on the ground now.

“Daken,” Reed is at the door behind me, “It’s cold. You don’t want to do this!” he tries to reason.

He could talk me out of it. A part of me wants to listen. I WANT to behave for them. I don’t want anyone angry…

‘don’t you dare.’ Master snarls again. ‘move. go! stop standing there like an idiot!’

The light is huge… I can see it from here. Right across the field Johnny had walked me through earlier.

“Come back.” Reed orders. “This isn’t going to solve anything.”

‘move!’

“Please, come back.” The man tries again. “Before I have to force you.”

I can hear him beginning to move. I have… I have to make a decision. I need to go away from the jet. Where even he can’t reach me.

So… I run.

“Damn.” Reed groans. “Here we go again.”

Again? I don’t have the fucking time to sort out what he means by that. I’ll come back to it. Put a pin in it and ask later.

The fire gets closer… the smoke gets bigger and bigger- billowing out over the tops of the trees in a dramatic fashion.

I can smell burnt flesh. It’s nothing compared to the awful screams coming from that direction.

Death. It smells like death.

Under the screams is a current of hushed conversation.

It's cold. My feet are numb. 

My breath comes out in puffs of vapor. 

I wish I'd thought to grab one of the blankets.   
I wish they'd found my clothing. 

I wish there was a better way to do this. 

I hear a definite, “Oh no.” as I come closer.

“Shit.” Is another response.

Like I’m not supposed to be here. 

I can barely hear them over the shrieks from the fire. 

The burnt meat and visible bones.... 

All I can do is stare. 

The circle around the fire are several faces. People who can stand to see this sight. 

My father. Laura. Johnny. Ben. Logan's woman- Ororo. Rachel. Some other x-men who's names I don't know. 

“Fuck it all Reed…” someone groans. “God. This is going to be messier than last time- isn’t it?”

And now about five people are staring at me… and I really don’t know what to do. I should have thought harder about this.

The rest of the group does their best not to look at me. 

I am an embarrassment. 

I cross my arms. I don't know what to do. 

“Daken…” Johnny steps forward first. “Honey-what are you doing?” He pulls me close, wrapping me in his personal warmth. "You're cold," he says. "You're freezing." He takes my hand in his and heats my fingers. I'm grateful for it, but it's a little distracting. I pull back a little bit.  

“I need to talk to Logan...”I stammer. 

“It couldn’t have waited until morning?” .he asks softly.

“No.. it has to be now.”

“It can’t be now,” Johnny says carefully.

“I need to explain myself." I try. "Johnny- I... I can explain it all." 

“You don’t…. you don’t remember- do you?” Johnny asks, face and voice equally concerned.

“Remember what?” I'm shaking and I don't know if it's from the cold or fear. 

“Argggh.” He groans, looking to the people behind him. “They didn’t tell him. Again. I told Sue to tell him if he woke up.”

“I just need to explain... please don't be mad at me.” I try. "Johnny- please. I have to explain.... I don't want anyone to be mad." 

Johnny pinches the bridge of his nose. “Daken… you’ve done this twice already.”

“Done what twice already?” They’re really not getting the importance of the information I’m trying to convey here.

“Come outside like this. Each time you’ve incapacitated Reed in some fashion jumped out the emergency exit in the jet and found your way here. And each time you’ve had to be forcibly removed and taken back to the jet.”

“What are you talking about?” I try. "I just need to talk to Logan."

“It’s okay.” he soothes. “Look...You woke up cold- right? Did you hear someone saying something about you being cold?”

“Yes..”

“Ya. You were out here not two hours ago. And then two hours before that. First, you wanted to speak with me, and then Laura, and now I guess it’s Logan. You’re picking up pieces of information- but not all of it. And you’re making decisions and conclusions that you don’t need to and rushing off to try and discuss things you don't understand with someone who doesn't know any more than you do. You want to explain something and then you want to leave and then you want to die- you remember any of this? You…and Logan have gotten into three fights. He’s asked for you to stay in the jet so you can calm down. You’re not acting normally. We’re worried about you.”

“I’m acting completely normal.”I try. "that's what I'm trying to tell him. I"m normal." 

“… you still don’t remember, do you?” Johnny sighs, he steps closer to me, putting a hand on the side of my face. “You’ve done this already. We’ve had a similar conversation to this… okay?” He searches my face. “Daken- please. Remember.”.

"Please don't be mad at me,"I beg him. "Please- don't be mad at me." 

"I'm not mad at you, Daken." Johnny soothes. "I would never be mad at you." 

I just shake my head. "Logan is." 

“You need to go back to the jet.”

“Why?”

“You tried to burn yourself last time- it took three of us to stop you. Why aren’t you sedated?” He asks gently. “Did you wake up? Was it not enough to keep you under?”

“I need to speak to Logan,” I repeat, firmly this time.

“I’m right here.” The man moves from the other side of the bonfire. “You got me... what do you need?”

“I.. uh.." I don't know what I'm supposed to say. "It's... I want to go home." I settle for. "Logan. I'm sorry. I'm sorry and I want to go home." 

There’s much groaning now. Johnny takes his hand from my face and backs up. “It’s getting colder Logan. Do it quickly- please.” he pleads.

I look around in a confused manner.

"What are you sorry for?" Logan asks. I can't read his voice. 

"Everything." I start to shake. "I'm sorry I embarrassed you." 

Logan looks angry for a second before inhaling deeply and clenching and unclenching his fist. “Did Reed say that or is that what you thought he said?”

“What?”

“Did he explicitly tell you that?”

“He said you were ashamed... because I got taken.... and because I didn't fight back.... I need to explain that I-" 

Logan sighs. “Kid… we’ve had this conversation. TWICE. I’m not ashamed of you. You don't have to apologize..." 

"It's midnight," Laura says from her spot. "Daken, you need to be sleeping."   
  
That makes sense when she says it. 

"I'm not sleepy." 

"You're conditioned to sleep at midnight," Laura says clinically. "Please go back to the jet. It's time for you to sleep." 

“Why?” I beg. "I"m just trying to explain myself...please- I just want to explain myself." 

"Have you eaten yet?" Laura asks off topic. "You could stand another washing as well.. they didn't get your back." 

"Logan- I want to go home," I tell him. "You'll never have to see me again- please. Just take me home." 

Logan crosses his arms. "Look at you," he says gently. 

"I'm sorry." I try again. "Please, I just want to go home." 

"I'll take you back to the jet," he says quietly. "Laura's right. You've been conditioned to sleep at this time. If we put you out, you'll not wake up til morning. We'll go home then." 

"Why?" I plead. 

“It’s SNOWING,” he says. “You’re naked. Let me walk you back… we’ll talk to Reed about giving you something stronger.”

“He said you didn’t want to see me.” I try. "I'm just trying." 

Logan sighs. “Akihiro, please. It’s been a long day. We’ve had various forms of this conversation twice now. At great length. You're just confused.” He takes my hand in his. I realize how numb my fingers are, taking a moment to look down at them. “You’re half frozen,” he mumbles. “Come on. Reed will have something waiting for you. Something that will help.”

“I need-“

“No.”

The light is blinding out here. Smoke filters into my face, stinging my eyes. I follow it back to the large pile of blazing wood.

To him. 

His mouth is open, screaming.   
The sound, however, has stopped. 

The smell is unimaginable. 

"Go to bed," Johnny says. "We're almost finished here." He offers a small smile. "I'll come in to see you in a little bit - okay? Just go lay down." 

“Let me have a minute-“

“Ya, that’s what you said last time.” Logan actually smiles a little- but it’s tired. “No minutes. No seconds. No milliseconds- you are going back to the jet.”

Things spin a little. When I look back at my father, Rachel’s joined him.

“Go with your father.” She says sweetly. Too sweetly. I find myself moving before I can respond.

God. She’s-

“Don’t think about it. Go with Logan and go back to sleep.”

Telepaths. She’s… she’s in my head. I can’t get her out. I have to do what she tells me to- there isn’t-

“Easy.” Logan puts a hand on my arm, holding me at a steady pace, forcing me to stay with him. “Don’t tense up.”

Tense up. God. I hate those words. I hate them even more coming out of my father’s mouth.

He’s silent for a good three minutes as we walk.  “I’m going to make sure you go to sleep this time.” He informs as we walk up to the opening of the jet. "You're just confused. I should have come in when you were asking for me." 

"I just.. Please..." I try to pull away from him. "Logan- I'm sorry... I just.. .you're embarrassed. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not stronger- He took it.. he took all of it- and it's not my fault." My words come out like word vomit. I can't stop them. 

"I'm not blaming you," Logan says gently, stopping us just before the entrance to the jet. "Do you think that's what this is?" 

I just weakly nod. 

"No, no, no," he says. "Oh no, Daken, that's not it." 

"Then what is it?" 

Logan pulls me into him, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. "It's nothing." He says quietly. "I just want to get you warm again- okay? Will you let me get you warm?" 

All I can do is nod. 

“There he is,” Sue says gently.

“No burns this time,” Logan informs.

“Excellent.” Reed joins his wife, sporting one hell of a black eye.

Logan chuckles. “Got you good- didn’t he?”

“Two times… in the same place.” Reed grouses. “And one of the cheek.”

“Ya? Maybe you should learn to block- Stretch.”

“He’s got one hell of an arm- I’ll give him that.”

I can move on my own now. On my own free will… I know I don’t want to go back into that bed. Logan tries to lead me, but I stay put.

“Akihiro…” he soothes. "It's time for bed." 

I jerk away from him, trying to edge back out the door, but he’s blocking it.

“Grab him,” Logan says over my shoulder.

Things go hazy again. 

"Go to sleep." Logan maneuvers me into the bed, covering me up with blankets and making sure my head is on the pillows. 

 I try not to let him see me yawn. 

Laura was right. Over the last few weeks, I've been conditioned to go to sleep at this time. Midnight comes and I just find myself exhausted. 

"This will help you sleep." Reed preps my arm for the needle. "It works slowly. It will be like you're going to sleep on your own." 

Reed pricks me with the needle. I barely feel it. 

Logan stays over me, watching. 

“He’ll stay out this time?” he asks.

“Yes. He'll be out within the next ten minutes... unless Rachel is still interfering. Mental interruptions can cause the drugs to work a little slower. There.” Reed does something else to my arm. “You can go back to your little ‘mission’ now.”

There’s silence. “Nah. I think I’ll sit with him for a while. Make sure he doesn’t wake up.”

At this point- I doubt that I’ll EVER wake up. And strangely, I’m completely comfortable with the idea. 

The drug works slowly. 

It feels almost like being drunk. 

There's a long stretch of silence as the moments stretch by. 

The jet opens, letting in cold air. 

“It’s done.” New voice. 

“He’s not… sleeping all the way yet.” A second new voice.

“That’s probably Rachel’s fault.” Reed muses. 

“Yes well… it was that or have him freeze.” That voice moves closer. “Logan, Rachel and I need to get back to the school.” This is a female voice. Sweetly accented… reminds me of… I don’t know. I got it. White hair. The weather witch. Logan’s…

I don’t want to finish that thought. The thought of him with anyone after my mother makes me sick.  
“Okay, darlin’,” he says gently. “Thanks for the hand.”

“Keep us updated.” She says in parting.

The doors open again as the woman leaves.

Someone whistles a familiar song for a moment. It's actually almost awkward. "He probably wouldn't take me kissing him well- would he?" 

"No," Reed says. "Physical affection is going to be something he'll struggle with for a while." 

There's movement before someone takes my hand. 

"Is he okay?" 

"He's going to sleep," Logan informs. "Maybe you could stay over here and make sure he's warm?" 

"Of course." There's more silence. Johnny's hand is warm. It feels good against my numb fingers. 

“How sure are you that it’s done?” Logan demands after a few moments. 

"Is Daken sleeping yet?" Johnny says instead of answering. 

“I’m… not sure,” Reed says quizzically.

“How, Johnny?” Logan presses. 

Johnny inhales slowly. “I stomped the remains into ashes… and then incinerated them. Scooped them up, after that, and put them in a plastic tub. If he comes back from that- then the man deserves a lifetime in maximum security.”This voice gets closer to me. “God… he’s so out of it tonight.”

“He’s supposed to be, Johnny. That’s how sedation works.”

“No, I meant before the sedatives. If I wasn’t leading him, he wouldn’t have left.”

“Yes… well-“

“Discuss it later.” Logan mumbles. “He’s still tracking your voices.”

Everyone is silent for a few minutes.

“X-men are leaving….” Johnny says gently breaking the silence. “Rachel should be completely out of his head…”

“Right about now.” Sue finishes. “Now we’re back on track.”

God. It’s like getting hit in the face with a hammer. I’m just starting to feel it when everything just fades away.

Like an overdose. 

Overdose. Yes. Good idea. Something…

Anything..

Fuck it all.


	19. Something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final Chapter.   
> Thanks for riding this story out with me. I've got a few others in the pipe that I'm working out- so Be on a look at for those! 
> 
> Thanks again for all the kudos and the comments. I really appreciate it! And... well it's been a fun ride. :)

I’ve always hated the cold. Snow- I actually like. But the sensation of freezing is not one I treasure. I think after the procedures, I needed the cold. And the dark too for that matter. I needed to feel something. Something other than the firm grasp he still has on me. 

Once you’re made into something- you can’t go back. You can’t be re-made regardless of how hard you wish to be. 

You can just be broken. Broken and made into something new. 

I don’t like this ‘new’ thing I’ve become. It’s so different from all of my other variations. The difference is frightening. 

Yet… I can’t bring myself to be that cold, icy, thing I was before, either. 

I can’t lay here and simply feel nothing. Not anymore. There’s too much to feel now. Too many cans of worms opened. 

I can’t fuel myself with this sense of hate in loathing… because it’s gone. It’s been taken. Snatched. Extinguished by all the memories of what gave it to me. All my ‘training’. 

In the wake of the recent events- I found myself always looking for something. Something warm. 

Seeing others have what I couldn’t find just made me angry. That anger made me colder. 

The idea is finally starting to dawn on me that maybe I’ve found that thing I’ve been jealous of. 

That maybe I don’t need the cold anymore…. that maybe this new ‘thing’ I’m becoming isn’t solely bad. Not like the others. 

I did as I was told. And I inherited nothing. 

I was lied to.   
Turned against people who could have helped me. 

Because I was told that no one really cared about anyone. World wide. That there was the mass of anger and hatred in everyone- that you had to be the strongest and the best to come out on top. 

To discard yourself of human reactions. Emotions even more so. 

At some point, in my early life, I made that decision. I embraced the cold. 

It seems fitting that the one person who seems to have brought me around to this conclusion was a man made of flames. 

Someone whose very nature was to melt the cold. 

I felt this when I first met Johnny. 

Over the course of our other meetings it was like a buzzing insect in the back of mind. 

He… didn’t need to convince me to do the procedures. He’d already captured my attention. I knew Fury had sent him. I knew things weren’t completely what they seemed… and for me they weren’t either. Fury using Johnny to use me… but I was using the procedures to explore Johnny. 

I had every intention of leaving. 

Until after the first one. It hurt like nothing I’d ever felt before. Years and years of pain and hurt slammed into the fore front of my mind in mere seconds. The entire process takes about three hours. They bring forward about ten to twenty years and then walk through the memories individually. Slowly… pacing themselves. Taking in every detail of every item. Cataloging them for future reference. 

I wanted to leave. Straight from there. Get in the car and go. Madripoor… California- anywhere. Anywhere but here and there. 

And then… he was there. He waited for it to be over. His job was to make sure I got here… he didn’t have to stay. But he did. 

Curious I let it go further. 

At first I was cautious. He always had his damn camera on me. Driving, talking, sitting around the house- everywhere. 

But he was there. 

And with him… I didn’t feel cold. 

Things got worse. They got weird. Everyday was like living in a horror movie. 

And Johnny was always there. Always talking over him. Always interrupting the movement of the dark shadows running up the walls. 

Before the end of the second month- I felt so strongly for him that it threatened to suffocate me every time we met. It was something I didn’t have enough words to articulate. Something I had not been allowed to feel since my childhood. But… there was no one here to punish me for it. He wasn’t in any danger because of it. 

We don’t say ‘love’ casually. Not like other couples.   
We don’t act like other couples. We can’t.   
The amount of work that goes into our relationship is sometimes one sided. I do my best to meet him half way… and he seemingly gladly does the rest. 

He… didn’t let them take me back to the Baxter Building. He knew it was something I didn’t want. It wasn’t safe there. Not with everything that happened. 

There had been many discussions- things I was allowed to hear and things I wasn’t. And finally, I just stopped. Stopped moving- stopped caring. It was too much. I couldn’t function. I could hear and see the surroundings around me… but I couldn’t bear to be a part of them. 

Johnny forced them to release me into his care. He promised several things. Most of them to me. 

And he took me home. 

Back to our home. 

Back to our bed. 

To our room. 

No hospital smells. No restraints glued to the bed.

Just home. 

Finally home.

“He’s…” 

“He’ll be fine.” Johnny says assertively. “We’re literally ten minutes away from all of you. IF something happens you can be here in a second.” 

“And if he tries to leave?” 

“I won’t.” I answer while staring out of the balcony doors. 

I can almost hear Johnny smile. “He won’t.” He repeats. 

“Johnny… given the last week-“ 

“He’s going to hurt. It’s inevitable. Sometimes it will be as bad as it was in the jet- sometimes worse. It’s GOING to happen.” 

“Storm…” 

“We want to be alone.” 

I think my answer shocks my father. 

“You want to be alone.” He repeats. 

“Yes.”   
“Son-“ 

“I will not recover. I have accepted this. I will be crazy today. I will be crazy tomorrow. Next week- the week after that- and the all the weeks that follow. Let me do it on my own terms.” 

Logan sighs. “You can’t even look at me when you say that. You shouldn’t be on your own-“ 

“I’m not on my own.” 

I can hear the man audibly sigh. “Akihiro- please. We can get better arrangements for you.” 

“There are no ‘better arrangements’ for me!” I snap. “I wanted to go home. Johnny took me there. Now I want us to stay here. Together. Him and I- where we started. That’s what I want.” 

“You’re sick-“ Logan would be doing something with his hands if I turned and looked at him. But I don’t. He doesn’t need to see my thought process. I don’t understand it. I don’t know what to do with my face. There’s not a stored expression or mask I can pull up for him. 

“I KNOW I’m sick!” My voice decides to crack during this. “No one gets how sick I am as much as I do.” 

Things are quiet for a second before I hear footsteps coming towards the bed. “Look at me.” Logan orders. 

“I want to stay here.” I counter. 

“Then turn over and say it to my face.” 

“Why?” 

His hand is on my shoulder. “Because I need to see your face.” 

“…” 

“If you want to stay here and you think that dumbass over there is the only person who could possibly make you happy- then turn around, look at me, and tell me that.” 

I haven’t looked my father in the eye since they rescued me. I don’t know why- but I can’t face the man. Something in me feels weird. 

“Leave him alone Logan.” Johnny says quietly. “He’s going to stay here- alright? If you take him, I will just take him back. I’ll take him back and we’ll go somewhere where none of you can find us.” 

“That a threat Storm?” Logan growls. 

“Yes.” Johnny’s voice doesn’t waver. 

Logan sighs again. “Akihiro… look at me. Let me see your face. Let me see that you understand what’s going on. That you’re in the right state of mind to make this decision.” 

“It doesn’t matter what ‘state’ my minds in!” I say exhaustedly. “This is what I want. This is all that I’ve wanted. Just let me stay here.” He’s stubbornly silent. “Please.” 

The hand on my shoulder pulls me onto my back. The room isn’t dark right now- but it's getting there. The sun is quickly setting outside the balcony doors. Johnny’s been in here for a while cleaning up what he missed in earlier cleanings. Downstairs I can hear Sue and Laura bringing in groceries. 

“You can’t handle being on your own.” He says quietly. “Probably not for a long time. Let me-“ 

“I keep telling you that I’m not alone. I’ll be just as fucked up here as I will be anywhere else. At least here I can be in my own space.” 

“Akihiro-“ 

“Please.” 

“Hear me out-“

“I don’t want to!” 

“Well why the hell not?” Logan growls. 

“Because I want what normal people have! I want to be with someone! Someone that I love that can actually love me back without me making them!” His face is uncharacteristically calm. “Like what you had.” 

“Like what I had.” He repeats, letting go of my shoulder and sitting on the edge of the bed. 

“Yes.” 

My father looks old in this moment. It’s something about his eyes. “You want peace.” 

“I want my version of peace.” 

“And you think that Johnny will give it to you?” 

Things are quiet. I can hear the man in question scooting his tennis shoe clad foot across the floor. “Like my mother gave to you.” I say after some deliberation. 

Logan smirks- buts its sad. 

He looks over towards the door. “Come ‘ere dumb ass.” He calls. 

Johnny looks like he wants to say something but bites his tongue. 

“He won’t let me take care of him.” He says when Johnny reaches the bed

Johnny looks at me as if for guidance. “He’s stubborn like that.” 

Logan puts a hand to his forehead, his elbow and arm resting on his knee as he leans into it. “He seems hell bent on you being the one to do it.” 

The blond swallows a little loudly. “Just about as hell bent as I am on me doing it.” 

“This is my child.” Logan says carefully. “Do you understand that? He is important to me in a way you will never be able to understand. He is a piece of me. He is something that means more to me than anything I could possibly ever think to describe to you.” 

This time Johnny just nods. 

“I want him to be … happy. And safe. If you are going to do this then you have to promise to keep him that way.” 

“Of course.” 

Logan scowls at the other man. 

“I mean, I promise.” Johnny says quickly. 

Logan shakes his head a few times before standing up. “Dumb ass.” He grumbles. 

“So he can stay?” Johnny ventures.   
Logan nods. “If this is what makes him happy- then yes. We’ll be checking in. Frequently. Making sure you haven’t let him starve or anything.” He glares at the other man. “I mean it. He WILL be cared for. His needs WILL be met and if I find out that they haven’t been- I will hunt you down and skin you.” 

“Thank you.” Is all I can manage in the face of his… odd affirmation of affection. 

Logan turns his eyes back to me. “I’m not losing you again.” He says carefully. “I’d rather have you here and happy than locked away and miserable.” 

I can respect the sentiment. 

“I hope you find what you’re looking for.” Logan says just as carefully. 

I smirk a little. “I think I already have.” 

He nods, looking at Johnny again, fonder this time. “I’m gonna go help X with the groceries.” He says in parting, casting a look back towards the bed. “Get some rest, son. It’s been a tough week.” 

Johnny and I are silent for a second. In that silence he looks at me carefully before shrugging out of his shoes and crawling into the bed. “Is this okay?” 

“Ya.” 

“Good.” He sits there for a second, hand running the pattern of my tattoo down my chest. 

“Thank you.” I say before I can stop myself. 

Johnny smiles. He knows just what I’m thanking him for. Everything really. I don’t need to spell it out for him. 

“Turn over.” He says gently. “The suns setting. It’ll be beautiful to watch.” 

As soon as I’m facing the balcony again, he wraps his arms around my waist and buries his face in my hair. “Home feels good doesn’t it?” he asks trying to sound playful. 

“It’s wonderful.” 

“They’ll all be gone in a little while… it’ll just be us.” 

“Then it will finally be quiet.” I grouse. 

He snorts. “It must feel nice to be outta those hospital beds.” 

“Fells nicer in a bed that’s big enough for both of us.” I hear him chuckle. “I don’t sleep well without you.” 

He’s quiet for a long time now. 

It starts to make me nervous. 

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” He assures. “I’m just… so happy. This… I’ve been trying to get back to this for months. Just being able to hold you with no one looking- or observing. No one having you under their magnifying glass.” 

I smile looking over the room and too one of the book shelves. On the edge is a small plastic container filled with ashes. I insisted that we keep it. Logan and Reed were firmly against it, but Johnny stole it for me. The lip is completely sealed… but Johnny still didn’t feel safe enough, so he duct tapped it as well. I think it adds to the security of the house.

Looking at those ashes, things start to go hazy. Johnny seems to notice, but he doesn’t point it out. 

“I love you.” I say through it. 

He smiles against me. “I love you too. Go on and get some rest. I’ll keep you warm.” 

Warm.

The sky outside looks warm too. 

Warm is good.


End file.
